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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 173 total)
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  • #382798
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “I know that this is not healthy at all, I know I’m not healthy and I know he’s not either. I know that we shouldn’t be in contact at least till both of us gets healthier. But I cannot hold on to anything. I feel like I need something, I feel like I need just one solid rock to hold on to. Anything.”-

    – Clearly, he is not a solid rock for you to hold on to. Not only is he not a solid rock for you to hold on to, he is shaking the ground underneath you, so you keep falling again and again.

    As I see it, your number 1 need is to stop the ground underneath you from shaking repeatedly, which means: to let him know that there will be zero contact between you and him, no matter what, forevermore, and then-  make this zero contact happen. I cannot  see any other way.

    anita

    #382805
    miyoid
    Participant

    I need to accept what happened, I need to accept that we couldn’t do it. I need to accept that I can be and feel okay on my own. I just need to grow out of that little girl’s mind.

    I can understand and accept that right now. There will be times when I cannot again, where I’ll feel vulnerable again. I’ll try to resist the urge and I’ll be decisive this time.

    #382806
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    The post I just read, your most recent post- I think it’s the healthiest post I ever read from you. I am moved by it and feel much affection for you for having written it. I know that our communication is virtual, not irl as it is termed, but I am in-real-life person appreciating you, another in-real-life person. Please do continue to post, I want to read more and  more from you.

    anita

    #382881
    miyoid
    Participant

    I was observing my two moods, too vulnerable and less vulnerable. I was trying to keep myself busy, stuff like that. Right when I was procrastinating and watching Gilmore Girls besides doing some work, I’ve realized how the girl acts after breaking up with someone. And I’ve seen how she is able to enjoy her time without that person. I don’t want to be like this, I cannot be like this.

    #382883
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Can you tell  me why do you not want to be like the Gilmore girl who “is able to enjoy her time without that person”, without him?

    anita

    #382981
    miyoid
    Participant

    I guess I’ve written poorly. By “this”, I meant my current state, not being able to move on. I wanted to be more like the girl and less like me, I guess.

    #382984
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Oh, you wish you were able to move on from this guy, to be able to enjoy your time without him. How are you now, is he in contact with you.. back and forth, hot and cold…?

    anita

    #383016
    miyoid
    Participant

    We haven’t been in contact for a week I guess, I’m doing my job, meeting with some friends, watching some stuff, and trying to feel okay. I’m trying to connect with more people, more friends. I’ve been expressing my vulnerability to friends a lot lately, maybe because I had to. Since I really need to learn to be content on my own, I’m just testing it. I don’t know how it’ll go. A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these “cannot let go”, “cannot break up” mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities.

    #383017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I am impressed with your attitude and your success this week. It probably doesn’t feel to you like a success because you are not feeling that great, but it looks to me like a success reading your words and noticing your progress.

    “A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these ‘cannot let go’, ‘cannot break up’ mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities”- I didn’t understand this part- what your friend was trying to say. (You don’t have to explain  it to me if you don’t feel like it).

    I believe it was 12:11 am, after midnight, when you posted last. I guess it is still your habit to be up at nights (?) Some people stay up at nights in the summer time because it is cooler.

    anita

     

    #383391
    miyoid
    Participant

    “A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these ‘cannot let go’, ‘cannot break up’ mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities”- I didn’t understand this part- what your friend was trying to say. (You don’t have to explain  it to me if you don’t feel like it).

    I’ve met an old friend the previous week and we talked about my break-up for a while. The point he was trying to make was the fact that how hard was it for me to let him go, or forget or move on. He’s aware of the things that made me upset during the relationship and he did tell me to break things up as soon as possible months ago. When I’ve told him that I’ve waited cause I couldn’t do it, and I’ve waited till he was the one trying to move on; he was concerned that I couldn’t take responsibility. I have never thought of this because I didn’t want to break up with him. I’ve always had this part of myself who wanted to continue with him because the other way seemed much scarier. However, thinking about what he said, I really have a hard time taking responsibility. Maybe that’s because I like staying safe, in terms of finance and in terms of relationships. I often avoid conflicts and I even make concessions in my everyday life to avoid conflicts, even with my flatmates sometimes. I was never avoiding any type of conflict with him, though. I was transparent all the way.

    So these days, I’m thinking about how much I use my free will. Sometimes I don’t use it at all. Sometimes I just go with the flow and oftentimes, that flow happens to be contingent upon other people. It was like that with my relationships as well. I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing. I think I’ll try to start choosing people from this on.

    It’s still my habit, staying up till late. I try to sleep every single day, though, and I’m able to do it. Since I have remote shifts, not so tiring, I have the opportunity to spare some time to myself to relax, to watch some stuff, and sometimes read. And since I’m all alone in my own room, there is no extra work. I had to organize stuff more when I lived with him. I had to change sheets more, tidy up more. Right now, it’s just me in the room and I get along with my flatmates regarding the other rooms of the house.

    I’m getting better, I suppose. I’m depressive sometimes but I try to distract myself with movies I have always wanted to watch and couldn’t find time to.

    On a side note, I’ve realized that I decide out of fear sometimes. Fear plays a great role in my life. I get scared a lot, by the life itself. I don’t trust life that much, that’s sad.

    #383398
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I will be back to your thread, read and reply in about 15 hours from now.

    anita

    #383415
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Oh, now I understand what your friend meant, he meant that you don’t take responsibility for your own personal life in the context of relationships with people. You expanded the idea, explaining (I paraphrase) that you are not in the habit of exercising your free will to choose. Instead, you are in the habit of passively submitting to other people’s choices, going with the flow of their choices, as if sitting on a raft on a flowing river and letting the water take you wherever it will.

    “I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing. I think I’ll try to start choosing people from this on”- I hope so. Yes, do start choosing people from now on, including the men in your life, and your life will be much better for it!

    There is a term that applies, it is called Locus of control and it means the degree to which you believe that you control what happens in your life, as opposed to external forces, such as other people, controlling your life.

    Psychology today. com: “Someone with an internal locus of control will believe that the things that happen to them are greatly influenced by their own abilities, actions, or mistakes. A person with an external locus of control will tend to feel that other forces—such as random chance, environmental factors, or the actions of others—are more responsible for the events that occur in the individual’s life”.

    You can read more about it, if you want.

    “I’m getting better, I suppose. I’m depressive sometimes but I try to distract myself with movies I have always wanted to watch and couldn’t find time to”- getting better is good enough for now, keep getting a little better every day while distracting yourself with movies. (I wonder what are your favorite movies).

    On a side note… Fear plays a great role in my life. I get scared a lot, by the life itself”- that’s more of a major note than a side note, isn’t it? Fear is the most powerful motivation there is, of all emotions. And we are all afraid, aren’t we.

    “I don’t trust life that much”- that’s one major reason to not go with the flow anymore, to no longer let untrustworthy people choose for you! Learn to trust yourself, and your life will be indeed, much better for it!

    anita

     

    #387083
    miyoid
    Participant

    My last post was from 24th July. It feels like more time has passed in these two months, I guess. I went back to my hometown to visit my dad, had a mental breakdown there, then stayed at my stepdad’s empty house and I had fun for three days. I even accidentally had a fling with an old friend whom I lost interest in very quickly. And then somebody else wanted to flirt and I wasn’t interested again. When I’m able to reject, when I can understand whether or not I’m interested, this gives me a bit of power since normally I consider myself as someone who cannot choose. I realized again, that I can choose. I’m not proud of this story but this continues with another flirtation. An old friend whom I recently started to have conversations with opened up to me, saying he was into me. And since it made me feel nice and I liked talking with him, I started seeing him. I’m just realizing that it all happened so fast, and it has been two months since we first met after he opened up.

    So, again, no empty space for myself alone. I won’t be blaming myself for this, but I have to admit that this might be a problem for me. However, when I’m interested in someone, should I ignore that? I don’t think so. I’ll have more answers on this as I grow up. In these two months, I’ve had my sessions with my psychiatrist as well. Slow sessions, she is slowly getting to know me. She is way way behind you guys. And the reason why I let this flirt happen is that this boy actually started to give me some reasons to trust. However, it’s hard to believe someone. My guy is telling me that he’s very sincere. But after the things I’ve been through, and after my childhood, it’s very hard to believe something. I’ve even had some friends comment on this and I don’t think you would approve.

    Someone from my circle said, “You’ll just have another relationship for one year and he’s gonna leave you at the end and you’ll suffer all over again. Don’t do this.” He said this without even knowing him or listening to me about what happened. It was a quick response to the fact that I was seeing somebody. I didn’t make the conversation longer and I just left it like that. Even though I know that I shouldn’t, it got to me. But I’m learning. I’m learning to choose for me, not for them.

    For the first time in a while, I’ve experienced something. After fruitful conversations, there was silence and suddenly, there were no distractions for me. It wasn’t unfamiliar, I’ve had this a lot in my childhood. When my parents split up, I used to stay either in my hometown with my dad or in another city where my mom went to stay for a while with her brothers. In those months, or in that year, it’s a bit vague for me, I cried a lot. But it happened weirdly. When I have a distraction that would interest me, like a computer, for example, I was okay. When I was with a friend that can keep me interested, I was okay. But right when I lost my interest, right when I’m not focused on something that can distract me, I felt a deep longing I couldn’t stand but cry. When I was with my mother, she tried to comfort me by talking, as long as she could. I remember her feeling regretful. She was the one responsible for the splitting up, and I was there, crying. I have never had a deep connection with my dad but I used to miss him. It wasn’t even missing him, sometimes I did feel sorry for him. Because he made me feel that way. He manipulated us like this for years. I felt like we’ve left dad at home, alone, miserable even though he was the reason why this was all happening.

    And when I’m back with my dad, since I cry mom had to send me back a couple of times, I felt even more miserable. I didn’t have anybody to talk. He used to find some people that have a child my age, and he used to make me meet him and then drop me on the way to his hobbies. I used to spend my day at other people’s houses and I tried to endure that. However, almost always, after some distraction hours with other people, I accidentally found a moment to feel like myself again and I started crying, first secretly and then resulting in them/parents finding me and trying to understand why I was like that. I’m guessing they would blame it on the splitting up and feel grateful since their child wouldn’t be like that. Then probably the parents used to call my dad and my dad would come and get me. He couldn’t make me meet with the same people again since it would’ve been rude. Since I did cry the last time, so maybe they would ask “why are you bringing this child to us”, right?

    So, after those fruitful conversations with him, at that silence, I felt so miserable. I suddenly got back to those years. I wasn’t safe. I was feeling that weird, ugly feeling deep down. I don’t know if it was anxiety, I am not sure. But in those moments, I cannot help but cry and the most memorable feeling would be feeling unsafe. Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand. But I couldn’t tell him more. It was really hard. I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen. But these mental breakdowns make me feel so vulnerable that I miss the last person I was able to be comfortable crying in front of. It was my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to call him and ugly cry, and I know that he would try his best in terms of understanding and helping. I guess I was able to express how confused I am.

    #387084
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Welcome back to your thread! I will read and reply when I am more focused, in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #387110
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    I wasn’t able to get back to you on time because I lost internet access and still don’t have access (I am using a public location at the moment).

    You wrote: “I’m learning. I’m learning to choose for me“- this is a good, good thing: you choosing for YOU!

    Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand. But I couldn’t tell him more“- over time, you will be able to tell him more, be patient and I hope he is patient too.

    I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen“- ask him if he wants to listen, if he is patient and can wait and be gentle with you, not pushy, not demanding.

    I miss..  my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to call him and ugly cry, and I know that he would try his best in terms of understanding and helping”– his best wasn’t good enough, not even close to being good enough.

    I guess I was able to express how confused I am“- I wish you clarity and the calm that comes with clarity!

    anita

     

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 173 total)

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