March 26, 2021 at 5:48 am #376575
I hope you are okay.
anitaMarch 27, 2021 at 6:02 pm #376655
Hi dear Anita, thanks for asking. He is now back from his hometown and we were fine for a few days. However, the cycle started to repeat. He was a bit upset and he annoyed me with some clever word-plays, some innuendos about my mistakes, such as the lack of desire on my part. I know that not being able to respond with desire in these situations is kind of normal, I’ve been stressed for so long and it’s just so hard to even breathe mindfully. When you’re not mindful at all, it’s hard to focus. I cannot distract myself with desire, it just doesn’t happen as it happens with him. Then we fought, I caught him looking through my messages when I was in the kitchen. Another discussion and I simply said that I didn’t want to warn him again about this since I’ve understood him doing this for the thousandth time. “Please, do not ever look through my stuff again”. He accepted, said that I was never this clear and he’ll listen. But in the morning, he tried again. I was furious and he was mad, as well. He kicked the wall and tried to break the glass, then went outside, we moved along with our days separately. Now, I guess we have to find a flat for him, I am still feeling sad about this stuff since I feel like I made him use all the drugs, I influenced him to go to another psychiatrist and be prescribed. I know I’m not the reason, but I feel like it could be different. I was distant at times, unable to respond to his need for attention and love. I took what I needed but I wasn’t able to give what he needed from me. Then, he started to look for some answers. Maybe our perceptions are different, maybe I need more than I can give, at this point. Maybe that’s not fair, I’m not sure. But I was able to see that living together harms him as well. Me being around him all the time gives him a burden as you suggested. He should be free of that burden first. I’ve gone to his room after he has fallen asleep to put a blanket on him yesterday, I feel really sad when he sleeps in his room, which has a little bed that’s not even clean enough instead of our comfy big bed. Also being on my own in this comfy big bed makes me feel upset and guilty as well. And he said that it makes him worse thinking about all the things I do, like putting on a blanket, since it reminds him that he’s the one to be blamed in this relationship. Now he might move in with someone who’ll disappear after 1-2 months and then he’ll be alone again.
I also quit my job, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just told a bunch of lies to be able to quit without hurting their feelings. It was not a nice way to quit, I felt so guilty for doing it this way but you can’t unring a bell. Now I’m home, most of the time, and I can process what is going on. I can mourn, I can be depressed without the obligation to be sleepless all the time. I can just cry without thinking how I will look with those swollen eyes in the morning or how will I conceal them before work. I guess I was also running from the inevitable side of humanity, being miserable. I was running from it, trying to stay in my comfort zone even though it was making me miserable day by day. I wasn’t feeling alone that much, but there were so many other things making me suffer. I guess I have to face it now, I have to be miserable for some time and do not let any other relationship distract me as I’ve done in the past.March 27, 2021 at 7:20 pm #376656
It is good to read from you again, Good thing you quit this inhumane job (way too many hours, including a long commute). I hope you will also quit this bad relationship: both of you are not getting better living together- you are getting worse!
I hope you find a way to separate from him and be okay by yourself, for now… or if you can’t, maybe you can live with a roommate, or in some other communal setting- just not with him!?
anitaMarch 28, 2021 at 3:16 am #376660
good to hear from you again! I think it was a very good decision that you quit your job, since you didn’t have any time for yourself and for things that actually make you happy, such as art and design. I see quitting your job as an act of self-love and self-care, and giving yourself a chance for something better and more enjoyable in the future.
However, having your boyfriend back living with you, doesn’t seem like a good choice for you. In fact, it seems like a dangerous and toxic thing, because even if his behavior might not be physically dangerous for you, it certainly is mentally and emotionally damaging, and it’s dragging you down. Because you start blaming yourself for not giving him enough love (“I was distant at times, unable to respond to his need for attention and love“), when in fact you know that in his current state, he’s incapable of a normal relationship, and that he’s just going to make you miserable.
In the last paragraph you talk a lot about being miserable, and if I understood well, a part of it is because of the way you quit your job?
“I also quit my job, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just told a bunch of lies to be able to quit without hurting their feelings. It was not a nice way to quit, I felt so guilty for doing it this way but you can’t unring a bell.”
What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?
“Now I’m home, most of the time, and I can process what is going on. I can mourn, I can be depressed without the obligation to be sleepless all the time. I can just cry without thinking how I will look with those swollen eyes in the morning or how will I conceal them before work.”
What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?
I wasn’t feeling alone that much, but there were so many other things making me suffer. I guess I have to face it now, I have to be miserable for some time and do not let any other relationship distract me as I’ve done in the past.
It’s okay to give yourself time to process and mourn things. And it’s better you do it alone, because having your boyfriend around just makes you feel even more miserable. You deserve to be loved in a healthy way, in a way that gives you joy and happiness. Love doesn’t have to mean misery and suffering, as it was for you all these years.
True love exists out there, but first it needs to be born inside of you – you need to love and value yourself. And you did the first step by quitting your job, no matter how clumsy or imperfect the act of quitting might have been (you can tell us more about it, if you’d like). But what’s important is that you stood up for yourself. That was an act of self-love. Now try to keep that momentum going, try not to spiral back into self-deprecation and suffering – because it doesn’t have to be your reality, because you’re capable and worthy of so much more!March 28, 2021 at 7:03 am #376662
First thing, it never happened to me before, that I remember, that I dreamt of a tiny buddha member, but I did last night, and it was you! It felt so real: I flew to the country where you live, was in an apartment building, in an apartment and heard your voice, figuring: oh, this is how miyoid sounds like. It was not a gentle, quiet voice- it was a strong, solid voice. And then I saw you, your face was similar to the photo by your screen name, the hair, similar features, but different, tougher than in the photo. Your mannerism was also not that of a shy woman, but .. again, a tough woman, one who is not afraid to make noise and confront people and situations. I saw the young man you are living with, he looked handsome and well-groomed, and I was surprised, in the dream, having expected him to look unkept and visibly disturbed.
And now, to real life: the young man you are living with is and has been mentally unwell for a long, long time. He suffers from (1) obsessive thinking (in regard to you, he obsesses about your past relationships), and compulsive behaviors (checking your phone/ computer records for past communications with men, having to tell you every thought that crosses his mind), (2) emotional and behavioral instability and unpredictability, a lack of self-regulation and control: he tells you that he loves you and he repeatedly wants to break up with you, he flirted with another woman and had her in your home when you were at work; he feels guilty of harming you emotionally, and yet he continues to say and do things that hurt your feelings, and as you stated: “a single word can change his mood enormously”! (3) suicidal feelings (“wants to be dead almost every second”, you wrote at one point) and behaviors, having repeatedly made suicidal gestures, and was hospitalized following a suicidal attempt, (4) he is not under psychiatric/ psychotherapeutic care.
On your part, you refer to this very-unwell man your support, and you feel that you “desperately need this support to stay alive”. Without what you perceive as this support/ this young man, you feel devastated, “burnt out… empty, shocked”, not having “the strength to do anything.. weak, too weak… I can only try to continue stay alive”, and you cry a lot.
Regarding other men in your past, before this one, you wrote in June 2019: “I pick whomever that I can get affection from. I crave affection, not the person… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection”, “Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments”.
I will close with these thoughts: what if you are tough, like the miyoid in my dream, but you don’t know it yet. What if you don’t have to remain the same scared little girl, and the tough woman takes charge?
anitaMarch 28, 2021 at 12:45 pm #376763
What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?
It was a family business kind-of company. Therefore, even in 3 months, they started to count me as one of the family members. Although the family liked making work their members till they exhaust themselves. So it wasn’t something logical to say “I want to quit.”. I just thought, since I knew the company via two of my professors, I could look bad. I cannot explain anyone else that the standards were not okay, even some acquaintances of mine told me that they were okay. People are used to working their whole life away, and they expect you to do the same thing. I didn’t think my co-workers would understand, they were already there, working for the 5th or 10th year nonstop, without any annual holidays. They would just think I was lazy and that is not something I want to be known for by my professors or anyone else for that matter. Another employer might just call them to ask about me as well. Anyways, therefore I wanted to come up with something both real and wouldn’t make me look bad. My father went through hell in the past 10 years, because of cancer. So I just told them that, I told them that I had to take care of him, get back to my hometown. They tried to persuade me for a couple days, they didn’t want me to leave. But I knew that I had to leave that place, in order to stay alive mentally. It wasn’t the ethical thing to do, I regretted it afterwards. And it also wouldn’t be serving my means as well, they can still say bad things about me. But I’ll be planning a career in a different country now, hopefully, maybe that’s something I shouldn’t care about. I decided to be completely selfish about this topic and just go with the flow.
What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?
I do not feel emotional about quitting my job, I felt amazing after I finally did it. These days, now that I started to forget how hard it is, I kind of envy those days since I did dress better, I did put on makeup, went there and did my job. But that was the first month, the other months were just terrible and it would keep being terrible if I didn’t quit. I just get back to normal when I remember the bad sides of it, so no problem in that area. It was the right thing to do, I know that for sure.
I guess I’ll be crying about the relationship side. Now he has decided to move out for sure, arranged that flat for 2-3 months only, then he’ll have to find another flat mate but I guess this is a risk he is willing to take. I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful. I’ll be yearning the way he communicates, all the intimate stuff I couldn’t do with anybody else. Maybe the most sentimental person I’ve known, I’ll be missing him like I would miss my mother, a caregiver.March 28, 2021 at 4:54 pm #376764
Dear Anita, I’m glad you’ve seen a dream like that! It must be because I literally wrote my whole life here. 😀
I have to thank you again, your support means a lot. Whenever I feel hopeless, I just log in here and try to express my feelings. And you always come up with brilliant analyses that help me a lot. I hope that I can reach to that side of me soon, I’ve had hard moments today since he decided what he’ll do and he also decided that we should end this eventually. I wasn’t much expressive when it comes to the decisions. I might have given him all the responsibility as well, I’m not sure. But he is sleeping in his room and he’ll move out soon. It feels very weird and sad when I think about all the good stuff we’ve experienced. I know, I have to remember the bad stuff as well, like I can do with the job. To sum it up, it’s time for me to learn how to function without someone special helping me.March 28, 2021 at 6:49 pm #376770
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words! Indeed this very early morning I saw you in my dream and it felt so real. I will reply to you further tomorrow morning, but for now, regarding what you wrote here: “it’s time for me to learn how to function without someone special helping me”- what came to my mind as I read it was: but you, miyoid, you are someone special, and therefore, you do have someone special with you to help you!
March 29, 2021 at 2:10 am #376782
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
I believe it’s not such a terrible thing you didn’t tell the truth about your motives for leaving. The most important for you at this point was to leave, and you did it, and you didn’t regret the decision. That’s what matters. With time, as you’ll be standing more and more in your power and authority, you’ll be able to express your needs and expectations more freely, and even admit when workplace conditions aren’t acceptable for you. But for now, it was important to leave that place, and you did it – good for you!
“I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful.”
Yes it is, for sure, but what is different now is that you’re aware of your patterns and that staying in them isn’t a solution. Not only that, but you’ve gathered the courage and strength to take care of your own needs, so you’re slowly changing that pattern of helplessness. As Anita said, you do have someone special to rely on – and that’s you! It won’t be easy at first, but it will be so much more rewarding in the long run.
So just hang in there, take it easy on yourself, take good care of yourself, perhaps you can even put on a makeup even if you don’t go to work – if that makes you feel better. You’re building a different response, and a different relationship with yourself, and it will take some time. So try to be patient and compassionate with yourself <3March 29, 2021 at 7:52 am #376787
You wrote yesterday regarding this young man who is preparing to move out from your place, that you will miss his emotional caregiving: “I’ll be missing him like I would miss my mother, a caregiver”-
Notice this- in Oct 22, 2020, in your original post on this thread, you wrote about how you miss receiving emotional care as a child: “I’ve started to realize a sense, a longing.. yearning for a sincere love or affection. But I feel like that pure sense was only possible during my childhood.. And I feel I’m missing my childhood more than ever… trying to feel like I’m in those times”-
-there was a time when you (and every person) as a young child did feel that pure sense of safety and pure trust in the caretaker. For too many of us, that pure emotional experience of safety and trust was shattered in ways that devastated us. Once devastatingly shattered, that pure sense of safety and trust can never be restored.
It is similar to the story of The Garden of Eden (the place of eternal, never-ending, never interrupted pure safety and trust and love and all good things): once Exiled from The Garden, Adam and Eve and humanity as a whole, can never return to The Garden. We are all forever Exiled. We can experience only moments of that pure emotional experience, here and there.
In June 2019, you shared about your childhood: “I.. was.. emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times.. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone”- after your first, very painful experience of being abandoned, your sense of pure safety and trust was devastatingly shattered for the rest of your life.
This young man appeared to you like a caregiver, like a mother, because sometimes he did a better job at caring for you emotionally than your mother: he listened to you better, he comforted you more when you cried. But (1) there is no way for him or for anyone to give you more than a moment of comfort here and there, (2) this young man is a bad candidate for a partner in life and overall, his participation in your life makes life worse for you.
If you understand on a deep level that you are Exiled, like me, like all people, and that it is impossible for any of us, once Exiled, to return to The Garden-
(1) You will no longer remain weak, longing, looking for and waiting to return to The Garden. Knowing it is not possible, you will get stronger,
(2) You will no longer see all men as potential partners, but you will distinguish between those who are likely to make your life better and those who are likely to make your life worse, and then choose a man in the first group,
(3) Being stronger, choosing correctly, and having realistic expectations from a relationship, you will be able to have a relationship that although will not take you back to The Garden of Eden- it will make your life significantly better!
anitaMarch 29, 2021 at 8:12 pm #376812
Dear TeaK and Anita,
Thank you for your kind words, I’ll be noting some down to read again when I am down again. Actually, your last posts were mostly encouraging. Thank you for that, again. I hope that I won’t be re-living my patterns. Also, I’ll try to invest my time, energy and money into the stuff I like the most, like drawing or maybe as I said, tattooing. I can just create more as I feel sad.March 29, 2021 at 8:25 pm #376813
You are welcome, miyoid, Anytime you want to express what you think and feel, please do.
anitaMarch 30, 2021 at 2:55 am #376816
you’re welcome! It’s a great idea to spend more time on things you enjoy and that fill you with energy, such as creating art, drawing, tattooing. It will make you feel better and support you in your healing, in getting stronger, in creating that safe, comforting space within yourself. Please do let us know how you’re doing and if you feel stuck or anything like that. Wishing you well, miyoid!April 5, 2021 at 2:21 pm #377254
I hope you are okay, miyoid, thinking about you!