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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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Viewing 11 posts - 76 through 86 (of 86 total)
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  • #375100
    miyoid
    Participant

    I totally see your point and I have to agree. I also asked this to myself from time to time, however, I know he does everything to be better towards me. So I cannot blame him for that. Also, from what I’ve heard or saw, he already does that. He does hold himself from expressing so many thoughts. His mind is full with them. So sometimes he can slip up and say a few of them. As for the finals, I’m surprised how he managed to complete all of them, I saw how hard it was for him to try and go on, though. I guess I’ll have to observe my thoughts, my mind and him during our separation (his trip to his hometown) and then act accordingly. I know that I’d feel terrible, I’d feel terrible. But even if I get laid off from work because of my performance being terrible, I would stay alive. I would feel neutral from time to time. It would be terrible mostly but I would see the neutral moments as well.

    You can see below how I can act rational sometimes. This applies to all humanbeings I guess.

    #375103
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Please come back to your thread during the anticipated separation from him and type away your feelings anytime you want to, maybe it will help. When you do, I will read and reply every time.

    When he is gone and you start feeling this aching emptiness and overwhelming loneliness, remind yourself that these are only feelings: it feels terrible, but your real-life situation .. is better for him not being there.

    anita

    #375105
    miyoid
    Participant

    Will do, thank you for everything.

    #375108
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, miyoid.

    anita

    #375160
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I am glad you found our ideas and suggestions helpful.

    If someone is understanding me, showing me empathy or showing me kindness about these deep topics, I burst into tears, I cannot help it.”

    It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

    If so, try to register this feeling of being cared for as something positive, and add it to the pool of positive experiences in the present moment, rather than allowing it to trigger sadness from that old pool of negative childhood memories. If you know what I mean (it does sound somewhat confusing).

    I also think it’s great what Anita suggested to keep posting here on the forum while your boyfriend is away, to make it easier for you in the following days and weeks.

    Regarding your boyfriend, you say: “But it seems like there are not any psychiatrist or psychologist good enough to help him. I don’t know what can be done, he doesn’t know as well. Being abandoned by one of the best and the most expensive psychiatrists around here, he feels helpless, I guess.”

    What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

    I’ll have to keep going by waking up everyday, running to the office, working for hours and hours, getting back home exhausted, sleep for a couple of hours and do the same thing over and over. That would be the case whether he stays or leaves.”

    You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

    #375233
    miyoid
    Participant

    It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

    Your words sound right, also it feels like I’m meeting with an old friend that I have missed a lot. However, you have to get used to the feeling, you have to feel normal with that friend I guess. But that’s not the case for me. It seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, it’s like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. I’m not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive. But then again I might be in that contradiction as well, whether or not worthy, I desperately need it.

    What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

    There isn’t any clear diagnosis, as far as I know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him regarding his therapies, so I didn’t poke my nose that much, which might’ve been a mistake. We’ve been living together for one year now and I don’t know most of the medication he has used. I guess I have a part of myself which tends to be distant as well, I might stay distant at some issues or situations like my mother. I need the attention but I have troubles giving the same attention I guess.

    I guess the doctors mentioned major depression and that’s all. Although, we thought he might have Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also heard that doctors tend to stay away from harsh expressions to make less mistakes during the treatment, I’m not sure. As for the psychiatrist that quit, he used to have this one psychologist and they did have a connection. I guess they did therapies for a long time, but she literally grew up with him. The psychologist was a bit young and she learned much with him, last summer when he asked for her help, she suggested that he should seek help from a more professional, experienced psychiatrist with a cognitive behavioral therapy background.

    Then he did look for someone and found this professor with all those experiences and went to get therapy from her even though it was very expensive. She prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day. He started to harm his belongings, like his computer or the door during an argument. He was also harming himself during or after those tantrums. After a couple of months and 3-4 sessions, I guess, that psychiatrist wanted to quit working with him. He was texting her asking for help during those months and I thought that she was kind of tired of this. But when I read everything he has texted, I realized there was nothing wrong with the messages. They were not a lot, not at all. He was just asking for help, and she didn’t even reply. I still have resentment towards that doctor, I feel very upset about this. I cannot imagine how bad it must’ve been for him.

    Then another friends’ suggestion was this psychiatrist from another city, so the sessions would be online. He called her and they talked, but this one suggested that online therapy would not be enough and he should seek professional help in a clinic face-to-face or even something like rehab. But the university kept giving different doctors to him everytime he went there. There wasn’t any consistency at all.

    You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

    This is my first job after graduation. I used to work all the time during my school years, I’ve started working when I was 15. I used to consider myself as a workaholic. However, this job is making me get rid of that title and concept. I know that I cannot spend my life, even a year of my life, working this hard, at a office, trying to please my boss. I am working 9 hours everyday and Saturdays are included as well. And I spend my Sundays with laundry, personal hygiene or cleaning. So it feels really bad to get home at night and try to relax, sleep for a while and then go back to work. It basically never ends and this suffocates me. I have a perfectionist boss who is not satisfied with anything, so the most stressfull thing is the boss. However, I decided that I must go on till I cannot anymore to put some money aside for my future. Maybe for a masters degree abroad or another opportunity, I’ll need money and I’m trying to earn that money at the moment.

    I’m sorry for this long post, but my colleague is playing depressive songs in his computer so I’m very influenced by that. So I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts more. I’ve talked with my mother last night for 1.5 hours on the phone. She kept going on and on about how he is a very good person but we cannot live like this. She is concerned, very concerned. She thinks that he manipulates me without knowing. She also suggested ‘me getting scared for losing him this much’ is related with ego. I was a bit more rational last night, I was able to talk, then sleep. But right now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.

    #375236
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I read your recent post- no worries, it is not too long: feel free to post at any length, anytime. I trust that the very intelligent and resourceful TeaK will reply to your responses to her post soon.

    I have one comment on this quote: “the care and support/ love that my boyfriend offers is not enough.. I need more and more. Every time he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention”-

    – your childhood experience of care, support and love was hugely lacking, and so, a huge longing, or craving for care, support and love was born in you. This craving cannot be satisfied: it either lies dormant for a while, or it awakens. When you are given some care, the care does not satisfy the craving, it awakens it.

    anita

    #375356
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    Has your boyfriend moved out? You mentioned he was planning to do so on Thursday…

    “It seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, it’s like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. I’m not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive.”

    “Right now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.”

     

    Dear miyoid, I understand you because I used to feel similarly, like I can’t live without my boyfriend. And when I wasn’t in a relationship, I felt a huge longing for love and an emptiness inside of me. I felt like an orphan, longing to be loved and taken care of. And I felt helpless and hopeless without someone to meet that need of mine. That was a long time ago. Since then, I’ve learned that I am capable of loving myself and giving myself love. At first, it was hard, because I felt like a dried-out well, so how can I possibly love myself?

    I don’t know if you believe in a higher power, but what helped me was that I asked Jesus to come to my heart, because without his love, I would perish. It was a very powerful meditation, in which I felt Jesus’ love pouring into my heart and filling the void that I felt there. After that, I could feel for the first time that I can be the source of love, that I can give love too, and not just receive it.

    So for me, it took a higher power to give me that first “portion” of love and open my heart, and also to make me feel that I am lovable, and that love can flow through me. That I am a conduit of love.

    From then on, everything changed. I stopped feeling like an orphan and depending on others to give me love. I could survive without their love. It doesn’t mean I don’t need others, far from that, just that I am much less needy in a relationship. I believe that if you could get in touch with that inner source of love – which is definitely there – things will dramatically change for you too.

     

    “She prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day.”

    I am sorry that your boyfriend didn’t get proper help, on the contrary it seems the medicine he got made his symptoms even worse. And then the psychotherapist didn’t respond to his texts and just left him hanging. Very unprofessional of her 🙁 I do hope that he finds someone better, at least that he manages to find one therapist who will consistently engage with him and help him stabilize.

    As for your job, it’s good that you don’t want to keep doing it for a long time, but just temporarily, until you can save some money. But I suggest you give yourself a time limit, and to leave as soon as possible.

    #375373
    miyoid
    Participant

    He hasn’t moved out, he went to his hometown 4 days ago and I guess he doesn’t know what to do. I try to be easy, I want what’s best for him. I don’t want him to move out if that would be bad for him, but I guess I should just wait and see since I cannot control what happens at this point. I’ve tried to talk with him a bit more yesterday, I’ve sent him some therapy videos just to give an idea, I know it’s a bit weird to send some videos or articles to someone who’s actually dealing with the problem. But I’ve been trying to do something for so long, I guess I just can’t do anything to make him better and I’m about to give up. We’ve been texting and he was triggered by some details again and then he blocked me at some point. Then he unblocked me to ask if I was okay. My feelings come and go, I was really upset when he said goodbye to me today, he was giving up. He told me that he won’t come here again, he’ll stay there. Now he says that he cannot stand them (his family) anymore, he’s staying with his mother at the moment. He is upset because they don’t communicate with him, I guess they just don’t try to understand. I wish there was something I can do to make this all better, but I cannot see anything right now. I’m out of ideas to try.

    As for the higher power subject, my parents have never talked to me about religion. I was brought up to be an Agnostic, although they were atheists. I’ve never thought about the higher power, I was also faced with lots of unjustness and I used to question the world as well. However, I tried to believe in something last year but all the stuff I’ve listened from my acquaintances that are Christian or Muslim were giving me all those nonsense with the miracles and non-questioned phrases. So I couldn’t find anything to believe in. I would like to believe in ‘the good’, though. However, I cannot do so while all these terrible stuff is happening around us all the time. I’ve already lost my trust and faith towards the good in people to a great extent. Maybe that’s what I need to work on. I feel like the world has this spiritual entropy as well, where everything just deteriorates and there’s no turning back.

    #375374
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “I want what’s best for him”- Seems to me that what’s best for him is:

    1) To live away from you, because (a) he has been so unhappy living with you, obsessing about your past relationships, and (b) he has been so unhappy living with you, feeling responsible for you not being able to live without him because you told him that in so many ways. He blocked you most recently, and then unblocked you just so to check if .. if you are still alive without him. It is a terrible way to live: being afraid to leave because the person left will die.

    2) To live away from his family because he is unhappy with them.

    “I’ve already lost my trust and faith towards the good in people… the world has this spiritual entropy.. where everything deteriorates and there’s no turning back”-

    – don’t give up on the world, miyoid. I too get discouraged but giving up hope is not a solution: for as long as we are alive, we must hope. Your faith in “the good in people” will resurrect perhaps if you choose to be a good person today, and free this  man from the terrible burden/ prison of feeling responsible for your life: let him know that you are able to live without him, and then.. live without him.

    anita

    #375395
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I too was ambivalent about the higher power because I had lots or preconceptions about God, e.g. I thought God was an old man with a beard who is judging me, punishing me and wants to deprive me of pleasure and joy in life. Later I realized this “God” of mine resembled my mother a little, not physically, but psychologically 😀

    I was always interested in spirituality, so when I found a description of God that felt more loving and accepting, I adopted that and it worked for me. It helped me open my heart and feel the love flow through me. That helped a great deal with my feeling of being unloved and depending on others to love and care for me.

    But you don’t have to choose that route for yourself, if you don’t inclined to. You can start by buying a puppy, if you love animals, or a flower that you can care for. Taking care of an animal can help you open your heart and experience that you too are capable of giving love. That there is love in your life, within you, even without someone else giving it to you.

    You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

    Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.

     

Viewing 11 posts - 76 through 86 (of 86 total)

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