Dear Murtaza:

You deleted your first thread, but I copied a lot of it before you deleted it (anyone can do that, simply select, copy and paste).  I just spent hours re-reading much of our massive communication and what I feel at the end of the the reading is different from what I felt at the  beginning of the reading. I think that you and I had an understanding, a meeting of the minds for a long time before I lost my patience with you and ended our communication last year. You were increasingly honest with me over time and this morning, I feel a renewed appreciation of your honesty, and I regret having lost my patience with you. And yet, I don’t know what I can possibly do for you other than be the Fantasy Woman in your Fantasy- the mother figure who holds you and cares for you. I don’t want to be that fantasy woman for you. And I know that I cannot be okay with you living the way you do, aspiring for nothing but being (however impossible) a loved, cared-for baby.

It is clear to me that anyone who underestimates your intelligence is making a big mistake. I don’t know what you or others think about my intelligence, but in my mind- you are at least as intelligent as I am, probably more. You have great analytical/ thinking skills, and you are indeed, as you put it, a “truth seeker”. You are educated, informally way more than formally, and you thought a whole lot about a whole lots of things- there is nothing new that anyone can tell you on the topic of mental health and on many other topics.

The way you are now is understandable when looking at how you came to be, over the years, the way you are now: you shared that when you were a child, your brother used to beat you. Your father didn’t care and your mother didn’t do much to stop the beating. When you were a teenager, your uncle used to beat you while your father was present, “he didn’t even come to defend me”, you wrote about your father. You hid from that uncle in the bathroom as he kept screaming at you, “It was really clear to me that I am alone in this world and no one gonna help me”, you wrote.

You shared last year that when you were a child, you wanted an Xbox, you “used to pray a lot for it.. imagined having it a lot at nights”, but your mother bought your brother a new computer, and his old computer was passed on to you. She told you that the Xbox was too expensive, and that you already hot (your brother’s old) pc, and a phone. You never received the Xbox you wanted so badly, and you “never wanted it again”-  you wanted that Xbox too much and for for too long before you stopped wanting it.

You shared about your mother’s love: “when I said she loved me, I meant when I was a child. I see her sometimes with babies and she is very loving”- you imagine that she loved you very much when you were a baby, but you don’t remember her love. You witnessed her love as a spectator, not as a receiver of her love.

You wrote regarding your mother in adolescence and later: “Every time I do actually take the charge, she tells me that this is wrong. Every time I try to, she judges me and makes me feel like I’m not a man to be in charge. And the times I do good when I was in charge doesn’t feel like anything”- she discouraged you from taking charge. Coupled with you witnessing her being very loving to babies, no wonder you want nothing but to be a baby, however impossible.

“Every time we talk she misunderstands me. She doesn’t respect my opinion”- no wonder that in your fantasy, a mother figure understands you and respects you.

When your mother went out and about, and took you with her, you observed that “she does stupid stuff that attract men’s attention”, and you felt anxiety “for not being able to protect her”. When your father was alive and he and your mother got into fights, you “always fight with my dad for her, and protect her from him.. I always made my dad fight with me instead of her”- you were a fighter before you stopped fighting.

About your mother: “She makes really stupid decisions and me and the whole family take the consequences”, then she feels bad about herself, and the family has to comfort her. “She has a victim mentality”.

Your father died in 2018, and when he died, it was “a relief to us all. He was old man nagging all the time and fighting with us for no reason… my father had a house and retirement and that’s the only things he gave us”.

This is your life in practical terms (last year): “I’m 20, I live with my family… I have no job and I was a student and dropped out. I actually dropped out living as a whole… I got my father’s retirement, so I don’t need money”

This is your attitude: “I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life… I don’t care about myself to try to ‘fix it’… either way I’m going to die so why not make it an easy life for myself.. to suffer less till the end.. not doing anything”- like a baby, easy life, not doing anything adult-like.

Today, May 23, 2021, you posted about your only hope: “only hope that somehow I will be loved without changing”- that’s you insisting to be a loved, cared-for baby, not required to do anything adult-like.

Your dream/ fantasy, May 2021: “I also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me, I sometimes imagine myself as a baby, who being taken care, loved, nurtured”.

June 2020: “In the fantasy, the woman is always older and bigger than me.. more like superior to me, and I’m just pathetic and weak in her hands… like a mother and a child relationship.. I need her just as the child needs his mother to nurture me and give me her love and affection and cuddle me.. I’m just someone who she cares for and likes…I feel very vulnerable and weak and I really like that… I  just like to feel weak and pathetic in front of someone”.

You were very pessimistic about your chances of having the fantasy woman in your life: “even if I find the woman (which in the middle east gonna be really hard).. there is 100 things that will come between me and the fantasy.. this is really hard to find especially in a place like the middle east”. One of the things to come between you and your fantasy was/is that you “have this lifestyle (not having a job)”, and women where you live are weak women: “I dislike when I see a weak female not because she is weak but because I know I can’t fulfill her needs. Just telling a female that I don’t have a job, she would respect me less. In fact, she wouldn’t respect me at all”.

You wrote: “Why do you think I like to act weak and pathetic around a woman? I asked myself that and the only answer was because it’s lovely”. You shared that your fantasy makes it possible for you to sleep at night.

Earlier, you did want to get married, “to talk to a female and love her and have sex with her. To have a wife”. You found out that you will have to work at least 10 years before you can get married. You started working for that goal but felt so much “stress and despair thinking that I have to that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry”- so you quit that goal.

You wrote to me in the summer of 2020: “I  like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what I say. You also sound very wise and I like that”, “Thank you, you make me feel very warm inside”. And later, “I feel bad because I’m wasting your time to be honest. I know I’m not gonna do anything about these stuff and I’m just taking your time and energy”, and “the best thing I did was to just quit life”, “I believe that life is going to be worse for me.. the more I get older the more I became more miserable and life gets harder.. I am weaker and more helpless than ever and I don’t think I will ever change, and it can only get worse”, “Life isn’t worth living, it’s not worth fighting for”- somewhere along the way I understood that no matter how long I communicate with you, I will make no difference in your life: I will witness you getting weaker and weaker, like you predicted, making no difference to you.

“I just like coming here and talking to you”- yes, that was my only use in your life. None of my input, my sharing about my life, my suggestions etc.. none made a difference and none was going to make a difference. You just liked talking to me. All you wanted from me was to help you “cry again and feel warm inside” while you keep suffering.

“suffering is inevitable, no matter what I do, I always suffer… I might sound that I’m suffering a lot, but I’m not really”- you are not really suffering… really???

“I don’t have the desire to change… How can I create a desire to change?”- do you want to .. have the desire to change?

anita

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