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wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life?

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  • #379002
    Murtaza
    Participant

    i will give a simple example, you see a child suffer, you cant stop it, you cant change it, you only can help him by ending it

    im at a point of my life that nothing will do any good, just more suffering, people seems so far away, i refuse to change, even though im so me miserable in this life, i just hate life so much, i cant help it, let me correct myself i wont help it, i think that if i end my life i will finally rest, if i really love myself i would do it, but at the end of the day i cant, its just too hard for me, so im stuck here, i wish i can cry, i wish i can be hugged while crying and just disappear, but that wont happen because i refuse to live life as it was intended, as it was set by Society, i dont think it matters anymore, nothing is, even making this post

    #379025
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    I am sorry you’re suffering and having negative thoughts.

    i refuse to live life as it was intended, as it was set by Society

    Can you explain this a little bit more – how is life intended to be lived, which you refuse to do?

    #380194
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I am sorry you’re suffering and having negative thoughts.

    those are not negative thoughts, that’s a label, i only care about what true and what is not true, and what i said, have some truth in it, as sad as it sound.

     

    i refuse to live life as it was intended, as it was set by Society

    i just don’t have the same desires, not the same values, nor the same belief, of a regular human being, for this i can’t have my basic needs, i don’t have the desire to change, actually i perfer death to change to fit society standard, i see it as the ultimate betrayal, since its my personality we are talking about here, not something new, not something changeable, i believe as long as im gonna live, im gonna be miserable, and i love myself, i don’t want it to suffer for nothing, what’s the point of just surviving ? im i just an animal ? everyday i see what i’ve lost from life, my basic needs, my emotions, love, and i can’t do anything about it, can’t even be sad about it anymore, i cant even fantasize anymore, im basically dead, what kind of life is this ? i’ve lost it, before i even have it, and that’s not what’s bothers me, the possibility, the guilt of not doing what i can, even when i know i don’t wanna, what’s the point of love that require me to change? that’s the whole point of love, acceptance, but no, no one loves you like that, you will have to have a normal life, you will have to work, have dreams, have goals, have hobbies, all by society standard, i might as well just fake a whole persona, just to fit, to be loved, then can i feel that love ? no, it will be fake, i will know it, i’ve accepted life like this, without basic needs, without love, without anything, but why ? what’s the point ? its been over 3 years, now, it all leads to the same end, it all leads to death, so why not have mercy on myself? by continuing living i will have both good and bad, bad is more for me, by dying, not being, hopefully, i won’t be i won’t lose the good because i won’t even exist to experience lose, i see this as an absolute win, but really there is no choice here, i will simply either break the survival instinct because of a combination of external events and internal or i won’t

     

    #380243
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    what’s the point of love that require me to change?

    it appears you experienced love as very conditional and weren’t loved and accepted for who you are. You don’t want to change to fit other people’s expectations, because you feel it would be fake, and you don’t want to pretend, you want to live an authentic life.

    Would you like to expand on it a bit more? What happened 3 years ago, when you started feeling this way?

     

    #380248
    Murtaza
    Participant

    it appears you experienced love as very conditional and weren’t loved and accepted for who you are

    it doesn’t matter, it happened, and nothing will be changed, i was created in a way that guarantee misery, i won’t change, neither is society

     

    Would you like to expand on it a bit more? What happened 3 years ago, when you started feeling this way?

    i would like to, but i already did once with antina, there is no point, she ended up ignoring me, when she knew that i don’t wanna change, that i am a lost case, i don’t blame her, i just wished i did wanted to change, i just wished i wasn’t so different, at least i will have the idea that i can be loved, just the idea makes a difference, i really love myself, or at least i try to, but the cost of love when it comes to other people is so high, so expensive for me, and i know, i know there is nothing without a price, i just won’t pay it, even antina, i really great person didn’t wanna continue talking to me, i don’t wanna waste anyone time anymore.

    #380249
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    i was created in a way that guarantee misery, i won’t change, neither is society

    i just wished i wasn’t so different

    Do you have some physical or other disability that makes you feel different?

    It seems you’ve experienced rejection a lot, and last time it was by someone called antina.

    she ended up ignoring me, when she knew that i don’t wanna change

    How did she want you to change?

     

     

    #380261
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Do you have some physical or other disability that makes you feel different?

    just different personality, different values, beliefs, way of thinking

     

    It seems you’ve experienced rejection a lot, and last time it was by someone called antina.

    believe me i have no life outside in the real world, antina is on this site , i really didn’t care much about her ignoring me, since i knew that will happen, it just makes me sad i can’t get close to nice people, without changing who i am completely, in order to be accepted and liked, but really there is no possibility where i live, so i neither can have it online or offline, i actually don’t care anymore, about any of this, i just miss people, i guess the idea of people, the idea of connection, but when i come to reality its not as good, its not worth it.

    #380265
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    you say about yourself: just different personality, different values, beliefs, way of thinking

    Can you tell me about your values and beliefs? How are they different than those of other people?

    You said that society will only accept you if you “work, have dreams, have goals, have hobbies, all by society standard”.

    What are your goals and dreams?

     

    #380273
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Can you tell me about your values and beliefs?

    well from where im from everybody believes in god, its an Islamic country, i don’t believe in any god

    i don’t believe in the self, nor freewill

    i don’t believe that life is worth living, i don’t believe its worth the trouble of fighting

    i can’t remember any more right now, i will have to think about this, as for values

    i don’t value anything, almost, i see values as something to be controlled by, though i think my brain value some things, such as truth, comfort, peace, my alone time, music, im flexible when it comes to values, i sometimes lie, or not follow the truth, but my brain still seek it and value it, i might value love, but i don’t have it, i value the people that are close to me, my little sister, some online friends, though i don’t value friendships, i don’t value people in general, i see them as a resource

     

    What are your goals

    well my number one goal is to have the easiest life there is, that means no fighting, no changing, no struggle, no people that might make my life harder, that properly means misery but so be it, i actually don’t want this goal, its just a part of my programming, my mother always takes the easy way, its a deep problem that takes root in my teenage years, and no i don’t wanna fix it, because guess what ? that means i have to drop this goal because more suffering will come from trying to fit and change, and i despise society, and his values and beliefs, i was a Muslim, and i suffer greatly because of that, because of society stupid beliefs and values, i suffer greatly, and im not only saying that on where i live, i mean everybody, i was on the internet most of my adult life, normal people (people who has normal values and beliefs, that was abstracted from society as a whole) fall in the same category of hate, i have a history of following people ideas and advice, and none of them worked for me, no i don’t feel different, I am different, that belief is based on numerous evidence

     

     and dreams?

    since dreams have no limits, i have many in this regard, all are incompatible with reality and my goals and values, i dream of crying, not like crying in reality, but a cry that heal somehow, i also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me, i sometimes imagine myself as a baby, who being taken care, loved, nurtured, sadly i can’t seem to imagine this, only a fraction, only few pictures for few seconds, i used to have a rich fantasy world, but even that is gone now, i fantasized about all kind of things, but over time i started to believe less and less in them, sadly my brain prefers reality based fantasy, a world where i can get what i need and desire without paying a price, a price i can’t afford, but as i got older i found that i can’t imagine a lie, something that will never happen to me, even in my dreams i had to drop my standards, i used to think a lot of ways i can get what i want without changing, pity love, a situation where i get free love, so desperate, as a result, i don’t see women as a potential partner, i only see someone who can satisfy my needs and desire, a mother, sadly where i live there is no CBT, but at this point i refuse to change, i refuse to do anything that conflict with my beliefs and goals, so even that is lost

     

    i really don’t care anymore about any of this really, im not sad, i actually have a somehow a decent life, an easy one, one that i don’t have to do anything, one that i live by my rules in it, not other people rules, i don’t respect rules, even the ones i make, since its just my programming running in the background, i don’t take responsibility of being a human, i don’t take any kind of responsibility i don’t like.

     

    im glad that you are asking, but can you tell me why? what’s the point ?

     

    #380281
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    thank you for answering, you said some really interesting things, for example this:

    i also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me, i sometimes imagine myself as a baby, who being taken care, loved, nurtured,

    Well, did you know that we all dream about that? That you’re no different in that respect from the rest of humanity? Every baby and every child longs for being hugged and understood and comforted and held. But so many children don’t receive it, which causes trauma and all sorts of problems later in life. It seems to me you haven’t received that love and nurturing, and this might be the basis of your feelings today.

    But please know that in that longing, you’re no different than the rest of humanity, than the rest of the people in your country.  Only many of them might not be showing it and admitting it. They might have hardened their hearts to that love and seek something else to compensate for it. Perhaps you don’t want to compensate for it, because you know that all compensation is fake, it’s not the real thing. It’s not the true love that you long for – true love that you know, at least in your dreams.

    im glad that you are asking, but can you tell me why? what’s the point ?

    So I can know you better and perhaps help you see some things, e.g. that you’re not that different, and that your longing is valid.

     

    #380283
    Murtaza
    Participant

     That you’re no different in that respect from the rest of humanity?

    of course i do, im human after all, i desire love and have normal emotion, almost, i don’t understand the need to say such obvious facts.

     

     Perhaps you don’t want to compensate for it, because you know that all compensation is fake

    im more then happy to have a normal relationship, though i know this isn’t possible without at least change 80% of me, and no, not all of compensation is fake

     

    It’s not the true love that you long for

    im too smart to chase such love, i already said i don’t value love much, you asked about my dreams, and dreams is not something i choose, by dreams i mean desires and needs, because this is all what dreams about for me, i don’t dream of anything besides that, i don’t want to be anything or do anything.

     

     and that your longing is valid

    so i can have what i need ? i don’t think so, i mean i can understand why i have this, but whats the point if i can’t satisfy a bits of it?

     

     

    #380291
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    of course i do, im human after all, i desire love and have normal emotion, almost, i don’t understand the need to say such obvious facts.

    What you said previously suggested that you felt fundamentally different, because you said:

    i was created in a way that guarantee misery

    You weren’t created differently, nor are you sentenced to misery forever. Your experience growing up probably involved a lot of rejection, but you decided it’s your fault that you’re so needy. You wanted love but couldn’t get it, perhaps you were even judged and reprimanded for wanting love. That’s why you started believing that there’s something wrong with you, that you’re created in a wrong way (i was created in a way that guarantee misery).

    At the same time, you don’t want to change to fit your parents’ and the society’s expectations. You believe that you can only receive love if you change to fit the society’s expectations, and you don’t want that. If the society expects you to relinquish love and become “tough”, then you’re right in not wanting that. So I understand your resistance to change.

    my number one goal is to have the easiest life there is, that means no fighting, no changing, no struggle, no people that might make my life harder,

    my mother always takes the easy way, its a deep problem that takes root in my teenage years

    If you would like to talk more about how your mother took the easy way, you’re welcome.

     

    so i can have what i need ? i don’t think so, i mean i can understand why i have this, but whats the point if i can’t satisfy a bits of it?

    You can, if you’re completely honest with yourself and admit your legitimate need for love, without blaming yourself that it’s wrong for you to need it.

     

    #380292
    Murtaza
    Participant

    What you said previously suggested that you felt fundamentally different

    I am, and i already said why above, my life is a fair example of that difference, i think differently from the people around me, i have different beliefs and values

     

     nor are you sentenced to misery forever

    my personality, the combination of beliefs and values and goals and dreams and feelings suggest that i won’t live a happy life, i already have proof, its the stubbornness to live Independently and not caring enough to what other people think and do, how can i achieve my basic needs, if i don’t have either the will to do so nor that i value you them ? and how im gonna achieve my basic needs if i live in a place most people won’t understand me? how can i achieve Communication or basic understanding, is it really worth it then ? if i can’t have the basics ? not because im different, but because i was unlucky to born this way.

     

    that you’re created in a wrong way

    i was, i believe the right way is to accept society ideas, the happiest people is the people who follow their programming, a programming that can fit with society standards, and most people are born this way, the proof is the world around you, there isn’t much people that value what i value, that think how i think, this because all their thoughts and beliefs were handed to them by society, the only different is that i refuse to take them, and this doesn’t make me wrong or bad, just unlucky that i have such programming

     

    If you would like to talk more about how your mother took the easy way, you’re welcome.

    i was just saying its the something i inherited, that i don’t blame myself for such goal or belief, it is what it is, and i really don’t care about my mother to talk about her

     

    You can

    prove it.

     

    if you’re completely honest with yourself and admit your legitimate need for love, without blaming yourself

    maybe i implied in some way that i blame myself, i don’t, again i don’t believe in freewill, there is nothing i did wrong, nothing i gained, nothing i do or did gonna be bad or good, because its all a part of my programming, can i change such programming? maybe, do i want to ? no, why ? because its a part of my programming not wanting to change, there is no blame here,

     

    all this, suggest that i at least think differently from you, and you might have a trouble understanding

     

    that it’s wrong for you to need it.

    it is wrong, not by what you mean by the word, but wrong in which i can’t satisfy it in real life, i obviously can’t have another mother, and can’t be a baby again, i can find a middle ground, where i can have some of this love, but what do i have to do ? change my whole personality and values and goals, will it matter then? when i completely change myself in order to be loved knowing no one would’ve loved me when i actually loved myself, if my middle ground is to love myself, i accept such middle ground, at least i won’t depend on external, people, but it won’t satisfy my desired love, the love that i want, thus its the wrong desire, because i can’t satisfy it

     

    You believe that you can only receive love if you change to fit the society’s expectations

    that believe is based on evidence and a lot of observation

    #380294
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    that believe is based on evidence and a lot of observation

    yes, you’ve grown up surrounded by people who were sending you this message, and maybe even the whole society sent you this message. You don’t know anything else. But somewhere in your bones, in the depth of your heart, you know there’s something else. You know that something is wrong with the belief system you grew up in. That’s why you’re writing on various forums, searching, probing… and that’s fine, don’t give up your search!

    all this, suggest that i at least think differently from you, and you might have a trouble understanding

    In fact, your thinking is not that different than mine, because like you, I wouldn’t be able to settle if I’d need to deny my need for love. I wouldn’t want to change the core of my being so that I could please the society. Because what if the society’s beliefs and a view of love is distorted, and not you?

    However, there are aspects where our thinking differs, and it is in the notion of free will. You don’t believe in freewill, I do. If you believe you’re a victim of some programming, and you can’t change the program, then you’re doomed. However, if you can change the program – refuse to believe in certain limiting ideas – you can be free. You have the free will to believe differently, to step out of the “matrix”.

    But, you might find it extremely difficult to start believing differently, because this might mean that you need to go against your family, against the norms of your society. This might mean “fighting” and “struggle”, which you absolutely don’t want. You want the easy way, because you saw it around you when growing up. The easy way is to accept those norms and live according to them. And forget the longing of your heart.

    i actually have a somehow a decent life, an easy one, one that i don’t have to do anything, one that i live by my rules in it, not other people rules,

    Would you care to explain that a little? You have a decent and easy life, you don’t have to do anything, and yet, you don’t live by the society’s rules. How is that possible for you?

     

    #380298
    Murtaza
    Participant

    But somewhere in your bones, in the depth of your heart, you know there’s something else

    no, only hope that somehow i will be loved without changing, its false hope based on my mother personality (dreamy unrealistic view of things ) which i inherited

     

    You know that something is wrong with the belief system you grew up in. That’s why you’re writing on various forums, searching, probing

    i like how you say this without hesitation, like this is the only reason why i made such post, its actually not, its a combination of my dreamy  quality and boredom, that maybe somehow i will feel something when i post here

     

    Because what if the society’s beliefs and a view of love is distorted, and not you?

    actually my view of love, my desire of love, is the distorted one, society has nothing to do with this, i like to imagine society is evil by nature, the only problem i had was to think otherwise when i was young, i’ve been told lies after lies, how life is, how ugly and boring it really is, only if i knew that, i wouldn’t expect anything more

     

     If you believe you’re a victim of some programming

    we all are, in some way or another, sometimes its good sometimes its bad, according to society good and bad

     

     and you can’t change the program

    nope, never said that, infact the whole thing allow more freedom to change my programming, since i wouldn’t say this is my feeling or my belief, just some inherited qualities, and i can change a fair amount of any of this, i always used “refuse” “won’t” never dared to say “can’t” cause i believe i can do anything, in the limit of reason, though i will always have the basic programming

     

    then you’re doomed

    even if i did really believe i can’t, it would be only a part of who i was raised to be, and even the desire to change this belief is tied to my programming, but yes this is a bad belief to have, and no its not either someone fault to have such belief, sure he can change it, unless his programming allow him to do so

     

     You have the free will to believe differently

    my only problem with freewill that there is no enough evidence to suggest we have one, just like the belief in a god can be good and bad, freewill can have bad and good qualities, i like to say im skeptic about wither we have freewill or not, cause i know in this world, its too dumb to be sure of anything, but i tend to be more on the “we don’t have one” side

     

    to step out of the “matrix”

    lol, believe me in this mind and life, there is no happiness

     

    But, you might find it extremely difficult to start believing differently

    who said i want? i actually don’t care wither my position or beliefs are true or false anymore, but if i do what would be the motive ? love ? i don’t find any problem with my current understanding and beliefs, sure i have some bad beliefs and ideas about the world, but we all do, its a normal thing

     

    because this might mean that you need to go against your family, against the norms of your society

    im actually doing this right now, as i said “the happiest people who follow their programming”, i could’ve had an easier way, to follow my own programming, my own feelings and thoughts, those that were handed to me by society and family, but i didn’t, i thought for a long time, my feelings and beliefs if i got into a normal life, would’ve made me twice as miserable from now, since i like sadness, the problem isn’t with society, its with my programming, the way i was raised, the way i work, and functions, my feelings, sure i can change those, but for what ? i already have the best life that i can think of, the best life to guaranty the least suffering, infact i had to give myself this life, i always felt guilty, for doing somethings (like school and work) just because society value them

     

     The easy way is to accept those norms and live according to them

    i wish i could do that, then i wouldn’t be so alone and so hated by people around me, but no, i had to go against everything i was taught, you think its easy ? to live this alone, to create your own values and beliefs your own way of thinking, your own philosophy, that will give the least suffering, to check every information you hear, to re think and re taught yourself, to get rid of the bad beliefs, all by your own, to not follow your own feelings and thoughts, because they are part of your bad programming, to not follow your desire, your longing of wanting to cry, your longing of having a second a mother, a replacement of what i lost, while i offer nothing because i don’t care enough about people, you Cleary don’t know who you are talking with

     

    The easy way is to accept those norms and live according to them. And forget the longing of your heart.

    i actually think if i did that i would’ve go to a point, the middle ground, maybe somekind of a relationship, but no, i had to discover my own values and goals and mess this up (im joking obviously)

     

     you don’t live by the society’s rules. How is that possible for you?

    my father has retirement, that allows me to live without wasting my time doing things i don’t wanna do just to live, paid slavery if you ask me, since i don’t value money, neither the things that i can buy with money, that gives me freedom of my time, if i decided to follow society, that will mean work, marry and have kids, and i won’t do either, since those will mean i have to take a lot of shit from people, follow a lot of rules that i don’t want to, wither its the whole religion, or the toxic norms, and goodluck finding a female that don’t value those, its very rare, since females tend to follow the rules more, biologically speaking, i can’t live with someone that doesn’t understand me, and who i am now makes it very difficult to find people who does, especially in my country, if you gonna suggest i leave, NO, just no, life will be harder, and i already don’t find any enjoyment of things, imagine paying a price without reward, or a little reward, a hope, i won’t follow hope, what a dumb decision, besides i will be deprived of my free time and have to put a lot of work and do a lot of stuff  i don’t want to do, just no

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