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Murtaza

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  • #387857
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hi peter, thank you for telling me a bit about your personal experience, i wanted to ask how are you in my last post, but i realised people don’t like to be asked personal questions.

     

    I feel so ashamed of everything, just existing, i feel so much gulit, i don’t know if its the withdrawal symptoms or the state of my life, its all my fault.

     

    I did it again, i made a decision under apathy, i should’ve done my research, i can’t keep doing this, i can’t do things without caring and endure the consequences.

     

    the Generalized anxiety disorder is killing me, i can’t fight a random/fast thought, maybe i can, like always, i take exuces, i don’t even think about suicide anymore, i know i can’t, i know i won’t do it, i liked the idea that i could leave whenever, the freedom of it, but its just a lie i tell myself, i knew this.

     

    I don’t know if my problem can be fixed externally, if i do something, maybe work, i will no longer feel shame and guilt, but the GAD gonna gets worse.

     

    I miss my meds, i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t feel botherd or ashamed or guilt, no GAD.

    #387765
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hi peter, i think i understand

    what you mean.

     

    I don’t think i will do it in anytime though, i don’t think i will do anything anymore at this point, even if i wanted one day, it won’t last, the motivation, the reason, i don’t think i can describe how i feel about the world, about life, how i feel everyday, i don’t think anyone would care even if i try, so im gonna stop.

     

    Thank you peter, it was nice talking to you, i will try to not be desperate for human connection to endup to make pointless posts, its fair, im paying for something i signed up for, you wouldn’t believe my thoughts pattern when i made this post, what i actually wanted, its not to talk and learn, far from it.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by Murtaza.
    #387480
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Also just so you know, i wanted to do online therapy yesterday, i liked the idea that someone could listen to me, but there were some external problems, too expensive to solve, i still wanna do it, if there were easier option.

    #387479
    Murtaza
    Participant

    so you’re clinging to something that’s not working.

    This is my personality we talking about

     

    your view of life is very destructive, and as I said, it blocks you from having loving relationships.

    I understand teak, i will never have anything with my current mindset.

    #387471
    Murtaza
    Participant

      But you don’t doubt this. You “know” with certainty that certainty is not possible,

    I doubt it before, but i find it compelling,  by observation, we really don’t know a lot about anything, we just do what everybody do, what if its wrong? Who cares? We won’t know if its wrong.

     

    I have to have a basic certainty for my doubts, some order in my mind, i do doubt my beliefs sometimes, but not because of an argument someone made, just because someone thought, or the majority don’t believe in it, i like when someone makes a good argument against my belief, its a nice exercise to my mind, don’t you think?

     

    One of the things  noted in your comments is that they show no indication of being in doubt

    Because i tried and it does nothing, external validation is useless when i belief the opposite, though i do show my doubt side, don’t you remember? Asking for validation were because of doubt, doubt of myself, doubt of if im doing the right thing, doubt that its my fault, a never ending doubt supported by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so it will never ends and never leaves, the only time i did experience a peace of mind were on meds, but it was so costly, so expensive, no feelings, no passion, suffering is tasteless, life is boring and doll, and it was money wise expensive too.

     

    Though i do feel regret quitting it, because now its also bad, too much feelings, too much loneliness, a strong soul numbing desire to be loved, knowing it won’t will never happen, everyday a reminder.

     

    Thinking about those two options, with drugs, or without, i can swear i would never pick an option that will satisfy me, both options are as bad as the other, both are predetermined by my own past

     

    You have no doubt about the present which you tend to project into the future

    I have the enough proof to assume the future, really what my current mindset and feelings, anyone would guess the same, what do you think will happen peter? Im really asking, what do you think based on what you read from me will happen? It makes me sad to picture the future, to know the only possibility of being happy is to not be at all.

     

    I have seen it, for few years now, my life, going downhall, i don’t think i ever went up, i lost my diginty, self respect, feelings, passion, goals, dreams, should’ve left while i had some dignity.

     

    as if picked randomly = no control = despair.

    Tell me whats the biggest insult to having a thinking mind? Not using it, or worse forced to use in bullsh*t.

     

    Its known that people who believe they have no control over thier lifes tend to be more depressed, im not peter sadly, i can’t have the spiritual awakening, im barely even human.

     

    The one certainty I have is that ‘We very easily create what we Fear’

    You know what i feared the most in my teenage years? To be an atheist nihilistic person, along the way i knew it would happen, the future became clearer, i believed in god back then, i prayed and prayed to not let me be this, “please god take me before”, maybe there is a god and im already in hell, interesting idea, at one time before i leave religion, i liked seeing myself in hell, suffering, it was satisfying to imagine, “fair”.

     

    I read the story, it did make things clearer, thank you.

     

    I understand what you mean, but i honestly have no idea how to make it happen in real life, at one point i think you said, its not something you choose, from the stroy it seems that luck/randomness made the sparrow realise, what if he wasn’t lucky enough? What if there is another sparrow that didn’t had this realisation?

    #387370
    Murtaza
    Participant

    about a guy who wonders what would have happened had he made a different choice at his graduation. The choice was a minor one

    I think that its impossible to choose other things if we ever rewind time, with the same thought pattern/the same atoms of that event, the same everything, we would choose the same thing

     

    I think its only possible if we changed the things that made him do the action, or chance. Chance that at this moment and time something werid happen to him, a person or a thought entered his mind and changed his decision, its a rare possibility, but still possible.

    #387369
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You’ve asked me that several times before, and every time I tried to give you an answer, you said it was “bullshit” and that it’s not applicable to you

    Can’t i just have a little bit without going the whole journey? Can’t i just feel good for a while without changing and betraying my whole life and self?

     

    If you still feel the same about the things I’ve said

    I do, i believe that healing is bullshit for me, i don’t know how to change that without first seeing that it isn’t, a proof, every experience of mine is against it.

     

    There is no hope is there? I just don’t understand why this stops me for having love, my beliefs doesn’t effect any people, why do i have to beg people to love me, why the only love i can get is from my own mind, what’s wrong with me

    #387368
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Giving up to the idea of fate, luck, chance whatever you want to call it is my kryptonite.

    For me its like giving up my mind, the most thing i value, the control i think i have.

     

    I think i understand your replay now, more then ever, it makes sense

     

    I think that is true but is a something that you can’t ‘will’ into being , one can allow it

    But where does it come from? How its gonna appear? How can i allow it?

     

    Like you I desire to have all the info before making a choice

    I have this doubt that makes it impossible to know something for sure, even if i got all the possible info, there would be still some missing info, some gusses, and depending on luck and randomness, i can’t have that, i don’t trust that, i started to feel that whatever choice im gonna make, its gonna be just as disappointing as picking it randomly.

     

    Shame for being a something that is wrong more then shame for having done something wrong

    I thought the definition of shame is that you are the wrong and not the action you did, the latter would be gulit.

     

    I guess I still have a kind of hope. Hope that the “third force”

    Did it happen yet? Did the third force got any closer? For me i can’t do that, i can relay on hope, it feels like im lying to myself, something i despise.

     

    That the conciseness of which you experience your problems can’t be the same conciseness that solves it

    But this is the only conciseness i have, “all i know, is what i know”

     

    Zen concept of doing by not doing, the act of will which evolves the letting go of ‘will’

    I don’t think i ever can surrounder the idea that i don’t have control over my life, it means i will betray myself

     

    I have this problem, anything that doesn’t follow my beliefs and thoughts is betraying myself, i can’t do something i think is useless, i can’t talk to people while thinking its a waste of time, or i will hate myself.

     

    we work for that which no work is required….
    This is not Passive but a Active engagement that does not ‘hold on’, that lets go of “itself”, its outcomes….creating space…

    I don’t think i will ever understand what this truely mean, i will always use my bais mind to understand this, to take it as an excuse to do the bare minimum, to surrounder on life, not do anything to fix anything, just live.

     

    It takes a healthy ego to let go of ego and engage

    Wouldn’t i need the latter to allow me have the first? How can i have healthy ego?

     

    Actually Joe is the kind of Guy that panic’s when a choices is required

    How can you make a choice, when you know the consequences of both choices, when you know the unnecessary suffering both might have, when you know your decision is effected by your mood and feelings of that moment, that you might have chosen differently if you had a different day, or ate a good breakfast

    #387342
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I didn’t mean to argue, it just frustrat me when you say things about me that is wrong.

     

    though you’d need to do it from a different mindset.

    How do i do that? Im not gonna argue anymore, im just gonna listen, i feel like sh*t teak, i don’t know what to do, i hate life so much

    #387339
    Murtaza
    Participant

    There are days when I think similar things you expressed in your post and fall into indifference

    I once asked myself, what would life with no apathy would look like? Maybe not so different from now, maybe completely different, i might never know

     

    Not giving advice

    Its alright if you do, i don’t mind anymore.

     

    Reading the rest of your replay, i didn’t understand it, all i saw were words next to each other, this is my main problem when i tried to read books, unless its a stroy or a normal talk book, i don’t process it, i tried to read very carefully, but no matter how much i repeat it i still end with the same result.

     

    I think the main reason is that i just don’t care to process the words, i don’t do anything that a bit demanding to my mind, i get really tired if i do, and see no point.

     

    You remember that scene from no country for old men at the oil store when he told him to call it?

     

    The other day i just watched this scene, but i understood it more, im starting to think that i should do the same with my decisions, just call it, and let the luck decide, luck been deciding for my whole life, i hate luck, because its not in my control, i like to choose my decisions, but this seems like an illusion, it seems that when i face to options, i will probably choose one with comfortable outcome, maybe this is my problem, following my own fuc*ed up mind, i hate the idea that luck and randomness decided for me, on who i am and what i want and need, what my dreams, so i always dismissed such desires/needs/dreams, because “I” didn’t choose them, but i didn’t choose this desire to wanting control too, i didn’t choose to have this idea either, just another luck/randomness act,

     

    Nowdays when i face with two decision, i just don’t choose, because i don’t have the enough information to choose, and thanks to apathy i don’t learn such information, i just ignore the whole decision, but then when im forced i go to the least painful one, surprising that this decision wasn’t the least painful one, gulit over taking this decision, i feel if i rewind the time and choose the other decision, i would still feel gulit.

     

    Why not go all the way and be true to myself and let luck/randomness decide just like he has been all my life?

     

    “You’ve been calling it your whole life, you just didn’t know it”

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Murtaza.
    #387260
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You don’t need to give up trying to connect with people,

    Yes i do, im clearly not gonna pay the fee so i might as well not try to get something thats not supposed to be free.

     

    You misunderstand my post, i didn’t come “back”, i was never in in the first place, i have no place here.

     

    I do feel the apology is needed, because i came in a place that offer a certain thing, and i asked for something else, then i was rude about when i received the first.

     

    On our first conversation, you said: “it turns out i don’t know you after all”

     

    You still don’t.

     

     

     

    #385919
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hi felix

     

    i’m also trying to let go of the ‘regrets’ completely…. It’s really hard,

    No its not hard, its impossible.

     

    You will do more bad things once again, and regret them deeply as you do now for your past, regret will stay and things will change, unless you deal with it, not by removing it ofcourse.

     

    What you want to do, is accept it as a part of being you, accept what you did back then, ask yourself (if i had the same mind the same everything, wouldn’t i do the same things? Feel the same things? And end up in the same position right now?) It is true, if you get back to one moment of your life, with the same mindset and feelings of that moment, there is a small chance that you do different thing, a very small and random.

     

    What you need to do is, believe that the past is the past, and it doesn’t define you, nor does it matter to you, because it doesn’t exist, only in your mind, worring about it, thinking about it, only waste your time and effort, unless you think about it to improve on it (which believe me it will happen automatically without requiring you to worry or think)

    Most of what you said, is about the past, it occupy your mind, it bothers you, it means it got you, you have to turn the table around, when this “bothering” come, you would know how to deal with it, and not giving up to it.

     

    i feel like i’m better than most of my peers

    You have high expectations for yourself, too high that you probably won’t be able to meet them. Here is the proof:

     

    i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

    Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things

    I really hope you do these things because you actually enjoy them and not because they give you a sense of worth, or to meet your high expectations, you shouldn’t be motivated by fear, fearing not doing enough.

     

     

    I need to be good at many things?

     

    You don’t need to be anything you don’t wanna be, you don’t need to be something or do something, remove need, and add want, what do you WANT to do? What do you like to do?

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #385917
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Its funny that you think escapism isn’t a part of life is well, anything can be called escapism, if its drowing or writing or watching a movie, the only difference is wether you like this escapism or just a slave to it. Do you enjoy it? Or you just do it? That’s the question.

     

    In case of porn, we are sexual beings, we want sex, when we don’t have it, we lower out standards and go for the less real yet pleasurable thing, it may be in addiction for you if you, if you use it for other things, such as treat your stress and anxiety, which can be said to anything really, not just porn, its not generation problem, its human problem, only before we didn’t get the chance to escape with those, im sure people did the same things, turned to alcohol, or writing, etc.

     

    It doesn’t matter what you do, its why you do it.

    #385862
    Murtaza
    Participant

    To add a few things, repeat what already people said to you.

     

    i feel like the issue might lie with me and how I deal with my relationships and other people’s emotions

    It is.

     

    These people have mental health issues but aren’t doing anything to help themselves

    You aren’t responsible for thier life, nor feelings and actions, if they get mad at you for not taking them to the concert, its thier problem, not yours

     

    What you need to do is to believe that you are independent person and are not responsible for other feelings and thoughts, you should be able do whatever you want to do, without thinking “what if this person didn’t like that?” This takes practice, but if you do it, be aware when this happened and imply it everytime, you will endup with this believe, it is a long process, and don’t worry there is no failure.

     

    Right now if you can’t cut those people off, accept them, deal with them, set boundaries, and show it to them, if they didn’t respect it, you can also deal with that, you know how best, but it must be you being satisfied.

     

     

     

    #385732
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear datslyfe, your replay not only bothers me but its a lie.

     

    Life isn’t precious, having one life doesn’t mean it is precious, it only means if you die what you did in that life will go to waste, you won’t be to remember or to feel proud, this is not my point of view, this is nearly a fact.

     

    Its been ages and i still have the same thought, suicide is better, but i don’t do it, sadly.

     

    Your advice is not something you thought of, its just something that has been told to you, fed to you, you never doubt it, you just followed.

     

     

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