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Murtaza

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  • #387370
    Murtaza
    Participant

    about a guy who wonders what would have happened had he made a different choice at his graduation. The choice was a minor one

    I think that its impossible to choose other things if we ever rewind time, with the same thought pattern/the same atoms of that event, the same everything, we would choose the same thing

     

    I think its only possible if we changed the things that made him do the action, or chance. Chance that at this moment and time something werid happen to him, a person or a thought entered his mind and changed his decision, its a rare possibility, but still possible.

    #387369
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You’ve asked me that several times before, and every time I tried to give you an answer, you said it was “bullshit” and that it’s not applicable to you

    Can’t i just have a little bit without going the whole journey? Can’t i just feel good for a while without changing and betraying my whole life and self?

     

    If you still feel the same about the things I’ve said

    I do, i believe that healing is bullshit for me, i don’t know how to change that without first seeing that it isn’t, a proof, every experience of mine is against it.

     

    There is no hope is there? I just don’t understand why this stops me for having love, my beliefs doesn’t effect any people, why do i have to beg people to love me, why the only love i can get is from my own mind, what’s wrong with me

    #387368
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Giving up to the idea of fate, luck, chance whatever you want to call it is my kryptonite.

    For me its like giving up my mind, the most thing i value, the control i think i have.

     

    I think i understand your replay now, more then ever, it makes sense

     

    I think that is true but is a something that you can’t ‘will’ into being , one can allow it

    But where does it come from? How its gonna appear? How can i allow it?

     

    Like you I desire to have all the info before making a choice

    I have this doubt that makes it impossible to know something for sure, even if i got all the possible info, there would be still some missing info, some gusses, and depending on luck and randomness, i can’t have that, i don’t trust that, i started to feel that whatever choice im gonna make, its gonna be just as disappointing as picking it randomly.

     

    Shame for being a something that is wrong more then shame for having done something wrong

    I thought the definition of shame is that you are the wrong and not the action you did, the latter would be gulit.

     

    I guess I still have a kind of hope. Hope that the “third force”

    Did it happen yet? Did the third force got any closer? For me i can’t do that, i can relay on hope, it feels like im lying to myself, something i despise.

     

    That the conciseness of which you experience your problems can’t be the same conciseness that solves it

    But this is the only conciseness i have, “all i know, is what i know”

     

    Zen concept of doing by not doing, the act of will which evolves the letting go of ‘will’

    I don’t think i ever can surrounder the idea that i don’t have control over my life, it means i will betray myself

     

    I have this problem, anything that doesn’t follow my beliefs and thoughts is betraying myself, i can’t do something i think is useless, i can’t talk to people while thinking its a waste of time, or i will hate myself.

     

    we work for that which no work is required….
    This is not Passive but a Active engagement that does not ‘hold on’, that lets go of “itself”, its outcomes….creating space…

    I don’t think i will ever understand what this truely mean, i will always use my bais mind to understand this, to take it as an excuse to do the bare minimum, to surrounder on life, not do anything to fix anything, just live.

     

    It takes a healthy ego to let go of ego and engage

    Wouldn’t i need the latter to allow me have the first? How can i have healthy ego?

     

    Actually Joe is the kind of Guy that panic’s when a choices is required

    How can you make a choice, when you know the consequences of both choices, when you know the unnecessary suffering both might have, when you know your decision is effected by your mood and feelings of that moment, that you might have chosen differently if you had a different day, or ate a good breakfast

    #387342
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I didn’t mean to argue, it just frustrat me when you say things about me that is wrong.

     

    though you’d need to do it from a different mindset.

    How do i do that? Im not gonna argue anymore, im just gonna listen, i feel like sh*t teak, i don’t know what to do, i hate life so much

    #387339
    Murtaza
    Participant

    There are days when I think similar things you expressed in your post and fall into indifference

    I once asked myself, what would life with no apathy would look like? Maybe not so different from now, maybe completely different, i might never know

     

    Not giving advice

    Its alright if you do, i don’t mind anymore.

     

    Reading the rest of your replay, i didn’t understand it, all i saw were words next to each other, this is my main problem when i tried to read books, unless its a stroy or a normal talk book, i don’t process it, i tried to read very carefully, but no matter how much i repeat it i still end with the same result.

     

    I think the main reason is that i just don’t care to process the words, i don’t do anything that a bit demanding to my mind, i get really tired if i do, and see no point.

     

    You remember that scene from no country for old men at the oil store when he told him to call it?

     

    The other day i just watched this scene, but i understood it more, im starting to think that i should do the same with my decisions, just call it, and let the luck decide, luck been deciding for my whole life, i hate luck, because its not in my control, i like to choose my decisions, but this seems like an illusion, it seems that when i face to options, i will probably choose one with comfortable outcome, maybe this is my problem, following my own fuc*ed up mind, i hate the idea that luck and randomness decided for me, on who i am and what i want and need, what my dreams, so i always dismissed such desires/needs/dreams, because “I” didn’t choose them, but i didn’t choose this desire to wanting control too, i didn’t choose to have this idea either, just another luck/randomness act,

     

    Nowdays when i face with two decision, i just don’t choose, because i don’t have the enough information to choose, and thanks to apathy i don’t learn such information, i just ignore the whole decision, but then when im forced i go to the least painful one, surprising that this decision wasn’t the least painful one, gulit over taking this decision, i feel if i rewind the time and choose the other decision, i would still feel gulit.

     

    Why not go all the way and be true to myself and let luck/randomness decide just like he has been all my life?

     

    “You’ve been calling it your whole life, you just didn’t know it”

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 3 hours ago by Murtaza.
    #387260
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You don’t need to give up trying to connect with people,

    Yes i do, im clearly not gonna pay the fee so i might as well not try to get something thats not supposed to be free.

     

    You misunderstand my post, i didn’t come “back”, i was never in in the first place, i have no place here.

     

    I do feel the apology is needed, because i came in a place that offer a certain thing, and i asked for something else, then i was rude about when i received the first.

     

    On our first conversation, you said: “it turns out i don’t know you after all”

     

    You still don’t.

     

     

     

    #385919
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hi felix

     

    i’m also trying to let go of the ‘regrets’ completely…. It’s really hard,

    No its not hard, its impossible.

     

    You will do more bad things once again, and regret them deeply as you do now for your past, regret will stay and things will change, unless you deal with it, not by removing it ofcourse.

     

    What you want to do, is accept it as a part of being you, accept what you did back then, ask yourself (if i had the same mind the same everything, wouldn’t i do the same things? Feel the same things? And end up in the same position right now?) It is true, if you get back to one moment of your life, with the same mindset and feelings of that moment, there is a small chance that you do different thing, a very small and random.

     

    What you need to do is, believe that the past is the past, and it doesn’t define you, nor does it matter to you, because it doesn’t exist, only in your mind, worring about it, thinking about it, only waste your time and effort, unless you think about it to improve on it (which believe me it will happen automatically without requiring you to worry or think)

    Most of what you said, is about the past, it occupy your mind, it bothers you, it means it got you, you have to turn the table around, when this “bothering” come, you would know how to deal with it, and not giving up to it.

     

    i feel like i’m better than most of my peers

    You have high expectations for yourself, too high that you probably won’t be able to meet them. Here is the proof:

     

    i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

    Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things

    I really hope you do these things because you actually enjoy them and not because they give you a sense of worth, or to meet your high expectations, you shouldn’t be motivated by fear, fearing not doing enough.

     

     

    I need to be good at many things?

     

    You don’t need to be anything you don’t wanna be, you don’t need to be something or do something, remove need, and add want, what do you WANT to do? What do you like to do?

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #385917
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Its funny that you think escapism isn’t a part of life is well, anything can be called escapism, if its drowing or writing or watching a movie, the only difference is wether you like this escapism or just a slave to it. Do you enjoy it? Or you just do it? That’s the question.

     

    In case of porn, we are sexual beings, we want sex, when we don’t have it, we lower out standards and go for the less real yet pleasurable thing, it may be in addiction for you if you, if you use it for other things, such as treat your stress and anxiety, which can be said to anything really, not just porn, its not generation problem, its human problem, only before we didn’t get the chance to escape with those, im sure people did the same things, turned to alcohol, or writing, etc.

     

    It doesn’t matter what you do, its why you do it.

    #385862
    Murtaza
    Participant

    To add a few things, repeat what already people said to you.

     

    i feel like the issue might lie with me and how I deal with my relationships and other people’s emotions

    It is.

     

    These people have mental health issues but aren’t doing anything to help themselves

    You aren’t responsible for thier life, nor feelings and actions, if they get mad at you for not taking them to the concert, its thier problem, not yours

     

    What you need to do is to believe that you are independent person and are not responsible for other feelings and thoughts, you should be able do whatever you want to do, without thinking “what if this person didn’t like that?” This takes practice, but if you do it, be aware when this happened and imply it everytime, you will endup with this believe, it is a long process, and don’t worry there is no failure.

     

    Right now if you can’t cut those people off, accept them, deal with them, set boundaries, and show it to them, if they didn’t respect it, you can also deal with that, you know how best, but it must be you being satisfied.

     

     

     

    #385732
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear datslyfe, your replay not only bothers me but its a lie.

     

    Life isn’t precious, having one life doesn’t mean it is precious, it only means if you die what you did in that life will go to waste, you won’t be to remember or to feel proud, this is not my point of view, this is nearly a fact.

     

    Its been ages and i still have the same thought, suicide is better, but i don’t do it, sadly.

     

    Your advice is not something you thought of, its just something that has been told to you, fed to you, you never doubt it, you just followed.

     

     

    #385318
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hello Javier, i read your most recent post, from what im seeing, from this post only, it seems that you have a desire for something > you don’t fulfill it> you get depressed and say whats the point?> you blame yourself,  adding fuel to the fire (im not blaming here, im just stating what i understood)

     

    “My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child”

     

    Maybe, but i say it doesn’t matter where it came from, the desire won’t change, unless you are curious about the reason, the thing is, all you can know is speculation, if it was from a therapist or yourself, the past, is merely a creation of your mind, you simply can’t capture the full truth, so why bother? I see the efficient way is to work with the current desires, only if you wanna change them, you should dig the reason (if its inside your control, by changing the reason you might be able to change the desire)

     

    “I know this doesn’t make sense”

     

    It make sense, i think i understand.

     

    but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal

    So even if you fulfill the desire and do exactly what your “inner child” want?

     

    The older I get, the more painful are the longings. I’m scared of living, scared of the passage of time

    From my observation, it seems that the longer ones lives with unmet desire, the less care the person gets about such desire.

     

    They say that the most feared things is death and the unknown, funny they never mention how scary life can be.

     

    I’m fading and my memories are fading

    I understand, though don’t worry about memories, memories shouldn’t be the main motivation we do things, we should do things because we enjoy them, memories is the extra things, maybe you have them, maybe you don’t, why worry about something so outside of your control?

     

    The distance between myself and my “good old days” and positive memories are increasing with every year that goes by

    The good old days that you remember had bad days in between, one thing about remembering is we make it all sound good, when in reality it was mediocre, we can’t capture the true feeling of the past, thus we create a new version of it, a better one because the present is too painful, and then we get twice as sad, because we had “good days”.

     

    The more time passes, the more self-hate, regrets and anger I feel

    I wish i could help you Javier, words just isn’t enough, i feel even in reality there would be little to offer.

     

    Maybe the thing that causing anger/regret/self hatred, is a thought, a changable thought, something like “its my falut i don’t have what i need” im not saying to dismiss such thought, just think, “is this Objectively true?”, i will give you an example to help you with this thought.

     

    Person X, had childhood+teenage+adult life+genes, they shaped his life, the result of him, the result sadly was not as expected, the result were bad, now person X blames himself for the result, regret the result, make the result personal, as if the result is him, not something happen to him, one thing though, he blames himself also because of those factors, i believe if i change few things in X  life, and he had the same result, he would feel differently, think differently, and maybe not feeling guilt and shame so much.

     

    Its ok to not satisfy your need, its ok to not do anything, its ok to be “dead”, if you can’t fix a problem, maybe you should accept it…

     

     

     

     

    #385078
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear Peter, you just quoted one of my favorite movies, by one of my favorite director, and one of my favorite writer.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>One of the reasons why I love the coian Brothers, is the big lebowski, a movie about unemployed man, in a time where the hustle culture and doing productive things were the highest value.</p>
     

    A similar theme to my life, iraq right now is like the US back in thier 50-70s.

     

    #384999
    Murtaza
    Participant

    no one get good in the first time, i suggest you expect being terrible, and that you do it anyway, because “i love writing” 

     

    Being terrible shouldn’t discourag you because you don’t do it because you good, you do it because you love it, right?

    #384957
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Goodbye teak, i really liked our conversation, at the end of it, in the few last post, i almost felt like you understood me, almost.

     

    Guess i was right, again, sadly.

     

    Thank you Teak, you are a very kind person, and im glad i had this conversation.

    #384942
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Justified if the ‘world’ spends that much time focused on a single person.

    Ok, its not justified, i still feel anger because of those facts, that i wanted help so much but there wasn’t anyone around, that i tried to suicide so many times, and no one cared, even my own family knows im suicidal, that my own “therapist” didn’t even answer me when i asked her for help when i tried to suicide, I BEGGED HER for help, couldn’t be more humiliating.

     

    Even if i wanted to not be angry, i will be anyway.

     

    A person could read something like that and become angry, disappointed or free

    Yes, a person that has been told a lie “you are important” then he would be either sad or angry, i never was important.

     

    A world set only for the majority of the people?

    A similar theme is when a person in a tribe would be little different, would develop some ideas that the tribe doesn’t agree on, they would immediately abonded him, the normal thing that the person would be angry at the tribe, don’t you think?

     

    At the end, they left him, to live by his own, with no help nor mercy, though sometimes he would meet some of the people in the tribe, and they start telling him what he should do, what the tribe teach them to do, and how he can live happier.

     

    Interesting how you define a lie

    When he was in the tribe, they told him to do this and that, he tried but they didn’t work, they blamed him, for not believing in the things they mentioned, for not trying too hard, you see, if they don’t work for you, its your fault, when they told him, they promised him of things, he wasted time and effort while didn’t see those things, isn’t that a lie? To premise of a reward when there isn’t one?

     

    wonder how many people feel like that and suspect they are not in the  majority?

    Most people (my observation) surrounder to the need to be accepted and liked and belonged, over thier different ideas and beliefs, over the truth.

     

    If someone tells you about something that works for them but you discover doesn’t for you… its a lie?

    Ok, teak doesn’t only tell me to go to therapy, she thinks 100% that is the good thing for me and that i should do it, she not only think that, she promise of “healing”, promise of a better life, happiness, imagine going all that trouble just to see that it didn’t work, how fool im gonna be? This isn’t new, i had this for so long and so many times

     

    If you think that im very convinced of my life choices and beliefs, you should’ve seen me before, i would do anything anyone would say, without proof, just to not feel gulity, just to prove them wrong, waste my time and effort for a person that said something, so many years wasted.

     

    I walked for 2 years, and they promised of things, they promised of better life, all i got was physical relaxation, i wasted 3 years in religion, doing everything by the book, every detail, every advice, and still felt miserable, 2 years on nofap, 1 year on “therapeutic” bullshit youtube videos

     

    Its just a matter of time, when i surrounder to the next person thought and actually try what they suggest, and make a fool of myself, im almost convinced by teak, but when i re think, when i re validate myself, i know she is wrong, but i got this tiny little voice in my head that tells me “what if she is right?” That made my life so much miserable in the past, “what if antidepressants were good?” and got through hell because of them, worst days on my shitty life because of them, and i continued anyway because “what if they are good?” Followd the rules “you need at least 1 month for full effect” then it was “3 months for the real effects” then “6 momths or a year for it to not experience the symptoms again” they promised me of no longer having the symptoms after enduring this shit for a year, doctors offline, and people experience and articles (online).

     

    I’ve never liked that word ‘Justification’ to be justified… its almost always followed by someone doing something horrible

    Very well said.

     

    Perhaps you notice how the denial is so often the preface to the justification.” ― Christopher Hitchens

    Hitchnes is one of the few people that i let influence me.

     

    Sorry still board

    Its alright, i liked that you replaied.

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