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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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  • #385274
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous post*

     

    I think the regret i felt on my uni days because of that “girl” who separated from me a month ago, as she said to me it’s due to her wanting to focus on her uni.

    I feel like i should’ve that kind of mindset back in my early uni days…. I cant believe my priority is her back then…. I didnt try being in a part of a club/organisation on uni, only barely passed on most on my uni course, i also hangout mostly with students who dont really care about uni grades… what they aim is only to finish their bachelor…

    I should’ve created my own goals that time and not prioritizing dating…

    But back then i havent know this website yet, part of the reason that i can focus on myself right now is due to several advices i get in this website….

    I dont even understand myself back then, that i’m a person who needs to feel a sense of accomplishment to feel better, like what i‘m doing right now (learning chinese, working out). If i have achieve those two on my uni days, i’ll definitely feel some accomplishment right now… and i can focus on learning other things….

    i used to think that me having a lot of friends will give me joy in life…, you could say i’m really affected by my peers back then…

    But now i realize, that life is about learning everyday….. my principle right now is that i’m a person who needs to learn something everyday… so that i can be a more useful and improve my quality as a person.

     

    #385320
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I wanna take masters because i wanna feel an accomplishment for myself as there are only few who took masters… and also as an opportunity to live away alone for a few years…

    I still wanna live away alone, and finally yesterday I asked my parents if i can go to china for language learning and they agree with it, because chinese (mandarin) language will be relevant for our business…

    Cool! I think it’s a very good decision that you’ll be living away from your parents for a while, become more independent, perhaps learn to cook 🙂 (you said you want to). Perhaps you can even take some part-time jobs if your schedule at the language school allows it?

    I feel so delighted that i can explore new places later on… and i can meet new people there… although the language course is only 2 years… and then i’ll go back to my home country and help my family’s business again…

    I am glad you feel good about it. 2 years is quite a lot of time, you have a chance to learn a lot, not just the language, but everything else, which will give you that sense of accomplishment that you want and need.

    I should’ve created my own goals that time and not prioritizing dating…

    Well, you’re doing it now (you know what they say – better later than never 🙂 ) This is your new goal, it seems to me,  and it’s excellent:

    But now i realize, that life is about learning everyday….. my principle right now is that i’m a person who needs to learn something everyday… so that i can be a more useful and improve my quality as a person.

    It’s a great goal. You have more clarity about yourself now. You know what you need to feel better about yourself. Working out, learning Chinese and living on your own for a while – this will all help you feel better and happier about yourself. So you’re on the right path, Felix.

    You may still have regrets (that’s your inner saboteur who’d like to take you away from your goals), but now you already have enough awareness not to take him too seriously. You also have another, positive voice in you, who keeps you moving forward. And that’s a great success. In fact, already that in itself is a big achievement!

    I want to congratulate you, Felix, you’re doing a great job, and I am proud of you!

     

    #385349
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for ur reply,

     

    “Perhaps you can even take some part-time jobs if your schedule at the language school allows it?“

    = Yep, i’ll see if my schedule allows me to do part-time jobs, if it allows me… i’ll take that opportunity for my experience….

    “Well, you’re doing it now (you know what they say – better later than never 🙂 )“

    = I still wished i knew it before i was 22….but everyone has their own pace right?

    Like how people around my age now who’s a fresh graduate, are busy finding jobs/internship for their career…. but i’m not looking for one at all… whereas i’m aiming to learn another language…. This doesn’t mean i’m left behind right? As my choice is different than most people around my age…..

    I always have this issue to follow what ‘most’ people do, so that i wont be different than them.

     

     

    “You may still have regrets (that’s your inner saboteur who’d like to take you away from your goals), but now you already have enough awareness not to take him too seriously.“

    = Yes i can now differentiate my internal saboteur and the positive voice inside me, but i’m also trying to let go of the ‘regrets’ completely…. It’s really hard, regrets like: posting embarrassing pics on social media, how i used to prioritizing dating, etc….. although i can control it better now, but sometimes it’s annoying.. the ‘regret’ pops-out out of nowhere and it triggers temporary anxiety for me.

    But yeah… i’ll try to not take him too seriously (i hope i can do it, as i know my self confidence is still weak but i’m trying to improve it everyday by learning anything).

     

    “I want to congratulate you, Felix, you’re doing a great job, and I am proud of you!“

    = Thank you TeaK! I’m able to control my emotions better and also starting to know what should be my goal right now…. It’s all thanks to your advice….

    What a journey of emotions it has been for me, i really have a hard time since the beginning of this year.. and i’m happy that i’m feeling better right now….

    #385353
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous post*

    I just hope that my plan to go to china for language learning will really happen…. If suddenly the plan didnt work out i’ll be so disappointed, and my anxiety will go wild again…. as it’s still controllable now.

    #385374
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I still wished i knew it before i was 22….but everyone has their own pace right?

    Absolutely. When I was 22, I too felt like a child and wasn’t sure about what I want to do with my life. I also followed what everybody else around me was doing, because I didn’t know what it is that I want to do. It took me many years to sort of find myself and my preferences, and not live according to what is expected of me.

    There are many people who aren’t sure of what they are good at, who have been living someone else’s life… you’re not the only one. I think everybody who has some childhood trauma and grew up with lots of insecurities is like that. And many who seem determined right now might get disillusioned and crash later. For some it might happen decades later, in their midlife crisis, when they start questioning their lives, looking for meaning etc.

    You’re by far not an exception, and in fact, it’s great that you’re going through this self-discovery phase pretty early on in life, at 22. You’re very much on time, Felix, so trust me when I say that you haven’t missed anything and you aren’t late for anything. In fact, you’re doing it earlier than many of your colleagues will.

    Thank you TeaK! I’m able to control my emotions better and also starting to know what should be my goal right now…. It’s all thanks to your advice….

    You’re welcome, Felix, glad I could help.

    I just hope that my plan to go to china for language learning will really happen…. If suddenly the plan didnt work out i’ll be so disappointed, and my anxiety will go wild again…. as it’s still controllable now.

    I too hope it will materialize. Please know that this trip to China represents more than just language learning. It represents also you becoming more independent from your parents, learning to live on your own, find your own way…  So if this concrete plan for traveling to China wouldn’t materialize due to some objective reasons, please don’t give up on your plan to become more independent. Don’t allow your parents to convince you to stay in the status-quo, living with them, protected from all challenges, but also protected from growth.

    Stand up for yourself, give yourself a chance. If not in China via language learning, then in some other way. I know that right now it’s difficult because of covid, but it will get better, so don’t give up on your plan and your desire.

     

    #385390
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “You’re by far not an exception, and in fact, it’s great that you’re going through this self-discovery phase pretty early on in life, at 22. You’re very much on time, Felix, so trust me when I say that you haven’t missed anything and you aren’t late for anything. In fact, you’re doing it earlier than many of your colleagues will.“

     

    “I know that right now it’s difficult because of covid, but it will get better, so don’t give up on your plan and your desire.“

     

    = Actually after a year in my uni days, my uni duration is 3 years…. It was in 2018, i can go abroad that time as i’ve just finished my diploma…. So my uni is 1 year diploma and 2 years of degree…. My uni is located only 45 mins by boat from my city…

    I even discussed with my parents that time, i was only 19 back then…. And they even consider it…. At that time i plan to study abroad to japan… but if i go to japan, i’ll have to study their language first before taking a degree there….
    I feel worried back then, as if i go to japan… most of my friends/peers are gonna graduate earlier than me…. And i dont wanna be left out…. Then i chose to continue my degree in that city…. So i’m going to graduate at the same time with my peers. It was a really bad decision…. I was really affected by my peers…

    My self confidence at that time was extremely low too…. I feel afraid to live alone that time…

    How i wished that i have no friends in that period… so i wont get affected and know what i want…. And I was also blinded by love with that “girl”….. I wish i separated with her sooner…. It was a really waste of time….

    I feel like i cant forgive my peers, it’s been lots of days since i talk to any of my friends….

    I know that you’ve told me that it’s great that i’m going through this self-discovery pretty early at 22…. I just wanna share this regret as it still feels sad, because i didnt took a good opportunity back then…

     

    I shouldn’t have stick to the rules right? Like general people usually graduate bachelor at 21-22, starting their first job before 24…..

    e.g. Even if i never had my first job and still wanna experience my study life/pursuing my studies at 24, it’s still fine right? (i just wanna make myself more assured with my mindset 😂). I really wanna convince myself with a strong mentality, because all this time i really have a weak mentality that i’m easily swayed by other people’s opinion.

     

    I really really really hope that starting today, i can live on my life the way i wanted…. So i wont have to experience any more regrets…

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Felix.
    #385542
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous post*

    I know i’ve said that i’m thankful that i can see life in a better picture than before…. And also you’ve advised me not to beat myself up due to regret.

    I always feel like it’s unforgivable, i can’t repeat my teen days anymore…. I shouldn’t have wasted my days on that girl, i hangout with the wrong group of people, i even feel like i took the wrong degree….i feel no accomplishment with my degree at all.

    But tbh at that period, i haven’t found this website yet… also i’m still so blinded with that girl…. Why can’t everything happen sooner?

    Now i curse everybody who took part in my decision on choosing the wrong degree, also to anyone who used to support me with that girl….
    I think it’s better being a lone wolf, as i wont get affected… because the more i get close to someone, the more i’ll get affected in choosing my decisions.

    Also i’m so insecure back then, i even feel afraid to communicate with new people…. Why do i have to be like that, why can’t i mature sooner?

    It’s also due to my parents, when i’m at the age to enter uni… my uni location was already decided by them, it was only 45 mins away from our city… i dont feel joy on the first day of my uni because i want to go abroad… but i’m still afraid back then to live alone… i was only 18.

    I just can’t handle regret, i don’t think this is due to the saboteur… i think this is part of my personality. I don’t know how can i stop obsessing of this regret….

    I do workouts everyday, learn chinese…. Yes i can feel satisfaction, but it can’t let go of the regret.

    #385545
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I feel worried back then, as if i go to japan… most of my friends/peers are gonna graduate earlier than me…. And i dont wanna be left out…. Then i chose to continue my degree in that city…. So i’m going to graduate at the same time with my peers. It was a really bad decision…. I was really affected by my peers…

    I feel like i cant forgive my peers, it’s been lots of days since i talk to any of my friends….

    Now i curse everybody who took part in my decision on choosing the wrong degree, also to anyone who used to support me with that girl….

    You are blaming your peers for “making”you choose a less than optimal degree, when the reality is that you decided not to go to Japan because you didn’t want to graduate later than your peers. And you were afraid to live alone back then because you were only 18 (but i’m still afraid back then to live alone… i was only 18.) So it was your decision, based on objective and subjective reasons back then. Blaming others makes no sense and won’t help you.

    We’ve already spoken about healthy and unhealthy regret, I’ve explained the difference (you can go back and re-read that). What you’re doing now is unhealthy regret, leading you nowhere. You are either blaming yourself or your peers for decisions you made long ago. Those decisions weren’t horrible or irreversible, because you’re still young and if you want a better degree, you can still get it. You haven’t done something that will impact the rest of your life – everything you desire is still within your reach. If you want to. But if you keep wasting your time on regret and hating either yourself or others, you won’t be able to move forward, you’ll be stuck. Exactly as your saboteur would want it…

    The choice is yours, Felix – do you want to be stuck or you want to go after your dreams?

     

    #385573
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “The choice is yours, Felix – do you want to be stuck or you want to go after your dreams?“

    = I do, i really do wanna get a better degree…. I apologize if i keep being repetitive with my regret. I really do want to have a self-achievement for myself by having my masters degree….because not many people took masters…. But my parents won’t let me, they feel like it’s a waste of money because in the end i’m going to work for our family’s business… i dont need to have a high degree….And also because i choose to continue their business…..

    If i took masters, the class will be conducted online…. They feel like it’s useless for me to study online…..
    Actually i dont care if it’s online or not, i just want to have that masters degree…. I can took a masters degree that is only 1 year…. Then the next year (hopefully)… the lockdown is over and i can go to china to learn chinese language for a year…. After finishing the language course then i’ll go back to my hometown.

    I can’t believe my parents arent supportive of this…. It’s not that what i’m doing is a bad thing….

    Maybe my plan above sounds weird to them… because why would someone waste money only for a masters certificate that won’t be used at all….
    How i wish i have a supportive parents who will agree with my weird demands….
    I know my demands are weird, as most people took masters so that they can apply for a better job/better learning… whereas i only want it for achievement.

    The voice in my head keeps wanting these weird demands….

    #385574
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I really do want to have a self-achievement for myself by having my masters degree….because not many people took masters….

    Earlier you said you don’t feel like learning, and I said that in that case, masters would only make sense if you could travel abroad, to serve your goal of getting more independent from your parents. If you stay at home and take online classes, it would be a waste of time and money, because the main goal (your independence) wouldn’t be achieved.

    Now you’re saying that your only motivation would be because not many people take masters. This tells me you are motivated by low self-esteem and comparing yourself with others, and you think taking the masters degree will make you feel better. Well, it won’t, and I’ve explained it on page 5. You can go back and read it.

    in the end i’m going to work for our family’s business…

    Is it your or your parents’ wish?

    I can’t believe my parents arent supportive of this…. It’s not that what i’m doing is a bad thing….

    They aren’t supportive because it doesn’t contribute to the future they have envisioned for you: to continue working for the family business. From their perspective, it’s rational. They don’t want to spend the unnecessary money for something you’ll never need – from their point of view.

    How i wish i have a supportive parents who will agree with my weird demands….

    You are 22, which means you’re not a baby any more. I keep telling you you’re young, and that’s true, but you’re not a baby. A 22-year old shouldn’t have demands on their parents. If you want something for yourself, go and get it, don’t expect your parents to provide it for you. I know it’s hard for you because you’ve been raised in a manner that your parents provided you with everything and protected you from challenges (and stifled your growth). But if you want to grow up, you’d need to reduce their influence. You cannot behave like a child with demands, and then be angry when those demands aren’t met.

    It also means that you don’t just accept everything your parents tell you – you don’t accept their vision of the future for you, but you have your own. You have your own goals and dreams, and you work on making them happen. You don’t depend on your parents to make a future for you.

     

    #385575
    TeaK
    Participant

    P.S.  I just want to add that I think your current plan of going to China for language learning is the best option at the moment, because it will give you the option of being away from home, living more independently from your parents, and exploring various possibilities for yourself. And it’s something your parents support and are willing to pay for. So I think it’s a great way to dip your toes into the independent life, and yet have the safety of your parents’ support, should you need it.

    #385892
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “Now you’re saying that your only motivation would be because not many people take masters. This tells me you are motivated by low self-esteem and comparing yourself with others, and you think taking the masters degree will make you feel better. Well, it won’t, and I’ve explained it on page 5. You can go back and read it.“

    = Yes you are right, i was motivated by low self-esteem… because i feel less with my bachelor degree…. 3 years ago before i choose my degree, i did a brainstorming session with myself to make sure that i dont take the wrong decision…. But it ended with me regretting it….
    I asked my parents if i should feel less with my degree, they said it’s fine…. even people without degrees can succeed in life….

    I think it’s because i used to succeed in my academics back when i was in primary school… i used to be a participant in a competition at my school, get good grades, i feel like i’m better than most of my peers…. But it went downhill in my high school, the subjects was too hard for me to handle and my grades dropped and i became a normal student…. Also at high school i developed my low self-esteem because my height is shorter than most of my male friends….

    I always make sure every decision i made wouldnt be regretful, but ultimately i’ll end up feeling regret… idk why…

    I want to be viewed as a person who’s good at something, i always lived my life following my peers, i had a very very low self confidence and also i’m sure most people doesn’t know what i’m good at, just a normal person without any special ability.

    This is also why i wanna distance myself from any of my friends, i dont wanna end up getting influenced by them and living my life into following them again.

    Right now i’m trying to learn to draw digitally… at least to make me good at something… i dont care anymore if what i’m drawing is cartoons, at least it’s better than following someone’s life only not to get judged.

    i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

    Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things?

     

     

    It’s the saboteur, i hate it… it keeps giving me endless list of regrets that i made in the past.

    Most of my days are ups and down, sometimes the saboteur isnt there, but whenever i feel down it’ll appear and gain control of my head.

     

    “I just want to add that I think your current plan of going to China for language learning is the best option at the moment, because it will give you the option of being away from home, living more independently from your parents, and exploring various possibilities for yourself. And it’s something your parents support and are willing to pay for. So I think it’s a great way to dip your toes into the independent life, and yet have the safety of your parents’ support, should you need it.“

    = Yeah, as i wont take my masters… i think it’s the best plan for me to explore possibilities for myself….

    I used to think that taking masters is a better achievement than language learning, do u think i’m wrong? As language learning is only a learning program whereas masters is higher than bachelor?

    #385893
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from previous post*

    My parents told me that i shouldn’t have this kind of attitude, i always feel regret whenever i saw someone who’s the same calibre as me achieved better things… i’ll think “why didn’t i succeed like him, i know i can be better than him”,”how is he better than me now”.

    My parents said if i have this kind of mindset, i can crash midway… as i changed my opinion easily….

    #385919
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Hi felix

     

    i’m also trying to let go of the ‘regrets’ completely…. It’s really hard,

    No its not hard, its impossible.

     

    You will do more bad things once again, and regret them deeply as you do now for your past, regret will stay and things will change, unless you deal with it, not by removing it ofcourse.

     

    What you want to do, is accept it as a part of being you, accept what you did back then, ask yourself (if i had the same mind the same everything, wouldn’t i do the same things? Feel the same things? And end up in the same position right now?) It is true, if you get back to one moment of your life, with the same mindset and feelings of that moment, there is a small chance that you do different thing, a very small and random.

     

    What you need to do is, believe that the past is the past, and it doesn’t define you, nor does it matter to you, because it doesn’t exist, only in your mind, worring about it, thinking about it, only waste your time and effort, unless you think about it to improve on it (which believe me it will happen automatically without requiring you to worry or think)

    Most of what you said, is about the past, it occupy your mind, it bothers you, it means it got you, you have to turn the table around, when this “bothering” come, you would know how to deal with it, and not giving up to it.

     

    i feel like i’m better than most of my peers

    You have high expectations for yourself, too high that you probably won’t be able to meet them. Here is the proof:

     

    i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

    Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things

    I really hope you do these things because you actually enjoy them and not because they give you a sense of worth, or to meet your high expectations, you shouldn’t be motivated by fear, fearing not doing enough.

     

     

    I need to be good at many things?

     

    You don’t need to be anything you don’t wanna be, you don’t need to be something or do something, remove need, and add want, what do you WANT to do? What do you like to do?

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #385985
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Right now i’m trying to learn to draw digitally… at least to make me good at something… i dont care anymore if what i’m drawing is cartoons, at least it’s better than following someone’s life only not to get judged.

    It’s good you’re learning to draw digitally, if you have interest in it. By all means, do what interests you and makes you happy, not what someone else is doing.

    i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

    Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things?

    Yes, it’s a good plan. You don’t need to be good at many things. And as I said, do it because you like it, you feel some inclination to it, not because others do it.

     

    It’s the saboteur, i hate it… it keeps giving me endless list of regrets that i made in the past.

    Most of my days are ups and down, sometimes the saboteur isnt there, but whenever i feel down it’ll appear and gain control of my head.

    Good that you are aware of it, but also be aware that it’s a voice that is not telling the truth. It’s motivated by your fear, it wants to keep you “safe” by not trying anything new, by keeping you stuck in endless thinking and obsessing that paralyzes you for any action. So be aware that the saboteur is not telling the truth. His “defense” is harming you.

    My parents told me that i shouldn’t have this kind of attitude, i always feel regret whenever i saw someone who’s the same calibre as me achieved better things… i’ll think “why didn’t i succeed like him, i know i can be better than him”,”how is he better than me now”.

    My parents said if i have this kind of mindset, i can crash midway… as i changed my opinion easily…

    They are right. They see how your regret and self-doubt is harming you. At least they aren’t judgmental. But they may use your self-doubt to “worry about you”, like they (specially your mother) worried in your childhood. In their childhood, they worried about your eating habits and your health, now they worry about your mindset. This can make it harder for you, because you see it as another reason to criticize yourself.

    So when you hear the saboteur’s voice again, try not to criticize it, try not to hate it (It’s the saboteur, i hate it). See it for what it is – a misguided defense mechanism. You can even tell him something like: “I know you are worried about me, like my parents were, and you don’t want me to make mistakes. I understand your motive. But I’ve learned some things about myself now, and I want to try new things because they will make me feel better. I am not afraid to try new things because only through trial and error can I grow. And I want to grow. I don’t want to stay stuck. So thank you for protecting me so far, but I’ve got it now. I can take it from now on. I am growing every day.”

    If you try this strategy with your saboteur, let me know how it went…

     

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