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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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  • #384499
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “My interpretation of this is that you’re hoping to gain experience and perhaps some independence from your parents, doing part-time jobs, where you’re not given baby tasks like now, but are treated like an adult. Is that correct? If that’s your goal, I think it’s a good one, and would help you a lot.“

    = Yes you’re right, i wanna experience what it feels like to live independent abroad… i believe i also can improved my individual skills e.g. cooking skills (as i live alone)…

    Although i can learn cooking skills right now, but i feel unmotivated if i learn it at home 🙂

    As for doing part-time jobs, even though that experience won’t be relevant for my parents business… at least i gain an experience of a lifetime.

    I bet that the time i finished my masters later on.. i won’t feel less anymore even though if i’m still given “easy task” when i go back… because i feel like i’ve achieved something (finishing my masters, experienced part time jobs)….

    I also can show to everyone that i can live independently abroad… i can feel confident in starting my own family in the future…

    Tbh i don’t really enjoy studying, but taking masters offers me a possibility to live independently (at least for a few years)…

    But i really can’t say much about this due to the covid situation…. I can’t predict when can i go abroad…

    If in the future i end up not taking masters abroad, and continue living my life like this….

    What should i do to feel confident of myself to start my own family in the future, so that i won’t feel less? Is it to ask my parents to give me more difficult tasks?
    I know you’ve suggest me to create an accomplishment feeling for myself (such as drawing cartoons), but i don’t think it’s as impactful as if i went abroad to live independently…

    #384500
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Yes you’re right, i wanna experience what it feels like to live independent abroad… i believe i also can improved my individual skills e.g. cooking skills (as i live alone)…

    That’s a good motivation! More independence will definitely  do you good, and it seems to me like the right path for you.

    If in the future i end up not taking masters abroad, and continue living my life like this….

    What should i do to feel confident of myself to start my own family in the future, so that i won’t feel less? Is it to ask my parents to give me more difficult tasks?

    Well, if you can’t go abroad, and you don’t really prefer studying that much either, how about moving into your own apartment and taking on a part-time job away from your parents’ company? So to stay in your home town, or your home country, but try to be as independent from your parents as possible? That way you can start practicing your cooking skills too, and in general, learn to become more independent.

    Do you think that would be possible? It can be like an experiment, perhaps for 3 or 6 months, just so you get a feel of how it is to live independently and take care of yourself.

     

    #384560
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “Well, if you can’t go abroad, and you don’t really prefer studying that much either, how about moving into your own apartment and taking on a part-time job away from your parents’ company? So to stay in your home town, or your home country, but try to be as independent from your parents as possible? That way you can start practicing your cooking skills too, and in general, learn to become more independent.

    Do you think that would be possible? It can be like an experiment, perhaps for 3 or 6 months, just so you get a feel of how it is to live independently and take care of yourself.“

    = Yes, i think it’s a good suggestion…but i dont think it’s possible, as if it’s still around within my home country.. i prefer to be at my hometown.

     

    What do u think if i took masters right now? Do u think it’ll be a waste for me, because the lessons will be conducted online… and i’ll attend the class at my room. Do u think i’m rushing myself? As my intention for masters is to use it as a possibility to live independently. But i think i can feel more useful than doing my “easy tasks” right now 🙂.

    If not masters, i also think of learning chinese language… the duration is shorter than masters which only for a year… but the class will also be conducted online.

    However, i also have a feeling that taking online class and studying in my room might be a waste of money….

     

    There’s also my friend right now who graduated on the same time as me… and she’s creating her own business right now…. I’m so confused….
    I think i’m comparing myself with each of my friends…. And i felt left behind. e.g. this friend is creating her own business, this friend is taking masters…
    Like when i saw the one who creates her own business i feel like i dont wanna lose out… i wanna help my parents business, then i saw the one who took masters… i feel like i wanna be like them… having a chance to live independently…. I’m losing my way right now…It’s so tiring, it’s like i wanna live my life perfectly 🙂

     

    #384562
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Yes, i think it’s a good suggestion…but i dont think it’s possible, as if it’s still around within my home country.. i prefer to be at my hometown.

    So can you rent an apartment in your hometown? The idea is that you gain some independence from your parents… you don’t need to live far away from them, just not in the same house with them.

    However, i also have a feeling that taking online class and studying in my room might be a waste of money….

    Yes, I don’t think it would be wise to enroll an online MBA, because it won’t do much for your independence. But in the current situation, with covid, you should be pragmatic and use the time wisely. So you can choose an online course you like, such as learning Chinese. This will give you a sense of accomplishment.

    Another thing –  do you think it’s possible to find a part time job in your town at the moment?

    I think i’m comparing myself with each of my friends…. And i felt left behind. e.g. this friend is creating her own business, this friend is taking masters…

    This is your saboteur again. You don’t want to go down that route. You are a unique individual, with your unique path, unique goals and interests… you won’t be happy living like someone else. We’ve already discussed it, and I wouldn’t like to address that kind of thinking again, because you know why it’s faulty and that it doesn’t lead you anywhere.

     

    #384573
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “Yes, I don’t think it would be wise to enroll an online MBA, because it won’t do much for your independence. But in the current situation, with covid, you should be pragmatic and use the time wisely.“

    = Yes, i think it’s due to me keep imagining if there’s no pandemic… i’d be abroad right now.

     

    “Another thing –  do you think it’s possible to find a part time job in your town at the moment?“

    = Nope it’s not possible as my city is in a lockdown state now…. My parents even told me not to go to the office until the situation is better… The covid situation is really that bad right now in my city… even the shopping malls are closed. That’s why i keep stressing, what will be of my future 🙂 if this situation keeps going like this…

    I’ve been at home for a month, only doing physical exercise… that’s why i feel like i’m wasting my time… I can’t imagine i’m doing this routine for another year….

     

    ”This is your saboteur again. You don’t want to go down that route. You are a unique individual, with your unique path, unique goals and interests… you won’t be happy living like someone else. We’ve already discussed it, and I wouldn’t like to address that kind of thinking again, because you know why it’s faulty and that it doesn’t lead you anywhere.“

    = Yeah, i’m so easily swayed whenever i saw other people’s lives…. That’s why i keep restricting myself from seeing their lives… but sometimes i accidentally saw it through social media 🙂

    Your words saying that i have a unique path, goals, and interests really calms my mind…. I dont really feel like forcing myself to earn money right now… it’s just that i dont wanna be labelled as a failure.

     

     

    Yesterday i tried to think of my parents view my life…. I think they give me easy task now is because i never have my own initiative to start something (create a business), also i think it’s due to that i still have a lot of years until i inherit the company (like i’ll marry someone before i inherit the company)

    They even have it easy in viewing my relationship life,

    My mom said to me: Why dont u try chase that girl in our company who works in the finance department… she said that i should find someone who can help me later on my finances, a wife who can support her husband in his business is really important….

    They didnt know that i have this complicated mind that i find it difficult to control….and i also wanna choose my own type of partner (although i havent found it 🙂)

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Felix.
    #384594
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous post*

    Dear TeaK,

    I dont know why suddenly i’m feeling so sad right now, i feel like i do everything wrongly all this time… took the wrong path….

    I feel like screaming…. This situation i’m experiencing right now make it seem like i really messed up….

    I never knew the pressure in one person’s life is this big…

    I shouldnt have look into someone’s linkedin profile, it creates this anxiety feeling…

    But i should also be pragmatic, my city’s current situation is a mess…

    #384598
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I dont know why suddenly i’m feeling so sad right now, i feel like i do everything wrongly all this time… took the wrong path….

    I feel like screaming…. This situation i’m experiencing right now make it seem like i really messed up….

    You got triggered.. take a few deep breaths, let the exhale be longer than the inhale, and just breathe, let the wave pass over you… Sit comfortably, feel your feet on the ground, with your spine erect, and just breathe…

    You haven’t messed up anything, you are at the perfect place, you are exactly where you need to be… you have so many opportunities ahead of you and you can choose whatever you wish. No rush. You can experiment. And even if you make a mistake, you can retract and adjust, no big deal. You are young – you can make up for anything you might have missed and create whatever future that would make you happy. You are at the perfect place and you haven’t messed up anything. So just breathe and relax…

    But i should also be pragmatic, my city’s current situation is a mess…

    Yes, try to be patient with yourself, because you may have limited options at the moment, due to covid, but it’s only temporary, it will change soon enough. Till then, create the space for opportunities in your mind, think positively, get motivated, attend online courses that spark your interest… this will contribute to your sense of independence, of becoming your own person, of making progress… even if some of the outer possibilites are limited.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #384613
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    Yesterday before i went to sleep, i did a brainstorming session with myself for a few hours only because of this…. I keep convincing my mind that it’s okay, i should just focus on doing things that make me happy and i need to stop pressuring myself…

    Every time i go through a new phase of life, i tend to feel worried of taking the wrong decisions.. e.g. from high school to uni, uni to work life…. I bet that when i enter the phase of marriage, this kind of feeling will show up again…
    I keep worrying about taking the wrong decisions and didn’t realize i’ve been doing no action, but only wasting my time by thinking a lot….

    No wonder i’m an introvert, i think it’s partly because i’m afraid of making mistakes and messed up… especially when i meet new people, i think it’s better to talk less rather than making mistakes.

     

     

    As for this part:

    “Goofy pictures are fun, you don’t need to feel embarrassed at all! Actually it tells others you are cool and relaxed because you don’t mind posting a funny picture of yourself. So rest assured, it’s totally harmless and seen either as positive or neutral. You have nothing to worry about.“

    = Even if i look like a “freak” in that pic it’s still harmless?

    I keep thinking that most people are afraid it they look a “little fat” in pics, how can i not be afraid if i look like a “freak” (it’s a pic of me doing silly pose, and i stick my tongue out with a weird expression… and they zoomed the pic of my face, there’s nothing attractive in that pic)

    Tbh recently i distance myself with those 2 friend of mine who posted that “freak” pic of me (although they don’t have bad intention in posting that pic that time).

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Felix.
    #384625
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Yesterday before i went to sleep, i did a brainstorming session with myself for a few hours only because of this…. I keep convincing my mind that it’s okay, i should just focus on doing things that make me happy and i need to stop pressuring myself…

    That’s good, always keep that in mind when you start thinking that you’ve messed up or taken a wrong path.

    Every time i go through a new phase of life, i tend to feel worried of taking the wrong decisions.. e.g. from high school to uni, uni to work life…. I bet that when i enter the phase of marriage, this kind of feeling will show up again…

    One reason why decision making feels so scary for you is because you’re afraid of making a mistake, and it could be your mother that instilled in you the fear of making mistakes, because she was always worrying about you, about your health, your ability to succeed in life etc. You grew up with her constant fear, almost an expectation, that you won’t make it, that you’ll fail.

    You said: “it’s just that i dont wanna be labelled as a failure.” Your mother saw you as a potential failure since very early in life, she was worrying you wouldn’t make it. So whenever a new phase of your life commences, this fear intensifies, because what if this time you really won’t make it, what if you mother’s fears come true, what if you end up being a failure….

    You’d need to tell yourself that you are strong and capable and not a failure. So this is where a positive image of yourself is important. And also, we are allowed to make a mistake and fail, because even failing isn’t the end of the world. You fall, you shake off the dust, and you get up again…

    No wonder i’m an introvert, i think it’s partly because i’m afraid of making mistakes and messed up… especially when i meet new people, i think it’s better to talk less rather than making mistakes.

    Yes, a part of you being an introvert is the fear of embarrassment, the fear of being judged and criticized. It’s your low self-esteem. We talked about it before – one reason for your low self-esteem is exactly this worrying attitude of your mother, who was always expecting you to fail. So again, tell yourself, I am strong and capable, and I love myself even if I make mistakes. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, tell yourself positive, encouraging words, and you’ll see you’ll feel better about being in other people’s company too.

    (it’s a pic of me doing silly pose, and i stick my tongue out with a weird expression… and they zoomed the pic of my face, there’s nothing attractive in that pic)

    Even the most beautiful people look ugly and a little bit freaky when they make weird facial expressions. No one looks good in such photos. It’s a fun photo, and not something you would show to your future mother-in-law 🙂 As I said, people can only think you’re cool and relaxed if you dare to post such a photo. The photo was probably taken when you were goofing around with your friends, having a good time… Well next time, if you don’t want such photos to become public, don’t allow to have your photo taken while you’re making silly faces…. but in the meanwhile, relax, no one will judge you for it.

     

    #384922
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

    “Well next time, if you don’t want such photos to become public, don’t allow to have your photo taken while you’re making silly faces…. but in the meanwhile, relax, no one will judge you for it.“

    = So i wont be judged as a person who has a “weird” personality right, only because of that pic?

    I also wanna update about my life:

    -I’ve been continuing to do my physical exercise every evening, although sometimes i feel lazy to do it, but i still force myself to do it…. I only feel motivated on the first few days and the rest are me forcing my laziness to do workout 🙂, but i never missed a single day since i start doing exercise.

    – Every morning i still feel anxiety every time i woke up, the anxiety is unbearable as usual… although after 30 minutes-1 hour i’ll feel a bit calmer… it’s always this way every morning… I’ve been able to adapt with it, but i still prefer if i can let go of that morning anxiety completely.

    – As for the “taking masters issue”, luckily i’m able to calm my mind after overthinking on how much i messed up, i hope i wont get triggered again until the situation on my city is better.

    – Regarding my relationship life, as sometimes i feel anxious, it reminded me of that “girl” again… although i feel different towards her this time, i don’t hope for her anymore… but the hatred and jealousy towards her is still there.

    I’m thinking of trying to get close to a girl whom i get to know through social media few months ago (as i bought something from her online sales on instagram), but the thing is…. she’s taking uni in our country’s capital city… I’m pretty sure she’s gonna apply for jobs in the capital when she graduates later on….

    She’s 3 years younger than me.

    She’s still in our hometown right now, as her class are still online (due to covid situation)

    Even though she has been in uni for a year, she haven’t experienced living in the capital yet… She has been studying at home since she started her uni. She’ll graduate on 2024.

    I feel a bit of attraction towards her because she’s pretty (not that pretty but her appearance is my type), and i remember she said to me that she’s an introvert and rarely goes out… if she hangs out it’ll only be with her small group of friends… and i like conservative girls.

    Should i try getting close to her? I’ll try to initiate a conversation by buying stuffs with her again so it won’t be awkward…

    But she tends to give me late replies when i text her few months ago, she said that she’s quite busy with her uni and her business. 😂

    I also have a feeling that she has no experience in dating, just like me… so i cant really know if she’s interested in dating or not.

    I still can’t predict when she’ll go to the capital.

    Tbh it’s actually better for me to chase girls who took uni in our hometown, because most girls who took uni here will most likely work here too…but i tried searching through social media, there isnt anyone that i’m attracted to (at least by looking at their profiles and posts 🙂). The one i’m most attracted to is that girl i mentioned above.

    Although you’ve said to me before regarding the “shortage of girls in my hometown” issue is just me overthinking things… but yeah… this is what i’m feeling right now….

    I’m being cautious right now because i don’t wanna experience another heartbreak… as it’ll only exhausts my mind…

    #384953
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous post*

     

    After another brainstorming with myself, I realized that i’m a person who needs to feel accomplishment everyday to convince myself that i’m capable….

    But how can i do that, it’s not like there’s something to achieve everyday right?

    Well i can try learning languages (like chinese), but sometimes i feel lazy…. How do i get rid of this? I think it’s due to a habit of mine for feeling lazy all this time that makes it hard to get rid of… I’m a person who tends to get motivated in the beginning but will lose interest along the way…

    I even have to force myself everyday to do the exercises… it’s really hard to take over that laziness….

    I know that u have said that i have to convince myself that i’m strong and capable, but i really dont know what to do now… I never knew life after graduating will be this stressful…. I keep overthinking things and i havent make a move for myself…

    There’s so much pressure being a guy, i need to be capable and smart…. Otherwise nobody wants to be my partner, and it’ll lead into me not creating my own family which equals to failure in life….

    Also to be attractive i have to be at least “good looking”, life standards are so high it’s so unbearable 🙂

    I remember when someone ask me, “what do you do now after graduating”?

    ”I’m helping my parents business”

    ”Ahh i see”

    That’s it, the topic didnt continue after that… It’s like they see me as nothing special

     

     

    Most guys have ambitions in their life, but i dont really have one…. I think it’s due to me never faces and challenges in my life…

    With my introvert personality, i dont really like communicating with people…. Like how can i cope with working life if i’m like this, it’s already a dead end for me 🥲

    I’m like a lost kid in the middle of a large crowd, where everybody walks because they know their destination and i’m just standing there watching them move…. Why do other people are able to know what they want but i can’t?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Felix.
    #384958
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    So i wont be judged as a person who has a “weird” personality right, only because of that pic?

    no, you won’t. If you would post such pix regularly, or all the time, people might think it’s weird. But one such pic is harmless and as I said, it’s fun.

    I’ve been continuing to do my physical exercise every evening, although sometimes i feel lazy to do it, but i still force myself to do it…. I only feel motivated on the first few days and the rest are me forcing my laziness to do workout, but i never missed a single day since i start doing exercise.

    Good! Most of the people feel resistance before workout, myself included, so you’re no exception. But the question is whether the resistance will win, or the desire to make some progress will win. You can introduce some versatility into the exercises, so that you don’t feel bored. And you can gradually increase the weight, or increase the number of repetitions (of any exercise, not just weightlifting) – this will give you a sense of accomplishment. This also answers your follow-up question:

    I realized that i’m a person who needs to feel accomplishment everyday to convince myself that i’m capable…. But how can i do that, it’s not like there’s something to achieve everyday right?

    Yes, there is. Doing workout everyday and slightly increasing the performance can give you a sense of accomplishment.

    As for the “taking masters issue”, luckily i’m able to calm my mind after overthinking on how much i messed up, i hope i wont get triggered again until the situation on my city is better.

    Glad to hear that. Yeah, right now your options are limited in terms of study abroad, but as we’ve discussed before, you can still take a language course or anything that will give you a sense of accomplishment and making progress. So, workout plus learning Chinese could be the two things that you do daily, that will give you a sense of accomplishment.

    I’m like a lost kid in the middle of a large crowd, where everybody walks because they know their destination and i’m just standing there watching them move…. Why do other people are able to know what they want but i can’t?

    Some of them just follow their parents’ or society’s expectations, without questioning it. They might do it ambitiously, specially when they are young, because they want to meet those expectations. Others might be following their own dreams, maybe because they know themselves better, and also because they had more supportive parents, who saw them as capable and encouraged them to achieve things. We’ve talked about this before, I’ve explained why you might be lacking ambition and why you are afraid of failure.

    In order to grow from a kid to an adult, you’d need gradually become more and more independent of your parents. One way (1) is to build a sense of accomplishment – which you’ve started already, and you can improve it further by e.g. taking some online courses that you like. The other way (2) to become more independent is move out from your parents’ house and live alone. The third (3) is to find a part-time job when the covid situation improves. The fourth (4) is to study abroad, etc. We’ve talked about all this before.

    For now, you can’t do 2, 3, or 4, due to covid, but you can do 1. So keep doing and expanding 1, i.e. things you can do from your home.

    As for starting flirting with this new girl, I don’t think it’s a good idea, since you only know her online, and only because she sold you some stuff. She told you she is very busy with her studies and her own business, and she replied late to your messages. You can potentially try once more, to start casually chatting with her and asking some personal questions, and see if she gladly replies or she is reluctant. But the best would be to wait till covid restrictions are over, so you can meet in person too.

     

    #385043
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    I need some advice regarding my bachelor graduation which is next month, the graduation will be conducted online. I suddenly feel regret for the bachelor that i took, i took business management which most people considered as the easiest of the business majors in my campus…. I didnt think twice few years ago, as what i think is that in the end i’ll have to go back and continue my parents business… i just took the easiest path. I could’ve took economics and finance but i didnt… it’s one of the most difficult majors in my campus…. I feel regret because i know i’m smart enough to take that major…. It was 2018 back then….
    I feel so regret, most of my friends who doesnt care for their grades took that major… and most people will saw me as the same boat as them…. Because i believe some of my friends will post congratulations for me on their social media.. even my parents will post it.

    This’ll be my bachelor degree for the rest of my life… and people in my country will view me as someone lazy who gets an easy bachelor….

    This is my final degree because i decided that i“ll not take masters after discussing with my parents….

     

    Regarding this:

    “For now, you can’t do 2, 3, or 4, due to covid, but you can do 1. So keep doing and expanding 1, i.e. things you can do from your home.“

    = After discussing with parents, we decided that i  shouldnt take masters, along with the part time jobs and try living on my own… and i agree with it… we discussed for three straight days….

     

    How should i let go of the regret on taking that bachelor degree?

    And also as i wont took masters and not gonna live away from my parents… How should i focus on my achievments? Is it to take a more difficult task in the company? And continue on working out and learning languages?

     

    #385086
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I feel regret because i know i’m smart enough to take that major….

    This’ll be my bachelor degree for the rest of my life… and people in my country will view me as someone lazy who gets an easy bachelor….

    Well, if you truly believe you are smart and capable of more, and you would like a higher degree, you still have the option to go for further training, such as MBA (when the situation with covid improves).

    This is my final degree because i decided that i“ll not take masters after discussing with my parents….

    After discussing with parents, we decided that i shouldnt take masters, along with the part time jobs and try living on my own… and i agree with it… we discussed for three straight days….

    What made you change your mind regarding Masters and everything else? Is it just the current situation with covid or something else?

     

    #385191
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

    “What made you change your mind regarding Masters and everything else? Is it just the current situation with covid or something else?“

    = Because taking masters won’t be relevant for my family’s business… i’ve discussed it with my parents… because mostly uni courses are only theories…

    I wanna take masters because i wanna feel an accomplishment for myself as there are only few who took masters… and also as an opportunity to live away alone for a few years…

    I still wanna live away alone, and finally yesterday I asked my parents if i can go to china for language learning and they agree with it, because chinese (mandarin) language will be relevant for our business… and right now i’m not good at it.. although i’m taking a mandarin course in my city right now (online class).

    But i can only go to china once the lockdown and situation is better….
    So yeah it is my plan right now…

    I feel so delighted that i can explore new places later on… and i can meet new people there… although the language course is only 2 years… and then i’ll go back to my home country and help my family’s business again…

    I just hope i won’t be too old when i go there to study…

    I hope this will be a right choice for me to go and study there…. Because i can feel unease if suddenly i saw one of my friends who’s single right now (he lives in my city) suddenly has a girlfriend, and when i came back to my city later on i’m the only one left single 😂, i don’t want that.

     

    And also, idk what happened to me but i feel like i’m more of becoming a lone wolf right now… ever since i broke up with that “girl”, i dont feel like talking to any of my friends… and since it’s lockdown right now i dont feel like there’s any purpose in contacting them…. I feel like i only need to talk with my family in my house….
    What if i dont wanna contact my friends when i’m in china later on 🙂, right now tbh i’m feeling so free that no one texted me at all….

     

    I even feel regret, i feel like i should’ve been this kind of person in uni back then… i should’ve focused only on my grades… and dont care about any of my friends… because my grades in uni arent good, just barely passed…. Although good grades are only relevant if i want to apply for jobs… but it’s still personal satisfaction 🙂

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