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wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life?

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  • #380413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Like you said you will, you do keep your replies as clear as possible, using just enough words to communicate yourself clearly, thank you.

    You mentioned GAD and OCD, were you diagnosed with one or both, when, and what medications are you taking, since when, if I may ask (I took psych medications for many years)?

    anita

    #380381
    Elisha
    Participant

    It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you tried talking to someone?

    #380421
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You mentioned GAD and OCD, were you diagnosed with one or both

    sadly we don’t have CBT where i live, just social workers and talk therapy, i was in both these things and we didn’t go far, just waste of time and effort, the “therapist” diagnosed me with severe depression, and thats it, on every session she always wanted to make me fit into society, that was actually the goal of this kinda of therapy, i realized i was wasting my time but felt too guilty to quit, in the 5th session she saw my resisting to change and told me to come after 6 month of medication (she imagines that medication will somehow get me normal and want normal things), i actually hate her, for a number of reasons, one that she believe in god and society, i honestly can’t take her bullsh*t, i imagined it differently, the talk therapy, everytime i fantasies about it, i would imagine someone who understand me and know my pain, kinda love me, but all i saw was bad advices and not even a basic understanding, i knew it was bullsh*t, but i had to try and be 100% sure

     

    and what medications are you taking

    Zoloft 150mg+Mirtazapine 50mg, its been around 3 mouths

     

     if I may ask

    you can ask anything you want, since i don’t value privacy much

     

    As for the OCPD and GAD, i have quite a lot of evidence i have them, i might be wrong, but those explain a lot, but if i didn’t have them, then why im like this? depression can’t be the only reason, again im open to be wrong, i actually don’t like labels, and don’t care what the name of my illness is

    #380423
    Murtaza
    Participant

    It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you tried talking to someone?

     

    ah yes, the old classic saying that people say without thinking, this is why i don’t talk to someone, who said its temporary ? as i said in my past posts my problems isn’t external, Im the problem, the way i think and feel and value, and my life is a fine evidence, and im saying a problem by society standards of problems, but even if i wasn’t the problems, taking your logic right here with this very narrow minded sentence, problems will never stop, its part of life, so they aren’t temporary, they are continuance, death actually fix this, and the good thing about that, is that you won’t lose anything, if i really had a choice, i don’t think i can make a more smart move in life, but this sentences right here comes from not logic, but valuing life, as something precious and shouldn’t lose because “you only live once” right? well so what? because after death i won’t be, i can’t experience regret, so it really doesn’t matter if i wasted it or lived it, its the same end, sure you might feel fulfilled at the end of your life, but then you will die, and all the effort you did will be for nothing, and this is a fact

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Murtaza.
    #380426
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I was on Zoloft (an antidepressants of the SSRI group, often prescribed for OCD) for over 15 years, 400 mg per day for a few years before it was reduced to 300 mg, when it was found to be dangerous to prescribe more than 300 mg per day. It helped me a lot with the OCD, but unfortunately I needed quality psychotherapy, which I did not get and therefore, overall- my life circumstances did not improve over the years I took Zoloft. (The other medication you take is an anti-depressant of a different group- I don’t have any experience with that one).

    You mentioned OCPD, I am not familiar with this acronym, do you mean Pure OCD?

    anita

    #380430
    Murtaza
    Participant

    400 mg per day for a few years before it was reduced to 300 mg

    thats way too much, actually they told me 150mg is the max dosage, and if it didn’t work they might add a third one

     

     It helped me a lot with the OCD

    im taking zoloft for depression, low mood, wanting to cry was a big problem, and it fix it, at least for now

     

    The other medication you take is an anti-depressant of a different group

    i actually took that before zoloft, and as time passed by his effect was very little, its more of sleeping pill, its really good since it has very few sides effects

     

    You mentioned OCPD, I am not familiar with this acronym, do you mean Pure OCD?

    obsessive compulsive personality disorder, both my sister and mother have some symptomes, there is a good article in NCBI site about it, although i don’t know if this forum allows links here, i will quote from it.

     

    “People with an obsessional personality are often imprisoned in their own cage of fixation and therefore they cannot compromise. They are unable to change their views and may jeopardise relationships or their own personal or professional development as a result. They are willing to lose anything as they cannot break through the wall of obsessiveness”

     

     

    although my apathy helped a lot with perfectionism, i do think i still have some symptomes, like the one above, black and white thinking, although these might be not linked to OCPD, i just feel its explain why im so Stubborn, though i really don’t have it so bad, incase of my little sister, she gets very mad when someone do something different from her way, she also dropped drawing because of perfectionism, she also have a big problem with procrastination, she really don’t do much because of perfectionism (waiting for the perfect mood to watch a show or a movie, not only a perfect mood, but a perfect settings)

    #380432

    If you are having suicidal ideations, you need to tell a professional. Your meds may need adjusted too. I was on zoloft in my teens and it gave me suicidal ideations. I got off it. I’m not saying that’s what happened to you, just that’s it’s a possibility with some antidepressents.

    When you feel down, try to meditate on what is going on in your soul. Ask yourself, “What do I really need?” Write this down. Then share it with someone, a safe space. Try surrendering, letting go rather than giving up. There’s a whole life ahead of you to be lived that’s worthwhile. When we are suicidal, we have tunnel vision. We can’t see outside of our feelings-that’s called emotional reasoning. Even if you do not have CBT in your therapy where you live, you can look up many resources online and use with your negative thought patterns.

    If things do not get better, you might want to ask for help and even admit yourself to a psych ward. It’s okay to need help. It’s not okay to ignore it. We can only do so much for you here. We do not have all the answers. We cannot make your pain go away with one message of support. You must ask for help in your area. If something doesn’t work, keep trying. The point is to be vulnerable with yourself and open about your emotions. That will ease you.

    I am hoping you hold on. Your life matters.

    #380433
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)- of course, yes, I am familiar with the term, not to be confused with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but I don’t see you there, since one of the symptoms is “a rigid adherence to rules and regulations”, unless one is to think of your own “rules and regulations” which are condensed in one loud NO to “normies”‘ social rules regulations.

    I am personally not impressed by the normalcy achieved by normies (your term)- the world is in a very sad state because of “normal” rules and regulations, which are pretty much about preserving, or conserving, the wrongs of the past, leading to more individual and global dysfunction, waste and violence.

    I was thinking, before your most recent post, that the problem to first address, before anything else, is how you feel, the anxiety and depression- which is a product of physio-chemical processes in the brain and body (neurotransmitters and hormones). Other than chemical intervention, like the Zoloft that you are taking, there are Mindfulness exercises that affect these powerful brain/ body chemical processes, and which can help you. But it is a long process that requires excruciating patience. I struggle with it myself.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
    #380443
    Murtaza
    Participant

     but I don’t see you there, since one of the symptoms is “a rigid adherence to rules and regulations”, unless one is to think of your own “rules and regulations” which are condensed in one loud NO to “normies”‘ social rules regulations

    yes, fair enough, it was just a theory

     

     there are Mindfulness exercises that affect these powerful brain/ body chemical processes, and which can help you.

    i promise to tell you the truth, the turth is, i won’t do them, even if my life was depending on it, why? because i don’t want to, i might be able to do them for a while because you told me so, but unless i am really convinced they are good and actually can help, even then i might not do them, because in order to do something i must enjoy it first, i have a long history with this, if i don’t like it, i won’t do it for long, i understand if you wanna stop our conversation right here, but i actually told you in the beginning you can’t help me, i admit that i get defensive when i hear any advice, because unconsciously it tells me that the other person doesn’t know me, but my answer right here is the only truth, that doesn’t mean i don’t value your advice, and i can’t do it for the sololy purpose (your advice)

     

    i really don’t believe i only have depression, since there is alot of things different in my personality, i will tell you one that i actually meet most of the Symptoms, Schizoid personality disorder, though when i did talked to people that have it, i didn’t see alot of similarity, even people with this can be normies,

     

    i should also mention that right now, im feeling very anxious, i was talking to a girl (online), kinda a friend, and she mentioned a boy she liked, and as always i got very jealous, so jealous that it hurts so much, this is nothing new, its part of my inherited Low Self-Esteem, i have a really low self esteem, so low that if i see a female talks about a man passionately, any man, and in any place, i got pain in my stomach, im learning from my mistakes, the best solution was to not talk with females, since the pain is so great and the reward (of the conversation) is low, its not worth it, i saw it as an opportunity to learn, and to try to manage such horrible feeling

    #380448
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    No worries regarding the mindfulness exercise I brought up- I didn’t expect you to get excited about it, not at all. I know you need proof before you consider anything. I mentioned it with no expectation whatsoever. I am reading: “I get defensive when I hear any advice..”- better I don’t offer you any advice. (Besides, you already know a lot about a lot of things).

    You are trying to diagnose yourself- it seems to me that the depression diagnosis that you did receive is correct, and General Anxiety Disorder seems fitting too, or some other anxiety disorder. I received a few diagnoses in my time but a few of them don’t fit anymore, so diagnoses are not necessarily for life. I’d say that anxiety is in the basis/ the beginning of most of diagnoses of mental disorders.

    It is evening here and I am tired, I will reply a bit more to the last part of your recent post when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now. I hope you are sleeping at this time, it being 3:21 am!

    anita

    #380455
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I am answering the rest of your recent post earlier than intended:

    “I actually meet most of the symptoms, Schizoid personality disorder, though when I talked to people that have it, I didn’t see a lot of similarity”- no you don’t fit schizoid personality disorder, characterized by  “secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment and apathy…  often aloof, cold and indifferent” (Wikipedia)- that’s the OPPOSITE of who you are: you are not secretive, you are a truth seeker; you are not emotionally cold or detached or apathetic, but the opposite of these things.

    You mentioned a “Low Self-Esteem” and the pain involved, “such a horrible feeling”- well, I like you, Murtaza and I am glad we are communicating again. I am smiling right now because I am typing these words for you, knowing that you will be reading them in a few hours when you wake up. Good morning, Murtaza!

    anita

    #380458
    Murtaza
    Participant

    no you don’t fit schizoid personality disorder

    that’s actually good, i always suspect it, although i do have apathy and anhedonia, but those can be tied to severe depression, one social worker told me that i have Autism, just because my brother have it and that i don’t look her in the eyes, she told me that it can be genetic, i really don’t understand her diagnose, since my father had schizophrenia and paranoia, and im more likely to have those then Autism, but i don’t have those

     

    better I don’t offer you any advice

    im speechless

     

     I am smiling right now because I am typing these words for you

    im curious to why, what did i said exactly

    #380460
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Psychiatric diagnoses are supposed to be given responsibly by competent, responsible medical professionals, after spending enough time with the patient/ client, asking questions, taking notes, studying notes, taking time to consider this or that, meeting with the patient again… not haphazardly, like you described.

    I didn’t know that your father had schizophrenia and paranoia, and your brother has autism, or as is currently framed: he is on the autistic spectrum. Like I wrote to you earlier, I believe that at the core of most mental diagnoses is anxiety, including these two diagnoses. I don’t believe much in genetics being the cause, but in early life emotional experience.

    “‘better I don’t offer you any advice’- I’m speechless”, you wrote. Well, I am making a note to myself to not offer you any advice. I will need to remind myself of this commitment, because I expect it to be difficult for me.

    “I am smiling right now because I am typing these words for you knowing that you will be reading them”- it was nothing about what you said, it was about me smiling at the thought that on the other side of the world, Murtaza will be sitting in front of the computer reading my words.

    Back to mental diagnoses, you wrote: “the ‘therapist’ diagnosed me with severe depression, and that’s it”- reads correct to me, officially the diagnosis is called Major depressive disorder (MDD): “A person having major depressive episode usually exhibits a  low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in previously enjoyable activities. Depressed people may be preoccupied with- or ruminate over- thoughts and feelings of worthlessness… withdrawal from social situations and activities.. irritability, and thoughts of death or suicide. Insomnia is common among the depressed.. the person’s behavior is either agitated or lethargic”, etc., Wikipedia. It all fits, doesn’t it, and features of the diagnoses you considered for your self are all included in the MDD diagnosis.

    I just came across the term depressive realism that I think applies to you very much, (it is not a mental diagnosis), psychology today: “Do negative or depressed people see the world more realistically? People with a depressed mood may demonstrate more accurate judgment about an event.. and a more realistic perception of their own abilities and limitations. The phenomenon is referred to as depressed realism. This is observed both among people in a state of depression and among longer-term ‘trait’ pessimists.

    Wikipedia on depressed realism: “Although depressed individuals are thought to have a negative cognitive bias… depressive realism argues not only that this negativity may reflect a more accurate appraisal of the world but also that non-depressed individuals’ appraisals are positively biased”-

    – I know that you hate those positively biased appraisals, untrue things people say because it feels good to say them, for them. Here is my “diagnosis” for you: Depressive Realist Truth Seeker (DRTS).

    anita

    #380463
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Psychiatric diagnoses are supposed to be given responsibly by competent, responsible medical professionals, after spending enough time with the patient/ client, asking questions, taking notes, studying notes, taking time to consider this or that, meeting with the patient again… not haphazardly, like you described

    you are correct, i just don’t have that, would love to have it though

     

     because I expect it to be difficult for me

    then don’t, i was just surprised by your amazing replay, i would like to make our conversation as easy as possible for both parties

     

    It all fits, doesn’t it, and features of the diagnoses you considered for your self are all included in the MDD diagnosis

    perfect description, because here where personality disorders and mental disorder separate, the person who has a mental disorder knows he have something unusual, alien to him, where the one who has personality disorder feel what you just said as a natural thing of his self, If i truly have only depression, taking medication and a healthy lifestyle would get me back on track, but when i look at the things i have to do to “get back at track”, they are a part of me, i simply can’t change them, im by default lazy and don’t enjoy a lot of stuff, i talked to a lot of depressed people, and most if not all always gets better either in time or by taking meds and therapy, right now even if i have therapy i won’t make effort to change, you know what i dislike ? when some people (norimes) use the same illness, the same name, while they clearly aren’t like me, so i refuse this label, yes i admit i do have MMD, but im not like the ones who have it, i hate when they come to me and offer advice, like they have a single idea what is like to be me

     

     I know that you hate those positively biased appraisals

    you know too much about me

     

    Here is my “diagnosis” for you: Depressive Realist Truth Seeker

    how about BER (baby escaping responsibility), although i really don’t see the need to use depressive, since depression can be fixable, i take meds for anhedonia, i take meds for serotonin, i change bad beliefs and im good to go, but i really don’t see that possible for me, not because i can’t. but won’t.

     

    by the way i thought about my past replies, i think i repeat myself a lot, i say the same things over and over again with different words, i will keep track of this issue

     

    Do negative or depressed people see the world more realistically?

    i think it really depends on the person, i don’t like the hasty generalization, i also think we should also address the fact that most of them focus on the negative side of things mostly (me included)

    #380468
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    About my note to myself to not give you advice and saying that I expect it to be difficult for me, your reaction was: “then don’t.. I would like to make our conversation as easy as possible for both parties”- what makes  it easy for me to communicate with you is that the two of us are honest with each other (and I don’t mean perfectly honest, so please don’t worry about perfection). You wrote to me earlier that you will try to be honest with me. It’s fair for me to say: I will try to not give you (unrequested) advice. I am looking forward to keep my word and not give you advice: it will make me feel good about myself.

    You explained that a person with a personality disorder feels that whatever is wrong with him is “a natural thing of his self”, unlike a person who suffers from depression (a mental disorder that is not a personality disorder) who feels that what’s wrong with him is not a natural part of himself, and therefore he (or she) would do what it takes to fix what is wrong and “get back on track” . So, you figure, that because you feel that whatever is wrong with you is a natural part of you, and therefore, it can’t be fixed (or if it can, you refuse to fix it)- then it means that you have a personality disorder.

    As a person who was rightly diagnosed with a personality disorder, I can assure you that a person with a personality disorder knows that there is something very wrong with him/ her, very wrong. That a person with a personality disorder often refuses therapy (and will not discuss what’s wrong with him/ her neither with a therapist nor with anyone else- it’s not because they think there’s nothing wrong with them, but because it’s too scary to look inside themselves.

    P.S., I no longer fit the diagnosis of any personality disorder.

    “I admit I do have MMD, but I’m not like the ones who have it, I hate when they come to me and offer advice, like they have a single idea what is like to be me”- you have a very strong need to not be grouped with other people, a very strong need to be seen as an individual unlike any other.

    BER: Baby Escaping Responsibility.. let me consider your self-diagnosis proposal.. I don’t think that it’s correct because you are responsible: (1) you don’t have children, and therefore, you are more responsible than millions of parents who don’t take good care of their children, (2) you don’t have a job that harms other people and the environment, and therefore, you are more responsible than millions of employed people who harm others and the environment, (3) you are taking care of your needs for food, shelter, medications, etc., by using retirement money that is rightly and legally available to you (you are not hungry or homeless, nor do you steal and profit otherwise from committing crimes).

    anita

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