Dear Murtaza:

I don’t know what would  be the purpose of our communication but I feel good communicating with you again, I feel..  an emotional elation of some kind, happy to read from you, happy to write to you.

In regard to your previous thread, it must be under another account, because when I click on your screen name, the only thread that appears is this one.

I didn’t refer much yesterday to what you shared in your current thread as I focused on the previous, but I will refer only to your current thread in this post. In this thread, you established strongly and repeatedly, and in undeniable terms, that you are very, very miserable: the title of your thread is, “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life” (reads like a very depressed person would come up with this title), and you wrote: “my current way of living makes it impossible to have basic needs” (a person whose basic needs are not met cannot possibly be okay), and you then wrote: “I’m so miserable in this life, I just hate life so much”, and you wrote: “I’m basically dead, what kind of life is this?” and then you add: “if I end my life, I will finally rest, if I really love myself, I would do it”-

– any rational person reading these strong expression would think (I think) that better that you change your life so that you will no longer be so miserable!!!

See, if you were content living your life as-is, not being employed or in school, being able to live on the retirement money, spending your time reading, or listening to music or just sitting there..- that would be fine and dandy with me. I don’t believe that a young man has to be employed and go about life according to societal script. But in your case, you expressed such intense discontent that my immediate (and I believe rational) thought is that you need to change your life so to get to a place of contentment where you wouldn’t think that the loving thing to do for yourself is to end your life!

But thing is, you don’t want to change your life. Question then is: what is it that you do want?

I am now looking for the answer in what you already shared… :”I understand, I might sound very miserable, but I do have some good things in my life, there are other aspects I appreciate about my current life”- good things that don’t add up to your life being as miserable as you expressed, there has to be more to the answer, I need to look further (I will continue to quote from you, part by part, and then type away my thoughts, whatever comes up for me, commenting on one part before going to the next): “I don’t have the desire to change, actually I prefer death to change to fit society standard, I see it as the ultimate betrayal, since my personality we are talking about here, not something new, not something changeable”-

– there is a sense of strength there, you find comfort and pride in you being unchangeable.. as if changing would mean a total collapse, a self-betrayal, a giving in and submitting to Society. It is you, the Individual against Society. You will not let Society Win. You prefer death to Losing to Society.

“I don’t want to suffer for nothing, what’s the point of just surviving? I’m just an animal?”- you see a higher purpose in living the way you do, maintaining your unchanging, Individual personality, not giving in to the changes required by Society. An animal will give in to society, but not you! If you give in to society, you will suffer for nothing. If you stand up to society, unchanging- you will suffer for a  higher cause.

* I will take a little break here from my search for an answer to let you know the following, you wrote “I’ve lost it, before I even have it”- this is the exact sentence I thought and wrote in my journal when I was a teenager,  a sentence that in my mind said it all. I never heard or read anyone else say this sentence. I wonder if I shared it with you, and if I never did, it amazes me.

Back to looking for an answer: “what’s the point of love that require me to change?”- you perceive changing as something that is not love, maybe that collapse of self, I suggested before, changing=self-destructing.

“you will have to have a normal life, you will have to work, have dreams, have goals, have hobbies, all by society standard, I might as well just fake a whole persona, just to fit”- it’s the fitting into society that bothers you so much, you perceive a death of persona, of death of self, of the Individual you. There is a principle here that is most valuable to you, a principle that is unnegotiable.

“I won’t change, neither is society”- the Individual vs Society.

“I don’t believe in the self, nor freewill”- I think this means that the self/ Individual, your persona.. is not winning against Society. In the war between you and society there is a standstill, a cease fire of sorts, neither party tot he war is fighting, winning or losing.

“I don’t believe that life is worth living, I don’t believe it’s worth the trouble of fighting”- standstill, no fighting. Life at standstill is not worth living.

“my number one goal is to have the easiest life there is, that means no fighting, no changing, no struggle”- life at standstill.

“I despise society, and his values and beliefs”- Murtaza vs Society, despising the enemy aka society, at a standstill.

“society.. I mean everybody..  on the internet.. normal people.. fall in the same category of hate, I have a history of following people’s ideas and advice, and none of them worked for me, no I don’t feel different, I am different”- Society vs Murtaza, Society is not only the country where you live, the religion, ethnic group, etc., it is Everybody. Including me… hmm.. I am Society to. I am Everybody.

“fantasy, a world where I can get what I need and desire without paying a price, a price I can’t afford”- the price is the destruction of self/Individual/ persona.. the destruction of the highest value of what it means to be fully human.

“I can find.. some of this love, but what do I have to do? Change my whole personality… completely change myself in order to be loved”- to be loved by Society/ any person in the Everybody category means the death of the highest value of self.

“I like to imagine society is evil by nature, the only problem I had was to think otherwise when I was young, I’ve been told lies after lies…

“I already have the best life that I can think of.. the least suffering”- not giving in to Society, not fitting in, means way less suffering than giving in and losing the only thing that makes life worth living after all, the self, the individual who  is free from Society’s lies.

“If I decide to follow society, what will mean work, marry and have kids.. those will mean I have to take a lot of sh** from people, follow a lot of rules that I don’t want to.. I will be deprived of my free time and have to put a lot of work and do a lot of stuff I don’t want to do, just no… I had to go against everything I was taught.. to live this alone, to create your own values and beliefs, your own way of thinking, your own philosophy.. to check every information you hear, to re-think.. “- the epitome of Individuality: choosing your own, individual values, beliefs and philosophy, evaluating what you hear and read, taking nothing in without filtering it through your analytical thinking, considering it true or untrue. (Murtaza the truth seeker).

My summary for now: I feel a new appreciation of you, I see you as more than the baby I mention before. I am surprised I didn’t see it before.. how strange. I guess societal judgment is indeed very strong- you hear about a person refusing to work, one automatically gets judgmental, one gets an attitude. I wasn’t aware of my attitude before, not as I do now. Free from that attitude, as I am in this moment, I see you differently. I will end this post now as I am quite speechless.

anita

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