Dear Murtaza:

In this post I will not try to produce a focused, coherent essay of sorts, no particular purpose or agenda to it. I located your first thread “I can’t cry anymore”, June 17- Nov 8, 2020. I went through 4 out of the 8 pages,  and will quote from these four pages. When I quote you, I will make minor editing changes, correcting grammar and spelling so to make the reading easier for me to process.

In your recent posts to Peter (May 27 & 30, 2021), you clearly expressed your opinion that he (as a “normie”) is intellectually inferior to you. You expressed this attitude in regard  to “normies” before: that you are intellectually superior to them. It is nice that you let Peter know at the end of your second post to him, that you think that he is a nice person.. but no one likes to be treated as inferior. I don’t. I don’t know if my luck ran out already and I have joined the “normies”, in your mind, and now you consider me intellectually inferior to you. I wouldn’t like it, not at all (I already don’t as I imagine it).

No one likes to be treated as inferior, and it is wrong to treat others as such, particularly people reaching out to you with the intent to help you, however little, however unsuccessful.

I communicated with Peter myself, years ago, and in my experience looking back, he is not intellectually inferior to you. His writing is largely figurative, and I have trouble understanding it (I need concrete writing), but there are members who prefer his writing over mine and respond to him while not responding to me. We have to tolerate differences without judging them as inferior, or superior.

On June 17 last year, almost a year ago, you wrote in regard to me: “One of the reasons I signed up here was you. I saw your reply on an old thread and liked how you responded. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you (not about my problems or anything just talking really, because you seem like a person who knows life…) but it seems this site doesn’t have this feature.. There aren’t a lot of people I know, to be honest…I wish I knew a person like you in real life, just someone who understands me and listens to me, someone I could trust and be safe with. I wish I could hug such person and cry. It doesnt have to be relationship…. I feel bad because I’m wasting your time to be honest. I know I’m not gonna do anything about this stuff and I’m just taking your time and energy. I like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what I say. You also sound very wise and I like that”-

– If I take what you wrote at the time concretely, and not figuratively, then what you were saying is that you want to interact with me so to feel better, but not so to consider anything I say as a motivation to make any practical change to your life. You wanted me to pay attention to what you say- not to motivate you to make a single practical difference in your life, however small.

“I suppress my anger, and recently I decided that anger is just a toxic emotion and I will try not to be angry… There is nothing I can do with anger. Most of my experiences with it were bad… For me, anger only has bad consequences, if I release it.  And to answer your future question: there is no healthy way of releasing it, for me.. If I don’t release it, I have the same bad consequences. Therefore it’s toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry.”

I asked you:  “I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how?”  You answered: “No one hurt me. I just like using logic over feelings. I just don’t see a point of anger”.

I asked: “You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?” You answered: “ Well, I don’t remember caring for anyone enough to let him hurt me… It doesnt matter really. I’m me now, and I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life, unless I see something worth living. Sadly, I see most of the things pointless”-

– I am sure that it is not true that no one hurt you, you shared enough about people hurting you when you were a child. “no one hurt me”- that’s a lie you said to yourself (and to me) at the time. You wrote that you don’t remember caring for anyone to let him hurt you, but I have no doubt that you deeply cared for others early on, very much so.

You were hurt, you got angry, and nothing you felt and did made any difference, so Nothing Matters became the theme of your life, as well as I will not consider anything until I see proof -another theme.

“The thing I fantasize about: being in love with a woman. Don’t tell me it could happen cause I know for sure it can’t-  my life is a living proof. Even if I find the woman I want (which in the middle east is gonna be really hard)..,  there are a 100 things that will come between me and the fantasy. So, I decided: why bother when I can have what I desire in my mind. It’s better than reality anyway… I actually don’t want to be in a relationship because I will probably end up in bad one”-

– there is proof that Fantasy can substitute Reality.

“This is my point: to suffer less till the end.. I’m alone with no help whatsoever, not even from myself. with no purpose to live for, and I don’t know anything about life really… I cant make people love me, and the way I live and think isnt very loveable to people… I don’t know anything about life tbh”-

– and you are absolutely resisting any learning unless there is proof that such learning will guarantee you personally a better life. Because such proof is impossible to come by… you are not open to learning anything different from what you already know.

“I  just haven’t seen any prove that free will exist”- free will exists. I have proof.

“I’m 20, I live with my family. I live in the middle east so its different. I have no job..  I was student and dropped out.. I got my father retirement, so I don’t need money”, “I hate society and everyone that follows it. Perhaps hate is a big word. But I just want nothing to do with this society and its people. I just hate the fact that most females don’t like me. In fact, I feel they would feel Disgust when they know me, and  I dislike when I see a weak female, not because she is weak, but because I know I can’t fulfill her needs. Just telling a female that I don’t have a job, she would respect me less. In fact she wouldn’t respect me at all”.

“I actually think this is the best life I can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life”- you = referred to your life in the title of your first thread of June 2020: “I can’t cry anymore“, and recently, in the title of your second thread, May 1 2021: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?”-  this is not “best life” in any reputable dictionary anywhere in the world. Not even in your private dictionary. I have proof of that.

anita