Dear natie,

first, try to relax a little if you can – do some deep, slow breathing, with super long exhales – that should help you relax.

So your main question is whether you made a mistake breaking up with him. You reasons for breaking up were: 1) you didn’t like that he’s bringing up your affair again, guilt tripping you, when you apologized already multiple times and asked for forgiveness, and he too said he’s forgiven you. You don’t want that he’d use your past transgression as a weapon against you and a means of emotional blackmail.

2) You didn’t want to be a burden for him, preventing him from doing what he wants – which might be moving back home. You say he is still unsure, and you don’t want him to stay abroad just because of you. You don’t want him to make a decision at his own detriment, i.e. to sacrifice for you.

Am I understanding this right?

If so, it doesn’t necessarily mean you made a wrong decision, but you made a decision from a place of hurt. I think the first thing you’d need to do is forgive yourself for the affair. Truly forgive yourself. Then decide if you want to be with this man in the long run. Is he the one for you? When he told you he’s forgiven you and knows that at your core you’re a good person – do you think he really did forgive you, or he suppressed his anger? If he’s forgiven you, and you forgive yourself too – that’s the precondition for continuing the relationship.

You asked me what I would do in your place… so first, I’d forgive myself, and then I’d talk to him. Find out why he wants to move back home, what motivates him, what his concerns are etc. Maybe he has a mother who is now living alone, and he’s worried about her… it can be any number of reasons. Anyway, I’d try to hear him out. And then if I were you, I’d share my reasons for staying, my concerns, my hopes and dreams, both around your career and around your relationship. So I’d try to talk, completely honestly. And hopefully, he too would talk openly. And then you may come up with a compromise solution, where you’d both feel seen and respected by the other. At least, that would be the ideal scenario.

But the main question, I believe, is whether he has truly forgiven you, and whether you can forgive yourself.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.