Dear Murtaza:

You wrote yesterday: “This thing, it’s in me, I have seen it in my father, this pessimism, it’s like a disease that eats you alive, you cannot get rid of it… I won’t call it depression, since that implies its an illness with a cure, what is the cure? Death.”

In the summer of 2020, you shared that when you were a teenager, your uncle beat you and your father didn’t stop him. He screamed at you, you hid in the bathroom, “It was really clear to me that I am alone in this world and no one gonna help me“.

What I put in bold face seems to me like the birthplace of your pessimism. Your dream (which you believe is impossible to achieve) is to have a woman irl “who is hugging me while, understanding my pain, feels sympathy for me, holds me.. that somehow I will be loved”.

You often expressed the pessimism that can be found in the category of philosophical pessimism, (Wikipedia)  “that time is a burden.. that human existence is absurd… Absurdity is seen as an ontological mismatch between our desire for meaning and fulfillment and our inability to find or sustain those things in the world… a divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting”, “Philosophical pessimism is not a state of mind or a psychological disposition, but rather it is a worldview.. the fundamental cognitive orientation of an individual”.

It seems to me that your pessimism is all of these things: a state of mind, a psychological disposition, a depression, a disease, and a worldview.

You believe that (1) your pessimism is a disease that is eating you alive, (2) there is no cure for it, no hope whatsoever to live without this disease, (3) the only way to stop the disease is in death, (4) you have good times in your daily life (when leisurely preparing breakfast in the morning, when smoking on the roof and listening to music, at times when interacting with your sister, at times when interacting with people  online, etc.), but these good times do not make your life worth living, and you believe that sooner than later, these good times will not be available for you anymore, (5)  this (1-4) is your worldview, which you are absolutely 100% sure that you will never, ever reconsider or change. Is my understanding in this paragraph 100% accurate?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .