Hi Anita,

I agree, it probably would be helpful if my partner were here to hold me.  We want to be together.  A big barrier to us being together is me landing a decent fulltime job.  In a number of ways that is compounding my depression and anxiety because I want us to be together, but I am struggling in my job search.  She is in a job she does not like.  I do not want her to come or move here only to find me in a job I do not like.

I have actually been considering getting a weighted blanket to see if it would help me sleep.  Of course it is likely no substitute for a human being, but the power of embrace, whether real or simulated, can make a big difference.  I have a big heavy pillow that I sometimes lay on top of me.  It seems to help a bit.

I am usually not a very outwardly physically affectionate person.  When I see my parents I more or less lean in for a hug but I do not really reciprocate the embrace.  Not sure why.  I do remember about 5 years ago when I went home on the edge of quitting my phd program I did give my dad a full hug.  He actually thanked me for it.

Again, thank you for your posts.

Richard