Dear lindsey:

Back in April, you shared the following about your current boyfriend “S”: you (mother of a boy and a girl) met him (a father of two girls of the same age of your kids) a year ago, July of 2020.  You started dating him four months later, at the end of November 2020. You felt back in April that the relationship was “very healthy”. You shared with him your struggles with your ex (father of your kids),  and also, that you struggle with anxiety if you don’t hear from S text wise. S has been understanding, and he shared some of his issues with you. You mentioned at the time that S’s parents “are great”.

Three months later, July 9, you shared that since June, you’ve been feeling “extreme anxiety at times like he is going to break up with me or is sick of me”, “obsessing over the days and texting him around noon asking if he is staying over that night”. You didn’t share with him about the extent of your anxiety because you don’t want to “come off as pathetic, insecure, and needy”. Since summer started, he “seems to stay over less” (1 or 2 days in a row, instead of the 3 or 4 days in a row prior). He told you that he “feels sad in general and overwhelmed”. He lives with his father and step mother, helping his father who has a lung disease.

On the 4th of July, he invited you  to a cookout at his father’s and step mother’s home. You arrived at 4 pm, he was asleep, got up and started grilling, wasn’t talkative and when you told him that you needed to take your dog back home, “he eagerly said he would take him home”.  He was supposed to stay over that night, but changed his mind.  On July 5th you suffered “extreme anxiety” and asked him to come over.  He was distant at first, you think that the reason may be because he was afraid that you were upset at him for not staying over the night before.

You are afraid that he is withdrawing from you, but you are not sure because he sends you texts all the time, saying that he loves you, and he made it clear to you that you are “stuck with him forever”,  but you are afraid that these are “just words”.

My thoughts today: I don’t see a valid reason to be as anxious as you are in regard to S withdrawing from you. Like he told you, he “feels sad in general and overwhelmed”. When a person feels overwhelmed, the tendency is to withdraw and spend time alone, uninterrupted. Maybe him being asleep on 4th of July was that he withdrew that day from his father and step mother: likely there are some tension between him and his father and/ or between him and his step mother. Plus, no boyfriend is always eager to be with his girlfriend. From time to time, we all need a break (alone time) from other people, including people we love.

Your extreme anxiety is really about you, not about him because it preceded him. Back in April, I was surprised to read that you had a “very healthy” relationship with S because I know about your history of extreme anxiety: I was surprised that if nothing else, this anxiety did not yet harm the relationship. I think that the reason you were okay in regard to S back in April is that at the time your anxiety was focused on your ex (your April thread was about your ex, not about S). Fast forward, your anxiety is now focused on S.

Going back even farther, on April 2019, way before you met S, you shared that you get “hyper focused on one thing- usually a man… Turning a small thing into a catastrophe”. Fast forward, you are now hyper focused on S, and in your mind, you turn small things (ex., him being asleep on the 4th, him cancelling a sleep over) into catastrophes.

In August 2019, hyper focused on another man, K, you wrote: “I saw him this morning and it’s like every time I see him I’m looking for some type of sign from him that like he’s still here, still interested.. I spoke with him this morning and he barely made eye contact and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m very conflicted, very confused, mostly hurt”- a similar experience to what you are having now with S, isn’t it? (Even though it seems to me, from what you shared, that S is way more serious about you compared to K).

On February 2020, you shared: “Apparently looking back, I was having a bit of my bi polar version of mania: reactive, decreased cognitive abilities (concentration, poor attention to detail, over tired, irritable), it happens every 3-4 months I think… my impulsivity and mood swings are causing havoc to my work and relationships.. I’m sick of the roller coaster ride”.

Back to April 2021, you shared: “Since last March I have started a mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine that has really improved my mental and emotional health.  I am doing great at work and have been in a healthy relationship for the past 6 months. My outbursts and how I handle the situation with my ex husband has improved” (Lamotrigine is used “to help prevent the extreme mood swings of bipolar disorder in adults”, online).

My closing thoughts for this post: because recently you are experiencing an increase in anxiety, better see your doctor so to re-evaluate your medications, including Lamotrigine. Maybe an increase in one, a decrease in another/ an adjustment of your current doses will help lessen your anxiety very soon. There are additional ways to lessen your anxiety such as a daily routine of aerobic and other exercise, yoga, guided meditations and mindfulness exercises.

Try to remind yourself, when you are feeling very anxious in regard to S, that (1) your anxiety is a condition you’ve suffered from for a long, long time before you met S, (2) your anxiety is not an indication that S is withdrawing from you, (3) when very anxious, you hyper focus on every little thing and catastrophize it, and that in reality, the little things are not that important, (4) that no one wants to be with another person all the time, that everyone needs a break, including yourself, (5) S is struggling with his own mental health issues (I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t), and so- you are not the only one.

Post again anytime. I hope you are having a better weekend and that your kids are well.

anita