Hi Sarah,

Thank you for the meditations you recommended. The second link (Breathe meditation) doesn’t seem to work but I will definitely do the first one.

“If you’re unsure of your purpose in this life, look to your wounds. Where we are called to serve is where we ourselves have been impoverished.” ~Mira Hadlow” It is an interesting quote. I do think we are more likely to be invested and find purpose in the field we have been wounded on, once we started to recover. And finding purpose in those wounds give them a good reason to exist, if we don’t make good use of them they are just tragedy. If we learn from them and do something good out of them, it balances the pain a bit.

I will see if I can find the book of  somewhere, this subject is always interesting and more thoughts and explorations are always welcomed.

It seems my inner child feels pressured by me a bit. I have been trying to grow stronger and faster to protect us both, trying to meet the standards I felt were necessary to avoid further attack on us. And she understands what I have been trying to do, despite being motivated by fear I tried to hear her needs and do what was necessary to have both safety and her need met. But since it is a complex thing to achieve I have been very hard and strict on ourselves.

She wants to have a meaningful worthwhile life, and she finds that only when she’s able to focus most of her time on creativity, but it is difficult to make a living in creative fields, it requires to face a lot of fear and unknown and even the people without my extreme anxiety and avoidance struggle to make a living out of it. So this need comes with great risks for our safety, and I’m trying to avoid a bad ending. So I’ve been asking a lot of us, and when it isn’t enough to reach the goal fastly enough, I let the fear and negativity win. Which isn’t helpful. She’s cooperating well with strictness, when things are going well for us, she’s happy we’re able to do exciting achievements by disciplining ourselves. But I was so focused on trying to save our future and meet that one need that is keeping us alive, I ended up neglecting to heal my wounds, neglecting to allow myself to live outside of this safe space. And she feels like she would be less anxious and sad if I were able to achieve that too.

The question about the beliefs around my traumas and the triggers is more complicated for me to answer. I will need further explorations. Partly because I have a hard time identifying trauma responses. So I can’t about the ‘last’ time for sure, but I can say about the last big upsettings time I denied myself to avoid conflict (and avoid hurting people feelings).

There was this friend who touched me in places that felt inappropriate, while talking about casual friendly things, there were no hints on his thoughts or intents. I stated years before with this friend I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him, after he asked me, because I didn’t see him that way. I also mentioned casually, multiples times after that, that romantic relationships weren’t something I was interested in at the moment. He never flirted with me with words, he just was very touchy, to a point that was uncomfortable. And I wasn’t able to confront him directly so I just find my way to give a clear general statement, not directed at him, but that should have made him understand gently it was still a ‘no’. He didn’t understand, so I went out of my way to send him a message and tell him I wasn’t ok with what was going on. He said he was just touching me out of habit, because he was used to cuddling with his teddy bear, that it was just an innocent thing that would be difficult to stop for him. I suspected the lie since he wasn’t touching any of our mutual friends that way, men or women. I didn’t dare to call him out on this and just asked him to stop eventually, even if it was difficult. He did, until he started again months later, again so casually and with no flirt, so it made me too uncomfortable and I couldn’t dare call him out. Until I finally refused to hang out with him anymore after it became clear for me no matter what he pretended before, it wasn’t innocent and he would only push further. I explained to him how disrespected I felt, and I got angry with him.  He understood and acknowledged what he did wrong, but I can’t trust him anymore. For now, he didn’t harass me again.

It is not the first time my boundaries aren’t respected. My mother too, touches me into places I am not comfortable with sometimes. Her intentions are different, but still, if I don’t like being groped in an intimate place, just because we are family and it’s innocent on her part shouldn’t give her the right. I always scream from surprise and get angry when she does that. She stops the action but brushes it off, says that there’s nothing wrong with her behavior and tells me something is wrong with me for not allowing that. Even if stop when I tell her off, she keeps doing it again as she doesn’t respect any boundaries. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen too often. And people aren’t usually acting like her. But I am scared and triggered how some trusted friends can become close and use this closeness to innocently step over my boundaries.

I have difficulties making my boundaries be respected without feeling like I am a bad person who’s hurting friends who are just craving intimacy. I like intimacy too, but I only like it when I am sure both people are consenting to this. And where there are no manipulation/hidden motives, and disrespect.

Funny enough, my mother compared me to a teddy bear too once. I’ve got nothing against teddy bears personally, but it’s starting to be a red flag. I don’t like being used as an object of comfort, not at my own expense, not without my choice or my consent. And too many people looking for love, comfort, and who feel lonely seemed to use me as an object without sincerely caring about my feelings. No wonder I am very wary of intimacy and closeness. And have a hard time trusting people in general.

I guess one of my hurtful beliefs is I feel like my own boundaries could possibly hurt someone else feelings and I’d be guilty for their wound. I also feel lonely and would appreciate some genuine intimacy, with someone who I can trust, but since the only intimacy I am given feels wrong to me, I feel like I might be too picky, too demanding. Maybe unable to love people. And that it would be hypocritical to wish for someone to like me when I have been rejecting people myself. I am afraid by rejecting people so much I am wounding my ability to love others.

 What if you tried to put together these thoughts you share here and express it to a close friend or family member you trust? What if you tried to be a little vulnerable and let someone in?

I do that, to some extent, sometimes. There are few people I let in before, because I trusted them enough (they aren’t much available now though, life is busy). I only was able to confide in because they were there at the right time, right place, because they were part of my routine and seemed like good people, and opened themselves first. They were open with their emotions, in a reasonable way, one that didn’t make me feel responsible for them but still allowed me to comfort them, not at my own cost. So eventually I was able to open up a bit too. College was the time I was able to live the most, to exist the most. Even if I was still quiet. Because I was away from my family and was surrounded with healthier people, who weren’t emotionally abusive, and who would sometimes care and listen. But now those times are quite gone, I see my other friends, those I am no open with, only a few times a year. When we see each other there is no time for deep bonding. We are a whole group, and spend too little time together. I’m just catching up on their life, watching them live, unable to be part of this. I feel alone with them because they are living and I am not, at this moment. I’ve been too busy with surviving.

It is normal, I shall take my time to build myself better circumstances, until I manage to open up.

“You deserve to know how wonderful you are. I can already see by your writing you’re thoughtful, intelligent, resilient, empathetic and kind. You are self advocating in a great way already.”

Thank you. I’m trying, it isn’t easy, but I’ll keep trying. And I’ll try to nurture more self-compassion, especially when facing traumatic events or difficult emotions. I will try to be as compassionate with my inner child as I’ve been trying to be towards others.

Thank you for your response,

Linarra