Menu

Healing and becoming functional

HomeForumsTough TimesHealing and becoming functional

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 41 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #382819
    Linarra
    Participant

    <div dir=”auto”>Hello whoever read this.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I found these forums a while back, and I sometimes read the conversations there, because I find them interesting and insightful. They seemed to help me feel less alone during some tough times.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>
    <div></div>
    <div>I have come to you because I am quite alone trying to face my issues, and I’m encountering some difficulties on my healing path. So I could use anything that could help me find some hope.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I had a difficult childhood, even if it took me a long time to acknowledge that. It was neglectful, humiliating, shameful, and sometimes violent. The was some love, but it was unstable, somewhat conditional (and the conditions weren’t even clear) and it could easily take a threatening turn and go out of control. It was upsetting to the point I ceased to trust and love my family, except for my younger siblings.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>My parents weren’t functional, so I wasn’t taught how to be functional either. I mostly picked up pieces here and there, from observing and analyzing more functional people, but it wasn’t enough to prevent me from falling into the everlasting issues I’m facing with.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>For more clarity, here are the things I’m struggling with :</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>- I had general anxiety issues for as long I can remember, they lead me to freeze or back off in situations that would benefit from some actions. Most of the time, I’m avoiding such situations, because it’s stressful and humiliating. I’m working on my avoidance lately (since I know it makes everything worse) but there’s only so much I’m able to take on before I get overwhelmed and feel like a failure. My current progress is not enough yet for me to feel like an independent and reliable person.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>- I fall into depressive phases, which make sense with my circumstances. I’m trying to cope with them, so they come and go, but they currently affect my progress and hope for the future.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>- I am not able to get a job (and honestly don’t even want to if it isn’t meaningful because I’m unable to gather energy to fight anxiety and depression for things I don’t find meaning in). I struggle when I have to go out of my home for about anything. For very long, I’ve been just barely going out and don’t feel comfortable outside my home. Especially in unknown places, or with people around.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>- As I am very socially isolated and I am too ashamed of my situation, I have difficulty relating to my friends, I feel inferior to them and not worthy. Even if they’re sensible enough to not shame me for my personal issues, I don’t feel comfortable with most of them. We have known each other for a long time, but I still struggle to open up. That might have to do with the communication troubles I have since I am young. It is not because I am unable to talk, I can communicate well enough in certain situations/times, but when it comes to open up it always felt pointless or unsafe. I acted as I didn’t exist or mattered during most of my life, to a point I myself have difficulty identifying my needs/wants. Sometimes I have a hard time even feeling real.</div>
    <div>I guess I have been successful in shutting myself down from existence. Most of my friends don’t participate in making me feel real when I hang out with them, they are alright with me being withdrawn so they don’t challenge me much on that. They just accept me like that, so there’s no rejection from them, yet it doesn’t really feel like a good acceptance either. I don’t know if they are even aware of why I’m so quiet, or if they care enough to get to know me. I’m unsure people would tolerate me if I were something else than this quiet presence they invite sometimes, but then again, I am not even sure to which extent I would able to be something else… I only know I don’t feel too good about that. I used to be alright and feel safe with the idea of not existing, but now I know it might be a reason why I feel bad when I interact with my friends… They might be alright with it, but I am not, and I have a hard time changing that.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I’m trying the whole self-parenting thing in order to heal and grow, but I encounter a lot of struggles. I want to believe it’s possible to reach some kind of peace and gain some kind of strength eventually, despite my difficulties, but I could use some help getting there. I am trying to find a psychiatrist, but it’s taking time to find one available and affordable so until then I could use some sharing of experience from people who had similar struggles.
    <div></div>
    If you have any kind of advice or guidance to provide or experience to share, I would gladly read it.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Thank you for reading me,</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I wish you well,</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Linarra</div>
    </div>

    #382825

    Hi Linarra,

    I’ve been through these things too. It’s trauma adding to anxiety, lack of focus, closed off experience from friends and family (withdrawal), depression, fears, loneliness and more.

    What helped me was sitting with the pain. Your brain is trying to escape from it OR freak out about it. You need self-compassion as you reparent yourself. It seems too like you are needing a deeper connection than your friends are giving you. It’s okay to be introverted or shy or awkward at the same time. We all worry what others think of  us. 🙂

    Functioning when you’re in pain is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I just turned my life around recently and started functioning and receiving again. I’ve been healing my inner child and figuring out how to be a normal person. But what is normal?

    I just did a 180 and can face everything again. That tells me it could help you too.

    I’m sending a virtual hug your way.  You’re not alone in this thing.

    What is something kind you can say to yourself right now as you go through?

    What is something you can be grateful for?

    How can you positively reframe your negative thoughts? I.E “I’m not enough” versus “I’ve always been enough.”

    What childhood beliefs stemming from severe trauma can you challenge? See above.

    Write a letter to your inner child.

    Do things that bring you joy. Be your own best friend. For me, I love going to Barnes and Nobles and writing in their cafe and reading Sailor Moon manga. It’s simple and kinda silly the latter part of it but it helps with self care and helps me focus.

    I would recommend therapy and a psych eval. See if you can find a support group in person or on facebook. Facebook support groups are awesome. There are self help inspirational ones too. I recommend The Soulsisterhood.

    It sounds like you have PTSD too. That’s your anxiety lurking and lack of functioning skills. This is due to the trauma.

    I’m glad you came to this forum and am proud of you for self-advocating. That’s the first step in any healing journey.

    Thank yourself for getting to this point. You survived a lot.

    You are not “less than” for suffering or having struggles. People equate their circumstances with their worth. Your worth is innate. You just have to see it.

    You can turn around this life. You can start today just by showing yourself some kindness.

    I can’t work right now either but I do a lot of self help writing and volunteer work. I’m on disability for bipolar and have a learning disability as well as add and ptsd and all the stuff you listed. I know what it’s like for disabilities to pile up on each other. You don’t have to be like everyone else to find your happiness.

    Meditation is a great way to process trauma as you sit with your feelings. There are many guided ones online or apps. Here’s my favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8

    Sending love and light your way.

    You’ve got this!

    #382828
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linarra:

    I acted as I didn’t exist or mattered during most of my life, to a point I myself have difficulty identifying my needs/wants. Sometimes I have a hard time even feeling real. I guess I have been successful in shutting myself down.. . Most of my friends…  just accept me like that.. yet it doesn’t really feel like a good acceptance either. I don’t know if they are even aware of why I’m so quiet, or if they care enough to get to know me… If you have any kind of advice or guidance to provide or experience to share, I would gladly read it”-

    – I shut down too, I too acted as if I didn’t exist or mattered most of my life. One time, I was a teenager and I was with my mother visiting her brother (my uncle). I was quiet as usual, because I knew that if I said the wrong thing in front of my uncle/ anyone- I’d be in trouble with her. What happened next, on that one occasion, was that my uncle asked me questions, questions about me, about what I thought, what I wanted- to be asked about me never happened before, no one tried to get to know my thoughts and feelings before, not in a positive, inviting kind of way. It felt so.. refreshingly new, like I was alive..  like I was a withering plant and someone poured some water on it. (I wasn’t able to answer him because my mother was sitting right there).

    What if I asked you questions, like my uncle asked me, would you like me to do so?

    anita

    #382829
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes I completely agree that Mango needs positive direction. When that incident happened I was more sad and I said Mango no in not much of a difference way but out of concern way and I picked him up and the lady and I talked about what was his trigger and she said she thought I was because last time Mango saw her she had a big dog. I picked him up to try to help him feel safe and contain.

    I am not the best at being calm. The place I called was a rescue rehab center for animals. They told me he is young and can learn he is in a good window for exposure. She also said matlese are prone to nipping which I did not know.

    I was considering what is best forango and a c owner is what is best. He has a really good memory. Today when we walked he sit so I can walk through entrances first as the leader. He is staying close to me. I think I was treating him lol he was Casper so having a loose leash.

    Anyways last night I danced with Mango like I use to with Casper. And he followed me cue if I jumped he jumped and he followes me around.

    Just now some coffee was accidentally spilt bevausesngo knocked into it I said oh no in a calm way and went to get something to clean it.ango was sitting kind of timid and I just said to him it isn’t your fault it was an accidental and it’s all good.

    I do remember he was very afraid of rolled up poster paper that I was trying to hang up on my wall. I don’t know what occured previously but I know he grew up with some kids.

    I am thinking that maybe the dog park is a bit too ambitious to start with and want to ask my neighbor to have her meet us outside and I will give her treats and I will have treats and so we can practice confidently meeting. and if it is too much we will stay at a distance. It is confusing because mango has met people well before.

    I don’t know exactly how his life was before but I know he was in a crate for training purposes I never did crate training unless Casper was I’ll he didn’t want to or have to go in his kennel.

    I need to find some expert help for sure but I don’t think he needs obedience training because he listens very well when valm. he needs emotional training I think?

    It is hard because I have a hard time being called but I slept well and I think the gabapentin is working but it is like how do a train a dog well knowing I have PTSD and these issues.ayne I should of adopted a service dog.

    I guess my big question is if I. Goo enough of calm enough to give Mango what he needs to become a well adjusted dog. I had a grooming appt scheduled but now I am nervous for him . I have trimmed hair around his paws and he lets me bathe him butaybe I could consider auzzle or sothing I don’t know something to reduce the risk. But I also worry maybe that would make him more anxious. I schedule the appt in the morning when there aren’t that many dogs or people in the morning.

    I am trying my best but I also myself where do I draw the line and say hey I am not doing right by mango maybe he needs to have something different in his life but he has such bad separation anxiety I have only left him alone twice because he gets distressed so I wonder if he is so protective because of that and that he was rehomed. It’s a lot to adjust to a new place.  The neighbor lady said she also has PTSD and when isn’t feeling calm she doesn’t meet people with her dog or get together with her dog because she knows he will become defensive.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #382830
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I also need to tell my boyfriend to never say bad dog

    #382831
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I did tell him that but I don’t know if I trust him he said he wanted to take him on a hike when I am working and meet his friends older dogs who are calm but I don’t know how much I trust him honestly.

    #382832
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Zeeza: you posted on the wrong thread by mistake. I will reply to you on your own thread when I am back from my walk!

    anita

    #382833
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Hello everyone I am so sorry for my ignorance and posting here please forgive me.

    #382875
    Linarra
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    Thank you so much for your reply, I am very grateful to read about your experience. I am pleased you were able to turn your life around despite facing similar issues. I hope I will be able to get there someday.

    You are right, my brain has been trying to escape the pain. I guess I had difficulty processing how people could be so destructive to themselves and others, especially their family. And even if I understood some people just ended up like that due to their own suffering, it wasn’t enough to process it well. So many behavior I witnessed made no sense and were scary and hurtful. I didn’t want to be a part of it so I chose to escape and not suffer from it by zoning out and focus on the little things that helped me. But it wasn’t healing, it was surviving. And I am now afraid to face the pain as I am afraid it will never go away.

    But you are right, there’s no healing or soothing if I don’t face the pain. Do you think it can be done alone? Or do I have to have trusted people to help me with this? I do confide my pain to some friends, sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Probably because I wasn’t able to have a kind/reassuring look on my pain, so I should learn to practice that.

    Thank you for your virtual hug and your kindness.

    I am grateful for the access I had to education, through school and internet. I am grateful for the people out there who try their best to make a difference and bring good into this world as their existence makes me hopeful. I am grateful for all the little things that help me relieve the pain and cope.

    I guess I will need a lot of journaling to find the negative beliefs that are doing me wrong and reframing them. Would it be okay to ask for help if I get stuck in some reframing?

    I will write this letter to my inner child. I think it’s an exercise that will take a while but I believe it could be really helpful. Maybe my inner child would need to write a letter to me equally, maybe it could help me figure out how I feel and what I need. I struggle reaching to myself and my feelings so I will need to reconnect with my inner child somehow.

    Self-care is something I’m struggling a lot with, I run on automatic mode a lot, do things because they have to be done. But there are some things that help me hopefully. What saved me during my darkest times, and the only reason why I decided to keep on living despite my life being a mess, is creativity. I love writing and drawing, it makes me happy, stimulated, and my love for it always gave my life meaning when nothing else could. It’s my support system, but I try to thrive for more, as it is not enough. It doesn’t replace healthy relationships and meaningful human interactions (even if it can emulate them). I also want to find and nurture activities that could ground me into reality, creativity is amazing but I also use it as an escape from my own existence sometimes.

    I am definitely looking for some kind of psych evaluation and maybe therapy if I find a good one. That way, I would have an official acknowledgment of my difficulties/disabilities, which I kind of need to convince me I am not the problem, that my struggles are real and not just something I’m making up. And they deserve to be treated. Since my issues have been overlooked for so long, it’s necessary they get the proper care.

    Somehow, I’m still worried someone will jump at me, telling me I am a burden and not deserving the help I’m seeking. It’s silly, and I’m not sure what it’s coming from, so I shall face this fear. I just hope I won’t meet too many people denying me during this journey.

    Thank you for acknowledging my struggles, and for your hopeful words, they mean a lot to me. Also thank you for sharing the facebook group and the meditation video, I’ll be sure to check them out, meditate and your words, and put your advice into practice.

    Have a good day,

    Linarra

    #382877
    Linarra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I absolutely understand the metaphor of the withering plant. It is definitely rare and refreshing when someone asks about you and actually cares for the answer. I am sorry your mother made you feel unsafe, and that you weren’t able to reply to your uncle because of her.

    My mother also participated in my quietness. She would talk over me, didn’t give me time to answer, wouldn’t listen to what I say (even when she’s been the one asking). She made me feel like no matter what I would say it wouldn’t matter, so I ceased to try at some point. It happened with some other people, so I inferred it was usual to not be heard, and I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.  I was disappointed with the lack of connection I felt with other human beings though, even if I accepted it, there were worse things than being ignored.

    And the worse things were more like your experience with your mother. When someone hears you and it gets you into trouble. I experienced that with my mother too. When she wasn’t ignoring or preventing me to express myself, she was out for war and drama. Spared no one, so we had to be careful not to fuel her. Which was difficult because she could start over the most little things, so the safe way was to share as little as possible.

    I would gladly answer your questions if you have any, Anita.

    I got some for you if you don’t mind.  Do you have people in your life now who ask you questions and care for the answer? And are you in a place where you can answer them safely now?

    I wish you well,

    Linarra

    #382885
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linarra:

    This will be a long post. I hope you have the patience to read through it, part by part perhaps, taking as much time as you need. When I quote you, I will italicized the quotes:

    Do you have people in your life now who ask you questions and care for the answer? “- yes.

    “And are you in a place where you can answer them safely now?“- Yes in regard to specific, concrete questions asked in a positive, curious, inviting way (tone of voice, facial expression) like my uncle asked me, ex.: what do I think or feel about this or that phenomenon or situation, No in regard to general, abstract questions (no matter the tone/ facial expressions of the person asking), questions like:  How-was-your-day? Did-you-enjoy-(whatever)? How-are-you-feeling? and the worse, for me: Are-you-okay?

    When asked the latter questions, I feel as if I am attacked, and I automatically recoil/ withdraw, feeling uncomfortable. I then search for a quick, vague answer (ex.: I-am-fine-and-dandy,-thank-you), hoping to get rid of further questioning as quickly as possible.

    I am sorry your mother made you feel unsafe, and that you weren’t able to reply to your uncle because of her“- thank you for your expressed empathy. I wasn’t able to reply to my uncle’s specific, concrete questions, asked with curiosity and interest, as if he really wanted to hear me because my mother was sitting there looking at me with that threatening, disapproving look, saying nothing, but delivering the message: I-am-going-to-kill-you-if-you-say-anything/the-wrong-thing.

    Fast forward to adulthood, when asked a general, abstract question, unless I come up with “fine, thank you”- I am suspended in a land of what-do-I-say-to-not-get-in-trouble, in danger of falling at any time, so to speak. Concrete questions and language makes me feel safer: I can hold on to something concrete and not fall.

    My mother also participated in my quietness. She would talk over me, didn’t give me time to answer, wouldn’t listen to what I say (even when she’s been the one asking)“- this was my experience with my mother.

    She made me feel like no matter what I would say it wouldn’t matter, so I ceased to try at some point“- same here. Ignored so blatantly, talked over, disregarded- it was as if my thoughts and feelings almost ceased to exist: pushed down, suffocated, dying but never dead.

    When someone hears you and it gets you into trouble. I experienced that with my mother too. When she wasn’t ignoring or preventing me to express myself, she was out for war and drama. Spared no one, so we had to be careful not to fuel her. Which was difficult because she could start over the most little things, so the safe way was to share as little as possible“-

    – My mother was histrionic, loud and wild and into drama, particularly tragedy with a touch of violence. If I said the wrong (in her interpretation)  word or words (equally problematic, if I failed to say the right word or words), or if I said the right word in the wrong tone of voice, and she was in the mood to react- all hell break loose as she went on to perform a tragic/ aggressive scene on a figurative stage: a performance that I (the audience) was not able to escape, had to stand there watching the whole thing. Sometimes, the performer came down from the stage so to let me know in-person how upset she is, getting the audience involved.

    I would gladly answer your questions if you have any, Anita“- I read and re-read what you posted in your three posts regarding your ongoing emotional experience in childhood and onward, so to lay out a foundation for questions to ask you. Here is what I see as the themes of your emotional experience:

    1) Shame and humiliation: “I had a difficult childhood… It was neglectful, humiliating, shameful… I am very socially isolated and I am too ashamed of my situation

    2) Fear: “I had a difficult childhood… sometimes violent…  it could easily take a threatening turn and go out of control… I had general anxiety issues for as long I can remember, they lead me to freeze or back off “.

    3) Partial death of self/ minimization of awareness: “I acted as I didn’t exist or mattered during most of my life, to a point I myself have difficulty identifying my needs/wants. Sometimes I have a hard time even feeling real. I guess I have been successful in shutting myself down from existence… I’m so quiet… zoning out.. I run on automatic mode a lot“.

    4) Lack of trust in people and social isolation: “I ceased to trust and love my family… I am very socially isolated .. I have difficulty relating to my friends. .. I don’t feel comfortable with most of them… when it comes to open up it always felt pointless or unsafe.. I’m unsure people would tolerate me if I were something else than this quiet presence they invite sometimes… people could be so destructive to themselves and others, especially their family… So many behavior I witnessed made no sense and were scary and hurtful… I’m still worried someone will jump at me, telling me I am a burden and not deserving the help I’m seeking… I just hope I won’t meet too many people denying me during this journey“.

    5) Feeling alive and aware: “What saved me during my darkest times, and the only reason why I decided to keep on living despite my life being a mess, is creativity. I love writing and drawing, it makes me happy, stimulated, and my love for it always gave my life meaning when nothing else could“.

    Question: do you think that it will be possible for you- some time in the future-  to trust me, this person behind your computer screen (on record are my thousands of replies to members in the last six years)- to not hurt you, to not deny you in your journey here, on your thread?

    anita

     

    #382932
    Linarra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Patience won’t be a problem for me. The conversations here are meaningful, and I have a lot of patience for those kinds of talks.

    I’m glad you have people in your life who care about you and your thoughts, and that you are able to answer the concrete questions when they’re asked in a positive way.

    It is interesting because I also struggle with abstract questions such as those you quoted. I do know they are not supposed to be an attack (depending on the level of trust with the person who asks of course), but I react as if they were since I don’t know what to answer to those abstract questions, and I’m never prepared despite them being a tradition of small talking… I understand why they would make you feel on the edge to fall. Concrete questions are way easier to deal with.

    Personally, since my friends don’t ask me questions other than the abstracts ones, I’ve been trying to make effort on my own to answer those more thoroughly (in an attempt to be known better, so they would feel comfortable asking me more concrete questions later) but often I fail miserably. I hardly manage to finish my phrases on those occasions, despite my efforts. Thankfully, the quick answer option is still available.

    “My mother was histrionic, loud and wild and into drama, particularly tragedy with a touch of violence. If I said the wrong (in her interpretation)  word or words (equally problematic, if I failed to say the right word or words), or if I said the right word in the wrong tone of voice, and she was in the mood to react- all hell break loose as she went on to perform a tragic/ aggressive scene on a figurative stage: a performance that I (the audience) was not able to escape, had to stand there watching the whole thing. Sometimes, the performer came down from the stage so to let me know in-person how upset she is, getting the audience involved.”

    It seems like your mother was a lot like mine. “Histrionic” is also a term we use to qualify our mother’s behavior, among my siblings. Very wildly performative and dramatic, tragic and aggressive… forcing us to watch and listen to her even if we didn’t care about her disturbing act. And the audience involvement too, at times… So humiliating, especially when she’s onto you. Your (and your sanity too, to some extent) privacy only exists if you do not exist, or do not let her know about your existence. No wonder such an environment while growing up leads to withdrawal…

    “I read and re-read what you posted in your three posts regarding your ongoing emotional experience in childhood and onward, so to lay out a foundation for questions to ask you. Here is what I see as the themes of your emotional experience: 1) Shame and humiliation 2) Fear 3) Partial death of self/ minimization of awareness 4) Lack of trust in people and social isolation 5) Feeling alive and aware”

    I agree with the themes you defined for my emotional experience. It feels good to have that acknowledged and understood, as a foundation, it is quite rare to discuss with someone who will have that in mind and still dare to talk with me.

    “do you think that it will be possible for you- some time in the future-  to trust me, this person behind your computer screen (on record are my thousands of replies to members in the last six years)- to not hurt you, to not deny you in your journey here, on your thread?”

    It is definitely possible. From what I read of your replies on this forum, your way of communication seems to be one I can understand, and it is respectful. I do not think it is likely I’ll encounter a lot of hurting here, from you or other members. It seems like a rare safe space. I also intend to respect you and your boundaries, so I believe if any discomfort comes into this talk we’ll be able to discuss it in a well-intentioned and respectful way.

    Linarra

    #382933
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linarra:

    I do hope this is the rare space you need it to be, I will do my part in  making it so. I want to re-read your recent reply (and anything you may add to it, as you are always welcome to post again) when I am rested tomorrow morning, in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #382958

    Feel free to share your insights from journaling or inner child letter here! I can help you positively reframe your negative thoughts if you can identify then.

    And yes please check out that meditation.

    Healing is a process. it’s  hard to know how to let people see our struggles. So I’m glad you found this forum. That’s a huge step. That facebook group I shared with you is helpful too!

    Have a little faith in yourself. Look how far you’ve made it! Look what you’ve overcome! Sure, you’re not at the top of the mountain yet, but you’ve climbed a very far way from rockbottom. So look around at what you’ve got. Life is short. Don’t forget to live in the process of finding yourself.

    We’ll be here as you do. 🙂

    Proud of you!

    #382973
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linarra:

    I’m glad you have people in your life who care about you and your thoughts, and that you are able to answer the concrete questions when they’re asked in a positive way“- I learned that it’s good enough if there is just one such person, who from time to time genuinely cares about my thoughts and feelings. Once in a while there are others. I think that a lot of the people, most of the time, do not selflessly and genuinely care about the thoughts and feelings of others: too many people are too busy and/ or too troubled to have the mental space to genuinely and attentively attend to others.

    In previous posts,  you wrote: “I’m encountering some difficulties on my healing path.. I myself have difficulty identifying my needs/wants. Sometimes I have a hard time even feeling real… I do confide my pain to some friends, sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel better… I struggle reaching to myself and my feelings so I will need to reconnect with my inner child somehow“-

    – When you experienced the powerful emotional traumas of your childhood, the traumas that shaped you to such a large extent, you didn’t have the vocabulary you have today. You therefore did not have the thoughts you have today. Back then, the child-person that you were, was way more emotional than intellectual. The person you were then is not the same person as you are now.

    The following quotes are taken from the quote right above:

    I do confide my pain to some friends, sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel better“- you have shared about your pain to friends, and here, on your thread, using vocabulary and developed thoughts that did not exist back when you were a child. As an adult, you use information that you gathered in college perhaps, in books and online sources that you read after your childhood traumas already shaped you. When you share about your childhood using words, thoughts, ideas, analyses- all which did not exist when you were a child- it is not really the child you were that is confiding. No wonder confiding with others as an adult did not make you feel better.

    “I struggle reaching to myself and my feelings so I will need to reconnect with my inner child somehow”- you have to speak her (your inner child’s) language if you want to reach her/ reconnect with her.

    The “difficulty identifying my needs/wants” may be resolved by reconnecting with the child you were, using her thoughts, her vocabulary, to which her real, genuine emotions are attached, and once you do, you will not have as hard a time “even feeling real“.

    Let’s look at what you shared in your most recent post to me: “It seems like your mother was a lot like mine. ‘Histrionic’ is also a term we use to qualify our mother’s behavior, among my siblings. Very wildly performative and dramatic, tragic and aggressive… And the audience involvement too, at times… So humiliating, especially when she’s onto you. Your (and your sanity too, to some extent) privacy only exists if you do not exist, or do not let her know about your existence“-

    – Back when you were a child, the term histrionic was not available to you. The wording wildly performative and dramatic, tragic and aggressive was not even close to the wording going through your child brain. There were no intellectual, if any, conversations between you and your siblings about your mother. Back then the experience of humiliation was probably purely physical, no words.

    Here is what I suggest, consider in your next post doing the following exercise: share about your childhood experience with your histrionic mother using very simple, child-like vocabulary, avoiding any wordings, ideas and analyses that you read about and thought about as an older teenager and adult. If you are not willing and/ or able to do this exercise- that’s fine with me. If you think that it might help you if I will do this exercise (regarding my own experience with my histrionic mother), on your thread- let me know. It will be difficult for me, and I have never done it before online, but I am willing to try.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 41 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.