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Zeeza

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 241 total)
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  • #360086
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can understand the end of the world feeling with this pandemic. I haven’t spent much time outside of my house and work and it is hard to realize how different life is. What is helping me hold onto hope is the human trial vaccine that I heard about in March. They are working on this vaccine in Seattle by Kaiser Permanente. I haven’t seen anymore articles recently about it but the hope is to have mass distribution around January. In the mean time I am trying my best to always wear a mask and keep a distance. I hope your COVID thread is going well. I have read it a couple times to help me stay up to date because it is stressful to read it all in the news so thank you for keeping it in a space that is clear. I haven’t read it much recently because I am not prepared emotionally to read it. I just tell myself to do my best on my end by distancing and wearing a mask.

    It makes me so happy that over the years it has become easier for you to have true to reality thinking. I feel like I am moving that direction because I can recognize when I am in that space and check the facts to verify what is going on in the present moment. This gives me hope. I keep reminding myself that I am not bad and that it is okay. It is healing to be able to zoom out and see the truth and I am so grateful for it. And yes I think his intention was to punch. I hope that is the end of that. Thank you for giving me space to vent about it. I did not want his words to sink in and sharing it helps it not keep spinning in my head.

    Awe please give Hunter an extra hug for me 🙂

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 13 hours ago by Zeeza.
    #360081
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How have you been? I tried practicing a pause this week when I felt embarrassed and evaluated when would be an appropriate time to say sorry. My perception of reality this week was very much rooted in shame but I was able to tell that this wasn’t true to reality to thinking. For example my director of the lab asked a question about a sample and I answered honestly but I was very afraid of getting in trouble of doing the wrong thing, the director responded with my honest answer that I had a great strategy. The exact opposite of what I was anticipating. So it is like I am constantly looking for when or how I will be punished for doing the wrong thing. However that isn’t reality no one is going to scream at me and if I do make a mistake I will receive constructive feedback.

    My brother says he feels like his full energy is coming back to him so that is great news. I have been having dreams that are very healing. I can’t remember exactly the dream but I remember waking up feeling forgiven and redeemed.

    After weeks of silence my ex texted me last night. I did not respond. He wanted his soup bowl back which I offered at the time of break up. He was like “Can I have my soup bowl unless you threw it away. Hope you have a good forth of July” and 2 hours later he sends me I am blocking you and I hope his d** making you C***. I kinda hate you” I still didn’t respond and emotionally feel disconnected. I don’t have to respond.

    I plan to get my dog groomed today and my pets are cuddling with me on the couch. I hope to have the best day possible and hope you have the best day as well 🙂

    #359207
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I had a job in college to remove invasive species for a restoration project. I loved it but those blackberries were difficult but not as stubborn as scotch broom it seems.

    Thank you, I asked him if he had enough of food and everything today and he said he was all good. I tried calling my father today but his phone was out of service. I hope he is alright. I didn’t hear from his girlfriend either. Sometimes his phone is turned off for a few days so I am sure he is okay I hope.

    I had lunch with a coworker outside today about 8ft apart. It was a nice change of pace after being in front of a computer for 5 hours. I might paint with a friend outside. It is that type of art style where you try to paint what is seen in front of you and we could paint together 10ft apart.

    I have found that I keep focus and calm and once I get to my car or have a moment with no obligation I have emotions surface and I just cry a little and keep on going. It is now going to be two weeks since the break up and I do feel more at peace in comparison. The beautiful weather helps it feel like it is still alright with the world even with this pandemic. I try to hold onto that hope.

    I notice I apologize and get embarrassed easily a lot at work. It has become much better since the beginning but I realize professionally it may be visible how hard I can be on myself. It does help me stay vigilant but I would rather just learn and move forward. I guess what I am thinking is that I need to show more confidence in success and in failure. As you have said learning is synonymous with healing 🙂 and I hope to keep learning how to be patient and trust myself.

    For example: I posted a question in a communication channel at work and it was in the wrong channel so I turned red and deleted my comment and then realized I couldn’t fully delete it so I wrote a note *Edit: wrong channel* but it took me a moment to calm down because it felt like such a big mistake although it did no harm. I find that I stay silent in a similar way because it is easier to be silent then to say something potentially wrong, however, I have missed chances to speak up when I did have correct knowledge. I have had times where I shot myself down when I could contribute. Healing slowly but surely.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Zeeza.
    #359119
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for wishing me well sleep! I did fall asleep okay around 1am and did not hear anything about this or sirens afterwards. Maybe it was a car engine pop? I don’t know. I ended up putting headphones on after awhile and tried to draw something for my brother. I made a start on another Owl. He loves owls very much. I saw an update on his facebook that he was moved to a more intensive care before being released with an infection and on antibiotics for it. I have no idea how he got this injury. I just told him if he needs anything please let me know. Thank you for sharing more information about it I wonder if he got this from playing football.

    ” I am fine, thank you, and regarding berries, collected raspberries last, they are tastier than salmonberries. You listened to Crazy and you liked it, I like it that you liked a song I liked, called it soulful, full of deep emotion.”

    Glad to hear you are fine 🙂 Raspberries are delicious and I could most likely walk around and find blackberries to pick since we have so much himalayan blackberries here. Tis the time of year for berries. Soulful music is the best kind of music!

    “When your mother included in her message that this is why you should stay in touch, she was guilt tripping you. lots of people use this strategy, guilt tripping, to make the guilt-tripped feel bad (including STP), and she succeeded, you felt very badly. And this is why even a little contact with your mother is too much.”

    “It was responsible for you to tell your manager that you were in an emotional state and ask to do menial tasks that do not have a high risk of mistakes, and then “doing these tasks while being mindful”, excellent choice on your  part, responsible and wise.”

    Thank you, it did feel like I was also showing myself that even when I am deep into an emotion I will not stay there. I think the guilt my mom sent me definitely succeeded. It felt like she-dislikes-me-for-leaving-but-wanted-me-to-leave concept/trap. I don’t need any guilt or shame, no STP.

    I thought I had my phone set up to not show messages as soon as I touch my phone, previously I had better control over this so I could of perhaps checked her messages at a time I would want to. But it is true I need to remove her out of my life because it brings up the root of a heart break of why I am unloveable and why I had to find somewhere else to belong and unravel self destructive energy within. I had started avoiding social media completely which is why I missed my brother posting stuff about this. I didn’t respond to my mom’s message at all. She sent me a picture of a rabbit afterwards for the “soft”.

    I am officially moving more into my new position. Spending 2 days behind a computer instead of in the lab. I enjoy it but I will miss being around people in a team dynamic. My manager said I will most likely be transitioned into this position by the fall. Making art and taking a deep breathe is keeping me sane. Maybe I could ask a coworker to go for a walk with me or something sometime. Since it is pandemic social distancing time maybe walking with someone is an acceptable activity?

    I honestly have been fearful to go anywhere but I hope to go out into the woods this weekend. It hasn’t sunken in that it is summer yet. I do feel more relieved that my brother is at least home recovering. I just hope he doesn’t have to go back for anything. Thank you for listening to me and offering insight 🙂 I hope you are enjoying the summer.

    #359018
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I think I just heard a gunshot and people yelling what is that and then someone yelling everyone get inside. I am assuming that group of people are calling the police. My central nervous system is on high alert. Oddly the fire alarm went off at 3am last night again too. I know I can get through all of this as I have before just practicing distress tolerance skills.

    #359016
    Zeeza
    Participant

    My brother did message me back Thank you. It is great to hear from him at least. I am silly to think we aren’t close. We just don’t talk often. And he is grieving his father figure while I am trying to avoid any and all thoughts of him. He hasn’t mentioned his passing to me at all. I haven’t either. I still want to make an owl. I will try to make art and calm down.

    #359015
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am really hurt. I didn’t look on facebook so I didn’t know he was going through all of this. He didn’t reach out. I just reached out to his GF and now I am embarrassed I did because He is home with care now.

    I feel hurt because i am so far separated and yet care so much.

    And I can’t help but be reminded of when I was in that car wreck and I reached out to my mom about it and she ignored me. I told family members about it and it was just like the only conversation we had in a year. I didn’t post anything about it or share what happened in a broad way. but It just conficts with me because i am out here myself and no one is worried and now I feel bad for being worried and not there. While being completely out of the loop.

    I just feel like I have seemingly neverending heartbreak of losing my family.

    #359013
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are your walks these days? find anymore berries?

    I gave a listen to your song and it is very soulful I like it. I spent the weekend relaxing and reflecting. I didn’t accomplish much besides laundry. At the end of my weekend I somehow found myself watching marriage proposal fails and laughing and crying and I just then ended up watching proposals crying. I am a bit laughing at myself for it. Maybe this is my equivalent to a soap opera indulgence. I reminded myself that I am basically married to myself so I have my own back it is all good.

    My first day of work went really smooth and I was off early enough to finish chores/errands I needed to finish over the weekend.

    Today I went on lunch and looked at my phone and saw that my mom had messaged me that my brother almost died and that this is why I should stay in touch.

    At first I was mad like how does she know if I do or don’t talk to my brother and it isn’t my fault that I am this far away to stay sane. My brother had an intestinal leak. She said he is recovering. Last time I spoke with my brother he was talking about moving out here and I was going to mail him some art. I haven’t mailed him art yet but I hope to make more art tonight. I couldn’t stop crying for most of the rest of the day after finding out this news. The guilt of not being able to be there. He was the one person I never wanted to leave ever when I left my house at 16. I told my manager what I was processing and requested that because I am in an emotional state if I could do menial tasks like dishes. tasks that do not have a high risk if mistakes are made. I felt like if I left work I would become more emotional and feel bad leaving a huge workload on my cpworkers. So doing these tasks while being mindful and just observing was helpful. Haha I went to work with eyeliner on and left work with none.

    I am worried about him but so so grateful he is alive. It breaks my heart to think he is in pain like this. I am also embarrassed for being emotional at work but at least I did my work.

    I hope you have a great day and stay safe 🙂

    Zeeza

     

    #358722
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am trying to take in your post, really take in the idea that I am a gift and showing myself gratitude for being as strong as I can be. I have all this time now to take care of my home, pets and me.

    I got through the first week of the break up yay! and He has not contact me at all. I read somewhere that it takes 11 weeks for your body/mind to reset after a break up. It feels like he is a far off memory. Although at work yesterday a song came on he used to play when he was super super drunk and I asked my coworkers if I could change it and I did but the rest of the day I was kind of on edge trying my best to have empathy with myself saying “I can understand why you feel that way”

    My coworkers are very thoughtful. The manager had a nightmare of vampires being our mechanics so another coworker put a wooden steak in her desk and it was hilarious! Exactly what she needed to fight off the fears. As a team we have gotten through this pandemic stuff together from hearing news to disinfecting everything and planning out 6ft apart rules. It is nice to have a place to feel respected and cared for. I told another coworker I missed being able to see people smile and the other day when he walked off to his car he took off his mask and gave me a smile. That made my really happy.

    Last night my internet was being wonky so I played music off my old itunes that I haven’t listened to in years. It was full of songs that marked different pivotal points of growth for me from starting college to making art again. The album I listened to when I was so sick in bed with bronchial spasms came on and reminded me how much I learned to value a pure deep breath. It reminded me how I built a gentleness with myself to be well. The same coworker who flashed me a smile also said something interesting to me yesterday, that aspirator and aspiration stand for breathing and hope. I told him I thought this was poetic because taking a deep breath brings hope.

    I hope you are well Anita?

    Best,

    Zeeza

    #358578
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That sounds so wonderful to have a beautiful walk and finding berries while feeling safe. I haven’t tried salmon berries before what do they taste like?

    It is interesting to think of the tangibleness of how healthy friendships helps support each other. The wisdom you share with me and how we communicate helps me understand life in a tangible healing way. I think this thread has helped me learn how to have empathy for myself to see punches and stop them and connect with that inner child that just wants to play outside and feel safe 🙂 This is tangible in the way that I am no longer deep in shame as I was. I understand that if I didn’t practice these skills and be vulnerable enough to see that I am good. That I deserve empathy.

    I have noticed that feeling empathy for myself can be difficult sometimes but music is a tool that helps me facilitate empathy for myself. Like how the song behind closed doors by rise against helped me understand and heal through life shifting moments. Or when I have enough patience to sit with myself and make art guiding gently. I have been trying to practice having empathy for my body if that makes any sense. Practicing being aware of what is tense and trying to stay hydrated. I deserve food and to feel good. I have been eating mostly 3 meals a day instead of one.

    Thank you Anita for taking the time and patience to understand and listen to me. You are empathetic and feel like I never really explained or shared all I have to anyone as I have here in this thread. It is scary to look at what hurts us and thank you for making that a safe place. A safe place to be seen.

    This reminds me of a quote “if you aren’t your number one fan who is going to be?” I think of that and say hey self let’s celebrate being alive. I am responsible for keeping myself alive and well and I am getting better with it to say I care about myself to be well.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Zeeza.
    #358524
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for clarifying oh my you know me well 🙂

    this perspective does help me feel relieved to not take STP personally because I don’t have access to a way to prevent the punch besides walking away. It makes it easier to say it isn’t my fault and I tried everything I could. I hope he gets help someday.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Zeeza.
    #358504
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Is there a helpful way to approach someone about something they want to hide about themselves? Could I approached it differently where defensiveness wouldn’t occur? I never thought of the exertion of power in the way with the intentions of controlling a perspective is related to the parts we want to hide within ourselves. I hope I am understanding correctly.

    I am feeling a bit calmer and remembering to take deep breaths throughout the day.

    #358446
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This makes sense that we shut off when emotions are too intense. I appreciate your wisdom. Thank you I never had the thought come across my mind that you missed points but thank you for opening communication. Also please let me know if I am missing any ideas as well.

    I feel very sad and lonely. Although I know I am not alone and sometimes my brain says things that aren’t true. I am trying to find a refocus. I am really grateful I let go of that relationship. I am sad that it went so south and wish he could get well. It is easier to blame the alcohol but it is him that is hurting me even sober. and that hurts. It is like grieving an imaginary person I thought I knew but it was a mask. I guess as humans we all want to be seen and understood. Thanks for letting me have space here in this forum.

    “it is not abnormal to seek protection in a person we fear. The thinking goes something like this: if he perceives that I am on his side/ if he likes me, then he will protect me. So you’d tiptoe around him, try to please him, try to not anger him.. so that he will protect you (?)”

    This reminds me of how I met my best friend of 6ish years but had that huge falling out. She was a person you wouldn’t want to ever cross but grateful to have on your side. Reminds me of being a child wanting an angry parent to love you and doing anything to be on the good side. Maybe I will learn how to trust myself more with showing that I can protect myself.

    Sometimes I wish I was normal and had random dinners with family members. The idea of coming home for the holidays. I guess a lot of people might be feeling lonely during this pandemic. I am trying my best to build home and I hope I can emotionally learn that I am not alone. That there is nothing inherently wrong with me even though I feel awkward.

    #358374
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope the report was informative. The only thing I can think about doing during this time in the world is listening to friends. Fully listening as they go through this time. I try to be welcoming to all strangers and say hi with a hand over my heart.

    I have a hard time keeping up with the news because it is intense. I am honestly surprised how emotionally detached I am from what is going on and I feel a big guilty about it. I don’t know if I am drained but I hope that this brings real positive change in the end.

    I didn’t realize I had a mental habit of thinking of him when I am scared which is kind of ironic because I have been scared of him a couple of times. It reminds me of the feeling when I first moved out on my own and had my own place. I had so much fear someone would break in and so many what ifs. I had an extremely hard time being alone but over time it has become better.

     

    I have had this art idea for awhile and I think today is the day to start it. A gas mask with plants growing out of it. I had started one version but spilled coffee all over it haha. I am going to try to focus my mind to be imaginative instead of anxious but I’ll be patient however it flows.

    i hope you enjoy your day and if you have any suggestions in how one person can support the positive changes in the world I am open to suggestions because I feel like I could do more.

    #358297
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for clarifying I didn’t even see that extra added layer of guilt. I am glad I coped well and didn’t get hook on his story or angle if you will. The only thing concerning was how I thought of him when I was afraid of the fire alarm. Maybe over time I won’t have him in my mind as my go to person. I am not sure why the fire alarm went off. I know the sprinklers weren’t activated. So far it is an easy going day at work and my brain wasn’t too tired to learn new things. All the guy texted me was glad you are safe and I didn’t text back. I need to make my way to no contact. I haven’t messaged him at all and he hasn’t either. The more clear I am the easier it will be. I am glad you have power back? It was raining hard here which I missed 🙂

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by Zeeza.
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