Forum Replies Created
December 11, 2021 at 2:33 pm #389672
I have written and thought of many things to say but I am kind of shuffling that to the side so it isn’t so painful to face it. I wanted to talk about something recent and I will circle back to go deeper. I started to think of al the times I have cried in this relationship which lead me to ask more directly for what I want which produced some results and care.
I so feel like I am stuck on history on repeat. I finally made art. I got ready to stream and start the art business idea I have been dreaming. Last time I streamed was when I got out of the car wreck.
anyways today I wake up with car insurance calling me. And my van was hit while parked. I have an appt to get it fixed Monday. I still have so much to empty out.
and it feels odd like a sign from the universe, car accidents and taking steps to follow art dreams, to remember what I am saying yes and no to because my time is important. I am important.
I have been trying to insert positive thinking and strengthen mind over matter.
I don’t want to be alone for the holidays like I thought I did but I have no idea where to go. I could rent a car. I do feel lucky that the person was honest and filed an insurance claim instead of a hit and run.
I really do want to ask him FT that if he really does want an open relationship then there shouldn’t be a problem with me seeing other people and trying to find my husband. I’ve just been afraid to say it ask it because I just want the answer to be that it is him. That he is the one.
I’m trying to think clearly and keep self care routine. I at least set up 3 places I can sit instead of one spot that I have been stuck in. I hung up art and lights. Trying to nest.
I hope you are well Anita?
December 9, 2021 at 1:58 pm #389644
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Thank you for deep things to ponder on and recognize growth. I will write/share more thoughts/plans later tonight.
ZeezaDecember 6, 2021 at 5:21 pm #389536
Yes feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care. That he will want to talk to me as much as I do. Past couple days has been bare minimum conversation. After had like a 3 hour phone call. Keeping my peace and calm and not reacting because I don’t want to be needy. He did invite me for the holidays but I declined because its best to lay low on the holidays for me and my PTSD. It is just odd I will ask him how is doing and he won’t answer but just respond to other things I said like oh thats cool.
I have been thinking about what it means to be vulnerable and to trust. Maybe I make myself too vulnerable. Need to be selective with sharing. I previously removed myself from a friend group thread so I wouldn’t see all the times he ignored me and replied to the thread instead. He recently added me back. I didn’t feel safe enough to tell him that this was why I removed myself. Because I didn’t want him to feel pressured to respond to me first. Rather have it happen organically.
Love is organic can’t force it and it stresses me out to try to measure it so I let it go. Feel like I can let go of my thoughts more easily.
Maybe I could go to Mexico one day by myself. I am not prepared to do anything like that now.
I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home. and most people have a family like that. So it is odd.
My friends who needed a place might be going to their only living parents house. The mom was recently hospitalized for covid and is in another state. They don’t know when or if they would leave to see her yet. But might I have the place to myself.
I have one day off, then work two days, then the first time in years I will have a weekend day off.
Maybe that will help my social life.
So to help me understand better, a loving husband would want to take care of you and not see you as a burden? I mean we all can get compassion fatigue. and the fear of losing yourself to a relationship without having time for other things makes sense.
I just feel kind of invisible. I was reading old poetry of mine last night to try to reconnect with myself. Remembering that level of vulnerability.
A couple of years ago I was so career and success focused. After that car wreck I became more people focused wanting to have those bonds. And around the same time I had a falling out with a best friend and a break up etc But I am thinking I need to focus on living my life like I will never be married. I mean I might? But for now I am the only one I can count on so I better invest in myself. I am not sure how yet besides hobbies. I am too nervous to make a plunge to start an art business. And I still have 5 classes to finish a degree. I really do hope I draw soon I always feel better. I sat in front of my drawing pad for two hours and nothing was willing to come to me. I just kept reading my poem which ended with the lines “never truly seen or heard I am a doll to you only to serve”. I wrote that a couple of years ago. I wonder if I do this to myself, because I am trying to prove worth I try to make happiness increase by catering. So that becomes expected from me. And If I am not letting myself be seen and hiding behind good deeds then its my own fault. Learning to be vulnerable in the right ways like holding my needs and feelings as important and not being afraid to be rejected because I don’t reject myself.
ZeezaDecember 4, 2021 at 4:36 pm #389390
This is going to be a long post so please bare with me. I will try to split it up so it is easy to read.
Yes there are a couple of options for me but none for them. Unless they can suddenly afford a way to travel to one parent that is still alive. 4 kids and 2 adults. I don’t think my space is big enough but they have stayed in hotel rooms together for a long time when something was getting fixed on their house.
The options I have
-I could go to the portland friend’s house- not a long drive. And I enjoy my time with my friend. But she is really having a stressful marriage and they are going to therapy but there has been abusive behaviors.
-I could go visit a friend in cali like I was originally going to do. The friend who has a spare room and we talk every other day. I just didn’t know how serious her offer was because she drinks often I don’t think she remembers what she offers sometime so I double check.
-Could also go to colorado to visit another friend but the snow could be triggering for me.
– I have the ability to drive out of the country now which I have never done. I have one really good friend in Canada. The friend I got into the car wreck with. Once again snow. And my window can’t roll up all the way yet it is taped.
FT and I had planned to go to mexico at some point 🙁
So last night I started to write to you and never posted it
the heavy weight, the cloud of complex ptsd ,hits my heart in a different empathetic way. When I look at the source of the pain in my heart when I breathe I think of all the times I tried so so so so hard to be loved. I am past the stage of trying so hard to be loved and now just so angry. I tried so hard to be good enough. Now it feels like a hijack game of “it doesn’t matter what I do”. But the anger kicks in because I want to have power. The power to escape this cycle of trying to prove my worth. what looks like love but isn’t— abusive exes wanted me to love them, they did not love me. It felt so good to be wanted.
Sometimes I worry about my history with violence. How I have been violent towards myself and now how I punched the door. Throughout the day I just wish I had something to punch.
I actually got so dizzy, ringing in my ears, fast heart, I thought I was going to pass out. I laid down and fell asleep or passed out I can’t tell. I was up in 10 minutes just fine. I was using my standing desk, maybe standing did it? I don’t know.
Around this time of year I do notice jealousy pops up. I try to switch it to gratitude. I went near my old campus last week. It reminded me of how insecure and brave I was. But also looking at all the students with nice clothes and confidence made it really hard to not compare.
I try to imagine what would a happy ending be? ”
One of the things my dad told me recently is that he tried meth. But that he didn’t continue doing it.
Really sad. He also said I am one of the main reasons he is still alive. It would be easier if he visited me instead of going to PTSD areas.
In regards to FT,
He is going to get vaccinated Monday. (he says it is because of work, but then does say, hey maybe I am safer, so I think he is starting to see how it could possibly help, that and his mother was recently vaccinated.).
This is my theory, I have not directly called him out on it yet, but when I asked for 2 day space and started being distrustful towards him when he said he wanted to move things more slowly, then he said he wanted an open relationship. His previous 10 year relationship ended because she cheated on him. I felt cheated by him not telling me he wanted it open from the beginning. Most poly people are upfront as soon as you meet them. It feels less dishonest that way.
When we did talk he asked me about guys who I was with where I have been and it became apparent to me that he was worried with me being back in seattle that I was cheating on him, so he said let’s open the relationship. I asked him if he already has someone else and he said no. S0 honestly have no idea why he brought this up beside trying to let go of expectations. I have had moments with crushes on multiple people. leaving a current bf for another.
What I suggested was that we are all friends and that I want to be a primary partner and poly is like agreed boundaries. I honestly don’t think he is poly and neither do my friends. He was single for 3 years before he met me. I felt like it was a way to cope with his insecurities but it broke me into my own insecurities.
I am the only one that knows his family, I am friends with his mom. She has emailed me a few times. She just got vaccinated and better medication. He was updating me on how she is doing a lot better too.
I told him about the emotional roller coaster I have been on and he offered a calmspace app. I told him I felt dizzy and he told me to lay down etc. Then he mentioned how he knows how I really want security and safety. And maybe a part of that would be for me to connect with a neighbor. SO friends or anyone can check on me if anything happens. There is someone nearby. I told him how the holidays are hard and I usually spend it alone. He reminded me of friends who would want to spend time with me then.
It is still really raw and fresh. He knows when I got to bed so even if he is drunk and doing stuff he texts me good night at the same time now. And he even woke up early to say good morning before falling back asleep because he knows my schedule. We have been back in contact for I don’t know how many days?
His mom studies violence against women throughout history and how we develop resilience. He was saying how he has a lot of anger too and doing tai chi helps.
He was most recently angry when his mom accidentally washed his earbuds. He didn’t say how expressed it but how his mom instantly knew he was upset. and how he is trying to calm down. That he has calmed down a lot since his 20s. He use to get bullied a lot since he is into geeky things and looks foreign.
I don’t know we are building trust. I might visit him though?
At least he can see where I am coming from. Why I want security so badly and offering ideas to build it.
We have been in contact, and it is a mind game to test me to say he wants things to be open? because I think he wanted to see how I react? He wanted either for me to admit I was cheating or see how upset I would get I don’t know. It is a theory. I really do want to try to make things work. but I don’t want drama.
He sent me this song and it was sweet, the lyrics are
“In spite of ourselves
We’ll end up sittin on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we’re the big door prize
We’re gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There won’t be nothin’ but big old hearts
Dancin’ in our eyes….She’s my baby I’m her honey
I’m never gonna let her go”
I do not feel as emotionally high but peaceful. So if it all comes crashing down on me it won’t be like last time. Like an emotional whiplash.
December 4, 2021 at 8:47 am #389381
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
I slept good last night but the night before was rough. Yesterday I felt so dizzy writhing ringing in my ears that I laid down and immediately fel alders. Work up and clocked back into work 20 min later bud I thought I was going to pass out.
I ate food but using my standing desk so early in the morning maybe did it I am not sure.
Thank you I hope you are well 🙂December 2, 2021 at 10:59 pm #389342
Thank you 💜 connecting to spirit helps me feel like I am invited to space of infinite worth. Like “ “the infinite love in the sky that never dies”
which means that creation of matter and life is a beautiful blossom of gratitude and the love is the momentum that brings it forward. I know scientifically emotions aren’t used to describe the Big Bang theory but the ability to witness, listen to connect, and value what exists is that infinite love in the sky. Like how it can feel so good to look at the sky , one could call it a hug from the universe.
I did the next step of dying my hair and I really like it. Reminds me of goddess kind of warrior. My dad called my late last night at midnight and I woke up and talked with him as I ate a bowl of cereal. When I answered I was confused I thought he was Calling me at 5am which 8am in Vermont. But it was midnight my time. We had a could talk about aggression and punching things and ways to do Thai chi and other channels for aggressions. He is big on karate and tonight we watched videos on different soft karate formss he thinks would be good for me to learn. He was trying to direct me away from the more aggressive forms of fighting and more towards necessary self defense. I did 10 push ups I am not tired yet.
also another thing that helps me is connecting to inner child and I learned that here on this thread with you. It makes it easier to be gentle with myself. When I was really crying hard the other day I actually felt as if my young self was trying to give me a hug and thought is this what self love is?
I had a weird vision that the way I would die is being stabbed in the back on my right side puncturing a lung. Which when I had this flash that part of my back hurts.
I don’t think I am manic but it is weird to feel this much better after such a drastic upheaval of negative emotions. I know it’s s unlikely that I will know how I will die and that the sky isn’t actually loving me it just exists with me but the playful side of me has this view to keep dreaming and hoping.
my friends who are getting out of the military, the ones who have been watching Harry, will not have housing for a month. When I was younger I had no where to go 20 years old, and became a live in nanny and known them for years. They are going to stay in my apartment with their 4 kids. They have stated in a hotel room before when they had a maintenance problem. So they have experience with tiny spaces. I think I am going to take that month (January) to take a trip somewhere in the van again. Where exactly I am not sure. they only need a place for a month until back pay comes through.
so it is really good that I kept the place! Oh also I have been using my standing desk and it is easier to keep my heart open and my back straight so it is less painful emotionally and physically. And much easier to not hold my body into a shrinkness of despair.
I haven’t set up the air fryer yet but will do that tomorrow. And hopefully will sleep tonight. I didn’t take any anxiety medication today but my mind still races like I have anxiety without the panic.
I hope your December is peaceful so far. You are a beautiful soul too Anita! Thank you for offering compassion patience and love to the world and tiny Buddha forums. And yourself 🙂
December 1, 2021 at 10:31 pm #389293
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Thank you my hands are both doing better. I cleaned, installed my standing desk, installed my new metal cart to carry big things like this. It was nice because it took all my focus to put the pieces together. I did laundry and I bleached my hair so I can dye it lavender blue and purple tomorrow. Trying really hard to not let the heart break pain get me to far spiraling by doing things. But I would just lay down and feel the pain and try so hard to deep breathe to let it release. Such a deep heart pain I don’t understand it was similar to the shocking pain I felt when Casper first passed away. Doing things helped have some moment of the pain lessening so I could breathe peacefully. I talked on the phone for hours with two friends which helped me stop crying and going into rumination of the heart pain. And thank you for being there Anita.
Tomorrow, I hope to continue self care routines and learn how to use my air fryer for the first time. I picked one up and groceries and medication. I really don’t want to escalate my emotions so high I punch things and so I am trying to stay calm. Yesterday before that I gave some homeless people muffins. I want to do that again. and now that I have a metal cart, moving back in will be so much easier and living here in general. I made a new distraction list for tomorrow. It includes stuff that needs to get done and will feel good to finish and fun things to keep spirit up.
I hope you are well Anita thank you for being there.
zeezaDecember 1, 2021 at 7:47 am #389266
Caspers spirit is at the beach I am trying to stay connected to spirit and nature.December 1, 2021 at 7:47 am #389264
I went to the beach early this morning I wish I could share a photo I am trying so hard t stay can I took anxiety medication I’m prescribed as needed.
I can’t think about the end or the relationship right now it’s like heart break overload.
trying my best to not let my negative beliefs cement that I am not enough that this will not influence my destiny.
im going to dye my hair.
my hand still aches but I’m okay. I hope you are well. Still shocked I punched a door *that is never happened before.
November 30, 2021 at 6:41 pm #389242
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
it’s like you could sense my pain. 2 hours ago I punched a hard door s couple times for the first time ever. My knuckles are bruised.
I got my medication, groceries, hair dye, an air fryer. I am not worn a friend is here.
FT told me he wanted an open relationship. And is too drunk to talk right now to cal me he said. At his sisters.
im trying to be calm
zeezaNovember 29, 2021 at 12:23 pm #389196
I agree I wish I had higher self worth /self esteem. If I imagine if my bf was here I automatically try to improve my quality of life so his is improved too with no resistance. Like more food in the fridge and actually fixing my bed that is indented from planks breaking so it is not comfortable.. I immediately feel like I am allowed to be happy knowing I have value in someone else’s eyes. This is why i don’t like texting. It gives too much power over my mind. When will I get a text back was I boring am I needy. So that was my first boundary today please no texting lets only call each other like old school days.
I watched videos last night to understand and define abuse more so I know when I am doing it to myself. Most of it was about healing means trusting our reality. That what we feel/think is valid.
An example of this is work, I really thought I saw a failing result, so I requested a retest. The next day the failing result was gone like it never existed. I doubted myself that maybe I just made it all up. Then the lab director told that this is happening in our new system. It felt like a moment of oh maybe I can trust my perceptions?
Trust is so hard. I want to trust myself that I will take care and listen. Not continue to torture myself by ruminating and trying to justify or control what I want to feel. As the time passes by and nothing in reality gets accomplished.
I read that sometimes in relationships we become so attached to the fantasy that doesn’t exist. It is like hoping to grow a garden with someone that is imaginary, so the is no real dirt no real foundation to grow. I think a part of me is hoping for one conversation or one moment to pop up where it confirms that the fantasy is reality. Not just something I was trying to hold onto that I built in my head.
I am glad you have a new brace that sounds lovely. Thank you for being there Anita
ZeezaNovember 28, 2021 at 6:50 pm #389168
there is more than just helping me with my van we went on a lot of adventures and I met a lot of people and got close to friends in his life too like our worlds blended.
You are 2nd person to say this is not good like not a relationship to continue. But I really don’t want to end things. I just don’t want to move right now and take care of myself because I really need a better self care routine. Instead I want to try setting out boundaries communicating my rules of I will leave when:
promise to never yell at me (unless I need to know about an oncoming emergency)
promise to prioritize me which means not stopping our conversation midway because someone else is calling (unless emergency)
promise to not be so drunk around me where you can’t remember what you say.
commit to grow and respect each other. Do not need to do any drastic changes like moving in as commitment.
I am just not ready to give up. It makes me so sad to think of that without at least trying. My hand is really bothering me. My friend said to have him get vaccinated visit me, instead of me making the drive. I don’t think that will happen. Which she replied that is why he is not right for you. I don’t understand why it went from so beautiful and respectful and kind to distant and fearful. I want to go back to trust land. So if I trust myself to have boundaries and communicate them then if it happens again I need to actually sever ties. And my emotions already do that for me by becoming fearful. I just need to buffer myself from self blame of why it would not work. I really wanted out happy ending and it barely started. My friend also said yes once one red flag that means go. I don’t want to let him go. Then my friend said are you afraid of being alone? I already feel alone. I don’t have a hard time finding other relationships. I think I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home.
I haven’t gotten my medication and my friend has not helped me yet. Tuesday will help. I need to shower still. Tomorrow when I talk to him I will share what promises are to keep me, and why I was hurt by an emotional whiplash of what is said versus drunk. And then see how that plays out. But I am taking steps to protect myself by staying here. Also I will no longer ask for us to text each other at all but just call. Whenever I got a text today I would get panicked like is it him what did he say even though I know he never texts me anything mean usually kind, but my brain gave so much power over the text that comes from him. Because I want to hear from him so badly.
It really was the first 24 hours we had no contact at all since we met. and now 72 hours. It was good to do this at least. Reset internally. I am trying to see clearly but I don’t want to give up I just want to try it differently.
Thank you Anita! I am trying to be calm. My friends mentioned my grammar seems better too.
zeezaNovember 27, 2021 at 11:58 pm #389157
“Love is supporting another person’s path to happiness, even if it means they are on a different path than you.” this quote makes me sad. I have a strong fear of abandonment. Why can’t I be happiness? be enough where partner would want to stay on the path with me? I worry if I am emotionally abusive because I am clingy and insecure. I don’t blame but what I say is this interpretations of this situation is causing me to feel xyz.
I felt hurt one time when in mid conversation he answers his phone as I am talking. And I tell him to please let me know when he is going to want to pause a convo and he said I am telling you now. I was upset because I was opening up emotionally about something and felt shut down. So I went to my van to calm down because I was crying. He texted me that I am sure these guys need my help more than you. I am confident you are fine. I never said I wasn’t I just wanted space to calm down and for him to tell me when conversations end midconvo. Now the equivalent is when he calls me and then immediately another important call comes in and he will call me back and then another call again. His friends come first. Which makes sense but am I being sensitive not feeling prioritized and he need space to see his friends? That is why I worry what if I am abusive because I am so clingy and
I feel like I am abusive to myself in my mind. Just not kind thoughts like I don’t care if I walk the streets and get hurt. That I am annoying. That people pretend to care because they feel bad for me.
I tried looking up and redefining what respect is. Because if there is respect there is noo abuse. I don’t know why this is so confusing for me.
Respect is listening without judgement (trying to correct a certain way) , appreciation, trust. I feel like it is really hard to trust. So does that mean it is unhealthy to be my friend?November 27, 2021 at 8:59 pm #389155
(1) yes my friend thought I would stay for the week and she also offered her moms extra room and she likes company and to meet one of her friends who has done van life for years. and I could of chilled near portland until I found a place. But the stress of not having keys to the next place, not knowing how long it will take to find my own place, and putting myself in the trust in others for safety of my needs scared me. I was also scared that what if I had covid but no place to live yet? I would be in my van with all my stuff like that? I am going to try to spend the day tomorrow remaking home and being with sources of happy without him.
(3) I have been feeling angry at any positive thoughts I try to tell myself like, I am growing, it is good to be kind to myself, I would just feel angry today.
(4) yes I didn’t bring harry back with me yet. Hopefully can pick him up Monday.
I am okay Thank you for being there. I feel a lot safer being back in this apartment which is odd because I use to be so scared being here. I was very tense earlier today I held my body too tightly and my hand is hurting again. But I ate food and I walked to my van to get shower stuff so I can take a shower before bed. When I got back to my apartment my bed was still set up and my tp and soap in the bathroom so it feels like I didn’t leave really even though most stuff is still in the van. I cried a lot today but I talked to a friend for a few hours on the phone and work was really busy so I stayed focused. I told FT to not talk to me until Monday please and successful so far.
I realized my fear of being homeless or feeling homeless is an old wound and his back and forth triggered negative inner voice in me by looking for signs of how I don’t belong or signs of not being loved. This anxiety of when will he talk to me, trying to measure his love for me or something constantly stressed me out. I told him I don’t want to text anymore just call me. And then. I said to him I don’t want to talk for at least two days so I can take care of my mental health. I realized maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk with him or why I want to live with him and he doesn’t is because his life is already great the way it is. He is family and friends and safety. And I need that too like harry, art, my friends.
But what I realized today why I was so confused was because there are two version of him. The sober one and the drunk one. The drunk version wants to live with me and the sober version wants to move the relationship very slowly. So that explains why I Feel like I have an emotional whiplash and he doesn’t remember.
I am going to focus on a self care routine of food, exercise like stretching, harry, and talking with friends. I think I need to hibernate and I don’t trust myself to drive long distances. I don’t feel impulsively dark like I did the other day but I feel like I need to stay here to keep safety.
I had a friend who would come by tomorrow who wants to help move the heavy things again. I need to pick up my prescription. I lost the bottle yesterday and it just auto renewed in Cali so I will transfer it near my friend when I go to pick him up.
I will write again in the morning if that is okay. I find that I have the most heartpain anxiety panic when I first wake up but now that i am not starting my day worrying about my relationship maybe I can become more of myself again.
I am sorry to cause worry I promise I commit to being well and sharing safe spaces.
ZeezaNovember 26, 2021 at 9:05 pm #389077
I am back at my Seattle apartment. All I could think was this morning that I need to get my keys back. I feel suicidal thoughts about crashing my van and I thought no I need solid place to live and not uproot myself. So I got my place back. I think it is good tovoe when you have a place already lined up. My friend that had a room thought I was just staying for a week. I waited 2 hours for him to call me back on Thanksgiving last ight and he couldn’t text me until midnight. And my friend’s that tried to share Thanksgiving with me had couple things to do so I hung out outside the house and I accidentally got locked out. I had to sleep iny van and it was so cold and I had to move stuff to just make the smallest place to sleep and I felt too dark. I felt homelessness physically and emotionally. I told FT I was feeling so dark and maybe we should go no contact for the next onth so I can heal (not feel unloved over holidays by trying to trust). And also to protect him because I am so suspicious and untrusting.
It is nice to have a place to live anywhere. I don’t want to rely on anyone for housing ever. Even friends have good intentions but stuff comes up.
Harry is my home and I feel like if I move too far I can’t come with.
I don’t know why he acts like I imagined it in my head that he wanted to live with me. It he says sorry you got confused.