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Zeeza

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  • #304005

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I have an appointment at 8:00 am on Monday. Like a miracle!

    #303995

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I just called my health insurance to try to speed up the process and the say I am absolutely eligible and gave me a few numbers to call. I am on hold now. Thank you for helping me find a direction. Got to keep moving forward.

    #303971

    Zeeza
    Participant

    They said I should get something in the mail in about a week.

    #303963

    Zeeza
    Participant

    No I don’t have an appointment. I can’t make one until insurance says it is ok is my understanding.

    #303945

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I need to be better at practicing being “careful who you interact with in the future so to not add people into your life”

    I found a woman in distress trying to escape a crazy ex who cut up her license and needed help cashing a check. Turned out to be a scam and now my account is negative. I am waiting for the bank to call me back. I tried to not let this overthrow my day but was not successful as much as I would hope I would be.

    Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and they found 2 lumps in my right breast. Doc wants to do an ultrasound. I know it is an 80% chance it is benign because I am young and many women get lumps. I quit drinking a month ago and I know that increases my risk. I have to wait for mail to arrive to see if my insurance will cover the ultrasound.

    I did a tarot card spread the other day just for fun and my final outcome was Satan. Stating that my life would change soon with powers greater than myself. I am learning how to embrace the unknown but I am also trying my best to not live in my emotions and trust reason and logic. Trying to be patient with myself and stop catastrophizing

    #303217

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you for helping me direct this positive movement. I took this advice and started doing what I need to do to keep things flowing and did well in my lab, eating and sleeping normally again.

    My objective is to be self reliant and inspire hope. The goals that direct this purpose is flourishing in science (because research for modern medicine) and never stop making art.

    Seeing people rise against the suffering that is life is worth the most. As Vincent Van Gogh once said “art is to console those who are broken by life”

    and “It is looking at things for a long time that ripens you and gives you a deeper meaning”–Vincent Van Gogh (This is something I remind myself to practice radical acceptance rather than avoidance with distress tolerance)

    Daily Routine:

    Morning: Wake Up at 7am and sit outside the back deck while coffee is being made. Play music and start some stretches. Take care of my animals and get ready for the day.

    Evening: Burn incense when arriving home and greet/care for animals, start dinner, journal and make a todo list for tomorrow. Read a book and turn off technology to fall asleep before 11pm.

    Weekday Coping Theme

    Sunday- Meal planning and cleansing for the week

    Monday- Listen to new Music with headphones while walking.

    Tuesday-Walk at a Nature Path with my dog.

    Wednesday-Check in Calls with Family Members and Friends

    Thursday, Friday, Saturday Paint and Draw

    Within a year the overall goal is to get my first job in the science field and gift art to friends.

    my formula for happiness is to always keep learning and connecting with people.

    I want to move in the Spring into a more affordable place.

    On another note I was walking my dog today and got a bad gut feeling so I listened to it and hurried inside. I saw my ex best friend whom I haven’t spoken with in months through my window flipping me off.

    I am glad I trusted my instincts but I am concerned with how this is turning into potential stalking. I want to feel safe going outside. Another reason to cement moving. My ex Boyfriend stopped contacting me after I blocked 3 different phone numbers. I started to let my guard down a little. I want to feel safe to walk outside in nature. Sometimes I feel like I walk around with a big target on my head.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Zeeza.
    #302669

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Another part of me worries that if this is all a layer or a shell to make myself feel like I am now loveable.

    Like a mask

    but if I want to shift and change what I want to become I have to create it instead of focusing on destroying the old. The pain is still there even if I could wish it away but I can’t let it dominate my life.

    #302667

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I feel like the shame within me is dissipating. That I can live with integrity and not get lost in all my thoughts and emotions but focus my intentions on my goals. I have laughed a couple times today and it has been so long. I feel like a can love myself unconditionally and love others unconditionally. That I can stop feeding my fears and decide to prepare for what is to come.

    Life is precious and if I waste time then time will waste me. I feel less needy and that it is safe to set boundaries.

     

    I know I might go backwards and forwards but the bottom of it all is that I believe in myself and I don’t want to disappear anymore.

    #302651

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I think it is interesting that there is a fine line between love and hate, medicine and addiction. But having these states overlap helps me have hope that I can change into a healthier space. That I can find the need for love in hate and the need for medicine in addiction. And make a better choice because of it.

    #302647

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I couldn’t stop crying last night. It was 3am and I knew the only other person who would be awake would be my mom because she wakes up so early. Her words haunting me from the past so I messaged her and asked her:

    How do I stop being such a drama queen and grow a back bone? I isolate myself because I hate the way I am sometimes. I wish I was stronger.

    She messaged me that ” You are the way you are and nothing is wrong with that. Go outside get in nature live your life. We all don’t want to feel bad sometimes but that is what makes us alive”

    My dad is calling me too to make sure I am safe and giving my meditation advice and self defense advice.

    Feels like a miracle to have their support.

    #302429

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you for helping me clarify that and it makes total sense. It is going to take some time for me to come to accept.

    I hope your back is feeling better. I am burning incense listening music trying to mediate my thoughts. There are many internal voices from many different times in my life speaking to me. Wanting to be listened to and healed. Now that I feel safe enough to listen to it.

    I am going to set an appointment for therapy again. My doctor said it would help me set boundaries.

    There is nothing more healing than someone who understands and has learned how to overcome. Thank you for being that someone is what I really mean. I hope to be the change I want to see as well.

    #302417

    Zeeza
    Participant

    It is like an illusion of having family. Looking at pictures of my youngest brother. My mom telling me he spoke of me today. That I can come back and visit. Even though it takes all my strength to do so.

    The pain of feeling like I lost my whole family feels like it is connected to my mom. Losing my brothers and some aunts. I have my grandma and one aunt who was abused by the same guy who will always believe me.

    I just dont want him to win. I dont want him to take my family away from me.

    The question of which type of pain and choice is most nurturing is hard. When I am in contact it makes it easier to not repress all my memories and grieve the loss of it all. When I am in contact it reminds me of the shame I need to heal.  When I am not in contact I think everyone forgot me. They wanted me to disappear.

    I am trying my best to sort out my thoughts but it is hard to be rational. Thank you for helping me sort out this process.

    I appreciate you

    #302409

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I have tried to bring up details.  A couple years ago when I visited her. She says she doesn’t remember to a lot of them.

    I want to stand in my power and hold myself and others accountable for actions. but it is too painful for her to face it.

    The details I brought up was when she accused me of drinking and partying when I was 14. She read all my emails and thought pepsi was code for beer. I had to lose contact with all my friends. As an adult I told her this wasn’t all true. I didn’t drink. She took that all in silence.

    #302405

    Zeeza
    Participant

    My mother says she made mistakes and she wishes she did better. Sends me self esteem memes.

    Makes me upset because it is like she dancing on an old wound and I don’t trust her. She even admitted she lures people in with kindess before attacking.

    She told me she will love me no matter what.

    Her new boyfriend died last month. I use to come to her crying on holidays she would be crying that nobody loves me. I told her I Love you mommy. Just like when our house got raided. OR when she was in my room hold her arm because it hurt. Because of the violence. while I hid under my bed to come out are you ok mom?

    #302401

    Zeeza
    Participant

    My brother and I use to wrestle a lot. Sometimes out of fun and sometimes out of anger. I would hold his head away from me so he could only kick me and it would enrage him. My mom would watch and laugh.

    When I got headlice I was treated like a filthy animal. Not allowed to touch anything. IT was all my fault. I had to get rid of it myself I was about 11. I would sit there combing through my hair with the treatment as my mom and my brother were like rip and tear Britt rip and tear. I remember wanting to disappear when at the family christmas dinner they had to tell everyone I keep catching headlice. My mom cut my hair with the kitchen scissors. To my chin. That is why my hair is always long now. I grew up not wanting bangs and to grow them out. My mom would call me eyore and to quit crying and grow a back bone. She hated that my bangs could reach my eyes and told me I must wear a headband at all times. THe head band would hurt my head it was tight. I recently found some kitty ears. I haven’t worn head bands ever since but the pain on my head is still there. haha funny how things stick with you.

    He never wanted to forgive me for breaking his bb gun. I accidentally stepped on it getting off my top bunk. And one time we were pretending to be sumo wrestlers and i hurt his back. He never forgave me for that.

    He use to get so angry when I tried to bring him inside. He hit my in the head with a metal bar once because he didn’t want to go. He was really little. My brother can stand up to my mom. That is what I think made her shift in her thinking.

    I was jelous of my brother because my mom never got mad at him really. SHe would take him to karate lessons and therapy. I had to walk 45 minutes if I wanted to do anything after school. Which is fine but when I was being punished my theater and singing was forbidden.

    ” he (your brother) feels angry a lot and copes with satanism”?—- I am not sure what I mean. He just told me this and said he didn’t react to our past the same I did. He didn’t become suicidal like me and take it in but put it out. He said that he found satanism as a resource to help. I don’t know much about satanism.

    “I was with a guy who didn’t respect my no with my body. I left him today”- are you referring to the boyfriend you mentioned earlier in this thread, the one who got upset when you told him about a rape you experienced in the past?

    Yes it is this guy. He would playfully hold me down and I kept asking him to stop. I would say no and then one day he told me I just want to know what your firm no is. and I am like all my nos are firm? He said I wish I could do whatever whenever I want with your body.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 46 total)