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Zeeza

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  • #411032
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Dear Anita,

    Since the day before Thanksgiving we have been dealing with the house buying process. It was an odd fun timing to celebrate it all on thanksgiving. I successfully made dinner for the first time for the whole family. I was so nervous, oh my goodness but they all loved it and I got the seal of approval to make dinners in the future. It was hard because his mom is such a professional cook, better than any restaurant I have been to. I made chicken braid with some different ingredients but it is a delicious bread with chicken and cheese etc. I think the hardest part of food is thinking of what to make/eat.

    I think smoking is like an anxiety relief but also a cause. It is like I want all the deep breaths to relax or feel like I can get a full breath.

    I got my van all checked out by a professional who is a friend. He used to work highway patrol and would be the guy that came in after each car wreck to see if the mechanic aspect of the car contributed to the wreck. So he definitely gave me some good pointers. I may have carbon monoxide while driving if I don’t seal the windows properly. I have a manifold leak.

    I also shared a photo of me as a kid at work and asked if anyone else would like to share their childhood photos. Multiple people joined and it became a fun thread. It reminded me of the inner child work we did here that was so helpful and yet still feels so vulnerable to reconnect to.

    I bought a flight for my dad to visit me here for two weeks. It was a black friday deal. We want to go on a fun road trip and see the ocean. It will be during my bday too in Jan. He is finally almost recovered from that terrible motorcycle wreck he had on memorial day.

    I hope you are staying warm, I heard there are a lot of snow storms up there! As I Am considering coming up there soon to complete the move, not sure when the safest time to go will be in December. But I have great tires so I think I will be okay.

    The house is something easy to fix up that my dad has years of experience doing. My Bf doesn’t want my dad to have to work though while visiting. Feeling like I am getting a lot of stuff done but also trying to prepare for a lot of moving in the holidays. I like that though since it is a solid focus on something other than holiday stuff.

    Best wishes,

    zeeza

    #410619
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happy Thanksgiving!!!

    I reread what you wrote twice so that I was fully understanding. I feel secure in the sense where I trust myself to create peace wherever I may be. I tend to keep my own space and leave no trace of my path and very considerate of the ways the house flow, because sometimes high stress can cause health problems for his mom. She is kind to me, but before I have heard from my partner and herself about her own rage attacks. My partner put it as since you have been here it has been calmer. She explained to me steroid treatments that caused her to be so angry she hurt her dog, who she still has and he loves her very much.

    I almost had someone look at my van for free, and had one mechanic over the phone straight up tell me I don’t have an issue because it would be a clear symptom with broken power steering.

    I dyed my hair and focused on making art. I have made 3 art pieces in the past 3 days. I hardly could sleep last night. I dyed my hair at his sisters house who pulled me to the side and told me that if he ever lays his hands on me to run and call her and promise her that no matter what I will walk away and double asked me are you living your life for you? and she let me know that they all understand as a family that he has this aggressive streak, and i explained how we pause and take space before things get to heated with anger. and His mom seems to very trusting as well by sharing what she thinks about certain family members and wounded children, and how she never wanted her kids to ever become wounded children and she recognized that I was a wounded child. That house that they wanted was finally negotiated and they signed paper work to purchase it today. So I really adore this house and I found it months ago before they did on a listing but the price was extremely high. And it came down very far. So it is looking like December is when it would be solidified. It is big enough to have happy baby goats or a husky is the joke.

    I do not feel like he is a harmful person because he does build me up, support me, and helps me with my own goals. He is not antagonistic but tries his best to be harmonic and when that isn’t the case there is space. The art I have been making is like crypto currency caricature of scam artists he has studied of the current times like a joke.

    I feel very exhausted it has been hard to sleep. Things have been calmer. I know have 4 days off, someone who could look at to tlet me know if my van really does have a problem that needs to be fixed, and honestly I started smoking cigarettes again. I am trying to switch back to vaping.

    Are you excited for tomorrow?

    Best Wishes,

    Zeeza

    #410257
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Well now by partner reminds me that I need to get my power steering checked first and so I made an appointment for Monday. One mechanic said that if I really did have any issues it would be obvious, but this is all based from some backyard mechanic saying I was missing bolts-and he wants me to double check.

    #410256
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not sure if the parents have suggested marriage, they have joked that when we go on trips that we randomly got married. They speak with each other in another language so half the time I do not understand what they are saying. His mom very much likes my presence and I try to help out with anything I can around the house. I brought back a surprise for her that was a moon necklace, after she gave me a thoughtful card that said “reach for the moon you will at least land amongst the stars”

    He and I are at an agreement where legal marriage doesn’t seem ideal. It just makes things messy. But we have systems set up were I can immediately transfer money to his account and pay for utilities and groceries etc. And he has added me to various accounts like Triple AAA so it is like we are married but easily reversible and still separate lives.  I have not paid rent but try to cover any cost of living expenses.

    I think their dream is to not be left alone. It is their culture for multigenerations to live in one house. Although we would rather travel, and he has tried convincing them to look at smaller, easier to manage houses. We spend most of our time outside in our travel trailer with heat. I make coffee and lunch there, so to not interrupt their kitchen use. They are very particular routine people and I try not to interrupt that.

    Yes for visiting my grandma it was just me and my aunts.

    For psychiatry appointment for my partner, I am not sure if he would be open minded to it. I tried after the whole festival ordeal. What I did successfully do is connect him with people that handle stressful situations with grace that he deeply respects and learns from. He quotes this friend directly throughout the day like a fun inside joke and reminder that everything is ok.

    I want to go up north tomorrow to see friends and move out of my apartment. His mom told me it would be okay, that I do not need to worry and stay for him because he does have a support system here and they will make sure his behavior isn’t going to get him in trouble. So with confidence that his family will look out for him in his coming down fo a crisis, I am packing and preparing to drive tomorrow. It will be a 10 hour drive starting at 7am. I am excited to see my friends and my cat Sir Harry- my friends have been watching him. I wish I could take sir Harry with me. During college I did introduce and train him to van life. He liked it but he still needs to be able to sprawl his legs. I tried harness training and he didn’t like that. But even without a harness he would still stay close by. He did escape one day when I left windows open for him. I called out his name in a panic and he came running from the woods back to the van. He is a bit overweight so his belly was flopping in a cartoon kind of way.

    I am not sure what to do with all my stuff but I am opted to put it in storage rather than get rid of it. I won’t store furniture, just my art and instruments like an electric keyboard and big paintings, hard to replace silverware, and a mini air fryer. Other nice quality things I can give away, like my keurig and rumba vacuum.

    I have been trying to convert my van into an art studio. Where I changed the seats up so it isn’t a giant bed but a giant couch. I have bright LED lights my partner gifted to me, and solar power. I have been focusing more on making my van my living space than adapting to living in a house. But it has been cold so we have been sleeping inside the past week.

    I am not sure what the future holds, but I want to protect myself by keeping some form of self security. Where i have a place to go to, and if I needed to change my housing I could easily travel in my van and visit friends, rent a room nearby etc.

    Because his parents are very very clean and have a dog, Sir Harry (who sheds a lot of hair) wouldn’t be excitedly welcomed. But he does love the van and I used my dyson daily to take care of the hair. I used a giant dog kennel to house his cat box, because Harry likes to have walls to wipe his paws on, and then I made a desk on top of that with an adjustable table top desk that is designed to make any desk a standing desk. I had a rubber mat that led out of the cat box that caught any cat litter. Harry loved the small road trips we did (max 2 hours) if he wasn’t in a kennel. He would just sit and look out the window in the passenger seat, and if he needed anything he would meow to let me know and take care of business once we pulled over.

    I have thought of the option of renting an apartment nearby, but it is ridiculously expensive. What I could afford is an hour or so away. And on top of that I would like to travel anyways so it has been confusing trying to sort it all out.

    The theme I keep reminding myself is to not be codependent, where I throw away parts of my own life to keep peace with a relationship but meet in the middle instead.

    Hope you are well Anita! Will keep updating this thread.

    Best wishes,

    zeeza

     

    #410242
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    We want to travel, but everything is currently on hold because he is helping his parent’s buy a house for months, which has been a huge source of stress. His parents want to get a house that is big enough for all 4 of us. Currently we are staying with his parents (which is very big). Thankfully for crypto, he pulled out before everything dropped and went crazy. He is definitely keeping tabs, but it seems more out of fascination rather than a stress source. But he is stressed because he doesn’t have as much money to buy the dream house his parents want. And we are stuck here until a new house is bought. Because his parents are in a rush, the house is sold, he feels pressured. Although we can leave for a weekend or so here and there. There is a house that they all love, which would have so much outdoor room for projects and away from any road noise. The issue is the house needs a new roof and decks, and they want a lot for it and won’t negotiate down even with contractors sharing the cost to fix.

    I still have my nightmare apartment up north. The lease ends in December. He wanted to help me move out of my apartment and go north with me, after a house was bought. I haven’t been north since I finished college in August. Today seems much calmer, and yes I agree, not having alcohol in the picture really calms things down.

    I am still making art, I figured out how to make a timelapse video of a whole art piece creation. It is very interesting to watch how I correct or adjust things right when I think I ruined it. My grandma was very happy to see us. I gave her a present from mexico that she adored- little turtle that is painted so colorfully. She has parkinson’s and is losing mobility to moved to assisted living. For some reason, she doesn’t accept help from anyone but me (my aunts told me). So I feel like I need to go back to help her transition into furniture that is easy for her to get in and out of. When I told grandma I could come back for longer, she said that is too long! Haha so I am not exactly sure how to best help besides calling and setting up the nurses with her favorite cello music.

    zeeza

    #410231
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for thinking of me. I do not get an email notification when anything is posted in this thread. It was a bit hard to process anything so I have not returned back to this thread. Anita, you have a brilliant mind and can easily detect characteristics of people.

    There was another rage incident this week since the last time we spoke. I went to go surprise my grandma for her 88th bday on the east coast. When I returned he welcomed me. The issue all spiraled from a neighbor parking commercial vehicles in the neighborhood, and blocking out parking strategically around our house instead of the neighbors house. It started with screaming and hitting the car. Thankfully no damage. He walked up to neighbors door screaming and the neighbor came out and almost punched him. Cops were called to keep the peace twice. His sister told me to try to help him not drink because that makes it worse. I had some success and then it started back up last night and called his sister again because she can really calm him down.  I called her because his language switched to physically harming the neighbor, even killing him. His sister told him that’s not human. His mom offered to go a legal route and did talk to attorney to address the conflict that way. Attorney said it was perfectly legal to park commercial vehicles and to try to settle it. His sister told him he is frustrated and stressed and taking it out on the neighbor and to breathe deeply. He hung up on her, but then proceeded to change his language to other ways to express his anger that is non violent. So I thought it was successful repair. We have to leave this area, so he doesn’t keep getting triggered and angry over parking. He basically told me stand by me , or leave and protect yourself.

    I guess I was referring to bipolar because it is almost like a psychosis because of the disproportion irritation that is in a reality i don’t understand. The only two patterns I am noticing is that when I leave for a few days and return, he goes into this mode, and so far the rage has been over parking. When he gets too stressed he tells me that he needs time to relax alone so we don’t get tense with each other. His mom told me she worries about me or if he could hurt me. I told her it is okay, he respects me and doesn’t want to make me angry. (I didn’t tell her the time I punched him in defense, but remembered that incident and how it made him cry and myself cry. Not a healthy situation but this is how I know and trust he really doesn’t want to hurt me). He hasn’t committed any crimes or act upon his dark thoughts. And I Am trying to come up with a healing plan so that those harmful thoughts can be reduced. I am not alone in handling this so I do feel safer. But my ptsd can’t handle yelling and screaming. I was crying for hours yesterday alone just to let it out. It scares me. Another thing I try to do to calm things is ring his friends up. and that usually redirects his thoughts and makes it a more jovial time.

    I am not sure what to do Anita. The thought of leaving makes me deeply sad so I spend my energy trying to mitigate it instead.

    I am sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are well and enjoying fall?

    Best wishes,

    zeeza

    #406853
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am safe right now. My van needs help with brakes it is starting to shake when I brake down hill. I had nightmares last night about my old ex the one who beat Casper. He was following me around saying please help me please help me. And it reminds me of now with this boyfriend how I want to help him but he turned into a monster. Now he is so calm and sleeps a lot. His sister asked me if I was okay and his friends are trying to coordinate a plan with her. He is cutting everyone out though because he is afraid of the shame blame game.
    we talked about solutions alternative portions besides raging at people. He shut it down. And then I reminded him of someone he greatly respects who handles conflict well. His motto is kill them with love. And I think he could learn more from that person. Waking up to a nightmare he asked me if he was like my ex. And I said a little bit different because my ex who best Casper showed no signs of aggression and just snapped. He at least vocalizes when he starts to get amped up.

    I noticed a pattern though. The two nights he lost it he also took something called mdma. Which usually makes people all lovey dovey but it depletes brain of seratonin. I don’t like it.

    it is hard to find moments of being alone. So I am messaging you now.

    I did tell the police about everything and our incidences together was called a lovers quarrel. So he has a record for damaging the sacred land.

     

    #406734
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I went to my art festival with dear friends and was out of cell service. My boyfriend same boyfriend we talked about previously that I met a year ago had a mental health episode. We built an art car together representing a Thai temple. It was very stressful to get it to run and before that his parents had covid so the stress was building up. He agreed to camp with my friends. One friend asked him to move art car when it was broken. And he lost it. He burned my flag that said all are welcomed mutants preferred destroyed my cup and punched things near me. When he purples oil on the sacred land to spite mg camp so they wouldn’t be welcomed back I lost it. He poured it under my van. When I tried to calm him and hug him before hand he said he felt restrained and tried showing me how it felt by squeezing my wrists. I lost it and started swinging punches and lost my glasses. I had bruises on my arms. He never hit me and I left no bruises on him. We both started crying afterwards and had empathy and slept. The next day my friends called the cops. He was threatening to slash tires and drag people on his art car. I had to talk to all the enforcements and tried to throw no one under the bus. He just had to pay a fine and clean up the mess he made on the protected land. He gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t leave my friends and go with him he would leave and that he would keep coming back for revenge. So to keep watch and protect my friends from it al I left with him. We didn’t leave event. He eventually came out of psychosis and let me visit my friends. It was the worst at first but I turned it around and met phd scientist who wants to be my mentor. Interview today.. met with his friends my bf friends to make care plan and they stayed close to ensure safety. When someone called him out on being mean to others and me he lost it again. Blamed me for not sticking up for him. I told him o don’t want to be yelled at when he asked me why people think he is mean. The goal is to create care plan with friends and sisters because he was not with reality. Even his friends told me he treats me like shit and yet I still don’t leave. Because he snaps out of it. I am noticing this is similar to my mom. Being loving and then snapping at things that don’t make sense. Whenever he gets like that o tries to deescalate but now I just remove myself until he snaps out of it. He doesn’t want me to talk to my friends because he thinks that it’s betrayal to him and his narrative. I still do though. I’m planning to head back north end of September. It’s a lot to process. To him he was treated like a 2nd class citizen by my friends. To me it was maybe a bipolar moment. His friends cried and were shocked too. So I wasn’t alone in it.

    #405992
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

    it is great to hear from you as well and I am grateful you are enjoying summer. Feels like a homecoming after being in flight for so long. Casper’s ashes came to all the beautiful beaches that I knew he would love. I am not exactly sure what I will do with my biochem degree bud I am being recruited for in person jobs however I am thinking of staying remote, or going for my masters to work more in environmental science. I want to use mg science skills for something useful. And I also wish I could go back to Baja honestly. I definitely want to move once I have a better secured job. Sir Harry the cat is well staying with friends with a fenced yard. I harness trained him a little to see how he would like van life. In Baja I was at an outdoor restaurant while my car was being washed from the beach sand and I have some kids some colored crayons oil pastels and loads of blank paper. And I could speak Spanish well so we had to learn to communicate through the art and body language and my translate. They gave me so much art and it was so cute they would draw fruit for me and write the name so I could learn. I wish I could of left them with more paper. How’s the tavern you love and your walks :)?

    #405985
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear old friend Anita,

    I have wonderful news! Yesterday I graduated with my biochem degree! I travelled all the way down to the bottom of Baja and back to Seattle. I snorkeled with so many schools of fish and turtles! And I used my printer to help the locals make maps so they can share were they live since in a 3rd world they don’t have street signs and really rough I paved roads. I thought you’d be so proud because I had to practice a lot of distress tolerance and stop self sabatoging. During my ochem boot camp of taking way more than fil time credits, my apartment was destroyed by friends I was trying to help. So flea infested with aggressive fleas. So I had to creatively van life in the city, I think I got my phd in street smarts! I am off on another journey and will be in and out of service again until mid September. I still work remote though so I will have service on days I work. How are you Anita? How is the summer?
    Thank you for inspiring me and teaching me, no longer history on repeat for me! Just lessons learned with compassion.

    best wishes,

    zeeza

     

    #389672
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have written and thought of many things to say but I am kind of shuffling that to the side so it isn’t so painful to face it. I wanted to talk about something recent and I will circle back to go deeper. I started to think of al the times I have cried in this relationship which lead me to ask more directly for what I want which produced some results and care.

    I so feel like I am stuck on history on repeat. I finally made art. I got ready to stream and start the art business idea I have been dreaming. Last time I streamed was when I got out of the car wreck.

    anyways today I wake up with car insurance calling me. And my van was hit while parked. I have an appt to get it fixed Monday. I still have so much to empty out.

    and it feels odd like a sign from the universe, car accidents and taking steps to follow art dreams, to remember what I am saying yes and no to because my time is important. I am important.

    I have been trying to insert positive thinking and strengthen mind over matter.

    I don’t want to be alone for the holidays like I thought I did but I have no idea where to go. I could rent a car. I do feel lucky that the person was honest and filed an insurance claim instead of a hit and run.

    I really do want to ask him FT that if he really does want an open relationship then there shouldn’t be a problem with me seeing other people and trying to find my husband. I’ve just been afraid to say it ask it because I just want the answer to be that it is him. That he is the one.

    I’m trying to think clearly and keep self care routine. I at least set up 3 places I can sit instead of one spot that I have been stuck in. I hung up art and lights. Trying to nest.

    I hope you are well Anita?

    zeeza

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Zeeza.
    #389644
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for deep things to ponder on and recognize growth. I will write/share more thoughts/plans later tonight.

    Zeeza

     

    #389536
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care. That he will want to talk to me as much as I do. Past couple days has been bare minimum conversation. After had like a 3 hour phone call. Keeping my peace and calm and not reacting because I don’t want to be needy. He did invite me for the holidays but I declined because its best to lay low on the holidays for me and my PTSD. It is just odd I will ask him how is doing and he won’t answer but just respond to other things I said like oh thats cool.

    I have been thinking about what it means to be vulnerable and to trust. Maybe I make myself too vulnerable. Need to be selective with sharing. I previously removed myself from a friend group thread so I wouldn’t see all the times he ignored me and replied to the thread instead. He recently added me back. I didn’t feel safe enough to tell him that this was why I removed myself. Because I didn’t want him to feel pressured to respond to me first. Rather have it happen organically.

    Love is organic can’t force it and it stresses me out to try to measure it so I let it go. Feel like I can let go of my thoughts more easily.

    Maybe I could go to Mexico one day by myself. I am not prepared to do anything like that now.

    I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home. and most people have a family like that. So it is odd.

    My friends who needed a place might be going to their only living parents house. The mom was recently hospitalized for covid and is in another state. They don’t know when or if they would leave to see her yet. But might I have the place to myself.

    I have one day off, then work two days, then the first time in years I will have a weekend day off.

    Maybe that will help my social life.

    So to help me understand better, a loving husband would want to take care of you and not see you as a burden? I mean we all can get compassion fatigue. and the fear of losing yourself to a relationship without having time for other things makes sense.

    I just feel kind of invisible. I was reading old poetry of mine last night to try to reconnect with myself. Remembering that level of vulnerability.

    A couple of years ago I was so career and success focused. After that car wreck I became more people focused wanting to have those bonds. And around the same time I had a falling out with a best friend and a break up etc But I am thinking I need to focus on living my life like I will never be married. I mean I might? But for now I am the only one I can count on so I better invest in myself. I am not sure how yet besides hobbies. I am too nervous to make a plunge to start an art business. And I still have 5 classes to finish a degree. I really do hope I draw soon I always feel better.  I sat in front of my drawing pad for two hours and nothing was willing to come to me. I just kept reading my poem which ended with the lines “never truly seen or heard I am a doll to you only to serve”. I wrote that a couple of years ago. I wonder if I do this to myself, because I am trying to prove worth I try to make happiness increase by catering. So that becomes expected from me. And If I am not letting myself be seen and hiding behind good deeds then its my own fault. Learning to be vulnerable in the right ways like holding my needs and feelings as important and not being afraid to be rejected because I don’t reject myself.

    Zeeza

     

    #389390
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This is going to be a long post so please bare with me. I will try to split it up so it is easy to read.

    —-

    Yes there are a couple of options for me but none for them. Unless they can suddenly afford a way to travel to one parent that is still alive. 4 kids and 2 adults. I don’t think my space is big enough but they have stayed in hotel rooms together for a long time when something was getting fixed on their house.

    The options I have

    -I could go to the portland friend’s house- not a long drive. And I enjoy my time with my friend. But she is really having a stressful marriage and they are going to therapy but there has been abusive behaviors.

    -I could go visit a friend in cali like I was originally going to do. The friend who has a spare room and we talk every other day. I just didn’t know how serious her offer was because she drinks often I don’t think she remembers what she offers sometime so I double check.

    -Could also go to colorado to visit another friend but the snow could be triggering for me.

    – I have the ability to drive out of the country now which I have never done. I have one really good friend in Canada. The friend I got into the car wreck with. Once again snow. And my window can’t roll up all the way yet it is taped.

    FT and I had planned to go to mexico at some point 🙁

    ———

    So last night I started to write to you and never posted it
    “Dear Anita,
    the heavy weight, the cloud of complex ptsd ,hits my heart in a different empathetic way. When I look at the source of the pain in my heart when I breathe I think of all the times I tried so so so so hard to be loved. I am past the stage of trying so hard to be loved and now just so angry. I tried so hard to be good enough. Now it feels like a hijack game of “it doesn’t matter what I do”. But the anger kicks in because I want to have power. The power to escape this cycle of trying to prove my worth. what looks like love but isn’t— abusive exes wanted me to love them, they did not love me. It felt so good to be wanted.

    Sometimes I worry about my history with violence. How I have been violent towards myself and now how I punched the door. Throughout the day I just wish I had something to punch.
    I actually got so dizzy, ringing in my ears, fast heart, I thought I was going to pass out. I laid down and fell asleep or passed out I can’t tell. I was up in 10 minutes just fine. I was using my standing desk, maybe standing did it? I don’t know.

    Around this time of year I do notice jealousy pops up. I try to switch it to gratitude. I went near my old campus last week. It reminded me of how insecure and brave I was. But also looking at all the students with nice clothes and confidence made it really hard to not compare.
    I try to imagine what would a happy ending be? ”
    ————-
    One of the things my dad told me recently is that he tried meth. But that he didn’t continue doing it.

    Really sad. He also said I am one of the main reasons he is still alive. It would be easier if he visited me instead of going to PTSD areas.

    ———–

    In regards to FT,

    He is going to get vaccinated Monday. (he says it is because of work, but then does say, hey maybe I am safer, so I think he is starting to see how it could possibly help, that and his mother was recently vaccinated.).

    This is my theory, I have not directly called him out on it yet, but when I asked for 2 day space and started being distrustful towards him when he said he wanted to move things more slowly, then he said he wanted an open relationship. His previous 10 year relationship ended because she cheated on him. I felt cheated by him not telling me he wanted it open from the beginning. Most poly people are upfront as soon as you meet them. It feels less dishonest that way.

    When we did talk he asked me about guys who I was with where I have been and it became apparent to me that he was worried with me being back in seattle that I was cheating on him, so he said let’s open the relationship. I asked him if he already has someone else and he said no. S0 honestly have no idea why he brought this up beside trying to let go of expectations. I have had moments with crushes on multiple people. leaving a current bf for another.

    What I suggested was that we are all friends and that I want to be a primary partner and poly is like agreed boundaries. I honestly don’t think he is poly and neither do my friends. He was single for 3 years before he met me. I felt like it was a way to cope with his insecurities but it broke me into my own insecurities.

    I am the only one that knows his family, I am friends with his mom. She has emailed me a few times. She just got vaccinated and better medication. He was updating me on how she is doing a lot better too.

    I told him about the emotional roller coaster I have been on and he offered a calmspace app. I told him I felt dizzy and he told me to lay down etc. Then he mentioned how he knows how I really want security and safety. And maybe a part of that would be for me to connect with a neighbor. SO friends or anyone can check on me if anything happens. There is someone nearby. I told him how the holidays are hard and I usually spend it alone. He reminded me of friends who would want to spend time with me then.

    It is still really raw and fresh. He knows when I got to bed so even if he is drunk and doing stuff he texts me good night at the same time now. And he even woke up early to say good morning before falling back asleep because he knows my schedule. We have been back in contact for I don’t know how many days?

    His mom studies violence against women throughout history and how we develop resilience. He was saying how he has a lot of anger too and doing tai chi helps.

    He was most recently angry when his mom accidentally washed his earbuds. He didn’t say how expressed it but how his mom instantly knew he was upset. and how he is trying to calm down. That he has calmed down a lot since his 20s. He use to get bullied a lot since he is into geeky things and looks foreign.

    I don’t know we are building trust. I might visit him though?

    At least he can see where I am coming from. Why I want security so badly and offering ideas to build it.

    We have been in contact, and it is a mind game to test me to say he wants things to be open?  because I think he wanted to see how I react? He wanted either for me to admit I was cheating or see how upset I would get I don’t know. It is a theory. I really do want to try to make things work. but I don’t want drama.

    He sent me this song and it was sweet, the lyrics are
    “In spite of ourselves
    We’ll end up sittin on a rainbow
    Against all odds
    Honey, we’re the big door prize
    We’re gonna spite our noses
    Right off of our faces
    There won’t be nothin’ but big old hearts
    Dancin’ in our eyes….She’s my baby I’m her honey
    I’m never gonna let her go”

    I do not feel as emotionally high but peaceful. So if it all comes crashing down on me it won’t be like last time. Like an emotional whiplash.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Zeeza.
    #389381
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I slept good last night but the night before was rough. Yesterday I felt so dizzy writhing ringing in my ears that I laid down and immediately fel alders. Work up and clocked back into work 20 min later bud I thought I was going to pass out.

    I ate food but using my standing desk so early in the morning maybe did it I am not sure.

    Thank you I hope you are well 🙂

     

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