Forum Replies Created
July 26, 2021 at 7:59 pm #383494
Maybe you could ask your doctor about birth control that lets you skip your period? like seasonique gives you 4 periods a year. I think they are some that offer longer but I am not sure if that’s good on the body but that’s my opinion.
Or if they are mising I find eating more red meat or things that are easy on the tummy to keep down then the periods can come back after more stable eating for awhile.
Hope you find relief and feel better!July 26, 2021 at 7:49 pm #383492
Mango really loves his new food a lot and he has been eating more which I am all for because he has not been eating as much as I would like him to previously. The kind I got is “Nature’s Evolutionary Diet with Salmon”. Mango is part poodle so I thought he would like fish and it has other things that are helpful in it too for a strong immune system.
It made me really happy to read your post I am grateful to be helpful and make progress. I didn’t journal like I stated I would previously but felt that I was so busy with everything. I put self care last so I am hoping this weekend I implement a new routine to keep. I think having the momentum of eating well and having good sleep that gives way to making and sticking to a routine more feasible.
I have been thinking of making some sort of art to represent Turning a Blind Eye. Which is an odd saying. But in some ways I Feel like I don’t face a lot of my problems head on which is like turning the eye. But in other scenarios turning a blind eye can make one feel less sad. Like I do not google of bad things happening every day but I do know these things still occur.
I don’t thing there is ever such a thing as too much honesty but maybe honesty that isn’t gently delivered or asked for? I mean I feel like sometimes having honesty even when it isn’t asked for is probably good in some situations like if a friend wanted to know if they were being cheated on? And by honesty I don’t mean opinions but details. Being honest about what occurs. I don’t know but my mom use to make me write a 100 times I will not lie to my mother quite often because she always tend to think I was lying or hiding something because I would be so nervous. I would not write it word after word but in columns of letters and spaced out perfectly how many lines on each page I needed to write it on so I could tell myself where the finish line was. Because I held deep inside me my truth and it felt by participating in these act I was showing my mom I lied but I did not break the vacuum, tell my sibling to draw on walls, lose a hairclip on purpose, this wasn’t a mean punishment but having my truth made me so angry because no matter what I said would be believed leading me to feel powerless. Except in this way of being able to choose how I write the words.
I had an uncomfortable honest moment at work and can’t really talk about it here. But I am hoping that honesty isn’t met with anger.
Maybe by being honest and always being aware of truth then one can not be manipulated? Like if I was young in my core I would say I know I am good even though I am being told I am not based on how I am telling the truth. Or just that no one is inherently good or bad but maybe our behavior can be.
Anita I wanted to ask you what does living more courageously in life look like inn your perspective?
July 25, 2021 at 9:52 am #383424
- This reply was modified 16 hours, 39 minutes ago by Zeeza.
Yay inspiration and I very enjoy sharing and writing here and listening to your thoughts. I was thinking of writing in a journal More often so I can connect to understanding more. I use to write twice a day. And I think this well help when I look in retrospect of what set me off perhaps. Or what excitement I had for goals before I got depressed thinking I just need to do bare minimum.
Mango got sick from breakfast so I am changing his food he hasn’t been wanting the puppy how but cat food he can’t have so I got dog food with higher protein.
Did you enjoy the taproom recently?
ZeezaJuly 24, 2021 at 5:23 pm #383405
I think I finally picked a location that would be easy to move with my animals, affordable, and relatively safe. I called a bunch of places. I also realize this is not the ideal time of year to move with rent usually being the highest in the summer. So maybe I can find a place by September.
I recently put the mirror back out and Mango is barking at his reflection. I tell him dat you bud. He is silly.
I like the idea of this area because I had spent time there for community college and felt like that was the most positive mindset. It is about an hour from where I live now so it is not a drastic change to move to portland or out of state.
Thank you for helping me face reality clearly and succinctly. I do have moments where I am afraid to be alone and I have made it so with this pandemic and life events where I turn to my bf instead of others for things so I think this distance is needed.
I found a random love letter I wrote to myself for when I forget what makes me happy or who I am. It felt so foreign to find it and I don’t remember writing it. I also found a QA and I answered the question who are my heros? Casper, viktor frankl, and now in the present I would like to add Dear Anita. You have added so much compassion, empathy, and coping skills for Tiny Buddha I hope you know your Energy and Efforts are Appreciated.
I think I will start journaling again more regularly in one book so I can keep better track of gratitude and emotions. It seems like I stop communicating within and then explode with emotions? This thread has been a safe place to learn how to speak empathetically with myself and try to decipher logic within emotions. I am hoping to do more of this on my own so when we do catch up we can catch up as friends. I feel bad sharing so much and if I have a fear of being alone it is like I have a fear of being alone with myself because it can feel like a stranger.
I titled it Radiance
“Singing in the day is a familiar day indeed.
Playing the music mapped out in my mind of a spiritual home.
I do have enough time. My feelings and thoughts matter and I belong. I take good care of my animals and care deeply for my friends. I am enough. Failing forward to supernova growth.
Optimizing the tools and energy to love myself just as deeply. The traces of infinity is to let as much love in as one lets out. And of course to always remember that there are infinite possibilities and infinite perspectives and my heartmindbody fusion is the center of balance to discover my truth. In this wisdom I am protected. Bright blue light lucidly engraving the way. So I am writing this future love letter to myself. For those mornings or days I feel confused or emotionally numb. I will guide myself gently with the thoughtful plan and solutions I have created.
Time for reading loved books, Time to play with animals, color in gradients, create sticker art, and sewing my own expressions of empowered resilience.
I want to feel the blissful urgency of the sunrise expressing the crossover of now. The excitement of playing with my war paint (makeup*) in the morning and opening my body up to peace.The enthralling creativity of unraveling newness. Filling my stomach with love is to eat all the colors (veggies and fruits are colorful*). Laughing with a friends<3
I want to become a lighthouse of love rippling throughout space time. A safe place to heal. Even through the darkest days this fire burns always. I forgive myself and feel the spaciousness grow around me; to build new roads to travel.
My emotions are signals of connection. To change, radical acceptance, or communicate my yes and no. Share my valued voice.
My seeds, to plant, are almost ready. I have outlined the black and white logistics and aligned resources. The art business schedule can start when I feel crystal clear confidence. Unshakeable why and self-belief. Energy and power comes from our choice of beliefs. Our magic is in our deep rooted intentions. I intend to live courageously so when I die I give myself the greatest gift of all, an unchained soul. (fear didn’t hold me back*)
Or perhaps I practice more by myself being comfortable championing authenticity and compassion. Leaders lead by taking care. By making it safe to do so.
The universe speaks to me because I am also part of universe. ”
Thank you for listening Anita, I hope you are enjoying the sunny summer and your hands are healing well too.
July 23, 2021 at 9:00 pm #383345
- This reply was modified 2 days, 19 hours ago by Zeeza.
He even said he thought high rent was propaganda to reinforce a nuclear family.
When I say snapped I mean I really snapped at him and told him he was selfish and to F* off for trying to tell me what I do or don’t need. After I snapped at him all my anger turned inwards. He always is up late and I needed to sleep early for work. He came over the other day past midnight. I was crying a lot and apologized to him before at the time of incident but by the next day I was afraid to be alone with myself so I cried when he said he was leaving and then he feels ideas to surprise me by coming back at midnight the same day. It didn’t really comfort me because I had called down enough to go through the steps of how do I stop beating myself up and I wondered am I codependent?
I told him I am Sorry for snapping at him because it is my problem if your words affect me to that degree but I can set my boundary of what I will tolerate to hear. But in reflection I wonder if I am just seeing red or so depressed I am in Al or nothing thinking where I can only see negatives or if the negatives are true to the point where cancels out the positives. Like trying to make living in this current place feel ok.
Sorry to add to the list above but I felt like I needed to share these parts. It really feels out of character and I don’t know what set me off so specifically.
ZeezaJuly 23, 2021 at 8:37 pm #383342
Ever since the tank incident every fiber of my being is saying move as soon as possible. I tried looking for an article too but all I could find was the recent incident of assault and vandalism occuring by me on a crime map with the same time occurrence.
I having a really rough couple of days on my period and at first I had strong urges of self harm. I moved through this but the abusive voices got so loud in my head. I was angry at my bf for not staying on the phone with me while I was scared to walk mango, and for him ignoring my request while he was out doing errands I asked if he could pick one thing upwhoch was coils for my vape so I wouldn’t have a burnt coil. He didn’t directly tell me no but told me to go some place nearby which has no parking and I have been cramping so badly it is hard to stay standing for long.
My Central nervous system is feeling calmer. I tried contacting aunt’s ans they offered for me to get away for a month to sort it out.
The issue is I can only afford unsafe areas. And my bf isntvsomeone to live with because he will always want to live from home and he doesn’t want to pay rent.
I feel angry because he is really the only reason why I would stay in this area instead of moving out of state or closer near Portland like I had originally thought before I knew I could work remotely.
Mango is still as playful as ever. I missed his grooming appt and that was the beginning of my sneaky self hate spiral. We have an appt we’d and I am on a call list for any cancellations.
I even desperately made a post on a housing search site titled looking for safe place to live.
There was someone out at my window at night. My bf said he thought he was going to start a fire with a lighter and took his gun out and I am like you can’t be certain he could just want light to see and it freaked me out how escalated his mind went for that situation. He doesn’t seem to understand why I want to move and why my body is in so much pain. This is honestly one of the most rough cycles and finally got the option to only have 4 cycles a year instead of 12 a year.
I am very close to booking a flight to see my grandma in my home state. It is a reunion and she is so very old and I have the time off work. It is in an isolated area that I only have good memories of.
I guess my mind wanders of how would itvfeel to be loved in a way I want to be loved. And I am trying to use that undertone to decide where I want to live. It’s hard but it won’t be forever. I think as long as I can make the choice and find a place it will be ok.
ZeezaJuly 20, 2021 at 10:11 am #383130
I am glad you are still healing up and the taproom is open. Hopefully the new servers can blaze a new path.
The tank and police yesterday was scary I guess it had been going on for hours. I woke up too late to bring mango to his appt and I have a new place to view in an hour but I have a fat headache and I’ve been awake for an hour. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have All my wits about me until after 2 hours when I wake up.
I think I lost and share a lot of what bothers me of my bf some of it is paranoia and some of it is just wanting to ask him why doesn’t he want to listen to me to connect on an emotional level.
I told him I was scared to walk at night with Mango and asked him to stay in phone with me and he was like you got it I have to go… Which 10 min earlier he was just asking me if he could come over. Anyways he stays up until like 1-4am and I have to wake up early and he didn’t stay on the phone with me even though I was scared he was like you are fine why ? So it feels like he doesn’t care to understand me emotionally. When I went outside a car pulled up right where I was one sidewalk and made a unique illegal parking spot. Then the driver kept opening and shutting door then popped out finally to go to trunk. I didn’t stay long enough to find out why but I also now I can be paranoid but to be fair I saw a tank on my street just earlier in the day. It was blocking mangos favorite hill to play fetch on.
I am hoping both my hands heal and it doesn’t get to the point where I can’t take care of Mango or myself and I need tovrehom him and ask for help since my physically body isn’t the best.
I am trying but it makes me want to trust my bf less even when I really need support.
ZeezaJuly 19, 2021 at 6:37 pm #383111
I am seeing soooo much progress with Mango. He is calmer, happier and playfully listens which invites a lot of learning. I was able to have him sit and wait for a treat in front of a big dog. Afterwards he did bark frantically but was able to be calm enough to sit and wait maybe I could have had him wait longer. I feel like I am finally tiring him out enough were he is napping instead of constant need for play. Seems like going to new places and the mental stimulation is what tires him out.
I went to a nice park and an outdoor doggie friendly restaurant with cousins. It felt so good to see my cousins I only have good childhood memories with them but that was the last we saw each other was as kids so it was a fun reunion and we got an awesome photo of us with Mango. Mango did eventually calm down at restaurant instead of trying to wander and explore every direction. I took him on a run right before the food arrived so I think that helped, it was a very short little run.
The server was so sweet he kept coming back to check on Mango to see if he liked his unseasoned chicken. I play fetch with him inside and on walks. I hav set up the place to have the most distance to run with my old couch cushions in different spots for good jumping targets. Casper use to love those pillows as well mostly because it was helpful for him to lay completely flat.
My wrist hurt really bad whenever I have to pick up mango because he is so not calm on his leash. My previously injured hand is almost back to full pain at rest. I started noticing it a couple days ago where if I squeezed hard I would feel it and now I feel it at rest. I think my bruised wrist is getting better it is just weight that bothers me. So I am grateful Mango is trying very hard to listen to me, so I don’t need to hold anything tightly or hold him. Maybe one day he wont tug on leash. And Mango even had some time where he wasn’t super afraid of a skateboard. He would previously try to attack it but now he just walks along with my boyfriend. He really wants to skate with Mango. Mango gets a haircut tomorrow in the morning, then I am viewing a safer place.
Today towards the left of the street I am on it became blocked off by a bunch of police and a big tank and intercoms and they said the road was closed. walked up north to the next block and that was closed too. I couldn’t understand what they were saying over the intercom but it looked like a real safety situation of trying to catch someone dangerous. I just played fetch with mango where there was clean grass. A sweet woman with a flower garden said to please bring mango by when she has her grandson because he would love him. I thought this was sweet and mango did live with kids previously. I don’t know how well he is with them though. He has a new harness that has velcro and a clip. The velcro is to help it be fitted well. Mango is terrified of it and is timid each time I try to ask him to sit and give a paw so I can slide his harness on one arm at a time. There are things to learn when you are young but poor mango becomes afraid of the unknown often. Learning and emotional learning is a lot of repetition and I think the more he sees that there is nothing to be afraid of the calmer and better able to listen he will be.
I really like the scent Idea ! So far I have been trying to use food as new positive association. But he really loves my shoes. One of my sandals is a bit broken because of it but still wearable 🙂
It is really cute because after we get back from an adventure he goes to harry and then tries to find his fave toys and then sleeps. It is like he is checking if he still has awesome things to appreciate. It is really funny because I say mango no barking or you are going to go to house (his kennel) if he hasn’t listened to no barking a couple of times. He stops immediately. The few times I have asked him to go to his house I have never locked his door but asked him to stay. Or if he is playfully running away when I am asking him to come I go into the bathroom and remove my attention and then ask him to come and then he will listen.
Work also gave me a kudos for being observant, detail oriented, and having perseverance.
How is the taproom Anita? How are you these days?
July 16, 2021 at 9:36 am #382974
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Zeeza.
I think it would be more doable if I moved anywhere else so walks aren’t so stressful and if I had a bigger place it would even easier to be fetch inside. I did find one listing I want to call today. They have a back deck too so Harry can enjoy some plants as well. This place is slightly out of my budget by my raise I am 5 dollars short for the income requirements but I also don’t have full 40 hours because other people start earlier than me so there is only so much work left.
These are the special needs Mango has that I need to help with:
Anxiety of people and big dogs
Boundless energy because of his age I should really run a mile with him or walk him 40 min in morning and evening and my mornings have been dedicated to him I need to shower after this post but I usually end up putting off my own self care to help him in the mornings so he is calm while I work. I take him out before bed so truly at the 8 hour mark he can’t go much longer.
Seperarion anxiety- he is ok if I am in the other room (bathroom) but when I leave to do laundry or anything small he cries loudly.
My body is covered in bruises from playing with mango. He likes to pounce on me or play mouth me. I have no punctures just covered in bruises so I need to teach him how to be more gently.
Thank you for your kind words Anita my wrist is okay and not as injured as I thought it would be just really hurt at first so that is a relief.
Mangos barking at cat or things going by has improved but still needs work. He barks at the cat to ask for play time
Mango is like a big dog in a little dogs body And he deserves the best. I don’t think I will feel guilty if I can physically keep up with him. And I would be less stressed if I had more space in general like a bedroom to close the door for 5 min instead of a tiny bathroom.
I feel like if I exhaust every option and also recognize he is a teenager this will be the hardest phase once we get passed that I think things will be different.
ZeezaJuly 15, 2021 at 12:45 pm #382921
Thank you I tried really hard to make yesterday a good day which is why I became so sad with the series of events.
First I got a bit angry at the pet store because I was frustrated from lack of communication with my bf. We weren’t walking together so Mango would start to cry if one of us was out of sight which was hard for him especially with exposure to pet store. It was hard to check out because he wanted to buy way more than I did and went off during check out to grab more stuff and I have a brace on one hand and a shrieking dog in the other with treats because I was trying to make it a positive experience.
anyways we get to the beach and find a private area for mango. He shrieked at some big dogs and I tried asking him to sit and rewards because there can’t be fear with food I guess. Mango did like at least 20 reps of fetch I was worried of over exercise but he was all for it.
I started to cry heavily because it reminded me of Casper being at the beach and how he would have the same mannerisms it was too much on my heart I started crying.
then my bf just took mango to go on a floater and I am like hey what about me like could you please communicate we are going on floaters now? And I just was too upset I went back to my log to clam down and watched beautiful geese land in the water perfectly. I thought the geese understand there love keeps them in sync.
anyways I thought mango was too scared on floatie he was shrieking and asked to take him off so his first experience isn’t too much.
I now have mango on a leash he goes o no to float and mango goes into the water toward him I’m trying to walk to keep up in water. The leash is as extended as possible it is a retractable leash. My bf just undoes the leash and it hits me square on the side of my wrist. It hurt so bad I cried and put cream on it and it is swollen. I cried because I didn’t want both hands to hurt I didn’t want this to happen and it’s pretty swollen right by my ulna bone. I ask him to help pack up so we can ice and he is just video recording dog. We finally get into car and I am like I want ice cream for this and tell my friend I don’t think I can drive for an hour with both my hands hurting. And he says he wants s burger and orders there and something for me and I am like ok can we just stop at a gas station go get ice cream and he is like none are near and we went straight to burger place. He started eating in car I couldn’t eat with my hand and dog in my lap I asked him if we were going to stop and he was like oh I guess we could and I am like just take me to my car since we were close enough anyways. I felt invisible I told him that and he said we just haven’t been on the same page today. I told him I don’t blame him for the leash injury but it hurts how I was treated afterwards. Now I feel like I was just making a big deal out of nothing I got home and had ice cream at home but I was afraid of driving with my hands. At first it looked like s bee stung me on the side of my wrist and I had pain at the base of my elbow. I remember him saying you can text so why can’t you eat with both hands? When I asked if he was pulling over.
anyways Mango got a bath. I am so sad I am also getting closer to period but I got all packed up to not go. Work has implemented ideas I suggested for communication but I am still getting ignored I clocked out because for an hour I have been asking how can I help and trying to figure it out.
I don’t think I am right for Mango because I am so sad so if missing Casper. He is more high energy then Casper was for exercise and it’s hard to be a calm leader. Seeing how my bf played with him made me feel like I didn’t understand what Mango needed I felt left out. So I am wondering what would be best for Mango? Maybe a home with a yard and another friend he can be friends with instead of a sleep kitty? Maybe someone who isn’t sad or anxious all the time?
it would be so sad to see him go but still sad to feel like I fail him and I just want this bruising to heal.
I can bend my wrist on it is just twisting it that really hurts.
July 14, 2021 at 10:56 am #382858
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Zeeza.
Yes thank you for helping me try to be calm and see clear. I was worried I was paranoid which is why I wrote it out here.
Instead of accusing I sent him an article about positive reinforcement training and asked him what he thought about it. And he was like yeah same stuff you are saying do you want a summary? And I am like no I wanted to know your thoughts why are you being passive aggressive? If you are angry please tell me upfront why instead of asking me if I want a summary. And then he told me he hated reading and I said ok that makes sense if I want to share ideas and stuff with you then video form is better? Etc.
It feels like life is aligning by me telling my bf no I had time to take care of things instead of him coming over to tell me to take care of things. And instead of waiting for him to show up to do stuff or coordinate I was assertive and asked him what hour block we can meet.
I work from home so I thought it will be okay to spend the night at a friend’s and visit. This friend was one who I visited when my hand was injured and she helped me to do laundry safely. I would just buy laundry detergent for them. They have a little dog mango might like and kids . He grew up with kids and they said he loved them. There will be a quiet room we can go to while I work on computer. Being there helps me wake up earlier because the kids are up.
So after the beach today with bf I’ll go see friend with Mango or maybe he will stay with bf since bf is going on a hike tomorrow and I maybe jumped to conclusions yesterday.
Also my cousins who I haven’t seen in over a decade are coming to Seattle and we are going to meet up Friday. Yesterday I spent time with the neighbor I guess what I am saying is I don’t feel isolatee from people and I got stuff done so I don’t feel like my life is chaotic.
I hope to give people art! Or stickers. Maybe I’ll make some stickers today I have a couple hours. Before we head to the park.
ZeezaJuly 13, 2021 at 6:57 pm #382842
I am almost done washing everything from towels to bedding and it will be nice to have it all done and finish cleaning.
I don’t know if I being paranoid but I told my bfv I don’t want to get together today. Beforehand if was making the point again how we need to give Mango commands not bad dog. Like when he is barking my bf would just say shut up and I am like excuse me he needs cue words. Like no he understands no. Anyways he said he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and would be hard for him not to which made me angry like would not listen to me because I’ve said this before. He needs direction not scolding.
I remember him asking me if yelling mango would get him to stop barking. And I said no because you are basically barking with him.
What I am suspicious about is how he told me how he has marks on his wrist from mango accidentally knocking his teeth on him. as a pup he sometimes mouths you I redirect him to his toys. What made a red flag go up in my head was him saying it hurts and he has actual wound because I have never had a wound from mango knocking into me surface level marks just from when he jumps that heal within a dayish. He is getting his nails trimmed soon.
He also told me he was making the bed and he accidentally knocked his hand onto mangos head and I asked him if he said sorry and he said dogs don’t understand and I am like yes they do they know how you feel.
Anyways I am seriously paranoid that he is telling me half truths or something. I remember on night waking up and he woke up before I did to help comforr Casper and I pop my head up and he was saying to Casper as he was coughing that I will take you out with a machete. I was like wow wow Casper no one is going to do that to you bud and he immediately stopped coughing when I said this and awakened. He offered to help euthanasa Casper and I am like no that is illegal and why do you think you’ll do a betterr job than the vet and then he went to say that he doesn’t trust vets that when he saw his dogs get out down it didn’t look painless.
I wrote that comment off as he is sleep deprived and angry and no one is perfect because I would get frustrated too and calm down in the bathroom but I never had that thought towards Casper.
All of this is making me think that something isn’t right… So that is why I tried taking to him about it and he was like okay I got to go and we never finished so I just said let’s get together tomorrow.
ZeezaJuly 13, 2021 at 2:37 pm #382838
Thank you for your patience and I am so sorry about my typos and posting in the wrong thread. I think I need to slow down a little.
The meet and greet went well he was friendly to my neighbor who gave him a treat and she brought her little dog. At first Mango Zeeza Maltese (awesome name!) was not the calmest but we sat down on the grass together and talked and he calmed down eventually and if he became more anxious I would sit further away.
My neighbor shared her experiences with adopting and training dogs and let me borrow a dog whisperer show set to watch. She also let me borrow a dog bark remote that flashes lights and lets out a sound to help stop barking and then reward after not barking. I put my ear to the device and I could hear the sound it isn’t loud but it is high pitch so I don’t think it is mean to use? Since I can hear the tone and volume I thought I could judge how intense it is.
Yes asking mango to sit was the main theme in the meeting and sometimes he would and other times he wouldn’t so I would guide his butt to sit and then he would stay seated and be rewarded. He eventually laid down on the grass and we could have a conversation and then he would get worked up and then we would repeat the process.
Thankfully we have a controlled environment to work our way to it.
So I am going to try to get some laundry done which will be practice for mangos seperation anxiety.
I have hope that I can do right by h and it motivates me to try to be as calm and healthy as I can and to not get stuck in a loop of I can’t and I am not enough.
I hope you enjoy the sun today and your walk is peaceful.
July 13, 2021 at 11:15 am #382833
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Zeeza.
Hello everyone I am so sorry for my ignorance and posting here please forgive me.July 13, 2021 at 11:06 am #382831
I did tell him that but I don’t know if I trust him he said he wanted to take him on a hike when I am working and meet his friends older dogs who are calm but I don’t know how much I trust him honestly.