Menu

Zeeza

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 495 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #385285
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I could break my lease and move in at my friends and put most stuff in storage unit. Until I figure out where I am moving or what is going on. They have plenty of room and a dog friend for Mango. Harry could hang it in th big laundry room for peace away from kiddos.

    I just really don’t want to go back to my studio apartment that feels unsafe.

    #385284
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I see my ex at 3pm today so he can grab his stuff and I can have the rest of mangos stuff.

    Not looking forward to it trying my best to not go backwards in my head he messaged me like we didn’t break up or go no contact for a week. He said he was sorry my dogs get bruised in his van but I don’t buy it mangos ears are bruised.

    After we meet I will go back to my friends house. He was asking me to go camping or go for a walk and I said no. It didn’t work out we are rude to each other. I was rude to him last week when I said I feel like I am going to cry when I was at airport. And he just said aweeeeee all patronizing like so I said shut up and hung up. When I was crying when I first found mangos bruises and said to myself what do I do?? He said get in the fuc**ing shower. And I was like don’t talk down to me like that so yes it is over no going back just need to grab stuff.

    I passed out early last night eating cake and watching judge Judy. Glad I didn’t have any break ups like that. Especially not being stuck in a lease with him.

    I’m glad the sun is shining and your hand is doing better Anita. I look forward to imaging what life will be like free of crazy making behavior from boyfriend’s.

    I do believe I am codependent. I don’t know how to just look for approval from myself and not look to others to shape my perspective it’s like I am so use to handing my power over.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #385251
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Definitely not going back. I am sitting outside the fenced in yard with hair dye in with a bag over my head hahaha. Hoping for new changes. I don’t know how to be single in my mind it’s like I am always looking for someone I could crush on. But I think being single for awhile could help me build immunity to bullies. I don’t know if it is being single that is hard for me or just not having a controlling personality in my life. Like my way best friend, then stp man, and then this ex. It’s like I need to somehow not give that much power away or become blind to it.

    Here’s to new beginnings. How are you these days Anita? Hand feeling better?

    Zeeza

    #385109
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes I think he is a bully disguising it as humor. One of my coworkers feels like a bully too because I ask a question about being confused and he answered with exclamation points.

    I tried to let it roll off my back and no take it personal but it still shook up my stress response. Hopefully it is all good.

    I hope you have the best day Anita!

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #385040
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Mango and I had a full night’s sleep and he seems more comfy here now at night.

    Hope you have a wonderful day

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #385030
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It was hard to sleep last night because mango isn’t use to sounds so I would take him outsideto calm down but he seems more adjusted. He loves loves playing with the kids. I don’t want him to get overwhelmed thouh so he get play time breaks and a fenced yard. I have a tub fill of toys for him and my friend who was watching Harry sent a video of them playing together, so Harry isn’t lonely.

    Anita my ex did think it was funny when I cried because of Casper’s poops the fall before the winter of Casper’s passing. I think he thinks pain is funny.. He also did grab my throat tootightly and made it hurt for days afterwards while. But I keep Thinking saying all accidents. I said he could touch my neck but no squeeze it. And when that happened I didn’t break up with him until we had an argument about MLK being a failure I don’t now I am never going back with him again. But this random accidents don’t just all happen. Makes me sad to think 8 months after I started seeing him Casper crossed over, Casper was elderly but I remember back then it bothered me how he tried to tell me what I do wrong as a pet parent, I don’t what to think to deeply but want to at least look at the time line of it all.

    So hard to lose casper injure hands that coincendentally happened after seeing him , go to my home state, and have mango bruised like history on repeat but I am not falling apart I am able to keep focus on positive change. I am able to get out of fear state and face truth.

    My dominant hand more of my wrist is bothering me the other leash injury is almost fully healed. I hope your wrists heal soon Anita. Sometimes it feels easier to process physical pain as tangible versus emotional pain. I am gratecul to enjoy today and hope to be fully preent to enjoy tomorrow’s as well and share joy. Sometimes I think my positivity is delusional thinking like me thinking my ex is kind and cares . It is wanting to think the best versus truth. Sometimes I feel like when I worry if is selfish because I could be spending energy in other ways I don’t know how to explain it..

    Best wishes,

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Zeeza.
    #384993
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I made it to my friends place. Went to two different places to try to get mango seen the first place was randomly closed the second place was already at capacity for a walk-in vet clinic at 11am.

    My aunt who has a vet as a friend contacted her and got advice. Can only treat pain and my aunt offered to send ointment for it. For abuse cases of is hard to prove without video unless it is a near death like Casper which couldn’t be explained by like getting hit by a car. Anyways vet friend said to help mango mentally to keep trust fun and love.

    The kids plays and love mango and they keep accidentally calling him Casper on accident too.?which is understandable I point out mnagoew orange ears and says this is mango and yes I miss Casper too.

    It really hurt my hand to pack up my car today. But I did it and have it set up to stay for a week. My friends I am staying with are moving to East coast in the same town of one of my aunts. I was very frustrated mango couldn’t be seen but I guess there is a vet shortage in the state since we have extra hoops for vets to jump through if they move here? At least that is what a neighbor was saying.

    Sir Harry likes the friend who will visit him so far, my ex only contact was him offering to bring mangos crate right after I posted here. I said not today but at some point. He needs to get his stuff too. I don’t want to be alone with him. He isn’t outwardly angry and he helped think of the name for Mango so it is mentally hard. Part of me feels to handicapped for Mango. If I make it work and having the kids play fetch and run with him is great. I think I am going to fall asleep early.

    I am only concerned he knows if he looks through my history or if I may have accident left a tab open my thread tab open.

    I don’t think he cares about break up or he doesn’t believe it because we have done this before break up and get together. I don’t know but I am seriously considering moving out of state so I don’t get stuck in this cycle of dating guys who aren’t good and then feeling like I have no one I can call for help. Somehow it all worked out for me right now by being at my friends though we never are truly alone.

    It takes a lot to bruise a dog because their skin is so thick they don’t normally get bruises from rough housing. Mango ran into a tree trunk when I first got him and his head didn’t bruise. But he did have much more fluffy hair to protect him idk. It is so hard because my ex would take videos of him and act like he really does like him. Butango has bruises and he did says he wants tired of being responsible for him while I was gone. It just doesn’t make sense big even if he didn’t still need to break up. I think I wanted a sanity check at vet to say they are bruises. They are though and most people who see him in person agree. Blue on his right hear I think is what bothers him most.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #384943
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    emotions are catching up with me deep sadness for mango and frustration of history on repeat. I tihnk maybe I need to start a new thread or something I really do appreciate it but I don’t want to be history on repeat anymore.

    I keep thinking of the lyrics even in these chains you can’t break me. I get my car very soon. the plan is to leave tomorrow morning to walk in vet clinic as soon as they open so we can be first. I Am afraid that if it is bruises last time casper was held for evidence for a month because it is a crime. Casper’s injuries were much more severe near death injuries so it was a felony if he did die but he survived. Thanks to miracle vets and miracles. and poor mangos head where his ears start is all I can think on. so when we go to vet and it is bruises an investigation will start.

    when I ended it with him I just texted him that I can’t trust and etc can’t untie him in my mind to mango and bruises and might move out of state. He said just do what you gotta do. SO I don’t think he will stalk me like the STP man kind of did with incessant messages and following in my car when I tried to leave. that won’t happen.and hopefully when my friend is staying here my ex can come pick up his stuff.  but was mostly numb and now it feels heavy and I think I will feel relieved after vet and going to friends house.

    I talked to my aunts and told them what I think is happening and my plan. they were supportive and asked how they could help and I said to please keep in touch I just don’t want to be alone in this and they tried to remind me that it isn’t my fault.

    It feels like I shared pictures of what i thought was a bruises and my friend agreed. the friend who IAm about to visit so I am less paranoid that I can’t trust my judgement.

    my aunt also brought up that he didn’t offer to help take mango to vet or ask about it or notice my car still parked at work knowing. I could of paid an uber but it seems like a waste of 50 dollars so. Idid catch a ride. but even if he didn’t hurt mango he isn’t there for me in other ways like that.

    Thank you or being there for me anita. What a wammy to go to home state and then poor mango. also I think and fear what if he knows this is my thread like from using my computer while I was gone? I don’t know what kind of precautions to take but if you can injure an animal I believe one is capable of much more.

    I will be safe I feel like once I leave. and it feels weird like I don’t want people to know whats going on because I Feel so shame but I am letting people know anyways because I don’t want to become paralyzed by self denial.

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #384897
    Zeeza
    Participant

    dear anita,

    I found a walk in clinic for mango that we can go to Wednesday. the tattoo I was thinking medusa. Having medusa on my side feels safe.

    I am starting to feel less powerless by this opportunities opening up.

     

    #384896
    Zeeza
    Participant

    dear Anita,

    why were you awake so early? Is it harder to sleep?

    within 24 hrs I Am going to be ready to spend a week with a friend and her kittens and I have someone who can watch harry while I am gone.

    I called two vet places most are booked until the 21st. I feel like I will have peace of mind after he sees vet. might have to walkin urgent care to be seen.

    I want to break up with my bf because I feel like I am his punchline when emotional. IDK it dooesn’t cheer me up and maybe can just write it off as we don’t have the same sense of humor. I can’t want to see him after wondering and thinking he might of bruised mango even if he didn’t it is burned into my mind. I can’t unfeel it. and I can’t trust that it is or isn’t so.

    Mango has been more cuddley and wants to be in my lap more than ever before.

    I feel like I have to ask permission and be logical to break up with bf but I don’t trust him and I feel bad for hurting him by breaking up.

    If I move closer to friends in september it will be easier to stay broken up. He is still a friend but it feels like an illusion. being mean isn’t cancelled out by being nice sometimes.

    I will do my best to complete my todo list and take care of animals. the only thing that is scary is truth I may never know. I showered and it had been a couple days and honestly hadn’t brushed my hair for 4 days. It feels way better to fix this and care for myself I need to stop doing this to myself. It will feel so good to complete my to do lists and take care. I think that is another reason it is hard because bf tries to do things that are hard for me to do like carry big things. I can survive on my own or learn to ask others for help.

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #384774
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    We do have an air filter and you reminded me last night to close my window I forgot to close it to keep it cooler and smoke out. I woke up and my first clutter narrative thought was my mind is losing it going crazy with a deep sigh. And I cancelled this thought out by not believing it and thinking I am just going through some healing: because I am not self harming and I am talking about it and fear had no longer complete my hijack my brain.

    And I am able to successfully wake up early again. I did fall asleep later so I have maybe 6.5 hours of sleep and no coffee. I would just waking to a has station but if I leave mango he would bark and wake everyone. I might have some delivered but seems expensive. I have groceries being delivered this evening.

    So I have a friend of a friend I met and they need a place to stay before moving into new bought condo. My other friend just had kittens and they are moving to East coast soon. I use to nanny for this family. The person who needs housing is kind and to trade free housing he said he can give Harry love and watch him so I can take my work stuff and mango and spend a week at my friend’s while someone watches Harry. He has a pet snake python that is also needing temp home. So I welcomed him and snake can rest on my art desks I’ll just Move everything off. I will leave on 18th. So I do have a wish come true a way to leave somewhere safe and be with loved ones.

    I am thinking of tattooing over self harming scars and maybe a base of my throat tattoo with an om symbol. My scars are my hip to the top of my right boob which is what bothers me most. A scars reminding me of battles lost I want to see if as battles won because no more scars.  An om symbol to speak of peace and a reflection that my voice is valued I value my voice.

    Mango likes to push his nose on my thigh when I am sitting like a little push to say hi I want to play or come onto your lap. It is really cute and way better than play biting lol .

    I am grateful to share experiences with you Anita and I hope we can take deep breaths to open space in our hearts for future gratitude.

    I hope we have the best day we can. It already feels empowering to be awake so early I’ll try to find some coffee.

    Best wishes,

    Zeeza

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
    #384755
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    mango ate breakfast and seems more cuddley which might be because I was gone for a bit. when I inspect that area he doesn’t seem to respond to much to it. I thought give him bath and see if it is just something on his fur? I asked bbf again about what could of happened and that maybe some blood condition or something is going on and he was saying when he went to pick me up air airport he slammed on breaks and the backpack switched spots with mango so a big backpack might of knocked him then. It is his ears and side.

    Yes I think wyoming might be hard because there is snow and I haven’t had a snowy winter since i lived in my home state so I am not sure how that will sit with my ptsd.

    I woke up at 5am and started work early I think I might be able to follow this new pattern. It makes life a lot easier to finish earlier. I don’t have an appt for mango yet or my hand. I think I might be able to get a vet appt scheduled today bbut noot my hand it is saturday.

    Today it felt like all the clutter narration in my mind was silenced and I had more space to focus and redirect a calm breath. He still is less energetic than usual but seems to be in good spirits.

    How are you feeling Anita?

    best wishes

    zeeza

     

    #384662
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Mango seems to be more lethargic but he lets me explore the area of discoloration without much of a reaction. He did play fetch a little indoors and it is hot out but he hasn’t eaten much of his regular food just treats. It is pretty cool temp in this apartment though. I think I am concerned about the side bruising I don’t think it is normal for a dog to bruise which is why I asked bf if he fell or something. He was on a liner to go outside in a yard and come back in.

    I am seriously considering packing all things and animals and heading to wyoming and keeping my remote job. I don’t know how mango got these bruises I believe they are and no I had not noticed before and his hair is really short somewhat growing a bit but he recently got a summer cut.

    I need to take him to vet, break lease, pack things. Will take two days to drive. I have a friend who can help me move and i can mail some things and animals can travel with me and I have a friend’s place I can stay at wyoming and most likely find affordable housing within the month.  I have known this friends for 8 years and before pandemic visited twice a year and try to stay in touch. It is 14 hour drive. Can do this on my weekend hopefully.

    tryin to offer mango food but he didn’t eat it. He looked like he ate some dirt based on some bathroom business.

    I am just really scared and seeking safety. I don’t know if bf did this or a relative or if he hurt himself on the line bbut I am scared and stressed and trying to make good choices. I need sleep I honestly think I will sleep after this message. I hope you are well anita and you enjoy the taproom.

    best wishes

    zeeza

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
    #384646
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I couldn’t stop crying and I am so over tired I just didn’t trust myself to work so I just stopped.

    I was crying because I felt shame like I. Bad last night and tried to calm down.

    What made me cry to hard today that was my stopping point was bruises on mango. At the base of his ears and on his side. Bf said he would hold his head if he tries to play bite. Also mango does run into things but it triggered me to Casper’s moment of being hurt.

    During trip gram would go from telling me how I disappoint her to saying I am sweet. Her health and lack of willingness to recieve help is hard. She has IBS but denies it. She had skin cancer I saw it and she said she doesn’t need it removed. It was hardest after over 10 years I finally see these people and try to pretend I belong but I didn’t go to some fancy school and become a doctor I am the odd one out and questions were raised. There was a lot. But I did try to have fun and my aunts were suppprtive. They told me my grandma has always been kind of mean and one of my aunts therapist said grandma is a narcissist because she can never be wrong ever. Grandma loves Casper and she does not like animals and Casper touched her heart. It was hard for me to wrap my head around this because I went from abusive mom to live with gram who was more peaceful but still a kind of world we’re love is conditionap and I am bait and switch like a compliment to a put down.

    I was breakig down because I can’t sleep and don’t know what to do and bf was like start by taking a fu**ing shower. I only vpidl take one shower there because there was water shortage and no showered allowed.

    I also said I am thinking of tattoo I need to remind me to always love myself and not believe what people tell me and he just says get a trampv stamp that says exit only and I cried at this like I told him that it hurt and he was like yeah makes sense you cry a lot coming back. He cleaned the place he tried getting food set up for me and I was just so angry I had a hard time being present last night. I watched a video and asked him how he was bit I was angry as bout having to pretend or try to be loveable to family. Pretend that I belong.

    He is annoyed with me and that was why he was being mean. When I saw mango at first I asked him to get off my lap because I needed space )I just hopped into the car) and then invited him back and hugged him and he was so sleepy but I feel awful my first thing I said to him was off.

    Anita his bruises on his ears break my heart. I wish I had first thing told him yay I love you instead of off but I needed to buckle my seat belt and drink water and I was over stressed I feel bad but I am so confused on life.

    I don’t know how to trust anything or anyone right now it is like everything is in question except mango and Harry and tiny Buddha. When I finally got to my bed last night we call snuggled .

    I want to take him to vet to see if something else is going on to make his ears bruise like that lol is something in his ears?

    I wish I could say I was a better person but I feel like I failed in many ways. Why couldn’t I just be happy and welcoming and chill when all mango wanted to do was hop in my lap first thing but I put him on his dog bed by guiding him with his harness so I could buckle in instead of hugging him first thing I did hug him after wards and he rode in my lap the whole time after that.

    I just feel like my mind is beating me up like emotional flashback of shame and I am trying to correct actions make it more about guilt and change. But it’s hard to have focus.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
    #384630
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I made it back. I had no wifi and hardly any cell service so it was hard to reach out for support. It was a rough trip and I am glad it is over some good moments but I have been crying this morning and just really PTSD stressed and trying to come back to the moment. I’m glad it is over with. I will write more soon and I hope you are well. It’s good to be back I think.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 495 total)