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Zeeza

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 195 total)
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  • #346420

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for thinking of me ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel cared for. I am being gentle with myself. I ordered a summer dress on sale and it came in the mail and I am wearing it while cleaning lol. It is the softest dress ever. I am trying to take self care as being mindful in how my body feels and how I want to create my space. Doing my best for spring cleaning and staying focused on the present.

    I messaged my mom that I did not want to hear or see anything in regards to him and I hope that you and the family stand in love and heal. That I unfriended her so I don’t have to see or hear about it.

    She never responded but read the message. So the scary confrontation I thought I would have has turned into silence which is far more peaceful. It seems like we are both done with each other.

    I spent last night crying and just kind of empathizing with myself. How hard I tried to be a good girl and how hard I try to keep smiling even when life seems to fall apart. I still try to sort through beliefs that are helpful and ask myself what direction I want to go down. I try my best to listen to myself instead of stuffing it all down.

    There was a song that came on at work that reminded me of him and I started to cry and took a break. It was hard to show emotions around people but all I could say was someone I grew up with passed away a couple days ago and this song reminds me of that person.

    I feel more distant from it all now. Like I can zoom out and see that I am so grateful my life is no longer wrapped with that story anymore. I really do feel like my mother hates me. Like it is easier to give up the hope she loves me.

    I can’t understand why people try to intimidate and be mean when you try to set boundaries. It lis like my feelings don’t matter and I am being scared into shutting up.

    To self discipline myself I think do I want to build a life worth living? do I want to love and appreciate each moment as it’s own? Then let’s do XYZ in the smallest steps. Slowly but surely. Instead of rage that would meet me if I failed at being “perfect”

     

    * potential trigger warning *

    In response to your previous post I do think I can see how what my mom has done was designed to shame me about my body.She would throw away clothes my grandma bought me because she thought they were inappropriate. That one time she made me take my shirt off in front of her boyfriend saying you want men to look at you well now they are. When she gave me a bbloody nose the next day, the night previously she hated my tank top I was wearing while reading a book. I had this tank top for years and now she threw it away. I wore baggie carpenter pants and I became so tired of trying to wear shirts where my mom could become mad about that I just always had a sweatshirt on. I remember wearing a sweatshirt in the summer and feeling comfortable because I had become so use to always wearing a sweatshirt. I wasn’t allowed to wear my hair down and if I did my mom told me she had people watching me at school who would tell her what I was doing.

    I think that is why it is so empowering to wear this dress and be comfortable in it. My body is about my boundaries. I now have long hair and I wear it down when I am not in the lab. I think this anxiety medication and working with you on this very thread has helped me immensely in making choices that help me cope instead of continuing to hurt myself. Letting go of thoughts that poison my mind and spirit.

    How are you these days Anita? I hope you are finding beautiful moments.

    #345874

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will respond more fully when i am able to absorb your post. Thank you for sharing with me and I hope you have a beautiful day.

    #345666

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I went to log in and his biological daughter from years ago is now trying to add me. I logged into the media to try to delete and remove and it is a can of worms of the past I don’t want to deal with nor do I have to.

    Okay I held my hand over the screen and untagged myself without seeing any images and removed my mom from my friends list. I haven’t spoken to my mom at all. and I don’t even want to deal with that confrontation. Because I know she is going to be like how can you be so cold? or something. She will say anything to get me to stay quiet.

    At least I can objectify the past as thinking of it only on this webpage and I am unclicking it because this isn’t a part of my story now.

    Why do I have to be dragged into this to have to face his daughter who I only know from when I was like 5. She lived in Florida after that. I don’t want to face this. He was a father figure to my brother and the biological father to my youngest. It is best I just keep myself far away from them. I think that is what my mom means about negativity.

    A part of me was like oh well maybe my mom is “not fully getting it” and she doesn’t understand how I don’t want to hear or see him. But no she knows. That was the whole reason why I stopped talking to her for a year until my ex friend contacted her. Why did she have to tag me?

    I feel angry and then sad and disgusted because I can’t even think of his existence and I don’t have to.

    “-If you choose to not have contact with your mother, I hope that itโ€™s not only for the purpose of not availing yourself to a her mentioning of that man, but for the purpose of you not availing yourself to her hurting you more, and more.”

    She will just keep hurting me because I am suppose to pretend that it is all okay and it just drives the pain in my heart further. And it is painful to lose my brothers. The one I grew up with won’t speak with me. So I have been grieving the loss of my family for 11 years and I feel like this isn’t news to me. This is just another representation of how much I am on the “outside” to them.

    And when my ex-friend did contact my mom she told my mom what I could remember and what was weird like the physical flashbacks I would have but no narrative memory to it. I don’t know if she told my mom about the nightmares I use to have and how I can only sleep on my stomach to feel safe. But my friend has shared what I have shared with her. My mom doesn’t believe me because I can’t say what happened specifically. She thinks I am a liar.

    It is hard for me because this is why I avoid anything and everything that could possibly connect or remind me of him because I don’t want to remember. The last time I was triggered by the past in regards to him was that professor with the eyes and tone.

    I think this is why I have struggled too because if I could say hey look at this injury he caused it.

    A wound that would be visible. maybe that is why I need to make more art. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

    *Potential trigger warning*

    I know I woke up with my pants off. I know I hated to take my clothes off as a kid so much so my mom would yell at me why I wouldn’t take my underwear off and I would try to always shower with a bathing suit on. I know I am also afraid of him because of all the violence he would do to my mom and the house. I know he did things to my aunt in her sleep. He taught me how to make peanut butter cookies. I can’t make peanut butter cookies it is sickening like I feel gross because he was a father figure in some ways. Never really always there because he was in and out of jail. But I have those childhood memories I wish I didn’t have with him and I feel like he was a really sick person who is now at rest and died without ever telling the truth. It just makes me sad bbecause my mom was always the most angry and mean on christmas. And one christmas he had a lot of presents for us an my mom was fighting and he was sad and he just wanted us all to have a good christmas. He would cry. I would be dad too because i just wanted to have a good family to and it isn’t my fault.

    #345570

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    When I am able to strongly go through my social media I will remove my mom and anything relating to that. My family and mom is posting about him and I woke up to being tagged to photos of him and immediately as fast as I could look away from my phone.

    And after removal I will tell her I am not trying to bring negativity but I don’t want to hear or see anything about him.

    I have been using mindfulness skills up the Yin Yang but I worry about going back to my social media or texts to be able to enforce boundaries. Right now my boundaries are that I am a ghost to it all. Out of sight out of mind. Thank you for helping to learn how to respect myself. I am mad she tagged me in a memorial post. She knows I am afraid of him. She knows I don’t want to hear or talk about him but she is like no negativity but…. I am not negative I am honest. My needs and wants aren’t negativity.

    #345368

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right. Part of emotional healing is understanding oneself and setting boundaries and doing what one can to improve circumstances. I am cleaning and trying to focus on what is right in front of me. I have to have courage to grow.

    #345344

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am crying because my mom texted me that the man who abused me and her growing up passed away from chemo and the virus combined and I didn’t want to know and my mom just told me please no negativity this happened and he was a part of our lives and his son is devastated.

    And I am freaking out because a part of me is relieved and another part of me feels so much guilt because I have blocked out so many memories of him and try to forget his existence altogether and it is my fault he wasn’t close to the family anymore and I am so sickened. He would stand up for me when my mom was too harsh. He was a bad man but these times confuse me.

    Why during hard times like the virus I feel like I still worry about my abusers like my mom andย  I am going to try my best to distract. This is so weird and I am sorry.

    I really should have a better routine I have a hard time being patient with myself.

    #345280

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry for the delayed response today I had a weird flashback and coped well and I didn’t self harm. But I became the little girl who was hiding in the closet as the house was torn apart kind of flash back. Waiting for it to be safe again. And to the times when I wondered when someone would come back I felt so alone. I cried a lot and sang my way through it like I have been singing my whole life. I don’t know how it started. I was listening to music and trying to wake up. I read the posts and couldn’t truly understand your words. Now that I am calmer I can understand way better, actually very clearly now. You are very wise Anita. I wish healing didn’t feel like a loop feelings of the past. But each time I run through it is a chance to heal and reshape my sense of self and life. I am still coming to terms with understanding complex PTSD and repeated trauma. I was withdrawn a lot growing up and people noticed. I don’t like dissociation I mean no one does but I don’t want life to terrify the essence out of me. I want to be resiliant and resiliant with others. How can I become more resiliant? It takes time slowly but surely.

    I think you would be brilliant with the development of vaccines. That does sounds like a good overall summary. Reverse transcriptase is needed with the transcription factor at the binding site because it is an enzyme. This enzyme is essential. An enzyme is like a lock and key process. the protein (transcription factor) is the key and the enzyme (reverse transcriptase) as the lock. I am a very visual learner and I don’t know if you are? But I found being able to actually see the process is very useful and Kahn academy is a free great reference for many subjects.

    I wish I had more available brain space toย  problem solve instead of just trying to cope with intense wave of emotions.ย  Trying to be patient and not get mad at myself for being the way I am. I wonder if I am not doing enough for emotional healing. I need to follow through with a healing plan so my inner child doesn’t feel abandoned.

    #344912

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have never tried sardines before! I will have to give it a try ๐Ÿ™‚

    I went back to work today because my headache was lifted. Every once in awhile I still feel pressure in the back of my head but I think that is just tension and stress. Once I relax my neck and shoulders my head starts to feel less heavy. My headache started to lift as I thought of what I could do to help with this coronavirus with a friend. My friend was telling me how capable I am and how people with my skills need to be putting them to good use. I work in quality control and not in research. I found listings that were direct positions for analyzing samples for viruses to developing a vaccine. I also messaged school to try to figure out what is possible in regards to classes (since schools are closed). I am 5 classes away from my degree so it makes it difficult to apply without meeting requirements. A part of me would feel guilty for leaving my current job because I do feel somewhat bonded with everybody. I found a box of medical masks that I am going to bring to work. A coworker told me about her friend that has breathing issues who really wanted masks.

    I ended up driving home and picking up as much Everclear as possible so I can to help people disinfect surfaces. It was an impulsive $300 buy honestly. I didn’t know how long the liquor stores might be open with the possibility of a “shelter in place” protocol.

    I realize that in this time what people might be experiencing is like a repeated trauma of worrying about other’s lives and their own. It makes me feel calm like I can trust my instincts to address situations and do my best to be a calm presence for people. I have had time to build skills to address difficult situations throughout my life and cope. Sometimes during real emergencies I become super calm and do what I can do address the situation. I find this odd because I am often so anxious normally. Like when I was in the car wreck and thought to protect my dog and had a moment of pure acceptance of “if I die I love myself” and there are other times when I don’t react to danger well at all; like when that random guy had started wrapping his arm around mine in the summer or when another gas station worker (who didn’t speak much englishย  well) started walking me to the back of the store with his arm on my shoulders.

    I played Rise Against at work and introduced it to people. When I got back to work my coworker said he played rise against yesterday and asked me how I was keeping my sanity. (we played rise against again today and Behind closed Doors came on ๐Ÿ™‚ )

    I replied with that I am trying to take in as much information as possible while also not denying how I feel to put on a brave face but coming to a place of acceptance. I think for some people they are truly going through stages of grief. Another friend cried to me that he can’t hug his mom anymore because he doesn’t want to get her sick. I have a group chat with a bunch of friends I have made over the years at art festivals. These friends live all around the world so I am getting updates with how their part of the world is handling the situations.

    One of my favorite quotes is “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”- Bob Marley

    It has been a lot easier to choose my focus and stop negative thought patterns that make me anxious and choose all the thought patterns that can best help the situation we are all in.

    There is a song called Trampoline by shaeed and the lyrics are

    “Wait if I’m on fire

    How am I so deep in love?

    When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”

    what these lyrics mean to me is infinite gratitude of how precious life is. That now I feel like I don’t have time for anything that isn’t aligned with that truth.

     

    #344644

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How fun is that. It made me smile to think we are the same height ๐Ÿ™‚

    That is a good point. I eat breakfast burritos that I can just microwave in the morning and usually a sandwich, pasta, or a pot pie for dinner. I think I need to come up with a real meal plan and follow it. Avocados are delicious! I can always eat cheese. Cheese is my favorite food. What is your favorite dish?

    Zeeza

    #344628

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree with you. Going to an expert is always ideal. I have lost 10 lb since last time I went to the doctor. I weigh 115 at 5’5″ so I think that is still a healthy weight but I picked up vitamin D and Iron supplements and started drinking a lot more water. I have a headache that just doesn’t want to go away. I took Excedrin and Ibuprofen and slept like 11 hours. This is day 3 of this headache. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. It has been over a month since I had a drink. I think that was my goto to numb out.

    I am thinking not eating enough is thwarting my progress. I am trying.

    I hope you are enjoying the sunshine ๐Ÿ™‚

    #344380

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I apologize for not responding sooner although I know as you say respond when you can.

    My throat feels a lot better and I still have a headache. I asked to go into work but they wanted me to stay home. I spent most of my morning trying to find my thermometer. Gave up on trying to find it for now.

    I did go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I feel a lot calmer like my thoughts are less “sticky” and it is easier to control my focus.

    I was successful for a couple hours to try to quit vaping. And I didn’t smoke until the way end of the day. I am trying my best to just reduce my bad habits when I am struggling to stop 100%

    How are you feeling today?

     

    #344202

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I vape nicotine and smoke weed. Although that is changing I haven’t smoked at all today and I have put my vape in a box to try to quit again. Vaping can’t be good for my health and I am taking this opportunity to cut out vaping and smoking. I found a bunch of medical face masks I forgot I had and a thermometer. So maybe I can put one on and go to the pharmacy? I don’t know.

    Thank you for understanding. If anything I will take this time to try to improve my health as much as possible.
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    #344192

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for reminding me how important it is to not act against myself just as I would with others. I care so much and I hope to transfer some of that to self care as well.

    I woke up with a sore throat and a headache. I didn’t pick up my prescription yet and I thought maybe I have a sore throat and a dry cough from smoking. I wasn’t sure. But because I had a headache I thought it might be a good idea to take my temperature. I couldn’t find a thermometer at the store and work was expecting me. I told them what I was experiencing and they said please stay home if you aren’t feeling well. I wanted to take my temperature to verify if I was having an illness related symptoms or just a regular sore throat from irritants or a headache from stress.

    I also had a fear of what if I was sick and I am going to spread this to people at work. I am sure I’ll be fine but what if the older people there get sick.

    To try to verify if this fear is valid I called my doctor’s office and described what was going on and that I don’t know if I have a fever but I feel warm. I was referred to a walk in clinic.

    At the entry of the clinic two workers interviewed me with a lot of personal protection gear on. I explained to them what was going on and that I just wanted to make sure I was safe to be around other people.

    They asked for my number and my car info and asked me to wait in my car and the doctor would call me. He called me and asked more questions and he said because I wasn’t exposed go any known cases of the virus that I won’t be tested for that. He asked me to pull my carย  took my through this drive thru area. He had a face shield and everything. He took my temperature and it was only 99. Not really a fever at all after all of that. He still gave me a note saying to stay home for 72 hours after a fever subsides and if my symptoms improve (sore throat and headache).

    I gave work this note and they are very understanding but I am just confused. Part of feels like if I just went to work maybe everything would of been fine. Another part of me is like if I am sick and my symptoms become worse best not to infect others. I don’t know. I feel like I might of made a mountain out of a mole hill. I apologize to work and said I just wanted to be safe than sorry and they appreciated that I took these steps.

    I hope you are enjoying the sunshine and staying well ๐Ÿ™‚ it is so much fun that we are in the similar time space.

    #344052

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I would hope that one day I won’t take anything. I have been against taking anything for so long but I want to be open to new things.

    Absolutely! We will survive this all together as a global community. I read somewhere that homeless people are receiving more help throughout all of this. I hope through all of this weirdness we learn how to support each other and know that we are all in this together ๐Ÿ™‚

    Best,

    Zeeza

    #344044

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Anytime! I hope it is relevant information that is helpful to you and Kudos for starting the COVID thread. I hope you feel well rested for the coming days ๐Ÿ™‚

    I went to my doctor’s appointment and was prescribed gabapentin in addition to Lamictal. They are both anti-convulsants.

    She said it would help me become a lot calmer and also help stabilize moods. I told her I smoked weed to try to combat my extra anxiety and this was her solution. She said that many people have told her that they feel a similar effect with gabapentin as they do with cannabis. So I am planning to quit for real this time. I can’t help but feel that in some ways I am not reaching my full potential with cannabis (in regards to memory) and I want to find out. I am also nervous to just try something new but it seems like a better option for treating anxiety than other types of prescriptions.

    I am still going to make masks for fun. Design little space needles or something fun. Could be used for other purposes like to block out pollution or if a forest fire happens again. I don’t know but I think having something brightly colorful and positive during a weird time might lighten the mood.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Zeeza.
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