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Zeeza

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  • #373242
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thanks for giving me space to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings to make a plan. I scheduled an appt for tomorrow for Casper to make sure he isn’t getting worse or if there is different medication that would help him better.

    as for psychological help I could schedule an appointment? I really do want to be in me right mind so I can make sound choices and this is a vulnerable time.

    At first I really liked how we had fun going to the beach with Casper and I thought he was very kind and thoughtful.  Enjoyed sharing a meal with him and our friendship which is based on common interests such as a desire for adventure.

    #373230
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    I think realize my dog isn’t coughing because of his trachea but because of his heart. They told me he had a heart murmur and also sometimes the blood in his heart pumps the wrong direction. Out of curiosity I looked to see if this could cause a dog to cough and the vet sites say yes almost a frequent cough that happens if at rest or moving. The trachea is usually something I can work with because if he swallows a small treat it helps him reset his throat it seems but he wasn’t even wanting a treat. he has medication for this heart problem that I just got last week,

    Also I applied for another job as a florist. It could potentially pay almost double what I make now and the scheduling is flexible and it sounds lovely to make detailed flower arrangements while listening to music.

    I told the guy I was seeing what was going on with my dog today and he didn’t respond at all which is ok I just was saying that this was why didn’t want to get together because his symptoms are the most important to manage.

    when I first saw this job listing he told me this job might hurt my hands. I was almost about to apply and after he said that I didn’t hit send. I thought maybe he is right it isn’t as good as I think. And then I saw the listing was just republished and applied. I hope I get a chance and that the opportunity is as good as it sounds to be paid to be creative.

    #373225
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Another aspect of why I don’t think this is healthy bond

    When I said I felt dizzy and maybe I should sit don’t know if I have low blood sugar and he replied blood sugar Bi***

    When I was emotional a long time ago like october? I was crying because of my dog needing so many teeth pulled etc and said sorry perhaps I am so emotional because I am on my period to which he replied Period Bi***

    I think during this time i thought he was trying to just make a joke but now looking back it felt just like a stamp label instead of seeing me with what I am sharing.

    #373222
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happy Inauguration Day!

    My dog’s coughing has become worse but the cough medication I gave him this morning seems to help. It is just hard because he is either sleeping or coughing and very rarely awake with out coughing. I thought that maybe I should start recording the times he coughs in a day so I can better track if he is having more of on and off flare ups or just gradually getting worse? I am at a loss with what to do because they say he can’t have surgery for it and that steroids make it worse longterm even though it helps in the short-term. I am sure he doesn’t like having labored breathing either. I would get emotionally overwhelmed and go to the bathroom and put music in my ears then that turned into me holding him trying to comfort him with singing which seemed to help him get to relax. I was singing the lyrics you deserve love from a song called Welcome to the Family.

    I made some art but haven’t accomplished much else yet because I honestly just wish to do all I can to prevent him from coughing and it feels like when I move around room to room he wants to follow which can make him cough. I think he might be in a deep enough nap now to try to get some other tasks done.

    I haven’t spent much time with the gentleman I was dating. Even though we discussed how I was interpreting his feedback as criticism instead of a genuinely caring feedback it is hard to feel otherwise. He recently sent me a link about how covid survivors are still having symptoms mentioning how this is Casper (since casper can’t stop coughing). When he returned casper last week and casper had his leg injured I cried. When I cried I said I am not ready for a new normal as I set up cushions to try to make it easier for Casper to get around. After I had calmed a bit he said “can we talk about the funniest thing you said?” and I was like what? and he said that it was funny that I said I am not ready for a new normal. I told him that was the saddest part because it feels like with each new ailment comes with a different way we exist. To which he said yeah change is hard. I am not holding. grudge over this but it feels like I am holding a grudge for when he jokingly told me get in the shower or I will slap you while laughing. It makes me angry that he said it then and that he said it now. Because I didn’t feel like I was being treated as an intelligent being.

    Work had a wide company meeting and explained why no one is getting a raise anytime soon and that we are just glad we got through covid without layoffs. I feel a bit frustrated about that since I have gained more skills and do different roles and worked there for over a year. I am grateful to have a job and learn but maybe even having a proper job title change would help even without a raise. I haven’t worked up the courage to ask..

    Part of me really feels a pull to change jobs, be single, and place of living all at once. But it is healthier to try to work out what already exists instead of starting fresh with something else that will also have a host of problems to resolve. And I honestly don’t know when it will be the end for my dog either or how to tell when it is time for him. I haven’t talked to my vet about it and thought they would bring up his quality of life and what we can or can’t do to manage it and when we hit a wall.

    “We sometimes have an emotional memory that pops up spontaneously, or following a minor trigger that is too small to notice- better to not over-analyze those daily emotional memories” I agree with this sentiment because I am trying to build new daily emotional memories to replace the old. Instead of overanalyzing and deciphering the old I would rather choose my focus on how I would choose to feel and what choices follow suit.

    #372996
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Today felt like a lot less resistance was within me and it felt like the pressure of finishing tasks was lifted to become a flow of steps. In addition to my dogs health I also forgot to take my medication for one day and I am not sure how that immediately influences things but it did seem like my mind was ruminating more quickly.

    this makes sense that it’s okay to feel however and use this energy of the emotion to check in with what I do or say or what need is being neglected? Like being hungry can make me more stressed. Or if I feel lonely or like I don’t belong I become more self critical.

    This reminds me of when I wrote to you awhile back that I could feel how the power of my choices influenced how I felt. Because I use to have a mindset of it doesn’t matter what I do I may always feel this way of sadness. Which I know isn’t true logically and emotionally.

    when I took my dog to the vet she couldn’t tell his leg was injured and I just started crying out of frustration trying to explain how he holds his paw out. She then replied that maybe he has adrenaline going through him because he does feel very stiff. I noticed when we got back he wasn’t hold his leg out as often so I am wondering if perhaps when the vet checked his range of motion she put his shoulder in place. Like maybe he has a slight shoulder dislocation. He is coughing a lot less today compared to yesterday and is more interested in smelling plants. Sometimes when he is stressed nothing seems to interest him. So it is a relief to see him feeling better.

    I think what frustrates me is that I don’t particular know why I become angry or sad so it makes it difficult to take care of what the emotion is trying to convey. I think the only way I suppress potentially negative emotions is saying be grateful and stop going down a negative thought pattern.

    I think some part of me some part of my inner child still wishing for approval from my mom. To be recognized of deserving respect. I haven’t had contact and I try my best not to think on it.

    Thank you for sharing your insight and I’ll try my best to feel with self-compassion.

    #372924
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That makes sense and I also worry about the anxiety I might have trying to be a good roommate. I will do my best to figure it out I have a month thankfully.

    I am feeling ver anxious and woke up feeling really angry and feel like I switch back and forth between the two. Last night I got a little snappy at a coworker who was just trying to remind me to take a lunch. I apologized and he told me he couldn’t even tell I was cranky. But the flashes of anger is what concerns me because I don’t want to spread bad vibes and not see clearly

    I ended up asking my boss what is the chance of being able to take today off so I can take care of my dog and chill out and she said I could that she would rather have me be healthy and put some work aside that for me to be burned out.

    I haven’t called out since February so I thought this was ok. I don’t want to make it an emotional habit of coping with stress by calling out but I don’t want to become snappy towards people. My lungs feel weird as I type this like a tightness in my chest that I use to get before a panic attack would start. So I try to breathe it out.

    I feel really grateful to be able to take care today and will not waste it in anger.

    #372907
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes being responsible can be tough and thank you for your patience I am so sorry there were so many typos in my last message. I will do my best to slow down.

    Casper isn’t limping as hard tonight so I’m elated that it isn’t becoming worse. I was thinking if it was really bad he might need an X-ray but the vet will let me know tomorrow. Aha I have to wake up very early tomorrow 🙂

    I felt a lot of anger towards the end of my day and I am not sure why but I tried my best to just take deep breaths and reframe any thoughts. I was having weird thoughts like it doesn’t matter how much I finish there will always be more and I’ll never get ahead or I’m just going to keep making mistakes slowing down and the faster I can go the sooner I can go home to my animals.?and I reframe all of these thoughts by thinking it really is one step at a time and I can’t control when I will make a mistake it just happens. The frustration keeps building up though I feel like I can laugh about it now because I feel like I sound like an old person.

    I have been looking for a safer more affordable place to move into this spring. And I found a potential male roommate. The place is in the woods by a lake and my pets are welcomed. He told me his previous roommate didn’t work out because that roommate had 2 more people move in. Anyways it seems like it could be a good fit since he has an earlier work schedule and mine is later and I really do wish to be back in nature. I am just not sure what questions to ask or what boundaries to think of when finding a roommate. I have lived alone for a long time but this will save $400 a month and there will be peace and quiet (lol I sound like I am old). change is scary sometimes but I have been craving to move for a long time. I still live around the corner from my ex best friend that ended years ago. Feel like it would help to have a fresh start but a bit stressful to think of living with someone.

    How is your day so far?

    best

    Zeeza

    #372847
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for saying I am a good pet mom. It has been an interesting 24 hours. I went to work and the gentleman I was seeing was going to take a trip to the forest so asked to bring my dogs when he brought him back his leg was injured and his harness lost. He said it didn’t seem like he was super injured but when I was jumping in the car he did stop to let out a whimper so I have an appt tomorrow for my dog to be seen. He didn’t eat breakfast but I made little steps to the couch and basically made the place jump proof. I wish I could just take care of him today but hopefully tomorrow the bet can give us an anti inflammatory or something. It just makes me sad when he is in pain. I didn’t get angry or blame this guy because my dog does jump a lot as is and I sometimes lose the harness but I was so tempted to do that? And I’m glad I didn’t because I just want a solution not more tension.

    I hope the sunshine is bright where you are Anita!

    #372793
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Being a pet mom is something I will always wish to be. This is kind of funny but after all the fuss over a new little spray shower head (I purchased one and tried installing it) lol I didn’t not install it well so that a leak happened under my sink. I think the seal wasn’t perfect so it created back flow of water and I am not using it. I thought it was funny and thankfully nothing was damaged and the sink doesn’t leak now.

    I also thinks it is really fun that you also worked in a lab 🙂 I have a later start today for work but still woke up early so I could have some time of my day and with animals. I hope you have a wonderful day Anita!

    #372755
    Zeeza
    Participant

    That makes sense. I give my dog a bath often because his beard gets wet food in it sometimes and I try using the face whitening shampoo he gave me because my dogs face gets stained. I just got some new fake grass for his little back patio lawn. I tried using real grass before and it just became so muddy. So heavy to change. Maybe if I purchased a little shower head giving my dog daily baths would be easier. Using a cup with water takes a bit of time because I have to cup my hands with the water as it pours on his face. Thankfully my dog is so patient with me. I feel gross because I should of changed his grass sooner. And I should give him a bath every day too for his eye goop. I try to use face wipes but it doesn’t do much.

    I am not stuck by self anger and will keep taking steps to make it better.

    #372752
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your insight. Yes it really does feel like I must watch how I think and interpret things so I am not discharging/projecting my shame into life situations. At work I paused and try not to assume but look at the situation as a whole but that turns into me ruminating about it at night and then going in the next day; so I am grateful to have a different perspective. It is like I get stuck in this cycle of trying to figure out if I am being shamed or if I am doing it myself with current events. I think I have been especially nervous about this at work since I started working customer service and I did have one rude customer but because that incident was clearly identified it was easier to let it go.

    (1) I have noticed that sometimes I take over responsibility or blame at work because I work so many different areas. I tried delegating for a time sensitive project that needed to be finished in the morning and I delegated it since I have been working later at night. My boss posted in the public channel where is this project? and I responded to the 2 other people who volunteered to finish it. But it still felt like a lot of pressure from my boss to be there ( I have a couple different bosses now) so I rushed myself there. At this point in the week I had not taken good care of myself in the free time that I did have so much so that I didn’t shower for two days?! I used dry shampoo to make my hair look clean at least but the pressure to give more to avoid that feeling of shame is very real. It feels like the more I am able to do the less stressed out others are and because I don’t have one specific role it becomes confusing on what isn’t or is in my realm of responsibility.

    I told the lab director that my weird schedule requirements (arriving early one day staying late another and overall being confused about what is in my realm of responsibility makes it so that I can’t stay in the lab past 9pm because other departments need me to arrive early the next day etc. She was asking me to work 2 to 10pm.  Anyways she helped me delegate more before I left for my weekend and told me that it is okay if I can’t stay late.

    (2) I do not have a good recent example of an exchange. I haven’t spent too much time with him in the past week especially if I feel vulnerable. They only odd thing I remember recently was when I was trying to solve a problem at work and was a bit stressed in the middle of working on it and he walks up to me to tell me my dog needs a bath. I told him I am busy with work right now and can you compartmentalize? like talk to with me about personal things outside of work not at work? and to me it felt like he just wanted to remind me something that stressed me while I was already stressed. I don’t know but I let it go. and he did need a bath which I gave my dog a bath that night.

     

    #372699
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I haven’t seen that movie yet before! Lol howls moving castle is very magical in a way that despite her curse with an old body she inspires courage and hope and brings a family together with compassion. The art is beautiful I honestly have an art book about the making of the movie. I am tempted to try to draw the magical castle.

    something that has been stuck on my mind on deciding if something is subside of just my perception:

    at work my boss asked me publicly where data was and I had previously stated I didn’t parse it so someone could double check a fail. At the time I was hit with shame and went to lunch to reset and nothing came of it I think perhaps she really was just asking me? But what made me think otherwise was I was in a private message with her few minutes earlier so I don’t know why it went public for all the lab to see.

    Another aspect I am confused was when I was emotionally upset from taking to my dad. Because he was having a hard time (but now he is doing better and is sober and I have happier conversation with him today) and this person I was hanging out with asked me if I was enabling him and I said no I am just sad to hear my dad is being abused and is scared to leave his relationship. Anyways I was upset and was trying to self soothe so I could move off my couch and shower. This person is someone I am dating to clarify. And he said get in the shower (started laughing) or I’ll slap you. I told him right then and there don’t say that to me I have been threatened to be beaten to many times in my life for that to be a joke or anything funny. This is the gentleman from work. After I tried to step away I stepped back to him. Because we all have our moments no one is purely good or purely bad.  But now I don’t want to see him. And it feels like he ignores me throughout the week. To hang out on weekends to give me feedback on how I am not taking the best care of myself or my pets. And that is the time I need to do that so it feels like I got stuck into a cycle of feeling bad for not taking care and the not taking care to feeling more bad about it. This is the same person who did that to my neck.

    I have been working 3 positions still at work and still too busy with no raise but I am grateful to have a job and have looked for new jobs to look anyways. I put listings out to try to find new place to live or with a roommate for it to be cheaper.

    I can finally afford to have my dogs teeth extracted so I am waiting for vet to call to schedule.

    part of me believes I need to leave restart another part of me thinks I am reacting to old patterns. I am trying to not make haste choices but I wish I could just live anew.

    I read the whole book Homecoming in one night! I didn’t sleep but it was so helpful. I am going to try my best to use those self care skills today.

    #372687
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Happy New year Anita,

    I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was trying to pretend holidays didn’t exist and not have weird memories and I think it was successful but wish I had wished you a happy new year or something! OUr friendship is important to me annd wish I treated it better instead of coming and going. I know you are very patient but I don’t want you to ever feel alone or forgotten too. Talking with you has helped me feel seen and not alone so I want to reflect back that resillience.

    I went to doctors appt to follow up with my medication. It was helpful. Casper is still doing well sometimes he coughs more days than others but we have been watching sunsets on the beach when it is not raining.

    I can’t wait for the president to step down. I hope nothing escalates more in the mean time. I won’t let it take my hope away.

    Are you enjoying your walks and saying hello to Hunter? May I ask you do you have a favorite movie? My faovirte movie is Howl’s moving castle. I am listening to soundtrack music now. I use to play it over and over to have happy place. That is what I did over holidays. I am reconnecting with people i feel guilty because they try to message me and I don’t message back when I want to.

    #370318
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Awe Thank You 🙂 May I ask you Anita if there is anything in particular that doesn’t jive well with you about appointments?

    When I first went to mental health and appointments etc I had a friend with me in the waiting office and during the meeting. It helped me stay grounded in familiarity because newness and the unknown frightens me sometimes. Especially if it is something vulnerable information like pain of any kind. I try to be careful with who I share my pain with because I don’t want to be blamed for it I want a solution.

    I did not think of the new perspective of being able to have less stress on my body by working in the front. I definitely stopped stretching as often as I did and hope to do that more along with Pilates. I have been eating a lot more. I keep Oreos in my purse for stress relief snack XD

    Yes I do genuinely believe we are all trying our best with the resources we have during that time.

    One of my favorite phrases is Darkness your Days are Numbered! I haven’t made art in awhile. But I geeked out and made a version of an art website. I also been watching a lot of vidoes on how to make masks. The goal is to make teddy bear masks. I ordered iron on  brown vinyl and will cut out the teddy bear mouth out of this and iron it on. Perhaps having that extra thickness in the area of the mask will also add extra protection. And I think seeing a world of teddy bears would be a such a sight lol. I am hoping to make many things like stickers to mail out to friends and family. My version of getting into the holiday/end-of-the-year spirit 🙂

    #370307
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happy December! How are you? It has been awhile since we last spoke.

    The last two weeks were pretty intense at work. We had one week where 3 different instruments broke in the lab. So I offered to stay later (and have a longer lunch to visit my animals) to help get a kick start on the work loads for the day before. I had calculated in my mind that if we started data acquisition at a certain time it would be as if we didn’t have any instruments broken. Long story short it was a very intense week for everyone and I was hoping to be a beam of positive energy with solutions. But the solutions I spoke of where not met with an open mind but disdain. It felt like I became the target of blame.

    The last day I was in the lab after putting out so many fires I discovered another instrument was broken. I was training the new guy and working in the micro department. I had a test tube full of a buffer solution and a sample that was stuck. Typically we vortex the tube to help make it become more homogenous. This wasn’t working. So a coworker said to tap it vertically on the table and show no mercy and it will no longer be stuck to the bottom of the tube. Surprisingly I broke the test tube and it went all over the new guy. Thankfully nothing toxic was in the tube and we had an eye rinsing station ready to go but was not needed. The new guy was understanding and helped brainstorm better ways to homogenize these test tubes (This issue wouldn’t have occurred if there wasn’t a pause in the work flow to discover an instrument broken. Because those tubes were sitting with solution for a long time without vortexing first everything became stuck to the bottom).

    At this point my back hurts and I feel frustrated that my input for solutions was not well received. I received the feedback that I am just creating more work for everyone. After this tube broke the lab manager came to talk to me. A couple days ago I was supporting her for an instrument she was trying to fix (we literally in one week had 4 instruments down! lol) and I made up a joke of it is All Good in the Fume Hood. So the lab manager came to me to tell me I need to relax and go with the flow and that I have been a little intense. So I explained why I have been a little intense because of my idea of starting data acquisition earlier so we can keep our schedule and not fall behind. It felt like I was being told that I need to stop. But I knew if I didn’t do any of those things we would have lost a lot of business requests for analysis. So I tried to position my body in a calmer way while I am in pain and explain my point of view after all of this frustration. We were able to get through the discussion.

    Now it is the end of the day and I look down at my phone from a message from the lab manager. That I took pictures of samples that were too far away and if I needed help figuring out how to take closer pictures let her know. I started crying when I read it in front of her because it felt belitting. I felt belittled. So I responded with saying to fix it we need to adjust the camera stand at this station because no one seems to adjust the height so in the future it will fix this longterm and she said it is okay we can do it later.

    I went into work the next day with a sticky note on my computer from my lab manager that I am awesome and to not forget it. The next day I also had to answer to the lab director on why I didn’t use an almost fixed instrument and I told her that it was because with the error message constantly popping up made it difficult to tell when the run would finish and how much solvent it would need. She told me that she thinks she accidentally paused that instrument and that is why it froze. She was blaming herself for this. I said if you want to blame something blame the labrechuans I think we all have been feeling that way.

    I went on thanksgiving break. Since that specific almost fixed instrument was said to still run (because the lab director thought it was broken because she paused it) the lab used the instrument and it broke further because the data run never finished over 2 days thanksgiving break. So I guess in this way the lab could now see what I was trying to communicate. but It felt like it was too late because during my break I was messaged that I was “Relieved of your lab duties” and that I am to now work in the front office/ data review.

    This made my break not that much of a break because it made me sad that I didn’t know that would be the last time I would be in the lab. I also am trying to mentally prepare to communicate in customer service again. At first I thought I was getting fired but I realize it was just a position that they needed to fill. I responded to “relieved of your lab duties” in person instead of message. And this boss apologized and understood that I still wanted to be in the lab and he said that it would be great for me to stay up to date. We currently lost our operations manager. So I think I am just a float for 3 different jobs. I connected with my lab manager again and said hey if there is another conflict that arises would you prefer for me to come to you or wait for you to come to me for instructions. And she said its okay either way just sometimes she doesn’t know the answer. And I said that’s okay then we can crack jokes to which she replied It is All Good in the Fumehood.

    At first I really wanted to quit my job and become a cleaning lady. Far less stress that way but I think this is still a safe place to work? It was just a rough week. I am still sad to be changing positions but it is less stressful to sit at a desk instead of worrying about breaking instruments lol.

    I really do hope you are well Anita and I keep our lessons and insights we have shared close to heart 🙂

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