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Zeeza

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 276 total)
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  • #367274
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think about you too inspired by how much positive energy and kindness you are with tiny Buddha and part of me wonders and hopes that you are at peace and that pain of others doesn’t add any stress to you.

    I love the sound of when it freshly snows. I really love the way you explained kindness and reflections. It truly makes a lot of sense. I want to reply more but I haven’t fully thought out my ideas to express them.

     

    #367230
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My dog and I went to old growth forests and the ocean. We saw a seal and pelicans riding the waves. If it started raining I just put my pup in my hoodie. I found another heart shaped rock and the softest rock of my life. I’m guessing it took years of ocean waves to smooth out this rock.

    I fixed my sleep schedule finally catching up on sleep and now falling asleep early once again. I made a list of daily art themed drawings for October. Fall is definitely one of my favorite seasons. Do you have a favorite season?

    When I feel angry towards myself for falling short I try to switch it around by being grateful for what I have finished so far. If I find myself focusing on what I lack I try to focus on what I do have. I am still digesting and learning what your previous post means. Thank you for explaining it to me.

    I find that I am craving recougnition. Being outside helped me feel recognized my the forces of nature. One of my art accounts was followed by a gentleman who does tattoos and did my only tattoo like 5 years ago. He complimented all my art! I couldn’t believe how that made me feel. Then my phone must of had spam or something but I got a notification one of my favorite musicians followed me. I thought wow what if I did album artwork! I was so giddy and then realized it wasn’t real hahaha. I’m wondering how I can provide this sense of recognition and value within myself without the outside world validating my worth? I’m not sure if it is possible but I’d love to jump up and down each day because I am happy to be me. Not sure how realistic that is but I am definitely more kind to myself.

    How has your week been? I hope the rain cleared up the air and serenity is returned.

     

    Best

    Zeeza

    #366955
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the rain cleared up some of the smoke yesterday. Yay Blue skies!

    I have been trying to reflect on what you have said and reaching into my anger that protects me. It is difficult to resonate with. I noticed how I get angry outwardly by being oersted by little things or having an outlook where my anger is directed at myself. I’ve been listening to my heavy metal music again definitely a safe place to feel anger. Overall I feel a lot calmer and less afraid of being pointed out that I am bad.

    Yeah I let go of the if onlys with my mom. I try not to think on it because I don’t want any more time or energy wasted on an uncontrollable situation.

     

    I am grateful to have a place to live and to be able to support myself. My mom said I would be homeless when I told her years ago I was moving. She told me she was glad I didn’t work in a brothel when I said I worked at this new job so yes I can easily get angry thinking on this because it seems to me her aim is to destroy my courage and positive self regard feedback is only helpful if it is directed with a solution not an out right attack. So yes I let go and hope to keep maki  NV an outlet for anger such as art.

    #366778
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yay I am so glad you saw the sky! I don’t smell smoke it just appears hazey but not nearly as hazey as it was before.

    The reason I imagined the desert is because usually I camp out in the desert with friends around this time of year. What I enjoy about it is how nothing blocks you from the sky so I enjoy estimating time via the sun’s position and sunrises and sunsets are so beautiful because you can watch the whole sky change into a twilight.

    Thank you for helping me frame this understanding of vicim mindset. I can’t see the validity of her argument but I did try to openly consider fault or anything I can improve with.

    I am trying to let go of my mom with love because I really did feel angry. Angry that she would talk down to me in such a way that basically undertones what you think and feel is invalid and I am sick of you. I use to be so suicidal and I am not trying to blame it on my mom but I can see how someone can be berated to that point. And then her trying to blame me for being hurt and sad is damaging, it is as if she wants me to obliterate my sense of self and truth. I wanted to let go with love so my anger wouldn’t overtake me to behave in the same way she has. I didn’t want to harm her back even though I felt like I needed to defend myself. I let go wit love because we both deserve a chance of healing and if we don’t have an example of what love is in communication and in action then how can we exist as anything else.

    I use to say the best revenge is to not let the feeling of worthlessness win. It would make me angry that I felt the way I did and it would live in my mind rent free. It use to be a mindset of oh you don’t believe in me? just watch what I can accomplish. This attitude wasn’t sustainable because if I did fall short it felt like the weight of my worth was too tied with it. Now I am in the perspective of I don’t need to prove anything I can just strive to be the change I want to see in the world.

    Best

    Zeeza

    #366748
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel so grateful when I have deep breathe of calm and when I realize how calm and grateful I am I take an even take a deeper breath to celebrate. I have been visualizing the desert. I love how wide and open it feels with the ever presence of the sun. I have been actively trying to change my posture to be more tall and it definitely helps my feel better. I am really thinking about making a rule that I am only allowed to sit down for 30 minutes at a time so I do not become stuck in my head.

    I did block my mom and I won’t go back on it. It is asking for my mind to have a havoc of memories.

    mom warning

    One of the major points my mom made about me  that stuck in my head after I deactivated my account was that I was playing the victim and that I needed to grow up and to go find someone who has sympathy because she is done.

    I reactivated my account and responded with quoting a poem about love, “love is patient love is kind” etc. and that we both deserve love and to let go of anything in the way. She said take your own advice. I said take good care of yourself and blocked her. Truly that was my kindest way I could try to go about it and I am trying my best to let go with love.

    I do not want to be in a victim mindset and I do not like that term. Perhaps a better term for that would be a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. I like to remind myself of this YES AND method. For example, if my mind conjures negative thoughts like I made a terrible mistake I can reply Yes and I will fix it. or I feel really sad and I can Yes and that’s ok everything changes. I feel like I am not a very responsible person; yes and I am doing my best to remedy this.

    It rained a little bit here for a short time and it was beautiful. I hope the air is clearing up for you.

    Best

    Zeeza

    #366657
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    I hope you can have a breath of fresh air and enjoy a new scenery. I am grateful and honored to be a support as you have supported me. That is what friends are for!  I am not sure why I can’t sleep it is like my mind is anxiously trying to solve a problem that is too philosophical bring circular thinking. I am overly analyzing how the world is and how to heal.

    #366612
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I will respond more to your question this evening thank you for asking. Sending positive energy

    #366611
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Sorry type leaving out water for animals rehoming themselves.

    #366610
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can understand the moments of panic. There is an orange hue to the air it seems here. I wonder if people leave out water for the animals rejoining themselves. I soothe myself with the reminder that Some seeds in Washington Require fire in order for germination. Some indigenous cultures would burn sections of areas ritually to help this process.

     

    yes I am grateful to deactivate my account. At work I am playing a time lapse of northern lights. Can’t see the sky but it is still there. Mother Nature fascinates me with the ability to recover and grow back. Resilience up the the yin yang 🙂

    #366600
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for thinking of me I am doing my best to think positive thoughts because what we think we become. I haven’t been able to sleep much past few nights. Falling asleep around 3am.

     

    trigger warning mom

    I deactivated my Facebook because I had confronted my mom via text and of course it didn’t go well but I said please respect my feelings if you want to talk to me. She sent me a image about how she was a “mean” mom abd how parents are seen as mean when teaching kids with is like oh you are so mean for making me clean. So I said mom you were mean it hurts when you smack a kid with rings on. I forgive you but I’m not going to deny history. She gaslighted me so in turn I lost my cool and sent her a voice clip of what she use to say to me repeatedly to prove my point that she was mean. I said oh (my name) you are an idiot oh eyore you going to cry about it now” anyways it wasn’t right of me and I apologized I just felt so mad she wouldn’t admit just a little that she wasn’t mean. So I told her I have no idea how to have this convo with you this hurts etc. She tried to do a character assignation of all my wrongs it was like not constructive. she told me I was a Victim status and needed to grow up. I said you are right I am not a victim because I voice my opinion instead of feeling powerless.

    I am sorry Anita I should of approached this more carefully.

    #366448
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To clarify I am not jealous of my brother but of the father figure who passed. I am glad you are safe from the fires. Indeed I don’t think I thought of all costs when adopting pets but I am making it work.

     

    #366443
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you are safe from the forest fires. The air quality isn’t too bad here.

    I was able to finish dishes, laundry, vacuuming, and groceries. I just kept imagining how it would feel for it to be finished whenever my mind started painting the picture of urging resistance and asked myself what is the smallest step I can take.

    I think a part of self trust is being able to show up for yourself and show that you will take care of yourself. I had one beer yesterday. I have had only one drink since February. I stopped drinking while I was dating STP man so I could be less confused. This time of the year is the anniversary of that car wreck and I can say my body feels loads better. My shoulders are still slightly out of alignment but I am getting better at stretching and correcting my posture. I thought it would be okay to have one drink.

    I haven’t started paying off any of my student loans yet and honestly am afraid of how to approach that. Initially I thought I would restart classes so repayments wouldn’t occur yet. I noticed this morning that my cat has worms. My dog has a vet appt at the end of the month to get his infected teeth taken care of. I called the vet and scheduled an appt for my cat the same day and ordered over the counter meds for worms for my cat. The vet said medication depends on the type of worm. I am assuming it is the most common one and hopefully that will work. Most vet places are always booked out 2 weeks because of the pandemic times.

    I really don’t want to let go of my brother. I guess at this point it is more of the idea of my brother because we have hardly interacted in the past 9 years. A part of of self love is being able to trust myself. Trusting myself stems from not abandoning my truth and my feelings. I think it would be damaging to try to bridge or relationship because I am embarrassed to admit but I feel jealous that he is more important. As if he stole my family away. I know this is not the case because life isn’t black and white. But I think that this is where my self abandonment comes from. If I just change this maybe I can be loved. If I do this maybe people won’t be mad. And I need people for survival.

    I find myself craving attention. Day dreaming about being an artist that broadcasts live shows while making art and inspiring people. I actually took steps to see how I could do this and became too self conscious. My mind started focusing on why I shouldn’t do this such as I am not skilled enough, enjoyable enough etc. It is like I am looking for a way to test my sense of worth and prove to myself I have worth. I think irregardless of how well I make art today I will make it with gratitude that I have all my limbs to create.

    Because of this weird social divide in my life from leaving my hometown to the other side of the country I have two facebook accounts. One for my old life and connections growing up in highschool etc and one that is shaped around my adult life now. This second account is suppose to be shame and fear free. I do not post on either pages and use it more or less to message people. The reason why I bring up I never post anything is because I noticed that when people have successes or set backs they share it with their friends. Whenever I want to post or share something I think oh I am just wanting attention. I sometimes worry about the cost of being myself. The cost of speaking/living my truth and distancing myself from people who don’t accept it.

    Best

    Zeeza

    #366442
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana,

    Thank you for that lovely quote it brought me to tears. Especially “giving life exactly what I want life to give me”. Be the change, protection, and love you want to exist in the world is what makes life meaningful for me. I hope you Aiyana love yourself dearly as well. Thank you for your kindness.

    Best,

    Zeeza

    #366284
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for helping me paint a better picture of understanding passive aggressiveness and not taking it personally. Thankfully i only work with her two days out of my work week in addition to having a distant work station so I think I can make my work environment positive. If I had to work more closely with this coworker I think I would find another job.

    It makes sense that stress can cause Menorrhagia. I have a 3 day weekend and I am so grateful for it after this week. I have let a lot of chores slip than I would feel so satisfied to accomplish.

    My thoughts were not very organized in the ending of my previous post I apologize for that. I was referring to the death of my mom’s boyfriend who I grew up with and fear. I no longer have nightmares of him chasing me around the old house anymore. I am trying to bridge a relationship with my brother since he had such a health scare recently while my brother is grieving the loss of his father figure. My brother and I have not talked about his death at all.  When I did video with him once before my brother’s health scare I told him that thinking about the past makes me nervous and he was telling me he would come visit me with his girlfriend when it is possible and safe to do so.

    #366191
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope your walks have been lovely and so glad you are feeling safe. I am definitely trying my best to apply my skills 🙂

    Things at work have become tense. When I bring something up to a coworker this coworker becomes defensive and I worry I am acting or doing something to cause this.

    In the beginning of the day I rearranged the order of some of the project after she had organized it. I think this might of offended her but it helped my mind work on it better to have it organized this way and I was the only one to work and finish the project. This coworker shows up very early to organize the day but stays as late as I do too. It is a very long day for her.

    I feel bad for asking her towards the end of the day if she knew off hand any tricks to fixing a part of a machine. I remember saying something along the lines of I was wondering if you had knowledge of how to do this because I am stuck and it is okay if not I will ask another. She decided to take a look at it and I mentioned it to more people. 3 people hopped on to take a look at the same time. She walked away and I said thank you for taking a look at that and she said I am not good at that that is why I am in here and started laughing loudly and all I could get out was you are good at that but realized I couldn’t be heard over the laughter. And realized she might be feeling very stressed and I feel like I made it worse.

    This is the same coworker that we have butt heads on a few times. It doesn’t feel comfortable to be in the same room as her because I am afraid that if I share a different idea or bring up a problem to resolve she sometimes responds in a weird tone. For example I was asking if there were any other locations of centrifuge tubes because where these tubes were placed allowed dust to collect. She said something along the lines “well somebody isn’t happy about that” I don’t remember the exact words but it was said in a tone that I interpreted it as how dare I complain or make a deal about something. It just feels like there is a lot of friction between us. I work at a station alone most of the day so the only time speak is the beginning and end. I am trying to be aware of how I come across and to not anticipate anything negative but sometimes it really does feel like my thoughts aren’t valued and perhaps she feels the same way too? Perhaps we are both nervous? I just don’t want to cause any harm and I don’t want to be harmed.

    Something also really embarrassing happened today and it happened last month too. My period was not kind to me. I think I need to see a doctor because within 2 hours I have soaked through to my lab coat. I had to calm myself and wash my coat out in the sink. I have to wear a very large lab coat now. I am going to see a doctor about this because this is extreme compared to what I am use to.  It is more embarrassing than anything. I am not sure who saw.

    My mind is racing about how to prevent and stop the cycle of pain. I have been trying to become as realistic as possible. Watching my mind to prevent thoughts that are overly cynical or blindly hopeful. I just wish I could do something about all the pain in this world. The people who need protection.

    The other day I did have a bit of a mental breakdown. I was riding in a vehicle that was going through a very windy road. The windy road reminded me of Vermont. Reminded me of how that man use to try to go through turns so fast and hit the gas and breaks like crazy that I would feel very dizzy and scared as his laughing would switch between shouting.

    My cynicism is a coping mechanism that comes from blaming myself having hope instead of holding my mom accountable for hurting me. When I feel like I am on the outside at work,  I feel like I am that child once again trying to behave right to be accepted.

    His death is a reminder that I am not a part of the family. My brother who had the health scare recently, I tried once a week to keep contacting him to stay in touch. Week after week just one message. Sometimes he would get back to me and say I am busy not now. Other times he would get back to me just to say lets talk soon. I stopped sending the weekly message and he never reached out. It is like the elephant in the room between us. His death. I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Because that is his idol. I have been so worried about my brother’s health too. But I realize he doesn’t care what happens to me. So I feel like I have healed more from the disappointment of wanting a family to care for me and found people who do.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
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