Forum Replies Created
November 19, 2023 at 1:13 pm #425129
I guess modern technology has made it so fireplaces can be turned into pellet wood stoves, or they have pellet kit add ons. I am not sure how much it changes the aesthetic https://www.thisoldhouse.com/fireplaces/21014834/get-more-heat-from-your-fireplace-and-wood-stove#:~:text=Burning%20pellets%20used%20to%20require,wood%2Dburning%20stove%20to%20pellets. But it seems like wood prices are more stable than pellets. Even though pellets take a lot longer to burn. We have gas fireplaces.November 19, 2023 at 10:34 am #425127
I was gone for 2 days to celebrate a friends birthday up in the mountains. It snowed! This place has a pellet wood stove. Back when I grew up we used a pellet stove to make heating more affordable in below zero weather. We are studying the architecture of the houses up here. Very similar to our house with an A frame. Going to go desk hunting today for my partner. He really wants a replica of my desk so we are going where I originally got it, Ikea. I have had my desk for 10 years and I love the paint and art history on it. I vape nicotine like it is a cigarette. I smoke cannabis towards the end of the day lol when people normally drink a beer. I have taken breaks a week at a time and I notice I get much more lucid nightmares. It is kind of nice to not remember dreams or dream deeply, which is a cannabis side effect. But something like emdr could stop the root of the nightmares. I got feedback on my project and I passed with flying colors! Onto the next project. How are you Anita?November 16, 2023 at 12:34 pm #425085
Today I had a video call with a psychiatrist. She was really kind and I am grateful to have the chance to meet with an expert. She wants me to do EKG to make sure no side effects are present from taking the medication for a long time. She also said they have a really good trauma healing center such as EMDR. In order to do this type of work I would need to pause on smoking cannabis to let the healing really take effect.
Our power bill is ridiculously high. We have been using a propane mr heater in the crystal house and ditched the electric heater. Last year the furnace died, and the power bill was really high. He set the temps in the big house for 76 with the new heater system because his mom is very cold all the time, has to leave every light on because it hurts her eyes. And she runs the propane gas stove for heat in addition to fireplaces. I don’t think I can reduce energy consumption on my end. I think adding more weather proofing strips will help. She removed some because of aesthetics. and then I helped my partner with getting stuck logging into tech stuff across different emails.
Yesterday I did make some draft sketches to transfer. I have pine wood, which is hard to burn intricate patterns but easy to burn dark silhouette designs. So I am trying to go with the circles in the wood, to add a forest scene with the center of the circles as the vanishing point(farthest away point in image), so it looks like there is depth. I was able to set up more ergo version of this by making my desk taller.
I am hoping to get feedback and my grade before starting on the next assignment so I know I can start it without missing any gaps in learning.
Your wood stove sounds like it is a lot of good exercise. Do you have a wheel barrel to help transfer large amounts of wood at a time? Firewood seems like an affordable way to keep warm in the winter!
“Bringing the special Journal Book- that’s about Casper and about strength and love- back to life as a Poetry Book reads like a great idea. Your wood art plans read excellent as well ” I will try to add a new entry poem today after submitting this message here.
“You had a busy day yesterday: video chatting with Grandma, making grilled cheese-turkey sandwiches with tomatoes (yum: I love melted cheese) , finishing your paper and more. It feels good to have a productive day, isn’t it…” It does feel good to be productive, like reconnecting with self trust.
“B has been sleeping most of the day”- you used your alone time while he was sleeping productively.” Yes and now he is awake to tackle things and I am trying to multitask helping him so his frustrations do not become so large he explodes. Most of the time it is the frustration that gets in his way than the actual problem which I can solve with a calm mind.
““How is your woodstove?”- it was good to have fire in the woodstove last night. Before it got dark I worked for 2.5 hours bringing wood to the porch and to a shed, a 2nd location. This morning is the 2nd morning I wake up to the ground being frozen outside.” We do not have a freezing temperatures here yet, but it is so cute to see the squirrels bury their winter stash.
““Do keep a quote book or favorite quotes?”- no, but I do quote members on tiny buddha all the time, in almost every reply that I submit (including this one)!” This makes sense, I am trying to build quotes that help plant seeds of more happy hopeful thoughts which I find you are very good at.
ZeezaNovember 15, 2023 at 5:05 pm #425062
That sound very cozy to sit near a wood burning stove. So far I found a special journal book that looks like an ancient spell book. I wrote 4 pages in it years ago when Casper first passed away about strength and love. I want to bring the book to life by making it like a poetry book: to add quotes, and powerful mantras or spells. Video chatted with Grandma ( She did great dialing me in a video call! Then I made grilled cheese turkey sandwiches with tomato. Then I finished writing my paper, recorded a video for the presentation of the project and just submitted it. I also got an email about a commencement. I would be able to go to a March commencement in my state. It is a mostly online school but they like to do commencements all over the US. That got me a bit excited, and my degree plan says I am already 45% through. Hoping to keep that momentum. My grandma is excited that her childhood mountain she grew up with has snow. This mountain is close to me, she use to live in this area when she was a teenager though. B has been sleeping most of the day. I found a lot of missing things, like tracing paper. If I can design a really nice forest or seasonal theme decoration, I can transfer the design to the wood with tracing paper, and then wood burn it. I have 40 circles of wood ornaments that I want to commit to making into gifts. That is my next thing. OH and taking out the trash since it is that time of the week. How is your woodstove? Do keep a quote book or favorite quotes?
ZeezaNovember 15, 2023 at 1:06 pm #425056
I am ok just taking it moment by moment. He is really hung over and just barely waking up. I am basically having my own day separately and offering food and what not once he is awake to stop the hang over binge cycle. How are you Anita? I am hoping I will wood burn art today after I finish my project. Thanks for being there and I really appreciate the safe place to vent, I have been listening to a lot of music. That helps me have better thoughts.November 14, 2023 at 6:49 pm #425038
I don’t know what happened today but he snapped at me. Saying this will destroy our relationship forever if I can’t normalize his mom and what will happen is everyone will move out. And I am like they already expressed wanting to move out? In confusion but basically it just turned into me being quiet and a bit confused . My request to not be alone with his mom is dysfunctional in his eyes because I can’t just go up into the kitchen and do dishes by myself. Also my back and carrying dishes have been hard. I just broke down and said do you know how much pain I have been in? I am trying to gain weight and my back and stay mentally healthy as we adapt while fixing the house? Basically I have headphones in so he can’t talk to me anymore. I don’t understand the rage and blame. I went up and did the dishes by myself. It was 3 trips with stairs. It wouldn’t of been so much if he went with me in the morning. The holidays is a big disaster here last year. I really do just want to escape even for a week or two and then come back and have a plan to integrate. I don’t know what to think anymore. It was right before he went to get beer that we fought and he is trying to quit but then gets very angry and then drinks.November 13, 2023 at 11:54 am #424985
Thank you. Right after I submitted that previous post my student cancelled future sessions with me. So I think I need to work on my pedagogy, I did not receive any feedback. My partner starts his new role soon in December, and he gives me credit for helping him find that role and interview prep, since I interviewed with the same company. So it feels good to feel like I contributed that way. The job market is hard in tech with all the lay offs and end of year so it really feels like we lucked out. I am focused on my master’s but it feels so weird to be unemployed for this long. I have never in my life been unemployed for longer than a month and that would help my confidence and freedom.November 13, 2023 at 10:41 am #424981
Yes over the past couple weeks he has ordered some really nice burgers (he knows that is my fave) and for the seafood dinner suggestion, that was meant for all 3 of us, to try to create some peace. It doesn’t seem like that will happen any time soon because he gets anxiety just thinking talking about it. I think he is holding out hope that his mom will snap out of it and we can all be chill again. But I don’t want to give up making my own ktichen again because I don’t want to be dependent on anyone else’s choices or moodswings to have a safe place to make food. Which now she randomly yesterday made us a sandwich. Which was kind but I had food I was goign to make and ended up skipping it. The control here is food. I have a great snack game going, nuts, dried mangos, and chocolate covered almonds, and seaweed. Yes I agree with you this is like submitting to her, and I am suggesting a middle path, not angry explosion and not complete submission. I find her less scary if I think of her having some sort of condition that is causing her to be mean instead of her outright intention to be mean. I have been practicing staying calm when I am closer in her presence but I still go into a fast heart beat. There are no specific thoughts that are making me anxious. Just feeling it in my body. I don’t think I want to or am capable of doing this “ingratiate” ( I had to look the word up). Because every time I try and she shuts me down, or narrates and laughs about it, like oh she is trying to think of something nice. She use to get mad at me for just saying how is it going? Like offended I couldn’t think of anything better to say with more substance. A sign that helps me that she and I don’t have to engage is that she stopped speaking in english.
Last week, My dad was having a very hard time. I was able to successfully cheer him up by telling him a long joke, and doing tarot. It helped him go from a powerless mindset to empowered with a sense of humor. My little brother who is in that program, may not be able to be “home” for the holidays. I sent him a letter but have not heard back from him yet. This program is suppose to help him but I think it harms him to be away from friends and not be able to use the internet to get in touch with folks like me. For months. I reached out to my other brother, and he confirmed that he and my mom aren’t going to work out. I am worried about him feeling like he doesn’t belong. That is a hard hit to take at 14 that your mom doesn’t want you.
Today I got a little brave and I messaged my mom about what medication I take for bipolar. I outlined how it helped me over the years, how it worsens with age, and how I feel a lot more stable. I shared it with her to say hey, if you have these issues too, there is treatment. But left it as a story about me rather than her so she could take it or leave it as is. I do feel like if my mom got treatment, her rage and delusions would stop and maybe we could see who she really is come out. Anyways I felt like I needed to express that to her before she gave up on my bro. To say hey, you may not fill fit to parent because you have untreated illnesses. Indirectly? I don’t know I just felt like I had to say something, if there was a small sliver of hope that she may consider anti seizure medication. I also explained why anti-depressants made it worse, because when people have bipolar it isn’t the right treatment.
And then a Sweet Cat came to the Crystal house with beautiful green eyes. I stepped out to say hi and he let me pet him. His name tag said his name was Bravo Cat. This felt like a sign from the universe, ever since I was a kid cats have been my greatest friend. It was like the universe was saying you aren’t alone and friends are everywhere.
I have been stretching my back and using strength training bands. It doesn’t feel like any injurt I have had before because I lock up or lose strength when going up or down. It feels like my hips are locked and I have to push with my arms to get myself up. It has lessened in intensity. But When I was walking down a dirt hill in our yard, I slipped and almost fell but did a weird twist with my back to save myself. So I don’t think me moving everything injured my back, it was the almost fall on top of this.
I meet with a psychiatrist this week. My partner wants me to try without medication, I have considered it too, but I think I am stable because of the medication.
I had fun teaching ochem, but I was also constantly reflecting that day if I effectively helped her or not. It was hard to find a starting point because she is towards the end of the course and failing. So I explained reactions as if it were people. Oxygen has a negative charge so he is lonely, he wants a friend, he goes to look for hydrogen as a friend, and the hydrogen that is the most acessable will become his friend and make a new bond. There is a lot of “instant’ tutoring opportunities. Which is random students dropping in to ask questions. I like when I can prepare for a student a head of time, so I can think of a way to explain it to the student. If I try the instant tutoring, I worried I run the risk of failing because sometimes it takes me awhile to solve a problem and my biggest fear is telling a student the wrong information. So what I have done when in doubt, is pause, and say let me double check something. I double check it and confirm. As I went through how to solve problems, I also tried to teach what questions I ask myself to figure out the problems. Such as understanding the nature of our starting material and our reactant. The instant tutoring pays significantly more, so if I can prepare for that, it would be a good opportunity.
I am glad your back is feeling better! I am hoping to go on a big walk today. Walking seems to help my back too.
zeezaNovember 11, 2023 at 9:42 pm #424960
we rearranged and hung better curtains in our Crystal house so it is a lot more cozy and like a reset. Quitting drinking completely wasn’t successful but pacing. He said tonight he wanted to take his mom to a seafood place and try to soothe it all over. I was a big opposed to this by saying if this is so if she is rude this is what I will do. I will say I will not engage in this conversation if you are rude. And then say please excuse me. He said this would be awful if I did this because she is an elder, although he was the one to say he wasn’t speaking with her anymore. And then it quickly changed to he can’t talk about it and I told him either way I support him I just need a correct escape route if it goes south. He said this isn’t good for our relationship if I don’t get along with an in law. And I explained what specifically makes me uncomfortable and at the same time I will do what he requests as best as I can. It is odd because she was kind to me in the beginning. And I realize it is a cycle and I explain how her kindness and then tension and conflict is the cycle and he said he was aware. I still have not interacted with her. Hopefully I have a bit more time to stabslwize first. My back is still bothering me when I move up or down. We have accomplished a lot and it feels like I can focus on what I need to. I started tutoring chemistry today and it felt great to help someone understand what I also struggled with, I am hoping it leads to more students and more working hours. How are you Anita?
zeezaNovember 9, 2023 at 12:17 pm #424904
my eyes are healthy he tested a lot of different things, my left eye vision got worse from last year and I have another follow up appointment for contacts. I didn’t ask him those questions, but I did tell him my eyes hurt and the traces of light I experience. I don’t think the flash light damaged my eyes , and if I go, it will be hard. I know I have friends I can stay with short term who have my cat. It’s about 10 hours away. Still no response on work to live gigs like on a farm for exchange for housing. I don’t know if I will leave or not but it definitely feels like I am checked out, not angry at him but not trying to win his approval of anything either. I am hoping after day 3 of not drinking he will be back to normal. I say hallucinates in the sense of him swing my confusion as me berating him.November 9, 2023 at 10:18 am #424899
he did pass out and before passing out he apologized and said he hates that we have this memory together now and I realized maybe he is going through alcohol withdrawals making his eyes more sensitive so I couldn’t see it and I told him I can’t tak I am going dark and played Viktor frankl out loud. He said sorry then and fell asleep to it.
I have an eye appointment today that I booked awhile ago. So I will be getting my eyes checked.
I think on his journey of quitting drinking I can’t be a support because he hallucinates like you said treating me like I am his mom hurting him.
for freedom I am going to make the art again I ripped up. The message of love and brightness behind the art is what gives me meaning. I am hoping to keep drawing legends like Viktor frankl. Great minds that survived adversity and still left the world brighter. I want to be like that , and be strong like you Anita. Thank you for being my friend and I am sorry to share these situations matbe I should start a new thread so I don’t keep manifesting history on repeat.November 8, 2023 at 9:31 pm #424885
I was drawing Viktor frankl. I am listening to his quotes now on random documentaries. I like his book a man’s search for meaning. “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”November 8, 2023 at 9:16 pm #424884
trigger warning instead of standing up for myself to my mom I use to hit myself where she would hit me. Today I had a Pap smear and it emended me of when I was raped and I just wanted to make art so I did that. My partner wanted to try to quit drinking. We eat and then I go back to making art. He tells me the light is in his eyes. I don’t understand how because it wasn’t directly on him and the only small light that is on the Crystal house. I lay wear he is to get his point but then he tells me I am berating him over this and confused and panic I say why I am trying to see and ask where you want the light. He puts it so down I can barely use it. So I just turn if off. Then he takes his phone flashlight and shines it in my eyes to say see this is how it feels. So I get mad take the light and shine it in my own eyes and say fine I’ll torture myself to get your point. And then I rip up my art and then my eyes hurt. And I can’t cam down and he said it’s retarded how I hurt myself like I hurt my back when I was mad moving stuff. When I was raped I was so sick from vomiting I didn’t fight back like try to poke his eyes out or anything I am still mad at myself for that and so embarrassing I wish I could disappear and I know these will pass but I am worried I am going darker because it’s hard to accept myself or stand up for myself in a clear way.November 8, 2023 at 5:44 am #424856
I will write more soon – thank you this is an empowering message.November 7, 2023 at 12:29 am #424827
Your message has been very helpful and I keep reread it with a strong emotional vision of what it means to be strong and calm. I close my eyes and imagine colored light around me protecting me. I did not have interactions with her today. It was a productive day. That was another thought I had is the stuff to do and be today is much more important than being afraid. Especially since I took an important power back which is fully setting up a kitchen to make food, so that we only need to use the house kitchen for dishes.
yes I think her crying made him stop, and that os kind of what she does to my partner when he angrily needs space. She loudly expresses how it breaks her heart if he tells her at 1pm he won’t be home for dinner to slamming things to telling him she thinks he sucks etc.
she use to be on medication that made her more aggressive (steroid) but she stopped taking it about a year ago. If she doesn’t calm herself she gets migraines and the risk of her health condition going out of remission. The goal of this house union was so that B good see his parents happy and taken care of in golden years. And we are accomplishing that while keeping the ability to have our own lives. I understand your message the more I read it. She is very intimidating because she interrupts talks over and directs the conversation like a lawyer like she is leading you to answer a trap and then she makes her outright point known. I remember there was a time when she would get upset and just tell me I am upset you better go now. Like she would warn me she is not sociable. It is hard to see where it starts, his sister thought B was mean and now sees that they are both mean to each other. She said it all started in 1st grade- B anger problems. I really do think my dad taught him a lot in that regard which is like another gift that keeps on giving.
Please be Kind is much easier for me to say than you are rude because I feel like the social shock of me saying she is rude would not create the productive conversation even though that might not ever be a possibility. The one time I heard her sing she sang a song about sympathy. She sent me the 70s video and the song was all about caring more in the world. I think if I can refind that song and refer to it maybe she would understand my intention better? Like please let’s have more empathy sympathy