Menu

Zeeza

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 60 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #322661

    Zeeza
    Participant

    How lovely 🙂 In some ways falling in love with fall is making gratitude stronger than regret. In a nature perspective, grateful for the summer blossoms and the blossoms that are yet to come. The process of letting go to make a new possibility.

    I think that it is a great approach to be friendly but healthy boundaries. I tend to overshare sometimes. No one knows of my past or mental illnesses. I’d like to keep it that way.

    I like the perspective of protecting oneself from other’s darksides and my own. I am happy I stopped self harming, stopped punishing myself. I hope to focus on continuing to managing this in therapy.

    I think over time, like in the next 3 months or a year or so I will have a better picture of how to “adult” and manage financial. Investigate different options in housing. Building a home within and without is an artform in itself. The worlds we create are powerful and I have been careless about it in someways.

    #322595

    Zeeza
    Participant

    You are craving something new? like a new place to see or new food to try?

    I like to think of this season as Falling in love with Fall 🙂

    It frustrates me that I am starting in a career with barely being able to be financially stable. Maybe in a year I will have earned my way. I consider financially stable being able to make 2.5 times my rent. My dad sometimes helps me with money for food but he doesn’t make much. I will have to start paying out my student loans too. Which is $100 a month so I am grateful. One of my old girlfriends pays $500 a month back in loans.

    My lease is up in April. To break the lease I have to pay the rest of rent owned on my lease agreement. If I were to move closer to work to have less of a commute, it will be more expensive. I don’t like having roommates. I am not sure why just in the past it felt like I could never be home or have my own space. Maybe my codependent tendencies? I have the cheapest and closest place to the city possible. I will keep looking but I am in an area everyone seems to be moving to. Whenever I rented from a private owner, like a basemen apartment, I had experiences where the landlord was very very nosey. The only solution I can think of to find a cheap place in the city… is to connect with a local renting out a part of their house.

    I could try to save and afford a trailer. Trailers don’t last long but their mortgages are way cheaper and I wouldn’t be paying off a house for the rest of my life.

    The supervisor and her BFF of years  (who she recently hired couple months ago) invited me to hang out sometime. So I think I am bonding with people at work. I am just nervous to coordinate official plans and mashup personal and professional.  The smell of isopropyl alcohol has been giving me a headache and I have been too stubborn to wear a mask because no one else does. I think I will give in and use one.

    As for this man I feel like I have been guilty in my past of feeling the same way. Looking at my partner and being like “I am miserable because of you! why don’t you love me”. I feel like I deserve it. I did leave. Although I wouldn’t be talking to you about it here if I felt like something was going wrong. He confuses me. I appreciate your patience on this topic I am trying to be openminded and understand. I met him when I got into a car wreck a year ago and I guess he has been a solid person I can see regularly and I don’t have anyone else like that in my life (yet). So maybe that is why it is hard to say bye. He provides me with so much and he can make me laugh. We all have a dark side though.

    My therapy appt is actually at 8am on my Monday. I don’t know if going to therapy before work is a good idea because I seem to have some emotions to deal with that bubble over. I haven’t had any intense emotional upheavals in awhile and I want to maintain that. Ending things with this man will definitely be an upheaval. Or maybe it is the way I am thinking about it that makes it so. I am trying I really am.

     

     

    #322401

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hope you are still enjoying the fall leaves. How are you if I may ask?
    One of the recent hires was fired at work. She was there for 2.5 months. Same one who was joking “You are Fired”. I was wondering why she didn’t come in. I later find out that she was fired for making too many mistakes. No one is really talking about it openly.
    This man helped me pay the last bit of my rent. One of my pay checks barely covers my rent. I can’t wait to move into a cheaper place. Originally had this place with a partner I thought would be long term. </span></p>
    He brought me lunch at work yesterday because he knows I haven’t had much food. He was telling me how he was crying because he finally got rid of his cat stuff. His cat he had for 10 years passed away a couple months ago.</span></p>
    During my weekend I had a friend come visit who really needed someone to fully listen to them.</span></p>
    I didn’t clean or do laundry to prepare for my week. My animals have extra foods. And I have pasta and I have been taking daily vitamins.
    If I can last at this job for longer than 3 months I will get a dollar raise and monthly bonuses. I did make a mistake today but it was easily fixed. I am trying to go slowly and triple check my work. I have recently been able to listen to music at work with my headphones and that has helped when my 8 hour day has turned into 11 because of the overflow of work. Tomorrow is my Friday once again and I am so hoping to truly make art. I have the second therapy appt on Tuesday. I am not exactly sure what to focus on but in our first appointment she told me to adjust to my job and then we will meet up. She told me my sense of humor will help me go far. She told me I scored severe in depression and anxiety at the time of the appt so I was hoping we could meet weekly instead of monthly. I don’t know.
    I try to watch for moments when this man is trying to get in my head and make me feel a certain type of way. He was begging to see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together. I told him no. and he finally gave up on it and said well at least one of us is happy about it. I called him out on being rude and that we don’t need to waste energy on this I want to live here now. I am grateful to have rent paid and to be able to work another day. I really do like my job it is just a bit stressful at times.My heart is torn between seeing the humanity and kindness in him while also thinking what has occurred.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Zeeza.
    #321551

    Zeeza
    Participant

    At the end of the work day yesterday my boss came to me and said I did great especially for working so many days straight. I told her I am feeling more confident and thank you for your patience. I got more of my Display of Competency tests results back. I was within 2% accuracy with 5% being excellent and 10% acceptable.

    This fellow came over yesterday with no beer or gun and just looked sorry and tried to talk with me and we listened to music. It is hard for me to grasp how to proceed. I know what I must do to keep my peace. It is just confusing to see a night and day difference. I want to let go but don’t want to at the same time.

    I am so grateful for a day off! I think I will make some art. Thank you for your wisdom and advice Anita 🙂

    #321205

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Work let me go early today because it was slow and I am going in for my 7th day straight tomorrow. I am worried because two people having jokingly said you are fired. I asked how I could be helpful and my boss told me to cap test tubes before we use them.  I dropped a cap (I was tryin to put lids of around 50-100 empty test tubes). A co worker jokingly said you are fired when I dropped the cap. Another time I can’t remember exactly how/why, but the person I was training with, who is also newly hired, jokingly said you are fired.

    I was looking at our data and saw that 6 plates that I prepped to grow bacteria had to be retested. When I get my Display of Competency tests back I passed with flying colors. My boss watched me intake a sample today. Which is basically me taking a picture of a sample and making sure the labeling is correct. I have been doing this part of the job since day 5. She told me to not leave more than one bag out and I explained how I kept the bag and the sample always together so it would never be confused but I will definitely follow that protocol. After I finished intaking the sample I was bringing up a data page on the computer to prepare sampling and enter weights. As I was doing this she reminded me to turn off the light and camera. Not giving me more than a minute since I finished intaking my last sample to remind me to turn everything off. I am worried she is so closely observing me because of errors. I accidentally had two empty test tubes on two different occasions. I didn’t weigh out the sample and had to figure out why. After weighing so many samples over and over, you would think I would do it correctly.

    I feel like I am bad luck sometimes like my anxiety is contagious.

    I don’t even know how to process removing this returned ex from my life again. I gave him a key since we were going to a party I thought putting my key ring on the car keys would make sense we took one car, and didn’t ask for them back. I texted him this morning “hope you have a great day” and he responds “you can’t even type out “I hope” what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”

    I don’t know what is harder to realize he is capable of hurting me or to go through the intensity of leaving him again. He created multiple phone numbers to contact me last time.

    I just want a magic wand that says yes you will keep your job you are growing and the fear is dissipating. That I an just tell this man to never bring his gun to my house, to not drink around me, and to give me my key. Then see how he behaves with those boundaries. Then it would also maybe be safer to leave in a two step process like that. First phase is creating more space and an attempt to create more safety. If that fails then saying goodbye won’t require me to try to get anything of mine from him.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by  Zeeza.
    #321019

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Potential trigger warning.

     

     

    He brings his gun over and sets it out on top of the counter island between my kitchen and living room. When I first saw it there I was like oh he is just bringing his toy along. But it has become every time he is over. It worries me if he builds up resentment towards me.

    When he was telling me about his ex abusing him, he referred to it being the only person he has ever wanted to kill.

    I can’t tell if this fear is all in my head but I worry what if he ever got mad enough. the what ifs. If I can’t trust him not to explode on me like that.

    #321007

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I don’t know what topic I should be in? Emotional mastery?

    It is my 6th day working straight tomorrow and I am growing into my job more and feeling safer. I greatly enjoy it and the people I work with. Just very long days. It is meaningful to find work in a career I have invested years of schooling in and to be in the science environment. To see it all come together and feeling like pushing forward is always worth it.

    This boyfriend I was referring to in the previous post. I did address these time boundaries.

    The other night he asked me if it was ok if he walked to the store to get more beer. I told him he is a free person to do however he wishes but in my opinion maybe just buy one beer instead of a 6pack so it is easier to limit yourself. Anyways he bought a 6 pack and his one turned into all. Falling and stuff. Started yelling at me and kicked my pillow off the couch angrily. He was calling me one bad name and the anger was about who was with when we weren’t together 2 months ago. I told him he was being mean and he replied I am just expressing myself. I told him you can express yourself without calling names or kicking things. He told me there is nothing special about being with me because everyone has been with me. I just smiled and said I am with you now it is ok. Something to try to deescalate without the same intensity as he was emitting.

    The next day I tell him how it really hurt me with what happened last night. I became angry because he couldn’t remember. Then the conversation turned into him holding onto resentment and that he thinks that I was with someone else almost everyday. I told him I wanted to be with someone who was a safe person who wouldn’t want to put me underneath them.

    I asked him how this will never happen again? He said it won’t. I asked how once again. He said it is easier everyday to let go of the jealousness each day. He bought my flower and chocolates.

    My truth is saying that he is a hurt person. Before he became angry like that he was telling me about his previous ex girlfriend who would hit him and pull his long hair down to the ground so he couldn’t move. I left him originally because I felt like he was always trying to feel out how easy it is to change my no into a yes.

    It is really hard to interpret this life situation. Work has become a safe place to not think about anything else.

    #319757

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I don’t understand. I tried having clear communication. This boyfriend asked to hang out tonight so I said yes. He called at 6:30 pm to talk for 45 minutes and I am like so what are we going to do? What would make this weekend the happiest for us? together and individually? Was going to bring him to a halloween party to meet some old friends of mine I use to go to school with. Have fun and paint eye balls on our faces for a freak show theme party tomorrow. It is now 8:30pm and he calls me that he is on his way. I felt like I wasted my evening waiting around. I don’t even want to see him anymore. like I am the last priority when het is off work at 4pm. I even tried to verify if he wanted to hang out tonight. I don’t even now what boundary this is and how to be chill but it would be nice to have dinner with someone and enjoy a friday together. I just feel lonely like I want people to laugh and celebrate with. not wait around for someone to come around last minute.

    #319609

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I did not know that electronic pipettes existed! So cool! That would definitely speed up the process.

    The static electricity wasn’t affecting my scale today so that was a relief. I made a mistake today and I could of easily not said anything and no one would of noticed (but the results wouldn’t have been accurate). I brought it up to my supervisor and I was able to fix my mistake. It was in the last hour of the day and my supervisor was patient about it. More happy that I was willing to admit a mistake that could of been easily hidden. Exact words were something like  “I am glad you caught the mistake”

    But I had such a hard time not beating myself up over it. I went into a panic and did what I could to compensate. A co-worker even invited me to hang out sometime. But on the way home I just felt intense shame like ” I can’t do anything right, how can I trust myself when I … ” and I would fill in as much as I could with what I was upset about with myself. I got home to my animals and was able to calm down. Sometimes I wonder how nervous I must look in the lab lol.

    It is like a reflex to punish myself when I make a mistake I am trying to slow down that process and see the situation logically.

    Perhaps tomorrow or Monday I will find out if I tested my unknown samples accurately. Curiosity is a superpower and I hope we both remain curious and thus resilliant! I think I read a quote somewhere something like “worry is a misuse of imagination”

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  Zeeza.
    #319411

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was able to focus well and the micropipetting went well. The issue is that the static electricity messes with the scales. The weight will increase and decrease consistently. I tried increasing the humidity in the scale as suggested.  I am guessing that because we keep the tubes in a styrofoam holder a lot of charge builds up. So after pipetting a specific amount, it would take me about 10 minutes to weigh to verify accuracy lol. I wish we could have plastic test tube holders.

    I actually felt comfortable enough at work today to not eat in my car and ate in the break room. I still went to my car afterwards because it is nice to just be out of the area and listen to music and see the leaves.

    Now I am just wondering about all the static electricity in the lab mixed with flammable chemicals. My brain is like an improv group of things to worry about sometimes. I will keep focus and practicing to gently calm myself. Over the next two days I will be testing unknown samples and the lab will tell me if it is accurate. Then I will be trusted to do most of the job on my own.

    It is hard to let it sink in that I am starting a career. I am excited while simultaneously scanning my knowledge of what I need to relearn/learn. It doesn’t seem real sometimes.

     

    #319237

    Zeeza
    Participant

    The rain and leaves are refreshing. I drove down a different road today that was perimetered by yellow trees and leaves on the way to work.

    I realize this is a new pilot training program since they will be doing a mass hiring for a new location and the manager is new in position. They would like my feedback about it. I simply said knowing the overarching themes on the first day, introduce the training program with each week’s theme outlined (since it is a month of training) would be helpful. Like the first week is legalities and standard lab safety osha etc and the second week is about lab practice and protocols etc.

    I will be tested for competency tomorrow for how accurate I can pipette. Measuring a substance that evaporates quickly without a fume hood. It is suppose to simulate how fast we would perform in a lab. I just don’t like the smell of this chemical so maybe I will wear a mask I just realized lol.

    I did go into work with the mindset that the feedback I am getting is to help teach me. I had more empathy today because I realized the manager is under stress due to some legal test the lab is going through. Thank you for helping me understand better.

    I perceived everyone being friendlier today. I am nervous for my test but I know I can do it. I am concerned that randomly my thoughts will become so loud that I stop being present sometimes. I try to take a deep breath and re-focus. I am trying my best not to be spacey.  For example, I had to read a text but I couldn’t focus. I had to read the sentences over and over while my mind was chattering about something. I am use to being in a lab 4 hours at a time not 8 hours a day, so I am grateful the training is a slow process so I can become calmer and more familiar in the environment.

    Thank you for your support Anita 🙂

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by  Zeeza.
    #319067

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reminder of keeping a positive mindset throughout work. I felt a little micromanaged at work today. Practicing using a scale (again) and pipetting food coloring. I was told to close a cap on a small vial containing maybe 3ml food coloring in case I spill it. Kind of felt childish but I have interned at 3 labs and know how to do these things. I just became nervous being watched so closely. At the end of the day my supervisor reminded me that she is the lab manager. I have a sheet that documents all of the people in this lab and what work they do and she had me note that in the document. I did feel my face turn red a couple times throughout the day but didn’t say anything. and Kept saying thank for for teaching me. I hope I represented myself well.

    I am sticking to family contact on weekends only incase I need to process anything.

     

    Thank you for your support Anita 🙂 I hope you are well?

    #318873

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you for all the support on this thread. Just realized I kind went off into my own hopeless space and got help and I am rebuilding life. Decided to be stabilized on bipolar medication and a monthly therapy appointment. I started a new job as a scientist. Still haven’t finished school but it is nice to be in a regular routine again no longer afraid to leave the house and not staying up all night.

    The best way I can describe the difference of premedication and medication is that my thoughts come in at volume that is easier to process.

    I spoke with my ex, the gentleman I broke up with previously because I became afraid of him. Break up was founded on something I am not sure of it was my brain interpreting situations wrong and I missed him. Life has been confusing so it is awesome to go back to this thread as a reference of patterns and what I was thinking.

    I don’t trust my mind to interpret situations correctly because sometimes I see through a lense of fear. I am grateful to be stable and have a job and art to work towards. Being in a regular routine again. I hope you all are well and excited for the holidays.

     

    My mom let’s me message my little brother directly and he has been telling me about his football game.a my mom shared my Halloween art which was nice. Still won’t speak directly on the phone with her. My dad is more sober and picked up more of a hobby fixing bikes.

    #304385

    Zeeza
    Participant

    They said I have no signs of cancer while telling me I have extreme density that obscures results. One bump was easily seen as benign. The other one could not be found jut felt? and they told me to come back when I am 40. I set up the earliest follow up appt with my doctor and sent a message to try to better understand the results. I have only spoken with the technician not the doctor so far.

    My dad called me real late last night to check in on me and that was nice and he told me he was still struggling trying to get sober but trying. I have learned how to understand what he says no matter what state he is in.

    My mom told me she has gone through this same process multiple times and nothing has happened to her so don’t worry via email.

    Saturday I went to a public event with friends and caught some sunshine. Some random male came up to me to speak with me and he grabbed my hand and kissed it and wrapped my arm in his. This is the first 2 minutes of interaction I don’t know his name I kind of froze at it was happening and then I pulled my arm away. He grabbed my hand again to put it on his neck and I just moved my hand back away. It was a weird mind state I was in because I didn’t feel fear but I didn’t feel safe I was just kind of disconnected from what was going on. But thankfully my friends were there I looked at them and said to this stranger I got to go! And he started following me in the immediate direction I took and I just quickly turned to go the other way far away from him. I didn’t really react afterwards just felt happy to be outside but I wish I had a stronger reaction to remove myself from that situation faster.

    My bank account is finally fixed too!

    Sometimes I get stuck in a state of fear like yesterday and it feels like I can’t do anything but hide. But I worked through it and got myself out of being stuck. I try to rationalize and think through my fears but the only way it seems that I can move through it is by doing something that will change my physical and mental state. My friend recommended that I listen to podcasts in the background to help direct the background noise in my mind while I work.

    The other state I switch into is when it feels like nothing is real and I am trying to stay connected.

    Thank you for giving a safe space to vent, process, and reflect and sharing your insights. I hope you are well 🙂

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Zeeza.
    #304005

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I have an appointment at 8:00 am on Monday. Like a miracle!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 60 total)