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Zeeza

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 408 total)
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  • #377659
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree that 10 hours is a long day and I was doing 9 hours usually when I am scheduled for 8 so it feels like it isn’t much of a drastic change in hours in a day. I will give it a go the first time this week. I am hoping knowing I have all this time to complete my work will help me stop rushing to finish it all in 8 hours. I think rushing my body is what injured it. I did go to the doctor and they gave me a better splint. I wish I got more chores done today and maybe I can finish some in the morning. Tomorrow I am going to visit an old dear friend and it would be frat to interact with someone from roots that I trust. We just have lived far.

    I guess the vaccine I was suppose to get was put on pause for blood clots but the cases seem very low.

    I don’t know why he would be jealous of Harry but it seems like he just keeps messaging me every two hours kind things which I’m just confuses me on how angry I was just feeling earlier about how we interacted before. I wish to have space away from work and him and maybe have multiple days off will give me the chance to go camping. Or finish up classes. I am trying to keep hope that things can improve and I will make good choices and a part of me dreams what that would be like without this job and without this relationship. I feel trapped in it even though I know I am not.

    Thank you for your kind words snot and I do hope you are feeling well these days

    #377609
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are you feeling these days?

    I am typing this with one hand I think I need to see a doctor perhaps. I think my wrist is out of place. I told work I am burning out so I need a change. They offered me 4 10s and 3 days off. I took it. It felt like my boyfriend didn’t understand and asked me to pipette so he could finish a project he procrastinated and I told him it is hard to pipette one handed. I worked all week one handed my dominant hand can only hold stuff but no twisting or pressure. People called out and I remained the work load was so high I felt guilty to leave or not work as hard and it felt like he had contempt in his voice when he talked to me I can’t remember what was said except when I commented on cute cat video he played in background at work and he said all of these cats are better than harry because they don’t scratch to which I replied harry won’t scratch you if you don’t keep trying to pet his belly that is his boundary but it felt mean for him to say that and lack of compassion with me injured it is almost like. he treated me like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

    #377394
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have been successful unpacking and setting up a vaccine appt which will be Thursday morning. I will have the Johnson and Johnson vaccine.

    I somehow injured my left hand. It was aching my Friday and got worse throughout the week. I woke up in the night last night because it hurt. Anyways I have a brace on now and it feels much better. I am hoping it is just some form of stress injury and nothing permanent. Pipetting in the lab for a long time can make it very easy to have a strain injury. It could be many things but I’m hoping just a brace and anti inflammatory medication will fix it. I am also trying to use my other hand more often now to balance things out.

    I successfully used the new washing machine for the first time. It was nice and did take awhile but because I had a lot to wash. Either way I think I could use this for camping too. Hopefully when my hand is better I can make some art 🙂 thank you for listening to my ideas.

    I hope you have a magical day!!

    #377295
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the Easter holiday snuck up on me and I woke up that day with weird memories it was if I was dreaming them and it was the memory of how I would cry myself to sleep as a child thinking nobody loves me and I didn’t think I’d get anything for holidays because I am a bad girl. And that Easter I found heart shape on the ground made of jelly beans. I felt emotionally resistant to this memory and tried to focus on my day but towards the end of the night I could see how remembering dreaming this influenced me. I felt alone and like no one cared but I know this isn’t true and thought maybe this is why I like finding heart shaped rocks or heart shaped anything. I hope you had a good Easter?

    I was thinking about how I could create structure with art. And realized I have an opportunity to do art and enjoy it if I can make my job schedule work for me. It would make sense to have an art business if I had a model that also sold stickers and prints so that making original art isn’t the only source of income. If I did a regular broadcasting kind of show when I made art it would provide a structure and a way to have people see my art. I was thinking about making a boar today who has been cursed by unkindness and it is from a movie. I figure that if I touch in common grounds like art from movies with my own twist so I don’t get copy right or if I made a theme of tarot cards; making a tarot card each week. Another idea I had is sharing my favorite quotes and making a drawing about it. Right now mine is “to provide light one must endure burning” Viktor Frankl. The reason why I think of this art structure is because I have seen other artists do something similar and appear to be successful with it. I have watched different people stream their art and see how they attracts it and what seems to be successful. it is like building an art community that inspires positive thinking and hearing other people’s ideas as well. I could easily try doing this once a week while keeping a normal job. I am just nervous to be a public presentation of myself so I would rather be confident by planning it out. It seems like people who watch art streams can be lonely themselves so I am trying to keep that in mind

    I have been very sleep deprived and I think I finally caught up on sleep Harry was very confused when I sleeped in poor buddy. I realize last night that I can try to save a little under 1/3 of my income which I think is very luxurious and I haven’t really realized how much I can save with this new set up. I am starting to feel more appreciated at work and I feel like if I make a request to have a more normal schedule it would be easier to have a normal sleep schedule and this healthy life.

    my lab manager invited me to go rock hunting with her. I thought this would be fun. I need to get vaccinated I am going to cal to see where I can go. Here’s to new chapters of life!

     

    #377048
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    that sounds like a solid plan I have researched both and both seem to have a lot of job opportunities in this location but I haven’t fully researched the financial aspect of both. It seems for science though I need at least a masters to contribute more than just a person who repeats experiments or does quality control. I may be limited in my views.

    I have entertained the idea of being an art entrepreneur and like the idea of the freedom but not having structure does stress me out and I struggle with structure in just taking care of myself which I wish was my strongest skill. I get bored very easily so I thought this wouldn’t be boring but exciting.

    #377040
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The cost of finishing my biochemistry degree is variable because I have an option to take the course at the community college and transfer the credit. The courses would take about less than a year Sind they are in a sequence. I would need to relearn and review a lot. I’d say it could be anywhere between 2 to 10 grand for tuition.

    for the visual arts it would take 2 years and with no financial aid it would be about 16 grand for the two years of tuition. I might not have to do full two years because I have already completed most required courses besides the meat of the major.

    I would have to reapply to the old university to start and see what that would be like. I didn’t file my fafsa so maybe I should start there.

    the parking tickets are confusing because I’ve parked there before and no ticket and so have other cars I think I need a special parking permit to park in the city. I had to park very far last night and I think the fear of being locked out and thinking of my future kept me up so late. My adrenaline was going.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Zeeza.
    #377013
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am trying my best to be grateful and make the most out of what now has to offer. There’s been a few bumps with moving. My key stopped working for the building entrance and the second key as well. Thankfully someone could let me in. I got two parking tickets in one night but thankfully I might be able to rent a parking spot soon.

    I looked into the visual media 2 year program at the community college down the road from me. Tuition seems affordable with about two thousand per quarter. And it looks like a great opportunity to learn videography and al sorts of art forms digital and physical. I thought this might be a good path to take. And to take advantage of the lower rent I have. Even with paying for a parking spot I am still saving 200 a month. It would be a dream to support myself while making art. And I was thinking if I learned many forms such as recording special moments for people, or helping build websites or video game art, I might have a better chance making it profitable. At first I felt so frustrated like I am going backwards in life and feeling bad that I don’t have as much stability I’d hope for. But I am grateful for having a roof over my head and sir Harry. Anyways they are accepting applicants and seem to be doing zoom info sessions. My other choice could be trying to finish my biochemistry degree I worked towards with only 5 classes left. I just know that I really feel like I need to be working and dreaming towards something meaningful. It feels like the job I have now isn’t something that will give me an income where I can afford a house. I wish to feel at home. Maybe I don’t necessarily need to afford a house. I will try to get some sleep and I hope you have the best day Anita!

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #376775
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It truly feels so good to know how relieved you are being vaccinated and safe. I remember in the beginning we were all trying to process it and the hope for the vaccine came through and you out so much dedication to your Covid thread and sharing coping skills on tiny Buddha. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.

    I tried setting up my bed but the frame is broken haha. The mattress isn’t too uncomfortable on the floor because it has a built in box screen. I am trying to make a plan for finishing up the move. It seems like a lot of people don’t follow parking rules here and it looks like the rules aren’t enforced but I am still nervous to park. The first two nights I was lucky to have easy parking spots. The lady across from me has dogs and they are really sweet. Harry seems to be feeling at home too. His cat tree is by the window and caspers ashes are in the window sill where the light shines through the most. I won’t have internet until Wednesday but it is all coming together. I honestly have been nervous to use a new shower and have been using my old apartment shower haha. I am going to try to set it up better so it doesn’t seem intimidating. I hope you have the best day Anita and cheers to being alive.

    #376638
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Yay Anita congrats on vaccination! Did you have any symptoms with the second shot?

    extended my move out date until the 31st since I already paid rent for those days anyways. This relieves a lot of stress because I haven’t moved my kitchen yet or clean the place. My body feels okay like I ran a couple of miles my legs are only sore maybe this will kickstart me actually working out for a change lol I have my yoga Matt out and I have been stretching. Harry likes to fold up the yoga mate hehe.

    yes it was very crude of him and I asked him the same thing and he said no it was just the way he was hugging me or something that made him think of it and he laughed and I laughed because I don’t know it was just such an out of the blue thing but honestly was more of an uncomfortable laugh like oh I have sad emotions and he thinks it isn’t anything. Anyways going to get through this work week and unpack as much as I can along the way. When I moved in he immediately put so many snacks in the kitchen.

    I hope you have a wonderful day and happy spring!

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #376585
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yoyr words have been very helpful to go back and read. This move has been so stressful but it is almost completely over. Spent the night at the new place last night. I don’t have a bathroom or kitchen set up yet. I have someone picking up my piano today and plan to clean up the apartment and throw away things. My body hurts from moving lol my boyfriend did help with a dolley but I carried all the things without dolley. At first it felt like oh wow he does care my hero. But I broke down crying from stress and being mad at myself for failing so hard and he was hugging me and asked as a laugh would it be rude to ask for “sexual act” now and he meant it as a joke but it just angered me a lot. Now I am going to make many more trips. I wish I had not of cancelled on other friends who said they could help but they were super reluctant to so I didn’t want to pressure them. It’s almost over. Tomorrow is my last day I am not sure how much I can fit in my car for the last trip I might have to make two.

    Sir Harry seems to really like the new place and is happy to still have his cat tree.

    I hope you have the best day Anita!

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Zeeza.
    #376386
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I don’t think I attract kind and decent caring men. I wish I did. I feel like it must be hard to be around me because I am so weird like mg bipolar and ptsd. It’s hard to feel like I belong anywhere sometimes although I know I do. Sometimes I have to stop myself when I say nobody cares and I am just unloveable because I have so many issues. I stop myself from saying these things because I know it leads to darker thoughts and I consider that somewhat healing because I recognize the falseness. I have friends that live far away but do care and it doesn’t feel so lonely when I talk to him. Or here on tiny Buddha when I feel safe to be truly seen.

    You message is exactly what I needed to read after this long day of trying to stop the urge of self anger.

    when I went to his house the vacuum wasn’t there and won’t be until after my move. I get angry because I would have had it immediately buying it in person if he hadn’t decided to try to gift me it and order it. I wouldn’t let him go ft me it I just paid him for it.

    I ended up spending too much time at his house talking to his mom. His mom gave me so many towels and so many papers towels it was overkill because my boyfriend complained about how I don’t have enough towels or run out of paper towels. She had a whole list of stuff she wanted to talk about and try to give me at first I thought this is sweet and helpful. But it she isn’t a nice lady because she told me she would skin my cat. I was like what? And she was saying because he scratches, I am like he scratches because he is trying to play if he rolls on his back and shows his belly you don’t pet him because he will think your hand means play. She never met this cat but I am sure my boyfriend came home with scratches because he always tries to touch my cats belly. I felt belittled and at first I. Thought okay they are just trying to be supportive but really no.

    I have to move on Tuesday all of it. It’s a lot of stress at once. I will work towards feeling like I am loveable and letting go of this social dynamic that is not a fit.

    I saw my boyfriend for maybe 5 minutes and just wanted to go home. I’ve been home for about 30 minutes and I am trying to self soothe with music. I have been through worse and I know I will get through this.

    #376367
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes I would feel very lonely although I still feel lonely even being in a relationship. I’m working too much but will see him today. I really do think I have a hard time being just single.

    #376353
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for congratulating me I am very hopeful. Even though I try my best to communicate with him I don’t think this is working out. He tried ordering me an expensive dyson vacuum after I told him please don’t buy me expensive things so I paid him for it but it just doesn’t feel good internally. It doesn’t feel like a truly supportive. So I will go to see his house tomorrow and sit down with him to end it and his mom lives with him too. She has been trying to get me to stop by saying she has house warming gifts for me. When I first met her she told me he was rude to her and I should of listened better and I wish I could ask her to specify. There is not emotional support between us it feel like and that feels worse than just being single. and he just has a rude tone towards me to many times. I don’t need his help.

    I hope you have the best day Anita thank you for your patience.

    #376256
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the phone interview went well and so did the video interview that occurred today. The cleaning job wants to move forward with references and a background check. They seem to be a very ethos focus company. It started in 2014 by one person. They try to take good care of employees and clients by remaining in tune. She gave me an example of when a clients pet had died and they brought the client flowers or if I were to be a team lead it is very meaningful because a lot of workers that start have unstable backgrounds. She asked me how I would feel not utilizing all of my strengths since I have a background in science and I said it would free up my energy to work on art and invest in myself.

    I talked more with my boyfriend about why I felt upset. I said I didn’t feel supported and wondered why it was okay for a whole day to go by and we don’t speak. I wonder how you are an would like to have someone in my life who cares enough to ask how I am or wonder. We basically had a deeper conversation about how my stress and changes are really stressing him out and he doesn’t know how to best help but he has been looking at really strong vacuums for me. He specifically is bothered by cat hair and he is allergic somewhat so I understand that. He has never really moved before either and his back was hurting him so that is why he didn’t want to spend time together when I asked. He also thought I had to move all at once over the weekend which is why he told me he won’t help pack but he will help move boxes. We both agreed we didn’t have good direct communication and that can improve.

    I told him that I don’t want him to buy me expensive things or do all these errands for me what I want is connection and when we don’t talk or see each other it feels like that diminishes. I tend to forget that I am his second relationship so maybe a lot of this stems from a lack of experience?

    either way I am learning how to communicate better I think and I am considering this new job to be positive. Even though it may not utilize my training and skills it is still meaningful. I think cleaning technicians do not get as much credit as they deserve.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Zeeza.
    #376208
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I also reapplied for the cleaning job and rescheduled a phone interview for today at noon.

    I think last time I may have failed to click all the buttons when submitting my time for a phone interview. So that’s nice at least to have that set up.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 408 total)