February 12, 2020 at 2:08 am #337742
Zeeza and Anita I will answer shortly. I am sorry to just be getting back to you..Thank you both for your posts. I will be able to respond in a few hours.
LisaFebruary 12, 2020 at 7:19 am #337776
Respond anytime, when you can, no time limit here, no such thing as being late to your thread!
anitaFebruary 14, 2020 at 6:03 pm #338386
I am right now alone in my misery again. I had to sell something at work that we do not normally sell. The customer caught me off guard and I had to be calm at work tonight because passive aggressive people upset me Saturday and I had to be calm tonight but I went against my beliefs in order to stay calm and not lose my job, my benefits. I am not even going to say what it was because human beings are insensitive creatures and I am not going to be laughed at or mocked.
So now I am here crying and upset that I wouldn’t throw my job and my benefits away. That makes me a coward but I do not have help. I have no support.
I need to be doing what I am supposed to be doing so I do not have to go out in the world and have to listen to the most vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them. No one stops these creeps from stomping all over the world and do whatever they want. No one protects the helpless and I can’t do anything. Good people who want to belong just go along with the creeps because they are weak and I’m alone.
Why does the universe always put me in these awful positions?
No one cares that I am upset or why.
They have been looking for an excuse to get rid of me and throw me in a recycling bucket.February 15, 2020 at 9:11 am #338436
It is a good thing you do have a job that includes benefits. It is admirable that you still do take care of yourself financially.
You wrote in your recent post about people you encounter in the world: “the most vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them”.
Based on my years long communication with you, mostly in your previous thread, I am listing what I believe to be your four core beliefs:
Core Belief #1: you see men as creeps who are “stomping all over the world and do whatever they want”
Core Belief #2: you see women as weak people who accommodate men and “go along with the creeps”.
Core Belief #3: You see yourself as a woman rebel who does not go along with the creeps and suffers for it.
Core Belief #4: the universe (as a higher power) wants you to suffer throughout your life, and therefore, it intentionally and repeatedly puts you in situations where people mistreat you.
Most recently, you suffered a customer treating you passive-aggressively and you controlled your desire to call him up on it/ to rebel (“I went against my beliefs in order to stay calm and not lose my job, my benefits”), and because you didn’t act like the Rebel that you feel pride in, you feel instead like a coward (“That makes me a coward”).
The core beliefs I listed above are very rigid/ inflexible. You expressed these with consistency all through the months and years.
I am not a medical doctor or any type of health professional, but I can recommend to you that you see a health professional and be re-evaluated for the purpose of figuring out (if it wasn’t done so far) if you fit one or a combination of Cluster A personality disorders.
Wiki states the following about the symptoms in the cluster A, schizotypical personality disorder: “acute discomfort in close relationships, cognitive or perceptual distortions, and eccentricities of behavior… have difficulties bonding with others and experience extreme anxiety n social situations. They tend to react inappropriately or not react at all during a conversation”
And it states the following regarding the symptoms in the Cluster A, paranoid personality disorder: “a pattern of irrational suspicion and mistrust of others, interpreting motivations as malevolent… interpret the actions of others as deliberately threatening and demeaning.. often resort to angry or aggressive outbursts”.
Maybe following a re-evaluation by a professional, preferably by a team of professionals, you can receive a better treatment than what you have received so far, and maybe, so I hope, the poor quality of your experience can significantly improve.
anitaFebruary 16, 2020 at 3:06 am #338502
Anita, thank you for your answer. I do often feel the way you describe in my core beliefs but you can include women in the basic creep description as well. Insecure women have to passive aggressively take down others.
I appreciate your evaluation without knowing all the facts but I am not imagining bullying. I am very sensitive to it. My only problem is not being able to regulate my reaction to bullying through having experienced since birth and hormones.
I have had people I should trust play games with someone they think they can to get me out of work and friendships. To not acknowledge that these people exist only in my mind does not keep in mind my intelligence. I have a problem with emotional regulation because of almost constant hurts but my mentally abilities are too much intact. I often wish I was blissfully unaware that I would be a happier person. People flock around others with problems (name them) but they treat women with hormonal problems and bully victims like they have something they should stay far away from.
My biggest fantasy is to become very very very successful and go back to my places of work and let former abusers see they can’t do anything to me anymore and that I am untouchable.
What I was upset about yesterday was because someone bought something that upset me as a vegetarian. They made a big deal to tell me what it was they were buying. I had been in trouble the day before because I left work after a parade of women who couldn’t possibly be that dense gave me a really hard time and one yet again commented on something she knew would upset me.
Are there more people who are dense than I thought? I am starting to believe that. I always knew there were bullies but now I have to come to terms with this? No one puts up with my issues but I am supposed to be sensitive to everyone else?
My mental abilities have got me physically in a place where I am surviving. I do not have hallucinations.
Oh how I would love go quietly flaunt my success around everyone who pushed me aside and belittled me. How I would love to run the place and be their boss. I would treat them the way they should have treated me. Show them how they should treat others that they work with and make them work in an environment where they can not push anyone around.
Poor little bullies. What would they do if someone made them behave themselves?February 16, 2020 at 4:30 am #338506
I apologize for the poor wording and typos above. I had just woke up, I type from my phone and I wanted to get out my thoughts quickly because I had to get ready for work.
I know how to articulate. I am just not the best typist.February 16, 2020 at 7:07 am #338522
I know that you know how to articulate, and I was always okay with your typing. But you have apologized dozen of times for your typing, maybe even more often. As if it is an offense to mistype. Even if you mistype or misspell here and there, it is not an offense. It is not a wrongdoing that requires an apology.
“I do not have hallucinations”- I didn’t suggest that you have hallucinations. I suggested that you may suffer from a pscyzotypical personality disorder which in its definition according to the DSM-5, includes suffering from cognitive distortions, not hallucinations.
Almost everyone expresses cognitive distortions, but your cognitive distortions- the four core beliefs I stated, (and I do correct #1 to include women being creeps, not only men), are so pervasive and relentless that they have led you to a lifetime so far (you recently entered your sixth decade) of suffering a whole lot and never having any kind of a relationship with a man, something that you desired since you were a young girl.
“I am not imagining bullying”- bullying exists of course, so does the worst kind of bullying, aka child abuse. And you did suffer bullying as a child and from time to time this or that person is rude to you. But not as often as you imagine it to be.
For example, just the other day, “someone bought something that upset me as a vegetarian. They made a big deal to tell me that it was they were buying”- this may not at all be a bullying act. Someone said they were buying a burger, let’s say, and you figure that person was bullying you. You wrote about that woman or another woman that she “yet again commented on something she knew would upset me”- you think that people want to upset you on purpose, so anytime someone says something that you don’t agree with, you think it is an act of bullying.
I will correct Core Belief #4 (the correction is the added italicized words): the universe (as a higher power and as the people in it) wants you to suffer throughout your life, and therefore, it intentionally and repeatedly puts you in situations where people mistreat you.
Back to when you didn’t imagine abuse and neglect, it being that these things really happened in your life (your teenage mother/ parents handed you to a foster home a few states away, after about six months you were found by your maternal grandmother who brought you home where you grew up with your mother as your aunt, and your grandmother as your mother, while your aunts and uncles, way older than you, fought a lot with each other, at times bullied you and one even sexually abused you, if I remember correctly. You spent a lot of time in your room blocking your door, so no one can enter.
Wikipedia states regarding schizotypical personality disorder: “There is now evidence to suggest that parenting styles, early separation, trauma/maltreatment history (especially early childhood neglect) can lead to the development of schizotypical traits”.
I suggested that you see professionals to get re-evaluated, that maybe you suffer from a combination of schizotypical and paranoid personality disorders. But what is it that you were diagnosed with by this time in your life, was there a mental diagnosis (correct or incorrect) that was already made?
(I may add another post before you answer the above, later on).
anitaFebruary 16, 2020 at 10:19 am #338542
I re-read some of your first Thread, Alone, a fitting title to your ongoing life experience.
I asked you above if you were diagnosed by a professional, and I found at least part of the answer in your May 2017 share: “My parents were teenagers when I was born. They were possibly involved in drugs and drinking of some kind in the late 60s… I remember all through childhood I had to take a pill everyday supposedly to calm me down… I was described as a hyperactive child. I was put on a pill daily. When I was around 14-15 a doctor ho took over the practice of my other doctor refused to prescribe the pill for me.. that it was ‘speed’… my ocd became worse. I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have tortured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my ocd”-
-You were born to a teenage mother who possibly drank alcohol and used other drugs. Here is what a study in www. ncbi. nlm. nih. gov states: “Studies on children prenatally exposed to maternal opioid and poly- substance abuse show an increased risk of regulatory problems, such as behavioral and emotional problems, aggression, attention deficits, and ADHD symptoms”. Wikipedia on ADHD states: “Alcohol intake during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol spectrum disorders which can include ADHD or symptoms like it”. It also states: “Exposure to tobacco smoke during pregnancy can cause problems with central nervous system development and can increase the risk of ADHD”, and that “extreme neglect, abuse, or social deprivation also increase the risk”.
If your mother drank alcohol, and/ or smoked tobacco, and/ or took opioids or other powerful drugs while she was a teenager, not planning on getting pregnant, not knowing she was pregnant for a while, then maybe not knowing that she wasn’t supposed to drink, smoke, etc., then to top that, she did what you certainly know that she did: give you away to a foster home in another state, and maybe there you suffered extreme neglect and social deprivation (I don’t know)- then this was a very, very unfortunate start of your life, leading to neurological damage expressed in Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
* One ongoing compulsion you have is to edit your posts, correcting mistyped or misspelled words, and when you run out of edits, you feel the compulsion to post an apology. Your first apology was on May 2, 2017: “Sorry for spelling mistakes or typos rather in my post. I was very tried and should have checked”, and the most recent apology is two years and nine months later, Feb 16, 2020: “I apologize for the poor wording and typos above. I had just woke up… I am just not the best typist”.
Similar to you, I was also described as a hyperactive child who couldn’t sit still. I did have trouble paying attention throughout my years in school and beyond. I too had OCD, having been diagnosed with the latter, performing hundreds of rituals, or compulsions, such as the few you described.
In May 2017, at 48 years old, you shared: “I can barely take care of myself because of emotional problems. Most of my energy has been spent keeping a roof over my head.. I have worked long and hard doing many jobs I do not like.. I am always in a survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode… I had two tiring but somewhat fulfilling jobs in my life that I spent many years at. I could have moved up but lost both to my mood problems and crying… for not being able to control my emotions”-
-that neurological damage of childhood led to dysfunction in the employment context, as well as not being able to afford your own comfortable apartment: “I rent a room. I am 48. I have a low paying job”. The dysfunction extends to your social life as well, leading to the title of your first thread, Alone.
You are welcome to keep posting here anytime you’d like. You can respond to what I wrote to you, or not. It is your choice here, on your thread, to do as you please.
March 2, 2020 at 6:12 am #340892
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you for your supportive post. I like the ideas you presented and appreciate them.
I want to take care of pets when I have my own home and can be there most of the time. I do take care of other people’s pets though so I do spend time with animals.
I also do try the other things you suggest like music.
I believe in the title of my thread but I am not going to sound very optimistic right now.
I want to say that I appreciate your post and I am sorry it took so long to respond.
March 8, 2020 at 9:14 pm #342398
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Lisa.
Thank you Anita,
Pretty well stuck at the moment.March 9, 2020 at 5:59 am #342420
Back in May 2017, in your first thread, Alone, you wrote: “I am always in a survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then just remain in a survival mode”.
You started your second thread, Choosing Love, with a burst of ambition, January 15, 2019, more than a year ago: “I feel I have many issues so it will be a challenge but I am only placing one guideline for myself in this thread. That is to avoid agonizing over my problems and approaching them the way I would approach a subject in school. I will try to figure it out as I go. I also have to be willing to do the homework”.
The burst of ambition fizzled yet again, but if you focus on your goal to approach your problems the way you would approach a subject in school, you can revive and resurrect this thread. It may be impossible for you to avoid agonizing over your problems (first part of your stated goal), but it is possible for you to do the second part of your stated goal.
You did share before how good you were at school. Approach your problems, approach your life as a whole then, as if it was a subject in school and you are the teacher and the student.
Keep posting here (and resist the compulsion to edit and apologize for spelling or grammar mistakes best you can).
anitaMarch 9, 2020 at 7:57 am #342436
Please feel free to respond anytime no worries about when 🙂
May I ask and if there is particular music that is helpful? Glad you have a chance to be around animals. In my town we have cat cafés where you can pet all the kitties. I don’t know if you have something like this but wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all hang out at a kitty café and talk about choosing love.
When I think of choosing love I think of authenticity. Sometimes being optimistic is hard so I try my best to be as neutral as possible and honest. It’s okay to not be ok. I try my best in these moments to tell myself I trust that it will be okay even if it isn’t right now.
So if I feel sad or frustrated I will say to myself I noticed I am feeling sad. What can I do to help and comfort myself?
Thank you for starting this thread I love being able to brainstorm ways of choosing love in a supportive environment and hearing your ideas.
I collect heart shaped rocks and give them away. They are like worry stones to hold and calm oneself. I wish I could give you one 🙂
ZeezaMarch 22, 2020 at 4:22 pm #344668
I am thinking about you and wondering how you are managing during this pandemic. I hope you are keeping yourself as safe as possible, taking best care of yourself.