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Just gonna say what I need to say x

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Tee.
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  • #420459
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello all. So there are some things on my mind and I really need to vent. I know I should see a therapist, when I’ve got the money I hope I have the clear mindedness to do so.</p>
    So I am heartbroken. I’m crying as I write this actually.

    I’m heartbroken because I can see women looking at me sometimes when I walk past them but I can’t look back. I’d rather throw away every chance to be with someone else. I know there’s no chance I’ll get back with my ex but I just don’t feel like I deserve love on a really deep level and I’m just so hurt about what happened that I am closing every doorway in

    I don’t date (I can’t right now). I’ve had two one night stands since that were fun but I didn’t get their numbers after (if you know what I mean). I feel completely alone and I don’t even want to go into certain other aspects of my life, such as my family, friends, jobs, passions, etc. That’s not to say they are all in jeopardy, it’s just that it’s all changing a lot and it’s not the core issue, like a brief description is that I barely have a relationship with my family, that I want new friends and I am open to meeting new them. It’s okay.

    All is not lost… But goddamn do I feel sad.

    I wish I met someone who knew how it felt to love with all your heart. How it felt to let that person down after it was too late to ever put it right. I loved her so much and now I just hate myself for screwing it up. I feel like I’m just a rotten person.

    I have cried so much and I’m so tired. I don’t have the energy to be anything but someone who is the recipient of any kind of affection or interest, I am so low on any ability to be assertive or “outward”. I am hurting so much.

    And I guess the only solution is to find a therapist. But anyway, thanks for reading if you did. I hope I find an answer or a way soon… I am so tired of this.

     

    #420461
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Hello Chris,

    I wish I had immediate words to help ease your pain. Heartbreaks are hard to go through. Especially processing why it all occurred. To be responsible we try to figure out what we could have done differently or did wrong. The toxic version of this would be saying I am bad I am wrong (shame) instead of guilt ‘I did something wrong’. When we process things with shame it can change our core beliefs such as not deserving love. You are worthy of love.

    when we go through loss we go through grief. There is a lot on the internet about the stages of grief

    “5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance”. I noticed that sometimes I go through experience more than one stage at a time, or in no particular order. Healing is possible and takes time.

    I wonder if the state you live in has free local mental healthcare? There is usually something available to help people but it depends on the state.

    When grieving and in deep sadness, it is easy to get stuck in a loop. I bring this up to help break into a different path of self care instead of the loop. The loop is not eating, not communicating with people, and shutting down. I use to do this a lot and it made it very hard to leave my house or do anything. So I suggest to please eat something nutritious, talk with someone if you feel safe to do so, and perhaps go to the woods to be with nature? if you like nature. Sometimes jut breathing into the forest can feel like nature is giving us a hug, and we are able to have new thoughts. There is an old indigenous philosophy that thought and space are connected.

    I wish you the best on your healing journey

    Zeeza

    #420462
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Chris

    Please hang on in there even though it is tough. If you can go and sit out in nature, look and really see the marvel of life on this earth and let it start to help restore and nourish you. Nature is non judgemental and a great companion.

    Please look after yourself, we are here to support you.

     

     

    #420517
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Chris,

    I loved her so much and now I just hate myself for screwing it up. I feel like I’m just a rotten person.

    I just don’t feel like I deserve love on a really deep level and I’m just so hurt about what happened that I am closing every doorway in

    I am very sorry you feel so bad about yourself, Chris. I hear a lot of self-condemnation and the belief that you are a rotten person who doesn’t deserve love on a deep level. It’s not true, Chris. Even if you made some mistakes, you deserve love. We all deserve love on a deep level. I hope you can realize and get to feel that during the course of your therapy.

    I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, where you were talking about a sense of emptiness. You also said: “I want a deeper spiritual connection with life but I simply don’t know how to get it

    Are you still feeling this sense of emptiness and lack of spiritual connection?

     

    #420518
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I forgot about that post. What a blast from the past… Thank you for your concern.

    That spirituality that I was seeking… I have. I do. I am not addicted to anything much, I’m quite disciplined in many respects now.

    To be honest I completely forgot I made that post and it’s one of the few things I have from that far back in time! It’s actually got me feeling quite good because I have on many other levels grown unbelievably since then.

    That spiritual void, is gone. Haha, here I am being grateful even though I’ve definitely felt better but, yes, I can safely say I don’t feel a lack of spiritual connection!

    That said, I’m not feeling so good ATM but, I really have to thank you for reminding me of that post (as embarrassing as it is haha)… I forgot how far I’d come, actually.

    Thank you 😊

     

    #420520
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey Chris,

    you’re welcome! I am glad you’ve come a long way since then and that you don’t feel a spiritual void any more, and also are much more stable and not addicted to anything in excess. Good for you!

    I do hope you’ll feel better about yourself, even if this breakup caused you a great heartbreak and regret.

    I don’t have the energy to be anything but someone who is the recipient of any kind of affection or interest, I am so low on any ability to be assertive or “outward”. I am hurting so much.

    Perhaps what you need at the moment is lots of compassion, understanding and non-judgment. The best to receive this is from a therapist or a support group, not necessarily from a romantic partner. Because romantic partners do have expectations on us, while a therapist doesn’t. We can show up as we are, unfiltered, and we will be accepted. That might help you charge your “batteries” and only receive, rather than needing to give or perform or please anybody. What do you say?

     

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