Linarra,

You aren’t just taking steps to healing. You are taking leaps. Pretty soon you’ll be on top of the mountain looking back on the person you are now thanking her for getting you here.

Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. There are support groups for that such as this facebook one: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1443764532410920/?notif_id=1626611656633604&notif_t=group_r2j_approved&ref=notif

Let me know if that link works. 🙂 If not just do a search.

She’s inappropriately touching your private parts during manic moments where she doesn’t think anything of it? Intentional or not that is abuse. She seems like a very sick person. She is the one who has serious boundary issues- both physical and emotional. You deserve better. And it’s okay to forgive yourself for not knowing she was using and manipulating you as a child. You had to be the adult, the emotional support. Reminds of that Kelly Clarkson song “Because Of You.” I hope you know that you deserved love and attention and emotional support too. The childhood messages you received as being a burden well you are just started to uncover and deconstruct them  but it will take time. I would revisit this issue with a professional if you can afford one. If not, note this is a major healing milestone- just to acknowledge one’s own suffering in life is important. You know the causes. You just need to go through the actual awakening of the person you were  born to be.

That guy sounds awful though. I’m sorry you had trouble with that experience, esp as you were trying to be less avoidant. Nothing is worse than trusting again than being forced back into our shell.

As for not letting your mom go right now, you can still have boundaries of staying away from her. This might help – you cannot control or change her actions. So if they are triggering to you, remember that she will never change no matter what you say or do. It is not your responsibility to change her. You are her daughter but you are not hers. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.

Let me repeat that. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.

There are things you are uncovering about yourself that are I’m sure difficult to face. The fact that trauma affected your functioning as an adult is something many experience with narcissistic parents.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect or where you want to be at. Don’t associate it with your worth. The two have nothing to do with each other. You’ve lived through a lot and it’s still hard. But you’re not alone in this mess. 🙂

I understand what it’s like being stuck. Networking is a really great tool to finding answers though. For example, I’m a writer so I network with #writingcommunity on twitter. Or I join support groups like The Soulsisterhood I mentioned posts ago. I tell others about my struggles and they offer solutions.

I want you to try a visualization practice everyday. Focus on what you really want your life to look like. How would it feel like to be there? What would you need to get there? It doesn’t have to be a conventional life. Maybe you start a business or you partner with a person who has a following already or you build a brand rather than have a job. Fyi- I’m on disability living at home with my mom and I’ve used this time to build a brand image of speaker, writer and activist. I volunteer and am very involved. Volunteering is another way to get yourself in somewhere. It will also give you meaning and purpose to find things to do like this. You never know where it could lead. Maybe back to yourself 🙂

I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere! So message here as much as you need. If you want to read Man’s Search for Meaning, let me know if you like it. The other two books are on Amazon just search the titles. 🙂

Lastly, I know this is hard but see yourself. See your true self. See your beauty. See your worth. See that you’re a survivor. See that you mean something. See that you can make a difference. See that your story isn’t over yet. Because life has so much more to offer you. Everything could change tomorrow so why stop now?

I’m cheering you on.

Sarah