Thank you both for your responses. I have contemplated what you have said over the past few days. I realize I cannot blame the loss of my religion for all of my sadness and disappointed. As I was experiencing my sadness, I also realized suddenly that I am sort of being a spoiled brat about life. It’s as if I’m saying, “I’m not going to be happy unless I have a perfect life, and I am pretty upset that perfect life hasn’t been presented to me yet!” Hahaha – but seriously, that is sort of the attitude underlying all my disappointment. I look at happy people and I do think part of it is they just have humbly accepted what life has dealt them and find joy wherever they can. I don’t know where I got this horrible sense of entitlement.

I also appreciated the suggestion to just get out and have an adventure. I am trying to just have more fun each day. It’s true I am so amazingly focused on working and improving that I often forget to just be myself and have fun. I am  trying. One thing that gets in my way are my two doggies! I hate to leave them, and I don’t really have anyone to help me watch them. I do have one woman I might ask. Your idea of joining a commune of sorts is tempting. All of those ideas are good. I don’t know how I would swing it. There aren’t many of those  opportunities where I live now. I was about to sell my house and move to a small house in Iowa, but alas I have saved that adventure for another day. Also it seems I always think those kinds of moves will solve my problems, but they rarely do.

I was doing better, but today I was feeling sad again. One thing that always brings me down is a sense that I have failed in life. I really feel that I have. I was one of those gifted children, and I thought I would achieve so much! But here I am having so little. It is hard to go on often. I have not done as much as I thought I would career wise (my friends are doctors and lawyers and ceos). I don’t have the family I always wanted. I tried real estate and it’s a joke; I hate trying to sell myself. So – there is so much shame, and I know this gets in the way of me connecting with others. I tried to move into other careers that would draw on my natural talents more, but they have not worked out. I’m tired of trying.

With the failure of my real estate attempt, I am feeling I will wholeheartedly throw myself into teaching again. I will try to be successful there.

Another thing I didn’t tell you is I am sort of involved with someone. It is not perfect, but some of the time I respect him and feel we connect, and it does give me a sense of security. And he really does love me. He has a company and he is on the brink of some serious success. If that works out, it will open many opportunities to us. It will be interesting to see if it happens and how that changes me. I am thinking it is life’s secret gift it has been waiting to give me. I hope that is the case. We’ll see :-).

Thank you for listening and helping! Sorry for the slow response.