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C. R. Smith

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  • #383408
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Note: I regret saying “ugly” in my post. I don’t believe anyone is ugly! I should have said imperfect, as all of us are imperfect. And I should have said overweight rather than fat. That was insensitive and disrespectful of me. Sorry!

    #383407
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Hi Felix – Thanks for sharing your feelings. Even though I’m a girl, I can relate to feeling insecure about your appearance. Your insecurity is about your height, but for someone else it is their weight. For another it is their face. For someone else it  might be they are too tall. So many of us, no MOST of us do not have an ideal body. We have to love ourselves in spite of our imperfections.

    One thing I wonder – do you really hate your height or is it more that feel others judge you because of your height, and so you height it? Because if it’s the latter, and it probably is, the real problem is that you are too worried about others’ opinions of you. Who really cares what other people think? The truth is most of them are too busy thinking about their own imperfections to notice yours. There are MANY short men and fat women and ugly men and ugly women who feel GREAT about themselves because they don’t focus on what other people think of them. One thing that helps me is to think of myself as my own child. Would I criticize my child because her face isn’t perfect? Would I reject my son because he wasn’t tall? Of course not! I would love the child just the same. This is  how we have to be with ourselves.

    We are each given one life to live. Life doesn’t really care what we look like. We can all enjoy nature, learn, grow, build friendships and experience all the amazing things life has for us no matter our height, appearance, etc. Life is the gift given to everyone.

    I hope you will look beyond your height and start thinking about the things that REALLY matter in life. I am trying to do this, too. I hope we both can do it!

    #383341
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Thank you both for your responses. I have contemplated what you have said over the past few days. I realize I cannot blame the loss of my religion for all of my sadness and disappointed. As I was experiencing my sadness, I also realized suddenly that I am sort of being a spoiled brat about life. It’s as if I’m saying, “I’m not going to be happy unless I have a perfect life, and I am pretty upset that perfect life hasn’t been presented to me yet!” Hahaha – but seriously, that is sort of the attitude underlying all my disappointment. I look at happy people and I do think part of it is they just have humbly accepted what life has dealt them and find joy wherever they can. I don’t know where I got this horrible sense of entitlement.

    I also appreciated the suggestion to just get out and have an adventure. I am trying to just have more fun each day. It’s true I am so amazingly focused on working and improving that I often forget to just be myself and have fun. I am  trying. One thing that gets in my way are my two doggies! I hate to leave them, and I don’t really have anyone to help me watch them. I do have one woman I might ask. Your idea of joining a commune of sorts is tempting. All of those ideas are good. I don’t know how I would swing it. There aren’t many of those  opportunities where I live now. I was about to sell my house and move to a small house in Iowa, but alas I have saved that adventure for another day. Also it seems I always think those kinds of moves will solve my problems, but they rarely do.

    I was doing better, but today I was feeling sad again. One thing that always brings me down is a sense that I have failed in life. I really feel that I have. I was one of those gifted children, and I thought I would achieve so much! But here I am having so little. It is hard to go on often. I have not done as much as I thought I would career wise (my friends are doctors and lawyers and ceos). I don’t have the family I always wanted. I tried real estate and it’s a joke; I hate trying to sell myself. So – there is so much shame, and I know this gets in the way of me connecting with others. I tried to move into other careers that would draw on my natural talents more, but they have not worked out. I’m tired of trying.

    With the failure of my real estate attempt, I am feeling I will wholeheartedly throw myself into teaching again. I will try to be successful there.

    Another thing I didn’t tell you is I am sort of involved with someone. It is not perfect, but some of the time I respect him and feel we connect, and it does give me a sense of security. And he really does love me. He has a company and he is on the brink of some serious success. If that works out, it will open many opportunities to us. It will be interesting to see if it happens and how that changes me. I am thinking it is life’s secret gift it has been waiting to give me. I hope that is the case. We’ll see :-).

    Thank you for listening and helping! Sorry for the slow response.

    #382989
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your kindness in responding to me.  It is nice to be heard. I would say beauty in nature and beauty in people are two very different things. Beauty is super important in life; why would we have eyes if not to experience the beauty of our amazing planet? There is no denying that experiencing the beauty of nature makes one’s life better. BUT it is the internal experience while in the presence of beauty which really matters. So, yes, there are invisible things at play. And I agree that I can appreciate what beauty there is here. But what I was wondering, and this applies to so many things,  if aspects of your life really are not great. Or say an essential need is not being met (and maybe having access to beautiful places IS an essential need), should one still just BE and stop TRYING to CHANGE THINGS or  should one seek a change? As I’ve been thinking of this, it does seem if you are experiencing anxiety and desperation, it is best to embrace the present with all its imperfections, and when one is at peace, the best path will present itself.

    My loneliness: That was really just an aside, but it definitely is making my life less fulfilling and rewarding. I also feel shame about it. I appreciate you saying you want to try to connect with me. I feel a connection, even though it’s virtual. I don’t know where to start on this one. A big issue is  that I spent the first 35 years of my life deeply enmeshed in a religion which gave me immense meaning and security. Everything in my life was geared toward that religion. I had many great friends in the religion. Then I found out the religion was not based on true events. I tried to continue to be part of the religion, but I felt so hypocritical. Losing the religion stripped me of  my security and sense of meaning. I also have trouble truly feeling a connection with others because they don’t share those essential life experiences that came through my religion. One thing that has hurt me also, I think, is having my two sons grow up and leave home. Being a mother gave me meaning (although I was very depressed then, too). But I feel if I embrace the idea that I am still a mom, and they are my children, and this will always be one of the most meaningful things I have done, I feel more confident and at peace.

    Work: Those were great suggestions I gave! I do agree with them. But I am definitely NOT 60% okay with my job. I keep my job because it pays quite well, I work from home, and my hours are completely flexible. But my work provides no fulfillment. I don’t feel good about accomplishing anything. I don’t experience flow hardly ever. So it like I am living a lie to do my job. I often have to sleep in the middle of the day to “come down” from the show I am putting on for everyone.  On one hand I do try to do a good job, and my students really like me, so I feel sort of okay about that. But since it is a lie, I feel pretty horrible about it. I have tried to do other things, but it’s hard to replace the salary and the  work from home and the flexibility. I read the woman who writes Brain Pickings 7 Keys to a Happy Life, and she says never do something only for money, prestige or to assuage guilt. I would say I do my job only for money, and I do feel it has hurt my spiritual growth. I started selling real estate on the side. That has been sort of okay, but I really don’t like trying to say the right thing in the right way to get someone to let me help them buy or sell a house. HOWEVER I think I am going to try to totally be okay with my life and job  as is and see what happens. I will try to practice gratitude, self-discipline, self-care, etc., and I will try focusing on my students rather than the curriculum and see what happens. I feel good about this plan.

    Thank you for listening to me! If you have more questions or ideas, I would love to hear them.

    #136329
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    I often feel this way, also. I’m sure that many others feel this way, too, regardless of how they actually look. One thing that has helped me is this: I think about the people I’ve known that I respect most in life. You know, those people you think are just amazing humans. Then I consider: How good looking are they? Guess what? They aren’t necessarily good looking at all! Their looks have NOTHING to do with why I value them. Then I think of some good looking people I know. Yes, I may envy them and their looks. But again – guess what? Their looks don’t affect how I truly feel about them as friends or people in any way! I have a couple of friends who happen to be wonderful AND good looking. But interestingly, I don’t really think of them as good looking. Again, their value has nothing to do with their looks. Beyond being used as a tool to make quick, superficial judgments or to litter a website, LOOKS ARE IRRELEVANT. It is hard for me to remember this. I must remind myself of it 20 times an hour. But, it is true. I would be so much happier if I could truly embrace it. Maybe you can embrace it, too. You are soooo much more than your physical package. Think about everything that makes life meaningful. Almost all of it is invisible.

    #55277
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Hi Parul!

    I may be the absolute worst person to give advice on this subject as I am 48 and am still looking for my right career! However, you and I have similar interests , and perhaps something I have to say will make you think.

    1 – We have the power to help others in any job by the way we do our work with pride and honor and by the way we treat our coworkers and customers. Truly giving to others is a matter of who you are, not what you do.
    2 – No job is going to be 100% perfect! Often we feel that if only I can find the right job, I will be 100% happy! It’s not true! No job will make you totally happy. Shoot for something that feels like at least 60% of the time you will be enjoying your daily tasks. Also, being so obsessed with finding the perfect job is pretty much the opposite of living with acceptance and gratitude.
    3 – I actually earned my master’s degree in counseling. I really thought I wanted to be a counselor, but I found out that good counselors make connections with others easily, and that is not me. I only truly connect with a very few people, and the clients I worked with sensed this. I also realized that what drew me to counseling was probably more a desire to understand and heal myself than really help others. I wanted to help others, but when it came to being in a room with someone I could not relate to, it just didn’t work. That being said, studying counseling has helped me understand people a lot better, which has helped me in my other pursuits. Of course, you might be someone who connects easily with others. If so, this may be the career for you!
    4 – We can never know for sure which path is the best path for us. We can quiet our mind, try to be 100% honest with ourselves, but in the end making a choice will always involve some risk. At some point you have to say, I feel good about this and I’m going to go for it even though I’m not 100% sure! If you end up less happy than you had hoped to be, perhaps you felt drawn to the choice because you needed to learn something from it that will eventually take you to your place of peace.
    5 – Some things you might want to consider as you explore your options more:
    What is it about me that prevented me from finding a fulfilling job in human resources? Is just switching careers the answer, or do I need to learn something from my HR experience first?
    What daily tasks does the career I’m considering involve? Is this really how I want to spend 40 hours per week?
    What has always come naturally to me in life? What activities in life seem to bring me the most joy? Does my career choice involve these things?

    Maybe some of these ideas will help you. I hope so!

    One more idea: Did you consider finding a job in employee wellness? Perhaps in a job like that you could use your existing degree and still help people.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by C. R. Smith.
    #54589
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    I started out in advertising, and I felt the same way you feel. There was a sense that I was lying to people, and it bothered me. I have also taken jobs in the past that I didn’t feel 100% great about, and in the end I have never been satisfied. It also seems if you compromise once, it is easier to compromise again, and then your entire life becomes a compromise. (Okay, that may be a bit simplistic.) On the other hand, I am sure there are many happy, fulfilled people in the world who got started doing a job that wasn’t a good fit for them at all.

    Here are some other questions that might lead you to some understanding: Do you like the people you have met so far? If you became more like these people, would you consider that a good thing? What would your tasks be? Do you believe in the product or service you would be marketing? If you really don’t get a good vibe from the company, do you think you could handle that for more than 6 months?

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