Forum Replies Created
November 18, 2022 at 5:50 pm #410244
Hi Tricia –
I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling. Breakups can be very painful, especially if you have abandonment issues.
I just want to say – you need to put yourself first. He showed you that he doesn’t care about you by the way he treated you. So now you must look out for yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to harbor any bitterness toward him; you just need to see him as not important to you any more. So – if being friends with him is good for you and makes you feel loved and happy, then be his friend If not, then I would just tell him you know longer want to be his friend and just walk away. Focus on other people at work who are friends to you, and of course remember your best friend is always yourself. I have tried to be friends with an ex, and I realize it was always for him not for me. You deserve better. He doesn’t deserve your friendship.October 31, 2022 at 5:58 am #409383
Thank you!October 30, 2022 at 7:35 pm #409370
I’m just curious – what is magical thinking? Can you give some examples? Thanks!October 30, 2022 at 7:26 pm #409369
I’m glad you are feeling better, Csihdu. I like the simple pleasures you identified, and you gave me some ideas! I need to stay off of social media, too. It’s funny – I think if everyone on this forum could sit down and chat once a week we would all feel so supported and so much better! Maybe think that we all would do that if we could. I have lack of attachment issues, which are probably similar to abandonment issues. One thing that helps me is to repeat to myself over and over – I am loved, I am loved, I am loved. AND I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. It really calms me down and helps me connect with myself, which is the most important connection. BTW the idea is from the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It; it’s what the author feels saved his life.October 28, 2022 at 6:56 pm #409279
What kind of art do you like? Portraits? Landscapes? Abstract? You can find lots of videos on YouTube that will teach you some techniques. I suggest you do that. Or you might be able to take a class in your community. There are some things you really need to learn before you just jump in. Like layering; most paintings consist of layers of colors. Like: planning your composition. So – search and learn and then begin!October 28, 2022 at 2:23 pm #409182
I so wish you could edit posts here!
phew 🙂October 28, 2022 at 2:22 pm #409181
microgoldusa.gmail.comOctober 28, 2022 at 2:22 pm #409180
Here is a business email that I respond to. I just don’t want to post my personal email for everyone to see :-). I look forward to hearing from you!
CSOctober 27, 2022 at 5:21 pm #409148
Hey Writer –
I’m glad you are feeling a little better. I so admire that you are writing a book! I know how it is to have fear and anxiety over producing something. I experienced the same thing as a teacher and now as an artist. I just have a deep fear of making a mistake, for one. With teaching it was also the stress of the deadline (being prepared for every class).
I realize you don’t need to hear this, but you write very well! Also, and this may be strange, but I would be willing to help you a little if you need it. I used to work for a publishing company as an editor. I am good at organization and coming with ideas for further development. I don’t know if that would be of any help. I’ll send you my email if it is of interest. I also just need to connect with real people as I have worked from home for so long and am pretty cut off.
CSOctober 16, 2022 at 10:28 am #408578
Thank you so much for your kind response. Specifically, thanks for helping me reframe my teaching experience. It definitely allowed me to take care of my children. And even though I didn’t love it and it ended imperfectly, that doesn’t take away from my honest and nonstop effort to teach my students well or from what they learned from me. They did have a teacher who was completely passionate for her subjects (literature and art) and who cared about them as people. Teaching also gave me the experience of gaining an abundance of knowledge about art and art history, something I treasure. You are correct that I am in a perfect situation now where I can do anything I want. So I have decided I WILL be an artist! It’s something I’ve always loved but never dedicated myself to 100%. So, now I will. Just in the past two days I’ve spent at least 4 hours a day working, and the exciting thing is . . . I completely enjoy it and lose myself in it. That tells me I am doing something I was made to do. Also, when you have something worthwhile to give yourself to, what other people think of you seems to matter much less. It’s completely irrelevant. Kind of interesting. I have a ways to go, but at least I am working towards it. (I create abstract expressionist paintings, btw. I’ve always been drawn to abstract art.) And I do think I’ll be able to sell my work soon :-). So thanks for your help! I needed someone to hear me and reassure me. I hope you have a beautiful, blessed day. – i.am.oneOctober 14, 2022 at 7:45 pm #408478
I think you are right! The problem is, I chose the path of security long ago. I should have followed my heart, but I went for the money and security. Of course I was a single mom making $8 an hour. I desperately needed money. I used to work for a law firm, and I really enjoyed it. One boss said, “I think you really like this job,” and another “I think you write better than I do.” I took the LSAT. I could have gotten in. But I was afraid to take out student loans, and I didn’t see how I could go to law school full time with two children under 5. So I became a teacher. I know that doesn’t pay much, but it was something, and I could be home when my kids were home. Anyway – it was always a deep regret that I didn’t go to law school. And now it really is too late, and I’m not sure I’m up to that intensity now anyway. But I really am glad I’m not teaching any more. I hated it! I was a good teacher in many ways, but it just brought me no joy. I did want to give counseling a try. But, I have to admit, it didn’t seem to come naturally to me. I am stimulated by logical, interesting conversation, and a lot of clients aren’t able to do that. Plus, I’m not there to be stimulated; I was there to help. I thought I would enjoy helping people with their problems, but to be honest, it got old quickly. (By the way, the reason I failed my internship is that in a teenage girls’ small group session I said that if their parents fell short in giving them what they needed, they deserved better. That’s it ( I think, they didn’t actually tell me why). I’m not sure if that is a career-ending sentence or not. I told someone else that, and they said it changed their life. Lots of people feel guilty for the way their parents treated them. I guess it just wasn’t the appropriate time and place to suggest that. Still, that was it – no closure, no comments. Just thought I’d through that in there. ) So – yea – I am now in a place where I could do something that utilizes my best talents. BUT . . . I am tired. I am older. I want to say that doesn’t matter, but it kind of does. I did paint more earnestly today. I have some talent. I’ve started writing a couple of books. I could continue. I am a little afraid of failure. And I am super lonely, so sometimes the motivation to do anything is not there. It’s tough to go day after day with minimal social interaction. But every time I’ve tried to go out and meet people, it hasn’t worked. I do feel better not having to pretend to enjoy teaching. That was soul crushing. I think the art is good. And the writing. I’ll really try and put some time into those. Still, I don’t think I should feel like I need these things to justify my value as a human being.
Another complicating factor is my lost faith. In the Mormon church, the purpose of life is very clear: to become as good of a person as you can so you are prepared to live with God after this life. So that was my driving purpose for the first 45 years of my life. That purpose kind of makes all earthly pursuits not so important. What was important was that I was kind, honest, faithful, etc. When I learned that my religion was based on one man’s lie, I lost that purpose. So I started judging myself more on the world’s standards. I go back and forth, though. Maybe my purpose should still be to become the best person I can. That seems more attainable! I think of my little dogs, and they are such great creatures because they are so loyal and loving. Would I be my best self if I just focused on being loyal and loving? And then, since I am so cut off from other people, can I really live a great life in solitude?
Maybe you could share your vision of the purpose of life.
Thanks for listening.October 13, 2022 at 6:08 pm #408424
Oops – I see it did post my responses.
Your response was hilarious! Yes, perhaps I do have that little PG inside of me secretly directing all my feelings and aspirations!
But – it is not just validation seeking ex-Mormons who are seeking a better life.
It is not JUST that I want others to see my life and approve of it. When I say I’d like to have someone in my life I connect with and that brings out my best, I couldn’t care less if someone sees that relationship or not. A relationship like that makes me feel more alive and makes me happier to be ME.
Same with a job that fits me. It makes me feel alive and invigorated to do something that draws on my talents. It’s also easier for me to work if I enjoy the work I am doing. Yes, I would like to have a job that others will admire. But if I could find a job that I truly enjoy and that pays okay, I couldn’t care less what others think of that job.
So – I’m not sure I totally agree that I should completely throw out my perfect life or at least better life aspirations.
I just remembered that this is “Tiny Buddha.” I realize perhaps you are coming from the “desire is bad” viewpoint. That is the part of Buddhism I struggle with. I’ve tried it, but I think there is an emptiness if you have no aspirations or goals. Someone once said the key to happiness is always having something to look forward to. I kind of agree. Having goals is what gets us out the door to try new things. How would we ever grow without goals?
Tennessee Williams said, “Make journeys. Attempt them. There is nothing else.”
However, I guess I could say something like, “I love who I am and where I am, but I like the challenge and opportunities that come with attempting new things.”October 13, 2022 at 5:19 pm #408423
Oh man! I answered those questions, but I guess it didn’t save my response. Tomorrow . . .October 13, 2022 at 12:05 pm #408407
I am sorry for how you are feeling, Csihdu! I feel I can relate to you in some ways. Just remember that how you feel is not what reality is. It’s just how you feel. Feelings come and go. Maybe let them run through you a bit but remember that you are the same person you were when everything was okay in your world. Feel the feelings, explore what they might tell you about yourself, but then let them go and hold on to the truth which is that every day is a new day and you still have much strength and good within you, and if you hold tight to these, you will likely find a better path for yourself.October 13, 2022 at 8:31 am #408398
Perfect life: You are at peace with who you are as a person; you have at least one deep, meaningful relationship where you can be your full, true self; you have a job in which you are able to use your best talents and which you find interesting and rewarding both intrinsically and extrinsically (pay); you have a healthy body; you are able to experience the beauty of the world on a regular basis.
Crappy life: You don’t like yourself; you have no real, fulfilling relationships; you are stuck in a job which you hate and which you feel doesn’t utilize your richest talents; you don’t have enough money to support a half-way decent life style; your body doesn’t work correctly (this alone does not make a crappy life); you life in a place that is not beautiful.
I am: a personality that was created as a result of chance and my genetic background. I am unique and beautiful, as is every creature born into the world. I will find the most happiness by discovering my own unique gifts, developing them, and finding a way to share them with the world. Gifts are provided at birth to everyone. But nature can make the living of this life difficult. There are threats and pitfalls all around us. So we have to develop strength and wisdom in order to protect ourselves and our gifts and survive in this brutal although beautiful world.