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Getting over a bad breakup

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  • #410215
    Tricia
    Participant

    Hi,

    I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago after I found out he was cheating. We had a long-distance relationship for almost three years and he overlapped his relationship with me and her for about 6 months. We work together and he was in town this week in the office where I work. He reached out to me to see if we can be friends (we were friends for 7 years before we dated). I feel so triggered from seeing him in the office this week. I’m still so heartbroken over our breakup and it’s really hard to know how easily he moved on from our relationship.  I feel so stuck and want to move on but I’m really having a hard time doing so and seeing him this week feels like such a set back.  Also he told me that we wants to be friends and I just cannot do that after everything that has happened. It’s really hard to let go and move on.  I still think about him (more than I want to).

    Does anyone have any advice about how to let go?

     

    #410223
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    >>I’m still so heartbroken over our breakup
    There are 2 ways of handling this:
    1) Self-healing – Practice confiding in your God daily, every now and then. Start journaling. A quick 5 min meditation / transcendental meditation will help.
    2) Take healing – from a professional – psychologist or a life coach. Take therapy.

    >>and it’s really hard to know how easily he moved on from our relationship.
    For all we know, it is you who thinks that he has easily moved on. He might be having his own inner battles and suffering from inner chaos.

    >>I feel so stuck and want to move on but I’m really having a hard time doing so and seeing him this week feels like such a set back.
    Feeling stuck is natural. Karma taught us that we need to be in it for some time until we learn our lessons. So I suggest you give yourself time with patience. Settle in the space and let time and nature take their turn. Seeing him will feel like a setback but let it not bother you. You have much better stuff to focus on – like your career and hobbies.

    >>Also he told me that we wants to be friends and I just cannot do that after everything that has happened.
    If being friends with him makes you feel like it is pulling you back, then don’t be friends with him. Nothing wrong with not being friends with your ex. It just denotes that you are comfortable on your own and laying the pitch to move forward in life.

    >>It’s really hard to let go and move on. I still think about him (more than I want to).
    Letting go is the last step. Some cannot really completely let go. Move forward if you cannot move on. Getting thoughts about him or thinking about him is natural. You were in a relationship for so long. Unless you find your purpose in life and derive goals toward it, you will be haunted. Learn to forgive yourself first. I am not at all telling you to forgive him. What he did is wrong. Totally wrong. But you need to stop beating yourself for his mistake.

    Learn to spend some time with yourself. Pamper yourself. Hit the spa. Get a massage. Make God your best friend. He is the only one that understands you like no one else. By investing in yourself, you will heal gradually. And you will feel like this relationship was nothing compared to the purpose of your life. This is just a stepping stone. This is not everything.

    #410226
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    The two of you were friends for 7 years before you started dating. While dating, he cheated on you with another woman, having a relationship with her for 6 months without telling you. When he did that, he betrayed you not only as his girlfriend, but also as his friend (the two are the same person: you!)

    he told me that we wants to be friends and I just cannot do that after everything that has happened“- my position is that to consider friendship with him, he would need to acknowledge his betrayal of your trust, sincerely and deeply apologize for it, and make amends to you, such as pay for therapy for the two of you together and attend it for a few months or so. If this is too difficult for him and/ or for you, then no friendship should be considered.

    I feel so stuck and want to move on but I’m really having a hard time doing so and seeing him this week feels like such a setback…  Does anyone have any advice about how to let go?“- grieve the relationship. There are quite a few internet resources on the topic, such as psychology today/  grieving the end of a relationship. Here is one I like even better: power of positivity/ Therapists explain how to grieve the loss of your love relationship. It includes “11 ways to take care of yourself as you grieve for the love you lost”. Can you look these up, patiently read through, and let me/us know how you feel about what you read?

    anita

    #410244
    iamone
    Participant

    Hi Tricia –

    I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling. Breakups can be very painful, especially if you have abandonment issues.

    I just want to say – you need to put yourself first. He showed you that he doesn’t care about you by the way he treated  you. So now you must look out for yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to harbor any bitterness toward him;  you just need to see him as not important to you any more. So – if being friends with him is good for you and makes you feel loved and happy, then be his friend If not, then I would just tell him you know longer want to be his friend and just walk away. Focus on other people at work who are friends to you, and of course remember your best friend is always yourself. I have tried to be friends with an ex, and I realize it was always for him not for me. You deserve better. He doesn’t deserve your friendship.

    #410965
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Tricia?

    anita

    #410975
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Tricia

    I am sorry that you are hurting.

    I have been in a similar position to you, the difference is that in my prior relationships before I, had been the one who had been unfaithful (this was before I became buddhist).

    I tell you this so that I am not trying to portray myself as some kind of saint, but as an ordinary person who has managed to put some of the buddha’s teachings into practice to lessen mine & others suffering.

    So  with boyfriend R it was a bit of an on off relationship and after 18 months he called it quits I asked him if he had been unfaithful and he was a bit evasive with the answer.

    We live in a small community and we were close to each others family, I asked myself if I truly cared about him would I want him to be with me and to be unhappy about it which in the long run would also cause me to suffer or would I prefer him to be happy?

    So every day when ever I was walking I would repeat the phrase may I & R be happy to myself. A month or so later he told me about his new girlfriend C and that she was coming to live in our community with him.  So I changed my mantra to may I ,C & R be happy this way I held all three of us in my heart at the same time.  When C came to live we met and became close friends & hopefully I have created some good karma in the process.

    Also I am on friendly terms with nearly all my ex’s so I know that there is no ill feelings on either side which makes the world a slightly better place than living with anger, resentment, fear or jealousy.

    wishing you all the best with your healing .

    #411029
    Tricia
    Participant

    Hi Anita – thanks for checking on me. I’m still struggling and I miss him a lot. I’m trying to let go of all my questions about why this happened and I have stopped blaming myself for his choices and mistakes. I am trying to focus on my own healing and signed up for an emotional healing retreat which I think might help me reset.

    #411053
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    You are welcome and thank you for responding. Reads like you are on the right track! I hope that you greatly benefit from your emotional healing retreat, perhaps even enjoy it!

    anita

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