Forum Replies Created
April 30, 2021 at 6:43 am #378968
Hi Anita – May I reply to this post?
I was exactly in your situation a few years back. I was in relationship with this man for 4 years. He forced me for sex and abused me. Moreover he went abroad and betrayed me and lied to me. That was still not enough for me to hate him. There were many times when I wanted to break the relationship myself but he kept emotionally blackmailing me and got me back to be his girlfriend. Finally when he went abroad he found someone there and broke up with me. I could not come to terms with it. However bad he was to me, my woman’s heart still felt like and still feels like wanting to talk to him. But then what will I talk to him after all these years. What explanation will he give? I am sure whatever he says, I will have a counter argument and the conversation will never end. It will only make me cry and want him back. So it is best to view this way. Start loving yourself. This is the time that God has made you realise that you should be there for yourself. Apply makeup. Dress beautiful. Cook. Start journaling. Write all your questions in the journal and answers too. You will become stronger. Start improving the lives of people around you. Get active in social media. Get admitted to some groups where you can contribute. You should be the center of your life now. He was just a karmic debt that had to be finished. You should not swallow your spit. He is gone and good riddance. There will always be people who are better than him. Who can love you more than him. And one such person is you. Pamper yourself. Fall in love with God. Hear and heed to God’s voice in your head. You will definitely see that things will fall into place. You can always express your feelings here. Anita really helped me get over my depression.April 27, 2021 at 5:04 am #378812
Yes. Thanks for agreeing with me. But then I have decided to remain single and unmarried – question is what will I do when I am old? Others will be busy with their spouse and children, I will be all alone and lonely leading a miserable life. I am not saying that married life will be better for me. But I see that both sides there is no sunshine.March 13, 2021 at 2:56 pm #376039
I have considered whatever you have said in your previous post and took the initiative of completing my life coaching certification. I practice as a certified life coach now and that is my parallel profession. I did some digital marketing about this and created a website. Now I have few clients, to begin with. Becoming a women’s rights activist is something that I have thought of for a long time and I would definitely consider taking that up seriously. I want you to encourage me on this path. Even if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I will light a match stick and create light in the tunnel.
Anagha SondeMarch 10, 2021 at 10:59 pm #375903
Hi Dear Anita,
I have slipped into depression. I am taking Lithium tablets for bipolar disorder as advised by my psychiatrist and doing talk therapy or counseling as well. But those therapists do not understand me as you do. Once in a while, since I was raped after being in love with the accused and he took advantage of the fact that I am in love with him, I still have soft spot for the rapist and have an irrational demand that he should marry me although things stand differently today. I do not mind if the marriage ends in divorce, but my point is he took advantage of my love towards him and promised me marriage thereby taking undue advantage of getting physical with me and not keeping up the promise of marriage. This is rape here in India. I am unable to get sleep at night and spend many hours thinking about this and my other court cases as well. I have been forced to resign by my employer and I am fighting that out as well. I really need to get some sleep and whatever sleep I manage to get is marred with nightmares of the hellish episodes of my life. Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back. I cannot do meditation because I get a rush of thoughts nor can I practice forgiveness. Please suggest something practical.
Thanks in advance.
AnaghaFebruary 4, 2021 at 4:25 pm #374073
He is an Indian citizen, not a Finnish citizen yet. He is just married to a Finnish woman. That too I do not know if the marriage is valid since I was given their marriage certificate that had no signatures of both. He got bail in the rape case from the Supreme Court on the condition that he participates in the trial process which he is not. So my lawyer is telling me to proceed with the cancellation of bail so that he gets arrested. Your thoughts?February 4, 2021 at 2:16 pm #374051
I am back on medicines with increased dosage. However, counseling is not helping me. My counselor repeatedly tells me to forgive and forget my rapist which is impossible. I am someone who is incapable of forgiving or forgetting. Hence, I spoke to my lawyer about this. She said that we will file another case on my rapist and seek compensation. The Indian Judiciary is a murky place. In legal cases, both the complainant and the accused suffer in varying amounts. My counselor says that she would not like to see me suffer anymore by getting tangled in the legal web. But I have no choice. The legal route at least gives me hope that one day I will get justice. So I can live life with that hope. It takes me away from the pain of rape and trauma. Else if I do not take any action against my rapist and just let him go scot-free, I feel like it is a black mark on my conscience. Should I go ahead and file another legal case? Please let me know your thoughts.January 26, 2021 at 8:16 am #373525
I am not becoming free from the pain.. eternal peace and freedom from trauma are what I also want to achieve… but the episode is haunting me to hell.. and it is only because he extracted physical pleasure out of me without taking my consent… The only consolation and peace that I give myself are in the form of the rape case that the police filed against my ex-boyfriend in court.. the belief that I will get justice someday and the affirmation that even if it is delayed it is still justice at the end of the day.. I also believe that even if he gets acquitted it is still justice because of the mental torture that has put my ex-boyfriend to.. and the satisfaction that I gave him a taste of his own medicine.
Few points to discuss are as below. Let me know your views on the same:
- I am not able to have intercourse with any man. I believe that my ex-boyfriend looted my honor and dignity by the non-consensual sex that he forced me upon.
- I believe God lives in my vagina and by having intercourse with a man my God will leave me stranding me without any support for life and the afterlife.
- I have lost my purity and I feel violated and scarred for life. I feel that my boyfriend ruined my life and the police are extremely right in filing a rape case against him.
- I googled about my beliefs above and I feel that there is something wrong with my sexuality. I have researched a lot on this topic and have come to the conclusion that I am “asexual” and there is a separate community for individuals like me called LGBTQIAPK where A stands for asexuality.
- I stopped taking the medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist since I do not want a life that is induced by medicine or sleep that is induced by medicine. I want something natural. I am not a weak person to take medicine.
Let me know you response as soon as possible. I am eager and anxious.
Anagha SondeNovember 27, 2020 at 5:47 am #370004
Okay, Anita – I will wholeheartedly follow your advice.
I am however still disturbed by one thing. My therapist tells me to forgive my ex-boyfriend. After all the pain and abuse that he has given me how can I forgive him? Getting physically intimate with him was harrowing for me and pushed me into depression and forced me to take medicine. After such a terrible experience how can I possibly forgive him? Still, my therapist tells me not to forget the fact that we both started the relationship in love but it went on bitterly. Whatever, but all I can remember is the pain, pain, and the pain and there is no question of forgiving or forgetting. I just can’t seem to let it go. It has been 7 years now I know. Still. The pain is as fresh as yesterday :'(November 24, 2020 at 11:15 pm #369860
(a) If it is ok with my husband I will practice having sexless marriage wherein I will adopt children.
(b) I will seek Lord Krishna’s permission through the rituals of Hindu marriage wherein I will accept my husband to be my mortally married husband with whom I can practice spiritual sex with Lord Krishna’s permission without incurring any sin.November 24, 2020 at 3:19 am #369804
Sorry about the delay in reply Anita. I was wondering as to what to reply. I have been living the life of a strong independent woman for the past 7 years now. I go shopping alone. I go to the movies alone. I go roaming alone. Sometimes I feel like I need a companion. The strength weakens. That is when I feel like I need a family of my own. My mom also tells me that as age progresses, parents die – I would need somebody of my own. This is when I feel the need for a husband and my family more. Hence I feel the need to get married more. But there is also the pain of my past the is pulling me backward. I am totally confused. Your inputs?November 10, 2020 at 10:48 pm #369003
Yes. I accept Lord Krishna as an embodiment of love, compassion, and forgiveness. I also realize that even if I had given the place of Lord Krishna to my ex-boyfriend, my Lord never stopped protecting me. For example, he never let me give me a blow job to my ex not let full-fled intercourse happen or my hymen rupture. I remember all this happening to my friend. Unfortunately, she told me that her boyfriend fucked her like an animal to her navel and she lost her life through suicide. Hence I am fortunate that I am still alive and kicking.
Proof that God has not abandoned me is also in the fact that the way my legal case is proceeding. Since I loved my ex-boyfriend in the beginning and expected marriage to happen with him, I informed the legal authorities that either he has to marry me or he has to get convicted. They responded by saying that he should get convicted since tomorrow if he marries me, imagine he throws acid on my face, then they will be responsible for my well being as the guardians of society. Hence they advised me that if I don’t feel like getting married, don’t get married. Lead life like a strong independent woman like several other women in society. I am not alone when it comes to that.
Lord Krishna practices spiritual mindful sex. Sex can happen through the mind even without touching through hypnotic methods for bodily pleasure. But this method of sex is just for satisfaction and does not lead to a child in this Kalyug. Child through spiritual mindful sex used to happen in Satyug.November 9, 2020 at 2:06 pm #368884
That is very practical advice you have given me Anita and I already feel charged up and boosted. In fact, I completed working on my website and promoted my life coaching business online, and managed to get a few clients who are interested. So you can imagine what positive effect your wonderful words had on me 😊
My name is Anagha. It is a Sanskrit word that means “sinless”. I am a Hindu and a Vaishnavite, a follower of Lord Vishnu. Lord Krishna is an incarnation of Lord Vishnu and as a child, I fell in love with Lord Krishna and dreamt of being his wife. I felt that my body belongs to Lord Krishna and only He has rights over it. He resides in my brain, heart, and vagina, and sex with any mortal man is a sin and will make me impure. When I met my ex-boyfriend who was also good looking, I gave the position of Lord Krishna in my life to him. I treated my ex-boyfriend as God. And after the sexual assault when I went looking for answers to my Lord Krishna, He told me that the only mistake I had done in life is to give His place in my life to my ex-boyfriend. This made me feel dirty and sinful from the inside and I felt abandoned by my Lord as I no longer have His support to lead a life towards enlightenment and Nirvana. Please help.November 8, 2020 at 4:43 pm #368803
Thanks Anita. I am truly amazed at how well you can connect with me. I am enlightened by the perspective you have presented so far and feel that my eyes have been opened to the harsh reality in society. You are absolutely right in whatever you have expressed so far and I feel a strong connection to your answers and ideas. It gives me a sense of relief and happiness that there is light at the end of the ghastly tunnel that I have been through for the past few years. I am eager to listen to the rest of your inputs so please continue. Also I would like to add that here in our society, getting children married is seen as a responsibility that parents would like to get rid off very soon.November 8, 2020 at 5:05 am #368785
Thank you for giving me the time, space, and opportunity. I have listed a few points below:
- Since I am 33 and unmarried my relatives view me as an object of shame. They scorn upon me that it is already too late in terms of marriageable age for me as if I am some sort of black mark on the family. Hence I feel like a loser most of the time at family gatherings because in my society marriage is viewed as a mark of progress in life and I am being viewed a somebody who is stuck and lost in life.
- As a result of the traumatic episode with my now ex-boyfriend, I nurtured a dream of being independent in life and not be dependent on any man. Be it for sex or be it for diamonds. I bought a pair of diamond earrings and a pendant for myself and I wear it with pride. I do not have any sexual needs anymore and I am feeling this for the past 2 years and think I will remain like this for the rest of my life as well. When I look at a good looking man, all I can think of is approach him to make him a friend to talk to and nothing beyond that. I just feel like I am looking at a beautiful painting without any sexual intentions. I read somewhere online that this has to do with my sexual orientation being called “Asexual” and it is not exactly Vaginismus.
- I feel like I have only emotional needs that can be fulfilled by friends itself and I need not have a husband for that purpose. I am completely not sure whether I should get married in the first place since there will be a demand for sex and I do not want to fall into that well again. I have nurtured a dream of working as a life coach and my therapist encourages me to fulfill it. As a result, I view marriage as a blocker to my dream.
- I feel there are 3 stages in viewing marriage to happen in my life:
- Don’t want to get married
- Have to get married
- Want to get married
I feel I am still in stage(b) not wanting marriage to happen in my life out of my will and wish. I am totally confused without proper direction since staying single will also mean to face a lot of insecurity without the support of a husband or children for that matter. It pricks me when I think about my old age wherein I will be all alone and lonely while others will be enjoying their marriage with spouses and children to take care of them.
November 7, 2020 at 12:50 pm #368766
- Due to circumstances, I was also forced to switch a lot of jobs in the last ten years and I was looking for stability in terms of professional life which never happened.
- I remember getting all revengeful against my ex-boyfriend. After hurting me immensely, I could not make peace with the fact that he is leading his life in happiness. So I insulted him badly through emails by looping his friends too. He also broke my trust by promising me that he would accompany me to the doctor when I was diagnosed with depression and that never happened. He went on advertising about my psychiatric condition to his friends saying I am bipolar and suffer from manic episodes.
- I just can’t seem to let go of the entire episode and neither forget nor forgive. I still feel like having one last talk with my ex-boyfriend to find closure but it is not practically possible now since he does not reply to my emails anymore as advised by his lawyer. He is an Indian who lives in Finland and has married a Finnish woman.
You understand me fully Anita and I am glad that there is at least one person in the world who can empathize with me for the terrible episodes I have been through. So Thank You once again.
I am going to reveal some personal details about my tragic past. So please be careful.
Here, esp. in India, sex education is not all that rampant. Sex is taboo in our country and nobody talks about it in the open. Hence I was ignorant as to what happens between a man and a woman in a relationship. I had also not seen porn at all and I watched my first porn video at the age of 26 which was after the break-up with that bad man, my ex-boyfriend. This left me in a state of more shock and I felt dirty from the inside.
Whatever happened with my ex-boyfriend was mostly foreplay and it was once that he touched his bare penis to my bare vagina apart from bathing together for once. It was not an actual intercourse per se. And moreover, since I never felt like getting physical with him in the first place because I was also depressed due to work pressure, sex with him was some sort of traditional routine that I was least interested in. I never enjoyed and mostly laid like a log. He would just do what he wanted to do with me and I used to pray when all this nonsense would end in life. All I was interested was in getting out of depression and enjoying life. This was before I consulted any doctor. In fact, my depression got the better of me coupled by getting physical for no pleasure with my ex-boyfriend that I was driven to suicide a few times.
Hence I never had intercourse per se. Even after the breakup, with other men whom I got intimate with, it was just foreplay minus the sexual intercourse. I explained this to my new psychiatrist and he told me to take a test and diagnosed me with Vaginismus. He told me certain techniques to get over it but I am still dubious as to whether I should really have intercourse with any man in the future as it will give him a right over me and again I will be treated like a doormat in life just like how my ex-boyfriend used to treat me.
I have men who get attracted to my good looks and approach me for sex. It gives me some sort of ego boost when a man gets bowled over by my good looks. And hence I ended up getting intimate with many men minus the sexual intercourse.