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Anagha Sonde

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
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  • #379987
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    By perfect family and awesome life I meant was, here in South India girls usually get married off in their 20s and by the time they are 3o they have 2 children. That is the symbol of a perfect woman here. Girls like me – who are single and asexual are usually seen as misfits or black marks to the family. As if there is some deficiency within us. Nothing perfect could happen to us so we would be leading a life of misery and sadness. As a single woman ages, her life is usually seen to get more and more hard. And that is what scares me as well. I am not confident about the future.

     

    #379977
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I do not see I made a mistake by getting into relationship with my ex bf. I had carefully thought over it for a few days and then said yes to him. Moreover he was of the same caste so I did not see it as a mistake at all. It just that it turned out to be negative. So I am not angry with myself at all. I just feel unfortunate that all these things happened in my life while compared to other girls who are leading awesome lives with their perfect family – husband and kids. I somehow feel that there is no choice for me except to remain single because of my fear of sex since in India not having sex with husband is grounds for divorce. I am wallowing in self pity and feeling miserable. I do not feel good at all.

    #379968
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I had a break up with my boyfriend few years back and I have still not healed from the shock. I feel so helpless and lifeless. I still get dreams about him in my sleepless nights. He got married abroad and I am thinking that he is enjoying his life out there but I am wallowing in self pity. If only I had a chance to beat him and take my stress out. But I can’t. I neither can forgive nor forget. I am so lost. All I can see is that he left me, he left me and he left me. Although my life is much better without him and I got to live life in a much better way than it would be if he was around, I still feel sad that he left me. How do I get over this obsession to inflicting pain upon myself for no reason? How do I forgive myself?

    #379963
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I am from India particularly from the south and here families are very orthodox. It is expected that a girl remains a virgin before accepting a man in marriage. But I have had friends who lost their virginity to their boyfriends before marriage and had terrible breakups as well. They did not marry the guy they lost their virginity to. But they did not tell their future husband that they are not virgin. They told that they had boyfriend before but they did not get physical. I think it is best to maintain this way since you wont be triggering the male ego either. Do not tell your future husband or boyfriend that you are not a virgin. It will save you some slack.

    #379960
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi,

    The problem is the baggage that I carry. I carry a lot of baggage of the past and I feel unfortunate that all this happened to me. I am unable to forgive myself. Please tell me how to do that. When I see the lives of other girls who got married in their 20s and have kids now, I feel far from perfect. My friends and relatives also ask me if I have been able to move on – tell me one thing, after the trauma I went through I decided to stay away from men. I decided that the things a man gets you – like may be a house or companionship – I will get for myself. I will invest in a house by working hard and I will treat God as my companion. Is there anything wrong with this? But friends and family want to see me married as if that is the only solid proof of me moving on now that sufficient time has passed. I am against this patriarchal set up of society in India. The woman keeps toiling in the kitchen and the man has a gala time at her cost. My point is if he has to eat he should participate in the cooking and cleaning process as well.  My well wishers tell me may be I will find such a man who will help me in the kitchen. But I know all these men. First 2 years of marriage they participate and then they show their true colours. Thats why I am against marriage. And men exercise control over women. We lose our power of decision making and thus they don’t really keep us happy. Its their needs that  gets prioritised over ours. Hence I find no pointing getting married. I want to remain single and enjoy my life by doing things I like. Is there anything wrong with that?

     

    #378968
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Anita – May I reply to this post?

    Dear Nae,

    I was exactly in your situation a few years back. I was in relationship with this man for 4 years. He forced me for sex and abused me. Moreover he went abroad and betrayed me and lied to me. That was still not enough for me to hate him. There were many times when I wanted to break the relationship myself but he kept emotionally blackmailing me and got me back to be his girlfriend. Finally when he went abroad he found someone there and broke up with me. I could not come to terms with it. However bad he was to me, my woman’s heart still felt like and still feels like wanting to talk to him. But then what will I talk to him after all these years. What explanation will he give? I am sure whatever he says, I will have a counter argument and the conversation will never end. It will only make me cry and want him back. So it is best to view this way. Start loving yourself. This is the time that God has made you realise that you should be there for yourself. Apply makeup. Dress beautiful. Cook. Start journaling. Write all your questions in the journal and answers too. You will become stronger. Start improving the lives of people around you. Get active in social media. Get admitted to some groups where you can contribute. You should be the center of your life now. He was just a karmic debt that had to be finished. You should not swallow your spit. He is gone and good riddance. There will always be people who are better than him. Who can love you more than him. And one such person is you. Pamper yourself. Fall in love with God. Hear and heed to God’s voice in your head. You will definitely see that things will fall into place. You can always express your feelings here. Anita really helped me get over my depression.

    #378812
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes. Thanks for agreeing with me. But then I have decided to remain single and unmarried – question is what will I do when I am old? Others will be busy with their spouse and children, I will be all alone and lonely leading a miserable life. I am not saying that married life will be better for me. But I see that both sides there is no sunshine.

    #376039
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have considered whatever you have said in your previous post and took the initiative of completing my life coaching certification. I practice as a certified life coach now and that is my parallel profession. I did some digital marketing about this and created a website. Now I have few clients, to begin with. Becoming a women’s rights activist is something that I have thought of for a long time and I would definitely consider taking that up seriously. I want you to encourage me on this path. Even if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I will light a match stick and create light in the tunnel.

    Thanks,

    Anagha Sonde

     

     

    #375903
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Dear Anita,

    I have slipped into depression. I am taking Lithium tablets for bipolar disorder as advised by my psychiatrist and doing talk therapy or counseling as well. But those therapists do not understand me as you do. Once in a while, since I was raped after being in love with the accused and he took advantage of the fact that I am in love with him, I still have soft spot for the rapist and have an irrational demand that he should marry me although things stand differently today. I do not mind if the marriage ends in divorce, but my point is he took advantage of my love towards him and promised me marriage thereby taking undue advantage of getting physical with me and not keeping up the promise of marriage. This is rape here in India. I am unable to get sleep at night and spend many hours thinking about this and my other court cases as well. I have been forced to resign by my employer and I am fighting that out as well. I really need to get some sleep and whatever sleep I manage to get is marred with nightmares of the hellish episodes of my life. Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back. I cannot do meditation because I get a rush of thoughts nor can I practice forgiveness. Please suggest something practical.

    Thanks in advance.

    Anagha

     

    #374073
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    He is an Indian citizen, not a Finnish citizen yet. He is just married to a Finnish woman. That too I do not know if the marriage is valid since I was given their marriage certificate that had no signatures of both. He got bail in the rape case from the Supreme Court on the condition that he participates in the trial process which he is not. So my lawyer is telling me to proceed with the cancellation of bail so that he gets arrested. Your thoughts?

    #374051
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I am back on medicines with increased dosage. However, counseling is not helping me. My counselor repeatedly tells me to forgive and forget my rapist which is impossible. I am someone who is incapable of forgiving or forgetting. Hence, I spoke to my lawyer about this. She said that we will file another case on my rapist and seek compensation. The Indian Judiciary is a murky place. In legal cases, both the complainant and the accused suffer in varying amounts. My counselor says that she would not like to see me suffer anymore by getting tangled in the legal web. But I have no choice. The legal route at least gives me hope that one day I will get justice. So I can live life with that hope. It takes me away from the pain of rape and trauma. Else if I do not take any action against my rapist and just let him go scot-free, I feel like it is a black mark on my conscience. Should I go ahead and file another legal case? Please let me know your thoughts.

    #373525
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I am not becoming free from the pain.. eternal peace and freedom from trauma are what I also want to achieve… but the episode is haunting me to hell.. and it is only because he extracted physical pleasure out of me without taking my consent… The only consolation and peace that I give myself are in the form of the rape case that the police filed against my ex-boyfriend in court.. the belief that I will get justice someday and the affirmation that even if it is delayed it is still justice at the end of the day.. I also believe that even if he gets acquitted it is still justice because of the mental torture that has put my ex-boyfriend to.. and the satisfaction that I gave him a taste of his own medicine.

    Few points to discuss are as below. Let me know your views on the same:

    1. I am not able to have intercourse with any man. I believe that my ex-boyfriend looted my honor and dignity by the non-consensual sex that he forced me upon.
    2. I believe God lives in my vagina and by having intercourse with a man my God will leave me stranding me without any support for life and the afterlife.
    3. I have lost my purity and I feel violated and scarred for life. I feel that my boyfriend ruined my life and the police are extremely right in filing a rape case against him.
    4. I googled about my beliefs above and I feel that there is something wrong with my sexuality. I have researched a lot on this topic and have come to the conclusion that I am “asexual” and there is a separate community for individuals like me called LGBTQIAPK where A stands for asexuality.
    5. I stopped taking the medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist since I do not want a life that is induced by medicine or sleep that is induced by medicine. I want something natural. I am not a weak person to take medicine.

    Let me know you response as soon as possible. I am eager and anxious.

     

    Regards,

    Anagha Sonde

    #370004
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Okay, Anita – I will wholeheartedly follow your advice.

    I am however still disturbed by one thing. My therapist tells me to forgive my ex-boyfriend. After all the pain and abuse that he has given me how can I forgive him? Getting physically intimate with him was harrowing for me and pushed me into depression and forced me to take medicine. After such a terrible experience how can I possibly forgive him? Still, my therapist tells me not to forget the fact that we both started the relationship in love but it went on bitterly. Whatever, but all I can remember is the pain, pain, and the pain and there is no question of forgiving or forgetting. I just can’t seem to let it go. It has been 7 years now I know. Still. The pain is as fresh as yesterday :'(

    #369860
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    (a) If it is ok with my husband I will practice having sexless marriage wherein I will adopt children.

    (b) I will seek Lord Krishna’s permission through the rituals of Hindu marriage wherein I will accept my husband to be my mortally married husband with whom I can practice spiritual sex with Lord Krishna’s permission without incurring any sin.

    #369804
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Sorry about the delay in reply Anita. I was wondering as to what to reply. I have been living the life of a strong independent woman for the past 7 years now. I go shopping alone. I go to the movies alone. I go roaming alone. Sometimes I feel like I need a companion. The strength weakens. That is when I feel like I need a family of my own. My mom also tells me that as age progresses, parents die – I would need somebody of my own. This is when I feel the need for a husband and my family more. Hence I feel the need to get married more. But there is also the pain of my past the is pulling me backward. I am totally confused. Your inputs?

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