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Left me without warning or reason

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  • #410561
    Andypandy499
    Participant

    After nearly 3 years my girlfriend just disappeared from my life. We lived 150 km apart but met almost twice a month and talked everyday when not together. After spending 6 weeks staying with me I went back to the UK to see family and get some hospital treatment. I never heard from her again. All attempts at contact were blocked by her no e mails answered and her Facebook profile cleansed to just bland facts from 2018.

    I then did something everyone tells you not to do, I turned detective and found a blog she wrote which showed me she had been involved with someone else since feb 2021. The blog was written in Korean and having to use a translation app took time but I just uncovered a trail of lies which made certain suspicions and feelings I had fall into place, weekends she couldn’t make cancelled meetings at last minute or simply not turning up when arranged. I felt sick, I had been completely lied to. I did nothing but love, care and support her and her teenage daughter, who I thought I had a good relationship with. It turns out she must have known what was going on and was complicit in her mums lies.

    3 months on the pain is still raw and I still cannot sleep properly and am still searching for answers. When I was in the UK I was diagnosed with cancer and am having to fight that while feeling desperate and sad. I found out she is living with this guy in Australia but she stupidly posted a picture of her address so I wrote a letter and tried contact the old fashioned way, explaining how hurt I was and what I was suffering. No response in nearly 4 weeks. I never thought she would ever behave in such a cold and callous way. I have never felt such pain.

    #410564
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andy:

    I am sorry that you are sick and that you were left by your girlfriend, particularly the way you were left. I want to re read your post and reply further in the morning (in about 11 hours from now). Feel free to post again anytime.

    anita

    #410579
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Welcome to the world of heartaches and heartbreaks. I have been there. It hurts a lot more when they leave without a trace and more when they give us no reason.
    You were cheated. No doubt about that. Acknowledge this first. You are the victim here and to imagine you are going through all this along with your cancer is devastating. I pray to God that your pain lessens as soon as possible. The first thing that you must do right now is to seek answers to the questions that are haunting you. Getting convinced is the only way out. Trust me, it took me more than 5 years to get the answers I sought when I was going through a heartbreak. So the sooner you find answers to these the better it is for you. I can help you here – only if you tell me what those questions are. Another way is to pray and communicate with your God. Write letters to God – start journaling. Let the pain flow out of your body. Drink more water to cleanse yourself. Develop self-love. Seeking love in another person always leads to pain. Hence we should love ourselves more than we love anyone else.

    #410585
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499:

    I hope that you heal and recover from cancer and that your emotional pain will ease soon!

    “I did nothing but love, care and support.. her teenage daughter, who I thought I had a good relationship with. It turns out she must have known what was going on and was complicit in her mums lies“- don’t blame the teenage daughter: she has to live with her mother, so she has to be on her mother’s side.

    We lived 150 km apart but met almost twice a month… I went back to the UK…  I just uncovered a trail of lies which made certain suspicions and feelings I had fall into place, weekends she couldn’t make, cancelled meetings... I found out she is living with this guy in Australia… 3 months on the pain is still raw and I still cannot sleep properly and am still searching for answers“- maybe her objective has been for a long time to move away from the country where you were both residing at the time to a western country, to move either to the UK with you or to Australia with the other guy. And so, she played both fields, waiting to see which will lead her to the Promise Land. Is this a possibility?

    anita

     

    #410604
    Andypandy499
    Participant

    I don’t blame her daughter, it’s just painful to know that all the discussions we had about things she knew all along that what I was saying, doing and showing her mum, it was being said and done by someone else too. I feel sorry for her caught in the middle.
    Not knowing why she chose someone else means I constantly feel unworthy and the fact it went on for so long makes me feel I was just used. As a place to stay, as a taxi service, as cash machine and as a holiday provider.

    #410629
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #410672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499:

    I am glad to read that you don’t blame her daughter, but sad that you are in pain.

    Not knowing why she chose someone else means I constantly feel unworthy and the fact it went on for so long makes me feel I was just used. As a place to stay, as a taxi service, as cash machine and as a holiday provider“- is it that she chose someone else because he provided her with a better place to stay, a better taxi service, etc. than you did? And if this is her reason, does it make you feel better to know her reason vs “not knowing why“?

    anita

    #410680
    Andypandy499
    Participant

    I want to know why she could not be honest and tell me she was leaving and why she stopped loving me. She always told me that everyone in the past left her, and I always promised I wouldn’t be like the others, but it seems she decided to do that to me. Cruelly without warning or explanation. Blocking me from her life completely. I am not sure I even want to wake up some days.

    I see her face and remember being with her almost everywhere I go. All I want is the chance to talk to her.

    #410702
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499:

    I want to know why she could not be honest and tell me she was leaving“- she could have been honest, I am guessing, but it would have been difficult and unpleasant for her to tell you that she was leaving, so she chose the easy way.

    She always told me that everyone in the past left her, and I always promised I wouldn’t be like the others, but it seems she decided to do that to me“- you promised her.. did she promise you to not leave you?

    She decided to do that to me. Cruelly without warning or explanation. Blocking me from her life completely“- she chose to do what was easy for her to do (no warning, no explanation), not thinking or caring about how it will hurt you: quite selfish of her, isn’t it.

    All I want is the chance to talk to her“- .. this would be too difficult and unpleasant for her.

    why she stopped loving me“?- there is a lot of pain in your question, and I feel sadness about the pain in these words, your pain.

    The answer could be in making a distinction between her love and your love: if yours has been unselfish and hers was selfish, then it’s not the same kind of love that we are talking about. Has she been selfish with you earlier, before leaving?

    anita

     

    #410724
    Andypandy499
    Participant

    She never said she wouldn’t leave me but she did say she loved me and didn’t want anyone else. Looking back I see she was selfish, everything appeared to be on her terms and maybe I went along with it because I was scared of losing her.
    my love was unconditional and total, and I would do anything for her. The pain is compounded by my illness and the fact that she cannot reach out to me is making that pain worse. I tracked down her address and wrote her a letter explaining how much I love her and how I am suffering. I told her about my illness not because I want sympathy but because I want fear to know what I am going through on my own.
    I do not think she will read it or reply. Which hurts even more.

    #410726
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499

    I am sorry that you have been ill and that you are suffering because you thought you were in a relationship with a decent human being. I will be brutally honest your illness has done you a massive favour  ( she could of strung you along for at least another 3 years)it has freed you from a person who it appears that from the beginning they were only out for what they could get and does not care who they use in the process. Looking to get answers from someone who has acted the way she did will only cause you more suffering.

    May you find someone kind gentle & honest to share your life with.

    Roberta

    #410745
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499:

    I am sorry for all the hurt and pain you’ve been experiencing. I hope that you soon come to a place where you accept that her love for you was not the “unconditional and total” love you had for her. I hope that you recover from your cancer and from your broken heart. Please focus not on her, but on your health, mental and physical., and post here again anytime, to vent, to express, to not be alone with your struggles.

    anita

    #410835
    Andypandy499
    Participant

    Thank you for the advice, I know what I should do but I don’t think I can move on, I miss her so much that even now I still cannot focus to carry on. I have tried to hate her but I cannot. I have tried to forget and move on but she is still here, in my head when I walk down the road. It’s like a ghost of her appears next to me at places we have been and that time replays in my head and I end up crying, which can be awkward in Starbucks.

    I feel so hopeless.

    #410836
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499: I wish you didn’t feel so hopeless! I will reply further in about 10 hours.

    anita

    #410842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andypandy499:

    You are welcome. You write like a poet!

    I have tried to hate her but I cannot. I have tried to forget and move on but she is still here, in my head when I walk down the road. It’s like a ghost of her appears next to me at places we have been, and that time replays in my head“-

    -you want to be with her but you can’t because she is living with another man in Australia. The closest you can get to being with her is to remember and imagine being with her. It’s a make-believe way to deal with the fact that she is now lost to you. Here is what I suggest: when you find yourself remembering and imagining, don’t try to delete the images (to stop the memories and images), and don’t try to hate her or forget her. Instead (do this bit by bit because it’s painful): add to your images the images of the current reality: her living elsewhere with another man.  This way, your brain will no longer trick you into thinking that you are still- in some way- together with her.

    Like I said, bit by bit. What do you think/ feel?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

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