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My life is such a mess, I don’t know where to start

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  • #408389
    Csihdu
    Participant

    My partner ended things with me.

    My job is dead-end and unfulfilling.

    I don’t have close friendships.

    I have BPD. I tried therapy for it once before but messed it up because I was on drugs during that time. I have to wait 7 weeks to start it again.

    I feel like I have no hope or prospects. No direction in life. I feel so, so alone. I see other people with careers, friends, families, hobbies, partners. My life feels unbearable and I don’t know how to change it.

    #408399
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csihdu:

    Before I answer your current post, I want to summarize what you shared back in Dec 2016 when you were 25 (now 32): you lost your mother when you were 10. Your father was an alcoholic who emotionally abused you. You suffered from an underactive thyroid (diagnosed at 19), and from the most common symptoms of the disorder: extreme fatigue (“I get extremely tired very easily“) and  weight gain. You also suffered from  frequent mood swings (“lots of ups and downs…  I have mood swings which are very frequent and intense“). You were on a medication for the underactive thyroid (“but honestly the symptoms never truly go away“), as well as on antidepressants and an occasional anxiety medication since you were 18 or 19. By the time you were 25, you had more than 4 years of psychotherapy.

    You wrote back in Dec 2016: “I’m at point in my life where I feel really good about myself, as if I am finding out who I am… I feel a bit more content with who I am and less like I need to please other people…before I used to not challenge things if I disagreed with certain things… Before, say a year ago, perhaps I would have just not said anything, despite feeling uncomfortable. My therapist thinks I have co-dependent tendencies and we worked on setting boundaries in relationships… They (friends at the time) think it’s just a ‘phase’ I’m going through… sometimes I feel like my kindness gets taken for weakness with these particular people. Hence why I perhaps questioning whether it is time to let go (of those friends)”.

    Almost six years later you shared, in your 2nd, current thread, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), that you have no close friendships, your job is dead-end and unfulfilling and your  partner ended his relationship with you.

    I feel like I have no hope or prospects. No direction in life. I feel so, so alone. I see other people with careers, friends, families, hobbies, partners. My life feels unbearable and I don’t know how to change it“-

    – (1)  take in your own words, which you wrote to Liby on Dec 1, 2016: “Be gentle with yourself. You are doing well. And know that every day you wake up is a success“.

    (2) Contemplate what you wrote to Nina on the same day: “As the Buddha said nothing is life is permanent“.

    (3) Measure your success on the progress you make every day over the day before: build today’s progress on top of yesterday’s, and tomorrow’s on top of today’s.

    (4) “I see other people with careers, friends, families, hobbies, partners“- see the whole picture which includes the many, many millions of people who do not have jobs or careers, who like you have unfulfilling jobs, no friends or no.. friendly friends, nor partners. When I am asked How are you? My standard answer (which is always right and never wrong) is: Better than some, not as good as others“.

    I would like to read more from you… ?

    anita

    #408407
    iamone
    Participant

    I am sorry for how you are feeling, Csihdu! I feel I can relate to you in some ways.  Just remember that how you feel is not what reality is. It’s just how you feel. Feelings come and go. Maybe let them run through you a bit but remember that you are the same person you were when everything was okay in your world. Feel the feelings, explore what they might tell you about yourself, but then let them go and hold on to the truth which is that every day is a new day and you still have much strength and good within you, and if you hold tight to these, you will likely find a better path for yourself.

    #408651
    Csihdu
    Participant

    Thank you both for your kind words. I guess I am just overwhelmed. I have BPD which is hard to manage at the best of times and I have a lot of times where I feel truly hopeless.


    @anita
    – thank you for your reply. I have shared what you describe above. Things have often been hard, I won’t lie. My boyfriend recently left me because he said he couldn’t support me any more and I have to support myself. I am in the process of going to therapy and cutting down on substances.


    @iamone
    – your words have really helped. It is just a feeling. I will try and keep this acknowledgement with me.

    #408657
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csihdu:

    You are welcome. It just so happens that I was diagnosed with BPD 11 years ago (but I believe that the diagnosis fit me ever since my very early 20s). Fast forward to now, I no longer fit the diagnosis. The psychotherapy tailored to this diagnosis is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I attended therapy that combined CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), DBT and a heavy dose of mindfulness. If you elaborate on your BPD behaviors, I will be glad to share with you my personal experience with parts of these therapies that address your BPD behaviors.

    anita

    #408830
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Csihdu?

    anita

    #408942
    Sarah
    Participant

    Start by taking care of yourself and view yourself as the number one priority. What are your top 3 priorities? Things that would improve your life? What do you need to work on?

    If you’re feeling fatigued, here is how to reclaim your energy: https://www.mykindofzen.com/fight-fatigue-reclaim-your-energy/

    #408961
    Csihdu
    Participant

    @anita – Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone and like a monster. I have actually been through DBT once before, although I didn’t engage properly and was using weed to regulate my feelings during. So I’m hoping to start it again in around 1 month.

    I have a lot of struggles. I struggle with extreme abandonment issues. Even when I say goodbye to people I get anxious I won’t see them again, that they don’t like me, that I annoyed them. Huge fear of being alone. That’s probably the toughest battle I have right now if you have any advice.

    I’m doing a little better anita. I met with my ex-partner and asked he give me another chance – that I know I relied on him to “fix” my mental health and I will be going to therapy to get better as soon as I can and I’m trying to do everything I can to get better. We are speaking again now although taking things slow.


    @sarah
    – This is very true, my drug counsellor has said the same thing also that I need to put myself first. That’s interesting about the top 3 priorities. I think – physical health, making connections with people and being more independent and self-directed. Like I said above I have an extreme fear of abandonment to the point I will sacrifice myself to be what I perceive as “accepted” but in reality no one else is not accepting me. That article is really helpful, thank you. I have struggled with Chronic fatigue previously and I know it is from chronic stress. I need to address my mental health issues which are causing the stress so the fatigue doesn’t come back. Switching off social media helps because I compare myself constantly. Meditation, breathwork and yoga helps. Painting. Nature. Music. Animals (my cat Leo). Art. Books. Films or a good TV series.  Simple pleasures like a nice cup of tea, a nice view,

    #408962
    Csihdu
    Participant

    @anita @sarah Thank you both, you have really helped

    #408965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csihdu:

    You are welcome, and good to read that you were doing a little better when you last posted. I hope you still are!

    I struggle with extreme abandonment issues. Even when I say goodbye to people I get anxious I won’t see them again, that they don’t like me, that I annoyed them. Huge fear of being alone. That’s probably the toughest battle I have right now if you have any advice“- to start with, every night as you lie in bed, ready to fall asleep, imagine a comforting figure (a person who at times made you feel safe to be with, maybe your mother who passed away when you were 10, maybe a teacher, maybe a TV/ movie personality who has this effect on you), and imagine that person holding a child- the child being you- arms around you. Feel the warmth of this person arms, gently rocking back and forth, perhaps, humming a song, maybe- whatever comforting interaction suits you. Take slow, deep breaths as you take the image in.

    If you do this (or already did), Csihdu, let me know how it goes. Later on, if you wish, you can visualize saying goodbye to this or that person in a relaxed kind of way- as a mental/ emotional preparation for future, real-life goodbyes. (We have to imagine something happening a certain way before we can begin to believe that it is possible for us).

    I met with my ex-partner and asked hm to give me another chance…  We are speaking again now although taking things slow“- slow will be tough for you on the long-run, wouldn’t it?

    my drug counsellor has said.. that I need to put myself first… I have an extreme fear of abandonment to the point I will sacrifice myself to be what I perceive as ‘accepted’“- at times, when the fear of being alone is huge, and feeling so alone feels like approaching death, putting someone else first feels as urgent as the need to stay alive, doesn’t it? If so, no wonder you will lose most of yourself so to avoid losing all of yourself.

    anita

    #409369
    iamone
    Participant

    I’m glad you are feeling better, Csihdu. I like the simple pleasures you identified, and you gave me some ideas! I need to stay off of social media, too. It’s funny – I think if everyone on this forum could sit down and chat once a week we would all feel so supported and so much better! Maybe think that we all would do that if we could. I have lack of attachment issues, which are probably similar to abandonment issues. One thing that helps me is to repeat to myself over and over – I am loved, I am loved, I am loved. AND I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. It really calms me down and helps me connect with myself, which is the most important connection. BTW the idea is from the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It; it’s what the author feels saved his life.

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