Dear Candice88,

your relationship with M is indeed deeply troubled and it seems to me you’re getting not even breadcrumbs from him. He gives you absolutely nothing, and then accuses you of being too demanding and not patient enough.

he finally quit using (if I’m to believe him) in April 2021. His attitude and behaviour haven’t gotten much better. I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone,

Do you even see him during the week? This regime of his gives him plenty of opportunity to still be using, without you knowing about it.

I don’t see any real willingness to change on his part. Even his claim that he quit is highly questionable, and he also wanted to cheat on you, because “you’re not saying anything nice to him any more”. It shows he doesn’t see his behavior as a problem but sees you as a problem. You should tolerate his addiction and neglect for years on end, and still remain hopeful that some day he might decide to change?

You’re doing a good thing you’re moving out. Even if he asks you to stay (because it’s convenient to have you in a mother/care-taker role), don’t stay by any means. The way things are now, he’s only using you, and not giving you absolutely anything but just causing you pain and more trauma. By moving out, you’re protecting yourself, your mental health and your well-being.

bracing myself for if we don’t work, despite how much I love him

Perhaps in part you love the memory of those few early months which were fun, and also the idea that he at least in theory shares the same values (regarding kids, family, life philosophy etc). But it’s only in theory – in practice he’s completely incapable for having a family because he would be a neglectful and unreliable father and partner.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.