I just watched it. It is very powerful indeed. It makes me feel better. It is very hopeful and shame-alleviating. Thank you for sharing it with me. I can think of some people to share it too, as they equally struggle with trauma. I’ll look into the Dr. Gabor Maté’s work a bit more, it made me curious.

I will equally look more into Kristin Neff’s resources. They sound practical and practical is useful.

Thank you for your compassion. I do know I didn’t deserve her abuse, she’s just lashing out her suffering on us and it’s mostly out of our control. There are things I could do to give her fewer things to criticize/abuse me about but, from my experience, it is not the healthy way to get there. These are things I could use improvement upon, but I want to do it for myself and at the pace my recovery allows me. I can’t push myself under the pressure of abuse and feel like it’s real progress when it’s done under rush and emotional neglect.

It is tiring how she tries to “fix” me. She’s ashamed of having produced an unfunctional kid (she liked it better when she could use me as a trophy and a personal success).  I know I shouldn’t fix myself for her or anyone to deserve respect, compassion, and love, but it isn’t a great moment when someone is still trying to make me feel bad about myself and coming so strongly at me. She’s not sabotaging my healing entirely but it is a mood ruiner when it’s too recurrent. And the time I am resisting the abuse and protecting myself mentally against her is the time I’m not using to actually becoming more functional (for my own sake of course).

I am used to her aggressions and I am enough in control of my emotions to not fuel fire automatically (though she doesn’t need me to fuel it, she is paranoid and will hear what she wants to hear, imagine what she wants to imagine).  Yet, even if I try to bring back some calm as much as I can, when she comes at me when I’m especially exhausted or when she’s been at it for too long, I tend to not have the energy to put up with her immaturity and aggressiveness in a way that would appeal to her.

I do talk and share the pain with some people, mostly internet friends who also had mothers who are difficult to handle. I don’t feel much like seeking therapy. I do not necessarily feel in a hurry. People are in a hurry in my stead and try to push me a lot lately. I don’t feel in a rush, personally.

I’m handling it fine myself, I don’t wait for the help of a therapist to help myself. The idea of retelling everything again is tiring, and the process of going through that repeatedly until I find a therapist who clicks is unappealing. If I were to chose what to spend my time on when I am going through rough times, I would rather do something that makes me feel alive and happy, which helps, instead of going through that therapy-seeking process that takes me more energy than it makes me gain.

It’s faster and more efficient to find the resources by myself and be proactive. I do not feel lost without a therapist at the moment. I think I have a good understanding of my situation, and of my possibilities, and the things I can do. It’s a slow process, but I am doubtful it’ll be enhanced that much by a therapist. I feel like by the time I find a therapist who can give me something I can’t already give myself by researching and being proactive, I’ll be healed enough to need a therapist even less. But if someday I feel limited with my resources I’m open to it. It just feels superfluous until then.

Otherwise, I am having normal reactions (being tired and having less energy) to abnormal situations (being abused). I’m not retraumatized, I am more jaded. Because I know how it works, I know how to be well defended. I may not able to feel joy when a period like this is lasting, but that makes sense. Anyone wouldn’t.  But when it’s over I can resume my healing without being too affected, because nothing is new under the sun and I’m far enough in my healing to not regress that much every time sh*t happens.

I am sorry for everything you went through, and I’m glad these traumas are in the past so you can work through your recovery in better circumstances. Not being alone definitely helps, talking with you helps, the movie you shared did help me to feel less alone too.

Linarra