Dear nice_cup_of_tea,

I’m at the stage though where I need to start attending certain social functions that I don’t particularly want to

Prior to the pandemic I managed to do things I didn’t want to do without getting so worked up about it.

You mentioned your in-laws as an example of people whom you don’t necessarily want to meet, but you feel you have to, for the sake of your husband. Are there other examples? Do you feel it’s a theme in your life that you feel you are forced to do things against your will, and it causes resentment?

Dear nice_cup_of_tea,

you’re welcome. If you’ve grown up with having no say and always having to obey – basically with your own will having been crushed – it’s only natural that you’d develop huge resentment, not just against your father, but everybody else, whenever you feel they want you do something against your will, and you feel unable to say No. You were unable to say No to your father too, and your mother was probably the same, accepting his bullying and doing what he said. There is a lot of anger and resentment in you, that gets easily triggered, even with extremely minor things, as you say.

The solution would be to express and release that anger in a safe environment, such as therapy. To realize that you have the right to feel angry for having been bullied and controlled like that. You also have the right to protect yourself, to stand up for yourself, to refuse to do things against your will.

Once you express your pent up anger towards your father (in a safe environment, not into his face) and give yourself the permission to refuse to do things you don’t want to, you won’t be so easily triggered by small things, you’ll have a greater tolerance, but also a greater ability to say No to things you don’t want. So it will be much easier to deal with people.

But you’d first need to deal with that old anger from childhood, and then the present will sort itself out too.

How does this sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear nice_cup_of_tea:

You are welcome. You mentioned that you “relate to the symptoms of c-PTSD a lot”.

Complex PTSD develops in response to prolonged, ongoing or repetitive exposure to traumatizing and highly stressful situations, where the individual has little or no chance of escape: most commonly in the context of childhood.

Like you, I was not diagnosed with c-PTSD (it is not a formal diagnosis in the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual- 5/ DSM-5), but I can very much relate to it. If you want to share about how you relate to it, you are welcome to do so. Maybe we can share our experiences with each other.

anita