Not really sure how to articulate this, but I’ll try my best. I usually handle my feelings on my own, because I didn’t have the best support system growing up – my parents and my only sibling, my brother are not what you would call emotionally available or even aware. I used to be able to confide in my bf, but after 9 years together, we separated last year.

Anyway, I’ve lived abroad for just over a year and returned back home recently, to the apartment I share with my brother. We’re close-ish, he’s only a year and a bit older than me, and we have a good relationship, despite the fact that we had very different upbringings.

My parents treated him/treat him with more respect, consideration, and care because he was/is very smart and good at school, and he isn’t emotional or temperamental. They put him on a pedestal and still have him up there to this day. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I had/have a bad temper, was/still am very emotional and sensitive. I’ve always been compared to my brother by extended family members and friends: he is the polite, quiet, reserved and intelligent one. I’m the easily angered, opinionated, “disagreeable” one.

I’ve never resented my brother for this, but it definitely hurts whenever my parents treat me this way. It’s a lifelong pain that I’ve had.

Anyway, after living away and alone for over a year, I realized that I needed to heal and that I deserved to be treated with respect, kindness, and support, esp from my own family…right??

In my first week back, I talked to my brother about how I felt like, he and my parents never respect me, always talk down to me, and how they’re never emotionally supportive. My parents also make me (unconsciously?) emotionally responsible – both for them and for my brother. I explained that I understand (not condone) why my parents are this way, it’s a generational gap thing and they never had the tools/language to address this stuff.

My bro on the other hand is practically the same age as me,  yet he can’t seem to be emotionally available, treat me with respect, be accountable etc. Every time I bring this stuff up, he either gets defensive/offended (“Fine then I’ll never disagree with you about anything ever again”) or he struggles to accept, acknowledge what I’m saying (“But mom and dad do that to me too” “But you don’t have to feel that way” “But no one asked you to be that way/do that for us”).

He generally only takes me seriously when I cry and my pain/upset is visibly apparent.

Idk whether it’s repression or denial, but he never feels bad feelings, never wants to talk about bad feelings and whenever I approach him to talk about my struggles, he gives me a few moments of his time before getting bored/disengaging/withdrawing. It’s like he can’t handle heavy emotions.

Now I let this go in the past, because I figured that, like my parents, he wasn’t ready to accept this stuff, he wasn’t ready to engage.

I should mention that over the past 10 years, my brother has been in several relationships (that I know of, he never disclosed some to me). He dated a handful of different women, usually only telling me about them when he was “serious” (perhaps 6+ months of dating idk) and I’ve only met about 3 of them. He’s only ever introduced 2 of these women to my parents.

He’s never been terribly devastated by a break-up: he’ll let me know it happened, seemingly skip the first 4 stages of grief, arrive at acceptance, open a dating app and start swiping right. He says that he doesn’t believe in holding on to sadness/feeling sad because everything happens for a reason. I’ve always worried that he doesn’t process, debrief his emotions but, of course, can’t talk to him about this either.

Anyway, something I noticed was the way he treats the women he dates: with absolute attention, respect, care, consideration, kindness, support, and love. He even treats their friends and family sometimes better than he’s ever treated me – or my parents for that matter. It hurts me deeply. I’ve never told him.

When I came back home, he told me he’d been dating someone for a year, he’s introduced her to my parents. He’s quite serious this time – he’s planning on marrying her. I’ve mixed feelings about this but know better than to approach it.

I guess my question is this: Am I completely overreacting when I say that I feel like I don’t belong in my bro’s life or even my parents’ lives? They love me of course, I love them. But since I’ve come home it hurts to be around them – esp since I know that if I put some (literal) distance between us I can be much happier, healthier, and at peace. When I was away from them, I felt like I was my best self. My absence didn’t seem to impact them in any way, my bro in particular seems indifferent to whether I’m even in the house or not.

Honestly, I just want someone – a stranger – to tell me if I’m insane for feeling this way rn.

Sorry for the long post! Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far (T_T)