Dear Ates:

“When someone showed me some care I automatically start having a crush towards them and we start a relationship.. I get so obsessed with the person who gives me little care, like I think about them every second and can not concentrate on my daily activities even though I am not even slightly interested in them“-

– the way I understand this is that as a child you received very little emotional care, hardly any. Fast forward, a man shows you a little emotional care and you get all excited, overly excited! Think of emotional care as food. When you are very hungry and you see/ smell food, you get overly excited and you rush to eat it, even if it is not at all your favorite food.

“After some time I see some problems in the relationship, I start to feel suffocated (even physical sensations like someone is choking me) and  I break up. This cycle continued for nearly 10 years“-

– continuing with the food analogy: you are so hungry, overly excited and rushed, that you neglect to inspect the food: is it fresh or is it spoiled, does it need to be washed, etc. You eat it- and you get physically sick.

Also, when you were a child, I imagine that you felt suffocated at home and wanted out, didn’t you?

“I hate being lonely but I hate ‘being in a relationship and feeling lonely’ even more“- you felt lonely at home with your family, growing up, didn’t you?

“But too much daydreaming creates an illusion and I start having feelings towards them. I think they call it limerence?)..  I cant seem to control my limerence“- limerence is the daydreaming of the lonely child, stuck in an unhappy home, daydreaming of a different kind of home: a happy, loving home. Maybe, by the time we are adults, we forgot those long-ago childhood daydreams, but the longing behind those did not die: it awakens  in the context of a romantic relationships, or the idea of one (limerence).

Also, we get stuck between being lonely and wanting a relationship and being in a relationship and wanting out.

“1- Do you know a way how can I learn to control my limerence problem? (excessive intrusive thoughts of someone) It gives me a literal non stop heart ache that it hurts physically“- express and process your childhood experience of living in an unhappy home with too little emotional care: this is the birthplace of the craving that drives limerence

“a sincere relationship.. long term.. stability really? 2-a) Are there really relationships like the latter one or am I just wanting too much? Are these kind of relationships in fairytales only, do they not work in real world?“- sincere, long-term, stable relationships do exist, you just didn’t witness or experience one yet.

“2-b) Can there be a long term sincere relationship based on love, respect, trust? Or do they always just turns into a ‘Not interested in them anymore but cant go anywhere either, this is what I used to now’ kind of relationships?“- yes, there are long-term, sincere relationships based on love, respect and trust. (Imagine you can be in one yourself…!)

I hope to read back from you.

anita