Dear Linarra:

This time I am not reading and responding part by part. I read all the way to “It was all about themselves, and nothing about us” and stopped because it hit me as a very well stated truth. What followed this unfortunate truth in my life (it was all about her, and nothing about me)- is that my life proceeded (in the home and in the outside world) to be … nothing about me.

Then I read: ” the distance is there. If it wasn’t, she would have seen me as a person“, and it hit me again. She didn’t see me as a person… fast forward, I lived my life as if I was not a person (one with certain rights, like physical boundaries/ privacy that should be respected). About the distance from her, the distance she created: oh, how so very lonely I was in that distance, and proceeded to be so very lonely, in the outside world.

“how I had to force myself when she asked for hugs“- my skin crawled when she touched me, the warmth of her hand.. I don’t know how to describe it, it was maybe like the warmth of acid burning my skin, or more accurately, burning my soul: that innermost feeling-of-being.

“She didn’t notice, she acts as it was all the same, as if I never stop loving her“- she didn’t see your Love for her, she saw weakness that can be used against you, or something else, but not love. If she saw your love for her, if she felt it, she would have stopped hurting you. (this is a projection I am making, which I feel quite certain to be true).

“We’re living in France. Does it mean your mother was coming from a french speaking country before she had you?“- yes, she was born and lived as a girl in Casablanca Morocco, in the French part of the city. Her neighbors were all European French. She very much admired the French.

“I am feeling bad at the idea of causing you discomfort, so I prefer to take it upon myself and learn to deal with this anxiety. I am very thankful that you care about my feelings though, it is heart-warming. But I also want to do things right by you“- I feel very good answering right now, no exhaustion at all.  I don’t know what you mean by taking it upon yourself to deal with your anxiety- you didn’t burden me at all with your anxiety. I perceive you as a very responsible, socially-conscious person, one who is the farthest from burdening anyone with anything.

The exhaustion earlier was due to my compulsion to reply to each and every member who posts as soon as possible, so that they don’t feel ignored. Also, it’s due to my other compulsion, which is to reply to each and every point in a member’s post, so that.. nothing gets ignored. In this very post I am working on just that- and it is not difficult: I am not responding to every thing, or almost every thing in your most recent post. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Also, your recent post is shorter, and it does help me.

You started your post with “I’m happy to hear the feeling is mutual“- isn’t it wonderful when something positive is mutual? It’s … what I always wanted in regard to my mother: mutuality of something good. Well, it feel good to experience a bit of that with you!

anita

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