Home→Forums→Relationships→Should i stay or move on
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Tee.
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August 10, 2021 at 9:28 am #384435
JisooParticipantHi friends,
I am in a dilemma regarding a relationship matter. Please advise me. This is going to be long, please bear with me.Single mother here, who met a single man last year in my home town. He is a year older than me and working in a different country. We met twice for just few mins when he was in my home town and later shifted to full fledged talks and video calls for the next 5 months. I shared each and every thing of my life and daily activities. And most important point is i have unresolved emotional/mental issues with sudden passing away of my husband. So this guy became my emotional backbone. He is a very good listener and have a calm, charming personality. Understood me very well and accepted both my good and bad sides. I fell for him and asked if he wants a relationship. He said we are more than friends but not a relationship. This conflict continued for weeks since i strongly want a relationship but he refused it in a very subtle, non hurting way.
He is a good human but appears very shady few times. He never revealed his real name until i found it from his LinkedIn profile after 3 months of our first meet. He shared his job details from which i can trace his profile. He is single but i still not aware if he is in a live-in relationship in that country. He always denied it whenever i ask him but i seriously doubt because he is only available in his office hours and not evenings/weekends. We had several fights over this because at some point i only want the truth irrespective of he sees me as a girlfriend or not. Fights in the sense , i would shout, cry, dont talk for few days etc. He would remain silent all through and will talk normal to me when i cool down. I have blocked/unblocked , cut contact for lot of days but he patiently waits and talks to me normal. I don’t know what on Earth does he expects from me. He has bought me gifts in his last visit, bears all mood swings [they are really really bad]. If i am him, would never continue this friendship with me. Never ever forced me for romantic favors. On surface level/my perspective, i dont feel like he expects anything from me except that i stay in touch with him. He keeps saying that he will be there for me always , until the end .. not sure what that means though.
My concern is whether i should keep in touch or not with this shady personality. I tired cutting off entirely but could not. Primarily for 2 reasons – my own insecurities/issues and secondly he is too good as a human. He meets other women , also has some friends with benefits in the city he is staying. i get jealous when i hear all this but he doesn’t mind if i date other men. All he says is be in touch me as long as u can.
August 10, 2021 at 10:23 am #384454
AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
It seems to me that he may see you as an intimate female friend, not as a girlfriend, and that he is interested in continuing the 5-month intimate friendship, and that he is not interested in a romantic, monogamous relationship with you.
I don’t know why he tolerates the fights and why he “bears all mood swings (they are really really bad)”.
Like you stated, “He meets other women , also has some friends with benefits in the city he is staying”, and he is busy with other women outside his office hours, in the evenings and weekends (“he is only available in his office hours and not evenings/weekends”).
“Should I stay or move on“- move on from your hopes to have a romantic, monogamous relationship with him. If you can give up such hope while still maintaining a close, long-distance friendship with him (it will be difficult, maybe impossible)- then stay with him, as a long-distance friend.
If you can’t give up such hope while maintaining contact with him- then… move on, best you can!
* I was wondering: did he explain to you why he is completely unavailability after office hours, in the evenings and weekends? And why he didn’t give you his last name for so long?
anita
August 10, 2021 at 10:50 am #384459JisooParticipantHi Anita, Thanks for the response. The reason he gives for being unavailable is that he rests at home, meets friends, doesn’t wanna spend time on phone. He mentioned staying with a collegue there but I assume it’s a female, he is living with. Never ever shares a single information about that person. He visited my home last month but he showed his home on video call after a lot of pressure from me. There might be many things which I am not aware of him but all the times I confronted him, he would say I am good with u. Why do u bother about other stuff
August 10, 2021 at 10:59 am #384460JisooParticipantHe did show lot of romantic love and passion in the start, so I started developing such feelings slowly. Gave me lot of mixed signals when I asked if he is interested in a relationship. Somehow I feel guilty that it’s my constant nagging about his flatmate, his personal details etc drove him away from a romantic relationship from me. I have severe anxious attachment style , it became worse. It’s been a year since we met and as a friend , he is always very good in guiding me in financial, professional and personal matters.
August 10, 2021 at 11:01 am #384461AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
It doesn’t read like a good situation for you. I mentioned in my first post that he may see you as an intimate friend- an person who is an intimate friend doesn’t hide basic information about his life from his intimate friend, so I was wrong.
You confronted him and he said: “I am good with u. Why do u bother about other stuff?”- that’s a self-centered response: he is good with you and therefore .. it doesn’t matter that you are not good with him?
I don’t know his motivation for keeping the communication with you going, but it seems that his motivation is not even close to yours. I vote for.. moving on!
I am guessing it will be difficult for you..?
anita
August 10, 2021 at 11:12 am #384462AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
I read your most recent post. “He did show lot of romantic love and passion in the start“- maybe he has added you to the list of future hookups or whatnot, another female friend with whom to have sex when he is around and in need.
“Gave me lot of mixed signals when I asked if he is interested in a relationship“- not honest.
“Somehow I feel guilty that it’s my constant nagging about his flat mate, his personal details etc. drove him away from a romantic relationship from me“- from the little information you shared, reads to me that it is the option I started this post with that is more likely than him having been interested in a romantic, monogamous relationship with you from the beginning, and that he acted romantic at first so to draw you into his list, not so to actually have a romantic relationship.
“I have severe anxious attachment style , it became worse. It’s been a year since we met and as a friend , he is always very good in guiding me in financial, professional and personal matters“- I hope that you got enough guidance on financial and professional matters from him to last you for a while, but better not be guided by him when it comes to your personal matters with him.
anita
August 10, 2021 at 11:33 am #384463JisooParticipantHi Anita, I am highly confused. If its only for a hook up, I would have known a long time ago.. basically because most guys tag women along only for sex though not interested. But this person has never been indecent or crossed limits though we were very close emotionally at some point. He did try to talk intimate but stepped back when I was unresponsive. And we are always long distance, what use of bearing these fights for a hookup once in 5 months, when he visits . I don’t understand him. He is calm when I shout, calm when I rejected his advances, calm always and willing to be in touch no matter what. I don’t know if I am the dumb idiot for feeling that he does put effort to continue this. Quiet unpredictable. In this materialistic world,I don’t understand why would someone be therr for a person expecting nothing in return. I don’t understand his motivation. It might take some time for me to move on or not hope for love. But its not a regular thing to find some one who cares for us without expecting anything… except for parents. That’s my dilemma.
August 10, 2021 at 11:36 am #384464JisooParticipantImportant point to add …we did get intimate once but not because of his compulsion. Both of us wanted it. So it’s not like he is waiting for it, to happen someday.
August 10, 2021 at 12:18 pm #384465AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
A thing to remember is that not all men who want hookups are impatient and impulsive. He is calm, so it seems, and having already been intimate with you once, he may figure: better keep in touch with you, and be nice to you, so that he can be intimate with you again, some time in the future when he visits your area. He may be .. a nice hook-up-guy, seeing women as sexual objects and yet, being nice to their sexual objects.
He may be a hook-up-guy and a nice guy in that he likes to help people, men and women, with financial, professional and personal advice, so he helped you too.
I don’t know enough about him to be sure of what I just said. What I am saying is that not all men who are looking for hookups (vs. a monogamous love relationship, which is what you are looking for) behave the same way.
anita
August 10, 2021 at 6:55 pm #384484JisooParticipantHi Anita, we got intimate in March and his last visit was in July, when we met twice in cafes. There was no hook up though he stayed in my home town for a month. Somehow I am not able to decipher this person’s motivation.
August 10, 2021 at 7:59 pm #384485AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
You will be less confused if instead of trying to decipher his motivation, try to decipher: what is NOT his motivation?
It seems to me that his motivation is Not to have a monogamous boyfriend- girlfriend relationship with you. Does it seems like this to you?
anita
August 10, 2021 at 8:10 pm #384486JisooParticipantHi Anita, thanks for the quick response. Yeah I ll rest my case. As is ,I am no longer interested in him romantically , started seeing someone who stays close to me..but I got curious in a psychological way as I have never known someone in that way. Only came across guys who wants to get intimate whatever be the name was..casual or serious. This behavior is new to me and truly trying to understand people. Ladies, does anyone of you have a different view point ?
August 10, 2021 at 10:42 pm #384487
TeeParticipantDear Jisoo,
whatever his intentions are, he isn’t sincere because he wouldn’t have been hiding his name from you, and wouldn’t be so mysterious about his life. He knows everything about you, and you know hardly anything about him. You confide in him as if he were your best friend and confidante, and he doesn’t even give you his real name?? He isn’t available in the evenings or on the weekends, which means he wants to keep you out of his private life – because clearly his private life is dedicated to other people. He might be leading a double or triple life, misleading maybe not just you but other women too. If I were you, I would be wary of him.
Regardless of how “caring” and “supportive” he might seem, he is a scam and who knows what kind of game he is playing. You say you’re confused that he doesn’t want anything from you, isn’t forcing you to sex, has endless patience and tolerance, even when you’re attacking him, never raises his voice, and only asks you to stay in touch with him no matter what.
There could be more explanations why he behaves like that. One is that he might feel unwanted in his marriage and he likes feeling important to you (but still, not important enough to leave his wife and have an exclusive relationship with you). Another is that he likes feeling superior to women, and targets fragile women whom he then “helps” and “guides”. Another, a more ominous one, is that he is a psychopath, because he keeps telling you that he’ll stay with you “until the end”. What end, indeed?
Even if the latter is not the case (I might be paranoid!), I’d stay away from him. I understand that you feel fragile after your husband’s sudden death (I am sorry about that), and that you like his supposed caring and guiding you in various matters. You also say you have an anxious attachment style, which makes it even harder for you to be alone. That’s why you are attracted to him and want so desperately to be with him. But he is a scam, I am afraid, and the best would be to stop all contact.
August 11, 2021 at 12:19 am #384491JisooParticipantHi Teak,
Thanks for putting out the apt summary for my issue. Well, it could be any of the reasons you pointed out, he clearly knows what game he is playing and very well understood my concerns on how it effected my mental state. I backed out of romantic association citing the very same reason. i know his friends, colleagues and his family/home here. He is not married for sure, i wouldn’t even consider talking to him if he was. Like you said, yeah his personal life is still a mystery to me because he behaves same when he is in our home town too. He shares his work, investments, client details etc, taken me to visit his new home in his last visit. We met several times in public places and he doesn’t have any issue meeting anywhere [kind of not hiding]
Like you said his intentions were not as sincere as mine. I am not much into dating scenario and its really hard to read new people. This person has just lost his own brother and in the initial stages of our meeting,i feared asking any personal topics. Coming to caring, guidance and being supportive to me , he is same as my other close girl friends. I have a good friend circle who have been my constant support after the tragedy in my life. The only difference being i may have tried to fill the void created by my partner with this person.
yes he ticks all the green flags of a normal healthy relationship/meets all love languages [if u consider only 1 view i.e everything on his terms] he did want to meet my parents too ..all as a friend, nothing more. So may be he is not a scam but may be i give him an ego boost, may be ..that is why he wants to keep me in touch.
Thank you very much for putting out a different dimension to this story. I am yet to learn about people who play mind games/manipulative. We rarely talk these days and i want to cut it down completely. So looked for help in this website 🙂 in case i am loosing a good friend. My offline friends are as confused as me with this unpredictable behavior.
Thanks much Anita and Teak 🙂
August 11, 2021 at 12:37 am #384493TeeParticipantDear Jisoo,
you’re very welcome. Well, now that you say you know his family and he took you to his home, and he isn’t hiding your relationship, well perhaps he isn’t such a scam as I thought he was. If he’s recently lost his brother, he might feel that this is what you have in common – the grief and the pain – and he feels some empathy for you. Does he ever talk about his brother and the pain he’s feeling?
But nevertheless, his secretiveness is a big red flag, and it’s good that you’re not counting on romantic involvement any more and are cutting down contact. Because he still might have some ulterior motives, rather than just being a shoulder to cry on.
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