Dear Linarra:

“I feel really bad about myself when people start to care about me and then… notice their care won’t save me“- are you afraid that their caring is not rewarded by the hoped-for prize: you being saved? As all their efforts are for nothing, that you are wasting their time (?)

“Then in my mind, came the idea I am like my parents, un-savable, unlovable.. and not worthy of the attention of anyone unless I am able to save myself first“- we are people who need people, like the song says. We need people to heal, to save and be saved by. But we have to be careful of the people who need people.. to destroy.

“A part of me thinks I was selfish to open up enough, in a way that ended up… making you care. I wonder if you would have preferred if I have done things differently…  I am sad to have triggered such distress in you, but it comes with the territory. Do you have rather me to stay away?“- My distress used to be about as intense as yours, but it is now far less intense. I think that you perceive my distress at the present time as more intense than it is. It is not “such distress”- it is a relatively light, a very manageable distress.

I would not rather that you stayed away! I am glad (it is to my benefit!) that you posted. All these years, as I post, it is routinely on my mind that I am posting not only to the member I am addressing, but to someone else, someone silent on the other side of the screen, somewhere else, wondering who it is. And… here you are! Imagine there is another quiet, special person reading my words, your words, somewhere in our world… Maybe that person will start his/ her own thread.

“I should offer you a way out if it gets too much for you“- it’s not too much for me, really. Like I wrote above, you perceive my distress as much greater than it is. (=>I need to be sensitive to your distress).

“I liked the tree metaphor, I have a lot of affection for trees, I liked to imagine them as people when I was a child. I find them fascinating and beautiful“- caring for you, even though there is some, manageable distress, makes me feel better: like a tree with leaves and  blossoms, as opposed to a bare trunk of a tree, no leaves, no blossoms.

But it’s not possible when fear/ distress is too intense. Fear has to lessen and become manageable first, before we can relax into and enjoy caring for another person.

Some of the people who would tell you things like “if you wanted to heal you would leave your mother“, I have learned through my years of participation in the forums, are people who don’t dare leaving their own mothers, people who are still trying to change their mothers into loving mothers.

“People wouldn’t say it so harshly“-it doesn’t take a harsh tone or harsh words to re-open wounds, or keep them open.

“I do understand better why global warming is causing you such distress, you’re going through the concrete evidence of it. I hope your day will go alright despite the current heatwave and the smoke“- thank you. As I am typing now, at 3:06 pm, it is getting hotter and hotter (no air conditioning and the windows are closed because of the smoke). But… I prefer this over being with my mother in a cool home with a clear sky outside.

“I wasn’t able to get as spontaneous as you in my message”- there is a next time, anytime!

anita