Dear Linarra:

“I like them, these little bits of spontaneity when you share your time and what’s going on next for you“- then I will share more. The sun just came out, it is very sunny for the first time today. I hear the neighbors chicken making their noises from the outside and the air purifier in the inside (had been on since the wildfires smoke, no more smoke.. maybe I should turn it off).

“I really hope you’ll be able to have better sleep soon!“- thank you. And when I do sleep better, you will be the first to know!

“I try to guide her to better choices but she is still in power“- if you were in power, you wouldn’t be living with her or communicating with her, and you wouldn’t be trying to guide her.

“Strangely enough, she does listen sometimes! She considers my opinion on certain things. Often when I was a teen she would ask for my advice and not listen (it was annoying)“- reads like you feel a sense of accomplishment, a pride for what you believe is progress.

“Really, educating her is a full-time job“- I told you that you have a Job and it’s inside the house. I said the job was to prevent fires or put out fires that already started. Education is mostly about preventing fires.

“Because sometimes she sees the benefits of being reasonable.. some other times the drama what pleases her the most“- so there is an element of choice to her behavior.

“Educating her is still important because she has no idea how to behave well“- you underestimate her. It’s easier to think of one’s mother as one who doesn’t know better than it is to think of her as one who chooses to not do better.

“even when she wants to win over someone… I help her with that. It does not strengthen her power because at this point she’s very much disliked by all of us“- Maybe she pretends to listen to you, winning you over that way, just a bit, getting you excited over the perceived progress (“Strangely enough, she does listen sometimes!”)

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter now, because first I would need enough motivation to leave first for it to be a real worry.

“I am trying to figure out who I wanna become… and how to leave without ending up alone, or in another bad situation… I also don’t trust people”–

– to use Kahlil Gibran’s words in his poem On Children, words he addressed to mothers,  I would like you to become the daughter of life’s longing for itself, no longer owned by your mother.

From his poem: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams”.

“Now it is 8:13 pm here… I hope you’ll be able to get some rest today, and a better sleep tonight. I will think of you before I sleep.  I tend to, lately, since it’s been a while I’ve been deprived from my usual sources of daydreaming“- It is now 1:35 pm here, 10:35 pm your time. The sun is still shining, the sky is light blue, the chickens are quiet right now, inside I can hear the refrigerator motor.. the chicken sounds are back. I am hungry and tired. And I am smiling, feeling nice and warm inside with the thought of you.

anita

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