Dear Linarra:

The bear did not frighten me at all, when I saw him just a few meters from me, I thought of him as one of the cartoon bears, he looked sad and it felt to me that he was about to tell me why he is sad, in that sad bear voice you hear in cartoons. A big part of me not being afraid, I have no doubt, is that when I saw him, I was only partly outside and could have gone back in, protected. On the other hand,  it was me and the coyote face-to-face, nowhere to hide, no person in sight, so that was scary. I remember his blue eyes looking at me like a predator looks at its prey.. not like in a science fiction movie, no evil look on the coyote’s face, it was just business as usual in the natural world: he was trying to figure out if it will be worthy for him to attack.. maybe he could get hurt, maybe I was too big and will hurt him.

“I’m glad there is improvement in your sleep, I hope it’ll keep getting longer!“- thank you, there’s definitely an improvement, I was much more tired at this time yesterday than I am today.

“Are you thinking this hope and this sense of accomplishment is keeping me there?“- yes.

“Just mental death though“- mental death is of much longer duration than physical death, isn’t it.. imagine a mentally dead person saying about the physical death of another person: oh, that’s just physical death. That person would have a point.

“Nothing is as destructive as the weight of living with her insanity”- I have no comment about this sentence, it is worth copying and adding it here.

“I guess I’ll have to be precise with what I mean by “we” from now on…“- good idea! Even though you meant you and your siblings in that particular “we”, in that once sentence, I know (yes, that’s how strongly I believe it to be true, so much so that I .. know) that in your mind, your mother and you are one unit, a “we”. There are some cracks in that unit, no doubt, and no noticeable feelings of affection and love for her.. but you and her are still a “we”.

“Alright. Ew, so let’s sum it up. She and I, two different persons. And my disgusting love for that woman, not reciprocated“- you are disgusted by your love for her, but your love for her (or for anyone) was/ is never disgusting. It was and is beautiful. It’s just that when it is used against you by the one you love- it hurts and shames and .. makes one very angry.

“Earlier, before my nap… I thought again about how to reach freedom as I was drowsy. The only thing that came to my mind was my death.. calmly. This is an old pattern. When I think of any kind of escape, it’s never living that comes into my mind“- physical death is the fastest and easier way to accomplish freedom/ escape from living, no wonder it’s a calming, comforting thought.

“My brother thinks I’ll need meds or some kind of drug.. Maybe that’s what I need to feel enough emotions to initiate changes myself?“- maybe.

“Tomorrow I’ll go out because I have an appointment to get vaccinated“- glad to read that you will get vaccinated tomorrow! I am looking forward to read about it after it happens!!!

“I think as I’ll see the hills on the road until there, I will think of you“- I am smiling. It is now 11:21 am my time, 8:21 pm your time. I hope you sleep well tonight.

anita