Dear Linarra:

“I just came back from my vaccination, it went well“- excellent, congratulations!!!

“I was able to think a bit when I was waiting at the vaccination center, though. I think the lack of support outside my home and the lack of confidence in my ability to reach functionality and full autonomy are the main factors preventing me from wanting to leave“- you can replace what I put in bold with just one word: fear.

“I have been taught family were the only people I could count on“- your I agree: your mother is the only person you can count on to keep you sick and dysfunctional.

“My mother’s help doesn’t come from love“- what help, what love.. (I am not bothering to add a question mark here).

“my mother would help me and be there for me if I need it“- that ship has sailed long ago, meaning you needed her for many years and she was not there for you.

“she expects me to allow and forgive the abuse, and help her too. Ah, and not abuse her back… this part of the trade is unfair“- You know that it’s not fair on some surface level of understanding, but not on a deep level of understanding. A part of you believes that the trade is fair and that’s why you are still part of the trade.

“she can hurt me because she helps me”- she can hurt you because her motivation is to help herself, not to help you. Even though she ends up hurting herself, her motivation nonetheless is to help herself. It reminds me of the story of The Scorpion and the Frog. Think of yourself as the frog and your mother- the scorpion. Here is the story (please read when you can do so calmly and patiently, so that you can get into the story):

“One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn’t see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.”Hellooo Mr. Frog!” called the scorpion across the water, “Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?”

“Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?” asked the frog hesitantly.

“Because,” the scorpion replied, “If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!”

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. “What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!”

“This is true,” agreed the scorpion, “But then I wouldn’t be able to get to the other side of the river!”

“Alright then…how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?” said the frog.

“Ahh…,” crooned the scorpion, “Because you see, once you’ve taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!”

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog’s back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog’s soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog’s back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

“You fool!” croaked the frog, “Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?”

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog’s back.

“I could not help myself. It is my nature.”

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.” End of Story.

My little comment on the story and the parallel to your story: your mother can help herself but she doesn’t want to help herself, it’s too difficult, so she gives in to her impulses and the end result of your association with her can be nothing other than the two of you sinking into the muddy waters.

Back to your recent post: ‘but I wouldn’t be allowed to hurt her (if I wanted to, I don’t unless it’s a self-defense impulsion) even if I helped her”- the frog can’t hurt the scorpion, so the scorpion is not afraid of the frog.

“Anyway, I’ve been taught that support is… transaction… In the best scenario the other person would want something I can and am willing to give, in the worst scenario… well that would be quite uncomfortable. And I might be able to cope with my mother’s way of trading, but I am more worried about outsiders because what happens is less clear“-

– It is clear to me (still adhering to the story above) that the end result of you coping with your mother’s way of trading is that you sink into the muddy water. If you want to end up in clear, clean shallow water and walk to the shore- your only chance is to learn a different way of trading, one where you are not stung by a person whose nature is .. to sting.

“It hurts when I have to see my love as something negative… I like to love people. Loving feels good“- It hurts to get stung, especially by the one you love. Love feels good, being stung feels bad.

“It is 12:01 am now for me, 03:02 am for you. I hope you’ll still be asleep for a while, enough for you to feel good today, as I post this message“- It is 7 pm your time, 10 am mine. I was up at night but ended up back to sleep until 6, feeling okay, smiling, thinking of you.

anita