Dear Linarra:

You are welcome.

“Very small steps, but thank you!“- very  big steps, I say, and thank you for taking them, it makes me happy that you did.

“I would like to make it a habit“- I hope you do, the more gentle and patient, the greater the chance that you will make it a habit.

“Very effective weapons indeed. It messed up with my mind quite a lot. It made me very ashamed“- her weapons target the brain and messes it up. Shame is one big mess.

“by taming myself, or letting myself be tamed, I failed myself the most“- you helped yourself the most as a child, it was the smartest choice, nature’s choice. IF you are able to learn to live untamed, then this old taming is hurting you.

“letting my emotions be killed didn’t worth it either“- good thing that your emotions are not really dead.

“I am not my mother’s first daughter. I am her 3rd daughter“- according to my count then, she messed up five children. It’s a good thing she is too old to produce any more children.

“The one she affirms she had never loved is ironically the only one who left her, cutting ties on her own“- it is my understanding that your mother never loved any of her children. Editing this sentence according to my best understanding: The one she had never owned is understandably the only one who left her, cutting ties on her own.

* Imagine a mother kissing her daughter on the cheek with affection, and it feels very nice and warm inside, for the daughter, and maybe for the mother too- that’s loving, isn’t it.

Now imagine a mother doing the same, then slapping her daughter hard across the face, then kissing her on the cheek with affection.. then slapping her across the face, etc. Soon enough, the pain from the slapping is going to take away all the nice feeling of being kissed, isn’t it.

Now, let’s say that for the mother, when she kisses her daughter after slapping her face hard, she feels nice and warm inside, feeling affection for her daughter. My question for you, if you want to ponder it: where is the love in this dynamic?

“I’m starting to think lesser of people… which I guess isn’t a bad thing, because all my life I gave too much importance to people’s opinions, too much power over me, too much fear…“- yes, do think lesser of people who hurt people.  Don’t give them the opportunities to hurt you further.

anita