Dear Anita,

” The Exchange Principle was formed. I think that a girl giving her mother hugs and kisses in exchange for food and transportation .. is more likely to become a woman giving men the use of her body in exchange for … food and transportation (being driven to a restaurant and fed there, aka a date).”

I do not intend to pursue that, though. I am uninterested in having such exchanges with men, and in the outside world I would prefer to be struggling alone than in bad company (it is safer)… In my home, that’s another story because I have a lot to lose if I leave unprepared. But I am not tempted to trade my current situation with another of the same kind.

The male friend I felt betrayed by did try to buy me, of sort (I don’t know how intentional he was). I was frozen because I trusted him and didn’t know how to react, but in the end, I told him off. After months he came back, wanting to save our friendship. I did accept, but eventually, I realized it couldn’t be repaired so recently I told him we should cut ties and he agreed.

I really don’t want to fall into that kind of trap, really, if I can help it.

” I was thinking about our communication yesterday, before reading your recent post, I thought to myself: As I continue to communicate with Linarra, she will see her mother more and more as she is, and as that happens, Linarra will feel more and more uncomfortable living with her mother, seeing her everyday. Being so uncomfortable, Linarra is likely to end our communication so to regain her previous comfort in her home.”

It’s a scenario that makes sense, but I’m alright for now. Despite all the changes in my vision and interpretation, I am not a lot more uncomfortable with my mother’s presence. It is not exactly as there were brand new feelings, it is more… like putting words on feelings I cast away because I couldn’t explore this with anybody. I spend my whole life living with her (minus a few years), a new perspective won’t change my adaptation so quickly. It just makes me more aware for now.

The discomfort and distress I am feeling is… worry, for myself and the future. I worry about what my life is going to be if I am unable to find a solution and to heal… worse if I am unable while being aware of everything. It is not exactly comfortable to question everything I am, for sure… but I was already not feeling very well before starting this forum thread so I don’t hold it against you or this conversation.

I have been unable to do much escapism lately, so I wouldn’t be able to choose to forget this conversation. And I don’t exctly want to forget either. So for the moment, I’m stuck with this. I still do not intend to end our communication. Unless you want me to end it, of course.

In the short term, the possibility of being troublesome for you is still more worrying (my usual kind of worry though). And the fear of developing an emotional attachment if the conversation goes on is another thing I’m dealing with. There would be more chances for me to take distance due to emotional investment and fear to burden than there would be chances for me to back off because you’re making me see my mother as the bad person she is. I do know I’ve been raised by bad people and that I have a rotten family, what I don’t know is… how to deal with the anxiety that comes with feeling some kind of connection with good people, while being who am I right now and being tight to such a rotten place. In doubt, I tend to consider backing off, but I only do so if I notice my presence is undesired or bad for the other person.

“* Regarding her “abusive husbands”-unless you have evidence that any of her husbands abused her (other than what she tells you, which I wouldn’t count as evidence), there is no reason for me to believe that indeed she was abused, and/ or that abuse was not mutual.”

I have some evidence but it doesn’t tell how regular it was, or if it was mutual. I’m not sure if it matters anyway because being abused doesn’t justify becoming an abuser. It is an explanation, but it doesn’t mean it should be okay.

“Now, I am thinking: Linarra may not like me comparing her mother to a Nazi guard”

Well, I won’t protect her from that comparison. She can be quite racist and once, when we were fighting her over one of her racist comments by comparing her to nazis, she answered with a provoking “Hail Hitler!” Of course she was contextually rebelling against our disapproval of her racism, but that’s enough for me to not be put off with such a comparison.

“she enjoyed seeing your discomfort because it meant that she had power over you (power to make you feel badly with no consequence to her, she gets away with it).. “

I can believe that because it would explain a lot of harmful things she did to me while being aware of what she was doing to me.

” the child’s brain is not developed enough and capable enough to question it.”

Which explains why the questioning happened much later.

My oldest half-sister, the one who cut ties with my mother from her own will, she talked to me to warn me she will be cutting ties. She told me that I would understand later. Back then, I already understood why she would cut ties, it was no secret my mother was a bad mother for her, but I asked her to explain, I wanted to have more of her side of the story. I’m not sure how it went on, my memory of this is blurry, I think I was uncomfortable with the idea my mother was a bad mother for my half-siblings while being an alright mother for her new children. But I was wrong… The perceived difference was because I wanted to believe my mother was good for my siblings and I, because we were young and needed her. My brain couldn’t deal with the possibility she was bad and couldn’t change.

Linarra