Dear Anita,

Before replying, I’ll tell you some news that I believe will please you. First, my brother went back to his studies, so he won’t be home for the next few months and since he mentioned a lot his intention of not coming back at all if he can’t help it (and he’s quite determined) he might not come back. Second, the fact he came back home this summer was actually helpful for something, because he helped my sister getting a job and making a step further in her goal, if it goes well for her she might be the next one to leave. It will take some time, but there’s progress for her. I am proud of them.

Now, I’ll reply to your post:

” I will never, ever again refer to any one of these women as Mothers, but as Monsters. If you prefer that I use another word that has a definite negative connotation (in English or in French), let me know what it is.”

I understand your need and I’ll try to be careful to not use the term mother with you from now on then. I don’t know how comfortable with using the term Monster myself, but I might get used to it. I can’t think of another English term. In French, I’m thinking about “marâtre”

Definition from wordsense.eu :

marâtre (fem.) (pl. marâtres)
1. A stepmother (especially an evil one, as the -âtre suffix came to be a pejorative)
2. An abusive, wicked birth mother

“she weakened you with her triple weapon of Fear-Shame-Guilt, profiting from your history of being small and helpless as babies and young children, and keeping you that way.”

I feel this one deeply. She’s been doing that so much, unfortunately successfully.

“You can’t know how it is to be connected to others as a person when you didn’t yet adequately experience it long enough to trust that it exists and can be trusted to continue. This is why for as long as you allow it, I must stay connected with you, so that maybe.. just maybe you will trust me and our connection.”

Thank you.. It is important to me. I don’t know how long it’ll take to really trust, but I am glad you are willing to try. I really believe I need more positive connections, real ones, with people who consider me as a person. Maybe it’ll help me find back some life and be more connected to my emotions. And maybe as I feel more and more like a person, and get used to healthier connections, I will recognize more easily the wrongness when it is happening.

“back to the tree image, I said I have a couple of blossoms, guess what- I have a third, because I connected with you, and there are more blossoms to have because as long as we are alive there is always something missing/ something to yet have.”

This image is hopeful, I like it. And I’m honored to be able to add one more blossom to your tree.

“you don’t know because I didn’t tell you and because my brain’s function has greatly improved: my brain failed me for decades in ways that could have easily killed me. My brain was severely inattentive, severely numb, severely dissociated, I was spaced out.. couldn’t focus, couldn’t process information.”

I’m glad to read it can greatly improve, and that it did for you. This issue is one of the things that makes me lack confidence in the idea of being able to take care of myself well enough to survive in the outside world. Not being able to trust my cognitive functions is scary…

” It was so pathetic, in my mind. I thought to myself: THIS IS ALL IT TOOK???? This is all I had to do in the past to make her stop???? And I felt sorry for her, oh.. poor monster lost her courage.” “That was the last time she attempted to physically hit me. So you see.. the monster is not out of control when she abuses us, it’s simply a power strategy on her part.”

It is easier to stop physical attacks than mental manipulations… And I also believe I was more messed up by the mental attacks than any of the physical ones I receive in my life. The physical ones are proofs something is wrong, they show evidence of something awful. The mental ones are more easily overlooked, innocent looked, and before you know it you’re stuck into the trap so deep and even there it can be difficult to recognize the victimize as one.

“I expected myself to process everything quickly and become a.. functional member of society, put a lot of pressure on myself. I failed every time I tried to meet my own unrealistic expectations.”

I feel this one very deeply too. It takes a lot to let go of unrealistic expectations.

“I really like you too. When I feel distant from you again, maybe even angry… I will take a break, a walk outside.. and I will like you again afterwards. Anger doesn’t have to be catastrophic and lead to a disaster.. if you are not a monster.”

Thank you. And you are right. Another emotion that has been twisted so much.

Linarra