Dear Anita

Thank you for asking and helping me get to the bottom of my “injustice” issue.

I have 2 siblings, and we were parented by a single mother, whom I came to realise is a narcissistic and toxic person. She has little capacity for empathy, is self centred, controlling, critical, etc. If you read about the traits of a narcissistic mother, she has all of them.

To this day, each time I contact her (we don’t live in the same country), she would never ask about how I am doing but instead, focus on what she wants from me – in a very ungrateful and demanding way. It is very clear that it is all about her.  It is my culture to respect elders, so all my siblings just give in to her whims and wishes. She is getting older now, and those demands are increasing. I feel that she uses us for her own needs. I don’t think we have ever got any form of emotional support from her. The only support from her was housing, education, clothes, food, etc when we were growing up.

My dad died when we were 5 years old, and my mother had an affair with a married man. This man tortured and abused us kids, physically and emotionally.  The abuse lasted till we were grown-up in our late teens. I left as soon as I could to study univeristy in another country. And never returned to live with my mother, much to her disappointment as she wanted me to be back looking after her.

The above is a brief account of my childhood. There was a lot of trauma as we were abused as children.

When dealing with my mum, while I understand that it is important to set boundaries, I don’t want to feel the guilt of neglecting her when she passes on.  She is elderly now. So, I find myself wrestling with a dislike for her as a toxic person/parent, but a deep care for her because she is my mother.

rgds

DC