Forum Replies Created
November 4, 2023 at 10:42 am #424785
Bless you Anita!November 4, 2023 at 10:23 am #424783
Thank you again for your kind words about me! I believe that my dealings with my mother over the years have shaped me to be the person I am. I do stand up to abuse and bullying. They are tiggering for me. From our exchanges, I observe that you and I seem to have similar childhood experiences. We both turned out to be fighters. Let’s both reframe our experiences – instead of looking at the negatives, look at how independent and strong we have both turned out to be. While you have graciously supported me through my darker moments, I too want to be there for you. Therefore please feel free to reach out to me anytime Anita. I have been blessed to have encountered a kindred spirit on this site.
DCNovember 4, 2023 at 12:51 am #424774
Thank you again for your post and recalling my bad experiences with my mother. It has been a difficult relationship. For my mental health particularly given that she has now passed, it is best for me not to dwell on or resurrect the negatives any longer. There is really no point. When I saw her in her last weeks, I felt very sad for her. She was clasping to her life, but did not have the health to do so.
I understand where you are coming from re your own mother. Abuse can never be condoned. I did not condone it after I realised what my own mother was doing. I called her out on it, and caused her a lot of grief. As you rightly said, as children, we seek love from our parents, not abuse. It is a real betrayal!
However you have found strength within yourself and courageously forged your own path Anita. That process must have been character-forming, enabling you to be the wonderful lady you are, with the knowledge and heart to assist others. All that pain therefore has not been in vain. You are commendably living a life beyond yourself through supporting others!
I have, and encourage everyone, to let go of any grudge or resentment however difficult that may be. It took me a whiile…a long while actually! When my mother passed, the futility of it was clear for me. As the Buddhists aptly say:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
With my mother, I saw her cremated. She was burnt and reduced to ashes. Nothing more to feel or say. It is final.
As I said Anita, death is grounding for everyone!
DCOctober 31, 2023 at 9:03 pm #423895
Dear Anita – Thank you again. And again for following up. My mother has just passed away – she died in June after fighting cancer for about a year. She was a fraction of herself – very thin, utterly helpless. I felt sad to see her that way. As they say, nothing is permanent. Death is grounding for all of us.
On your experience with the female gender, I feel disturbed by that. At the end of the day, it is their loss!
I find you to be a very helpful, kind and gracious person who provides very direct and honest advice. I just want to let you know that I truly appreciate you, and all the kind advice that you have provided people on this site. It showcases the overwhelming good heart you have Anita!
DCOctober 31, 2023 at 8:54 pm #423894
Thank you Roberta for looking at the situation from that perspective. It is something that I did give heed to – except that the building manager could have phoned or asked me before going ahead with it. My view is that she was trying to satisfy the family, and disrespected me by just pushing ahead without even asking me. It is not that difficult to just ask – I have a phone, she has my number. But I do appreciate your different perspective Roberta. Thank you again.October 29, 2023 at 9:06 pm #423831
Thank you v much again Anita for your kind advice. Appreciate it and hope you have a good week ahead!
Cheers!October 26, 2023 at 9:58 pm #423779
Hi Anita – thank you for this! Bella represented to me that her contractor would investigate and report! Instead, the plumber apparently, from the invoice, proceeded to fix it without checking with me first. I therefore could not get my own plumber to deal with it at a lower cost. Further it may not be what they say it is. It’s also against the law to just go into someone else’s property and then proceed to fix whatever you think is wrong with it. There could be corresponding damage. To do that, then present me with a bill for all the investigation and plumbing costs is just wrong and utterly disrespectful. She has done that because she feels protected by “the family”. She would not have done that to a family member.November 13, 2021 at 4:38 am #388532
Thank you for inquiring! It has been good for me currently. Managed to deal with the committee issue and exposed the dishonest behaviour within it at a general meeting of all owners. As a consequence, the treasurer resigned, which is an excellent outcome. I have decided to relocate as it is not worth my while to be engaged in such toxicity. I am sure that this is merely a short-term reprieve and there will be further undesirable incidents later down the track.
Aside from that, I have been learning Buddhism bit by bit.
How about you Anita? All well with you?
September 18, 2021 at 8:46 pm #386438
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by DC.
Yes, Stephen Batchelor’s work is good. I have his book but have not read it yet. But I will!
I think believing in reincarnation is a bridge too far for me. So is believing in a God such as in Christianity.
Hence secular buddhism appeals as it provides a very practical way to deal with life issues and hopefully helps me become a better person in this life.
3 days ago, I started listening to podcasts (when doing work around my home!) by Noah Rasheta in his website called Secular Buddhism . He may have founded his site after Stephen Batchelor but it does not matter. He does refer to Batchelor’s work a bit during his podcasts. Batchelor published his book “Buddhism without beliefs” in 1997. Anyway, Rasheta has a way of clarifying buddhist teachings to novices like me. In his website, you will find there is a section for people just starting out. In there are 5 wonderful podcasts. I have listened to all 5 and they are very helpful.
I think it is good for me to have a conceptual framework where I can build from. I am hoping that Rasheta’s 5 podcasts will provide that foundation for me.
One person who got me very interested in Buddhism is Robert Wright. He marries psychology with buddhism in a beautiful way. You can hear lots of his ideas via YouTube and also his book or course (free course in Coursera.) Like the others, Robert Wright does not believe in the supernatural aspects but uses buddhism to help others with life issues which, as you know, are often psychological.
DCSeptember 18, 2021 at 4:49 am #386416
Thank you for asking! Yes, things have been well. I am learning a lot about Buddhism. Came across some podcasts on Secular Buddhism and have been listening to them. Never waste a good crisis therefore it has been a time of contemplation and hopefully growth for me.
Thanks again Anita!
DCSeptember 10, 2021 at 5:41 pm #386071
Yes, what you said about distress being like heavy, grey clouds is a good characterisation of why I often get stuck!
Thank you again for your support Anita and very kind offer to help. You are an amazing person!
DCSeptember 9, 2021 at 8:02 pm #386039
Thank you again!
You have the wonderful gift of cutting out the noise and getting to the essence. Therefore your clarity is absolutely helpful.
When I get involved, it is often so hard to see the wood from the trees. I think I get too emotionally involved as well – and that clouds my judgement.
To answer your question – it is definitely not worth my time and effort – so I will divorce myself from involvement.
I really want to tell you that it has been truly helpful to be able to talk to someone like you Anita on this forum. Such a breath of fresh air – and you don’t prevaricate, you just get to the truth in a no-nonsense way. I have really benefited from your responses.
Thank you again for adding value to my life, and diligently hearing me out!
DCSeptember 9, 2021 at 6:20 pm #386035
Thank you v much for your advice – again!
Yes, your understanding is correct – I also reduce my own personal expenses when I reduce the community expenses.
But very few people seem to care about it until they get the quarterly levies i.e. compulsory contributions that they need to make to top up the community fund. Then they come to me to ask why it has increased! And complain.
I think writing here and hearing from you have given me clarity. I think I am attached to the waste of money – and perhaps I should not put so much personal effort into saving the community funds when I am bearing a heavy cost for it personally (mentally, time, etc).
Thanks again Anita for your kind assistance always!
DCSeptember 8, 2021 at 8:11 pm #385979
Thank you for your message again. We will just communicate on this forum going forward as it does a great job and allows others to learn from your wisdom.
In my first post, I shared about being a voluntary, unpaid member of the Strata Committe (“SC”) where I live. Just last night, in the midst of some personal crisis, I had a knock on the door and had a neighbour asking me to help her with the security gate to the garage. It was urgent as she could not move her car out. This happens too frequently – and in the past, I would do everything to help – sacrificing my own time, sleep and commitments. And then work past midnight to finish my own things.
Their expectation is that because I have helped in the past and am a member of the SC, it is my duty to help everyone – regardless. The rest of the SC dont’ help or don’t do much (I think quite wisely!) – therefore no one ever asks them. Instead, the neighbours come to me because they know that I will help them. Many of these people, I feel, are users. When I do need their help – usually to help someone else within the community – they are nowhere around or just refuse to assist.
I feel that their sense of entitlement – that I, DC, have to drop everything to help them whenever – has started to irritate me, exacerbated by the inappropriate conduct of other SC members and also owners.
The sense I get from them is that it is all about them, and they don’t really care about the effects on me or the community.
I tend to continue helping because if I don’t, then they would be inconvenienced and also perhaps they will incurr huge costs for the SC by engaging inappropriate tradespeople to do it for them. So, I continue to help.
I have started to wonder if my motivation (attachment?) to help them is also largely driven by this wanton waste of money and resources – they will call random tradespeople to get things sorted out – and then pass the huge, ridiculous bill to the SC to pay (out of the community funds which every resident contributes to). This happens frequently and after-hours call outs are very expensive in my country.
I wonder – should I just refuse to help in future and point them to other SC members – whom I know, would not want to help them? Should I just de-tach from this wanton use of community funds – and perhaps realise that my time is more valuable than the money I try to save for the community? And if yes to these questions, why am I so attached to all of that?
DCSeptember 8, 2021 at 5:42 am #385951
Dear Anita – sorry about causing you hurt. It is the last thing I want to do. You are so undeserving of that! I had a setback today in life. I cannot write now but will perhaps tomorrow or the day after when I get the chance after settling a few personal issues. Again, apologies for the distress and hurt caused Anita. I was always going to write later today before I went to bed.