September 8, 2021 at 5:06 am #385950
We exchanged emails yesterday, only 7 days since we first communicated for the first time. As I wrote to you in the 3rd email, I I feel awkward about communicating with you on email because as gracious as you are (and you are!), as close as I feel to the subject matter that we’ve been discussing, I just don’t know you long enough to communicate with you on a more intimate level (email=>phone calls=> in-person).
For example, when I post on tiny buddha in a member’s thread, I do not expect to get a reply and am not disappointed when I don’t. But when I send an email I expect a reply and when I don’t get it, I feel disappointed and hurt.
Here is what I suggest: I am fine and dandy with communicating with you here, for as long as you wish (I will not mention your true name or country), and if, in the future, you and I are comfortable about moving to email, we will.
anitaSeptember 8, 2021 at 5:42 am #385951
Dear Anita – sorry about causing you hurt. It is the last thing I want to do. You are so undeserving of that! I had a setback today in life. I cannot write now but will perhaps tomorrow or the day after when I get the chance after settling a few personal issues. Again, apologies for the distress and hurt caused Anita. I was always going to write later today before I went to bed.
DCSeptember 8, 2021 at 6:20 am #385953
Really, you have done nothing wrong to me and therefore, nothing for you to apologize for! Plus, I didn’t experience any amount of significant hurt or distress as a result of our recent communication, so no harm done. But as I mentioned above, I need to keep our communication here on tiny buddha at this time.
I am sorry about the setback you experienced! Post about it if you want, when you have the time (I understand that you are very busy and I don’t want posting here to be another chore or task in your busy day!)
anitaSeptember 8, 2021 at 8:11 pm #385979
Thank you for your message again. We will just communicate on this forum going forward as it does a great job and allows others to learn from your wisdom.
In my first post, I shared about being a voluntary, unpaid member of the Strata Committe (“SC”) where I live. Just last night, in the midst of some personal crisis, I had a knock on the door and had a neighbour asking me to help her with the security gate to the garage. It was urgent as she could not move her car out. This happens too frequently – and in the past, I would do everything to help – sacrificing my own time, sleep and commitments. And then work past midnight to finish my own things.
Their expectation is that because I have helped in the past and am a member of the SC, it is my duty to help everyone – regardless. The rest of the SC dont’ help or don’t do much (I think quite wisely!) – therefore no one ever asks them. Instead, the neighbours come to me because they know that I will help them. Many of these people, I feel, are users. When I do need their help – usually to help someone else within the community – they are nowhere around or just refuse to assist.
I feel that their sense of entitlement – that I, DC, have to drop everything to help them whenever – has started to irritate me, exacerbated by the inappropriate conduct of other SC members and also owners.
The sense I get from them is that it is all about them, and they don’t really care about the effects on me or the community.
I tend to continue helping because if I don’t, then they would be inconvenienced and also perhaps they will incurr huge costs for the SC by engaging inappropriate tradespeople to do it for them. So, I continue to help.
I have started to wonder if my motivation (attachment?) to help them is also largely driven by this wanton waste of money and resources – they will call random tradespeople to get things sorted out – and then pass the huge, ridiculous bill to the SC to pay (out of the community funds which every resident contributes to). This happens frequently and after-hours call outs are very expensive in my country.
I wonder – should I just refuse to help in future and point them to other SC members – whom I know, would not want to help them? Should I just de-tach from this wanton use of community funds – and perhaps realise that my time is more valuable than the money I try to save for the community? And if yes to these questions, why am I so attached to all of that?
DCSeptember 9, 2021 at 8:35 am #386001
I will be back to you in a couple of hours.
anitaSeptember 9, 2021 at 12:56 pm #386014
“the neighbours come to me because they know that I will help them. Many of these people, I feel, are users“-
– when you help users, you help them to use you; availing yourself to being used by them.
“their sense of entitlement – that I, DC, have to drop everything to help them whenever… it is all about them, and they don’t really care about the effects on me or the community“- don’t feed their sense of entitlement by dropping everything to help them, or by helping them at all. Don’t help uncaring users to.. use you.
“I have started to wonder if my motivation (attachment?) to help them is also largely driven by this wanton waste of money and resources – they will call random tradespeople to get things sorted out – and then pass the huge, ridiculous bill to the SC“- type a letter stating this and send it to every one of the SC members and ask for their feedback and suggestions, if you haven’t already (?)
“I wonder – should I.. realise that my time is more valuable than the money I try to save for the community.. why am I so attached to all of that?“- you are a part of the community, therefore when you help SC members, you lessen their personal expenses, but you also your own personal expenses, am I understanding correctly ?(I am not familiar with Strata Committees and how they work).
anitaSeptember 9, 2021 at 6:20 pm #386035
Thank you v much for your advice – again!
Yes, your understanding is correct – I also reduce my own personal expenses when I reduce the community expenses.
But very few people seem to care about it until they get the quarterly levies i.e. compulsory contributions that they need to make to top up the community fund. Then they come to me to ask why it has increased! And complain.
I think writing here and hearing from you have given me clarity. I think I am attached to the waste of money – and perhaps I should not put so much personal effort into saving the community funds when I am bearing a heavy cost for it personally (mentally, time, etc).
Thanks again Anita for your kind assistance always!
DCSeptember 9, 2021 at 7:34 pm #386037
You are welcome.
“I also reduce my own personal expenses when I reduce the community expenses” – if you reduce your own personal expenses by so much that it’s worth your time and effort participating in the S.C- then keep going. But if the reduction is not worth your time and effort- quit your unpaid work for the S.C.
The Serenity Prayer says in part: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”: think of the S.C. as one of the many things you cannot change and try to accept it serenely, best you can. Focus on what you can change, not on what you cannot change.
anitaSeptember 9, 2021 at 8:02 pm #386039
Thank you again!
You have the wonderful gift of cutting out the noise and getting to the essence. Therefore your clarity is absolutely helpful.
When I get involved, it is often so hard to see the wood from the trees. I think I get too emotionally involved as well – and that clouds my judgement.
To answer your question – it is definitely not worth my time and effort – so I will divorce myself from involvement.
I really want to tell you that it has been truly helpful to be able to talk to someone like you Anita on this forum. Such a breath of fresh air – and you don’t prevaricate, you just get to the truth in a no-nonsense way. I have really benefited from your responses.
Thank you again for adding value to my life, and diligently hearing me out!
DCSeptember 10, 2021 at 6:55 am #386050
You are welcome once again. I love reading what you wrote, that I “don’t prevaricate“- at first I thought the word was misspelled, but I looked it up and there really is such a word, to prevaricate= to deviate from the truth, to speak falsely or misleadingly.
“When I get involved, it is often so hard to see the wood from the trees. I think I get too emotionally involved as well – and that clouds my judgement”- distressing emotions do cloud our vision. If clear vision and understanding is like a clear blue sky, then distress is like heavy, grey clouds. Any time you would like my help with the undoing of a heavy, grey cloud- let me know!
anitaSeptember 10, 2021 at 5:41 pm #386071
Yes, what you said about distress being like heavy, grey clouds is a good characterisation of why I often get stuck!
Thank you again for your support Anita and very kind offer to help. You are an amazing person!
DCSeptember 10, 2021 at 7:45 pm #386075
Funny I wrote to you earlier about figurative grey clouds and to my amazement- the darkest grey, almost black real clouds appeared all over the sky in the last few hours, something I don’t remember seeing before. I wonder what kind of a storm is going to happen tonight.
You are welcome, DC, thank you for your kind words. Post again anytime!
anitaSeptember 17, 2021 at 8:49 am #386401
I hope you are well, DC, thinking about you!