Dear Linarra:

Thank you for your kind and wise feedback regarding what I shared with you yesterday!

“when it comes to emotions and facing unknown and fear, we still are children aren’t we? It is important to be encouraging but patient, keep trying but gently…“- perfectly said.

“It is still going well with my friend.. And I slept well enough, beside a weird pattern of waking up around 4 am and falling back asleep around 5-6 am. How is your sleep lately?“- I woke up today about 5 am, stayed in bed for a long time, then got up, not refreshed though, still tired. Not at my best cognitively, slow.

“What does ‘a place where I belong’ would mean? -feeling comfortable/safe – being in control of the environment, in ability to react when something happens requiring actions, not always having to ask an authorization to do something or to worry about someone else’s reaction“- a place with clear RULES come to mind, specific rules of interactions between the people sharing the place, rules you agree to and everyone else agrees to beforehand.

“even if I’m an introvert and can get by with a lot of alone time, I want to be in a place where interacting with some people I love regularly is a possibility.. a big motivation factor, but my connections are very shrinking over time… At the moment, there’s nowhere and no one I’m moving towards… running on almost empty. Our conversation and my connection with you the last few months has been sort of an anchor, helping me reconnect with my feelings… We change as we grow… I can be alright and enjoy what I have at the moment, whether it will last or not, and not be distressed too much knowing my connections have their high and their low”-

-Putting the above altogether, here is what comes up to my (tired) mind: We change as we grow and we grow as we change. Let’s look at the last part: We grow as we change. Our connection needs to change so that it can grow: if we exchange emails, I will learn your true name and will be able to say it out loud and hear myself saying your name. We could possibly exchange pictures and I could see your face as I say your name. I can call you and hear your voice and your words.. how exciting.. these are all changes.

Life demands change, and there is no life without change. When you are not changing- with breaks, with rest in between changes, and at your own pace- you are “running on almost empty“, and “nowhere and no one I’m moving towards“, as you wrote. You need to go someplace (even if it is a short distance away, like when I take my daily walk), and you need to move toward something.

Remember you shared that your brother commented on how excited you were to receive a reply from me- receiving a reply that was not there before is a change, and that change excited you. Hearing my voice say your name may excite you as well, that would be a change. Feeling alive is about Change.

anita