Dear Candice88,

He feels guilty about the way he acted when we were together, so maybe he gushed all of those emotions at me to make me crack and tell him it’s okay, that he’s clean in my books (which I didn’t do).

Well, based on what you said about him in your latest post, perhaps he doesn’t even feel guilty for how he treated you back then, but was rather worried about his image, about your and other people’s opinion of him, and that’s why he now sold you the story that you mean to him much more than you actually do. I mention other people’s opinions too, because you said that he talked with a mutual friend and that she told him he messed up:

A mutual friend confirmed that he regretted the break up months after it happened, and that she told him how he messed up.

His ego couldn’t handle that people think badly of him. So he tried to change this. He told you how he regrets his actions not because he truly regrets them, but so that you would change your opinion of him. That you would see him in a better light. Which means he is a manipulator.

And that is a good comment about him staying friends with his exes – his exes never had feelings for him, really. They were all one night stands or a week of sex with female friends as they took breaks from their boyfriends. And those all ended with the girls saying “that was fun, let’s go back to just friendship now, don’t take it personally”.

Earlier you said he made you stay friends with his exes:

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

Does it mean he made you be friends with his one-night stands and his friends with benefits? How did that function?

I must say, the more I read about the guy, the less I like him. You are much better off that he isn’t reciprocating your feelings and doesn’t want you in his life. How are you feeling about it?

Regarding M, him being in the car is definitely similar to a teenager avoiding their parents in their room. And just for more information, the computer to make his music isn’t in his garage, it’s in the living room. So he just goes out to his garage to do….things (previously meth). For hours. Then comes in to start his music hours after he said he would, usually after midnight, and spends the whole night at the computer. That clarification isn’t too important, but it does explain why the garage is a place of stress for me when he disappears there for such a long time.

It is important, because I thought he was making music in his garage… but if he does it on the computer in the living room, then when he disappears to the garage, no wonder you freak out… Do you think he might be still using, when he disappears to his car or garage, or he is clean now?

You have been so supportive, and offered me so much solid advice and comforting words.

You are very welcome, Candice, I am glad it helped you.

After M, I worry about the lasting effects. I worry that I will miss red flags, and withhold love for a new partner (very much not my style) in fear that a year down the road I will discover they have been lying either through denial/lack of self awareness or manipulation. The last 7 years of my life have been coloured by 3 men like this, 2 of which have drastically affected my life and mental health.

I understand your trepidation. Perhaps if you could list those red flags, which you are aware of now, but weren’t at the time – it would help you get clarity on what to pay attention to. Now looking back, what were the behaviors that were fishy to you and you didn’t like about them, and it later turned out you were right because the guy was a liar or a manipulator?