Dear Lutie:

You are welcome. You wrote regarding your family looking at you as if you were “a monster with cold blood” when you didn’t shed tears about your father’s death: “I could really blame them for the cold stare since I never told my mom and siblings regarding the molestation“- but they knew about the beating that your father inflicted on you.. and him beating you was a a big enough reason to explain why you weren’t sad when he died, and why you were angry at him.

When you told your mother about your father having sexually molested you, she reacted this way: “my mom tried to defend my dad by saying he was a good man, that he was a victim of abuse himself which turned him into a different person at times. Then she questioned whether I imagined the whole thing, if it did happen I should just forget about it and move on since his not around anymore (why blame a deceased person)“- you have a bigger problem than an aggressive sister: your mother. She defends abusers (your physically and sexually abusive father, and your aggressive sister), she is on their side. This is very, very sad.

You wrote regarding your mother: “I do blame her for siding with my sister more“- I blame her too: she should never side with an abuser/ aggressor!

“Today my sister just said ‘sorry’ then walked away (what she always does), I pointed out to her that it was not a proper apology without changed behavior“- you are correct. It is very easy to say “sorry”. It takes a second and no effort. She says the word for a dishonestly manipulative purpose: to make it (falsely) appear that she is the good/ humble/ kind one and you are the bad/unforgiving/unkind one.

“I wonder why people who hurt another never seem to retain any memories of the incident“- they say they don’t remember.. it doesn’t mean that they don’t remember.

“Do you think it would help her understand about how I feel by telling her about what she did in the past till now? (I know this is fruitless, but I feel like telling her so that I could let go of the idea of changing/understanding her)“- I don’t think that she is interested in you helping her to understand you, I don’t think she cares to understand you. But you can try and find out. If you do, let me know what you told her and how she reacted, will you?

anita