Hi TeaK,

What did your mother say? Did she agree with your father?

She did not agree, she was willing to let me remove my facial and body hair but she was afraid to speak to my father about it because he would become angry. I think it’s important to let you know my father had narcissistic traits (according to my siblings), and an unhealthy mindset and view on life. By narcissistic traits, I’m referring to arrogance, desire for power and wealth, manipulation, but only towards others, not his children. He is not this way anymore. In his eyes, he was preparing me for the reality of life, the harsh and cruel life that he had to face and overcame. He wanted the best for me but was unable to see how his actions and thinking were wrong and twisted. I understand that his intention was to never hurt me, but unfortunately, they did. I have no hard feelings towards my father, I love him very much and always did. He was just uninformed at the time but now has understood what he did was wrong.

If your father had the last word in a rather female problem of removing facial/body hair, does that mean that your mother didn’t really have a say in your home? And she “protected” you by allowing you to skip school in secret?

Yes exactly. My mother did not have a say at home. My father would try to keep his power and control over his wife because he assumed she would be really demanding, because of the environment she grew up in. My mother is not like this at all, she’s super sweet and easy-going. My father assumed that because she grew up rich and married someone who came from poverty, she would be demanding of luxurious items. So he had to keep his power over her. He has since loosened up a lot. So that is why my mother was afraid, she is not that afraid anymore because she has regained her power and my father is more understanding now. I’m very open with my parents now, especially about my anxiety.

If your father knew about it, he would have forced you to go to school, without showing much understanding for your anxiety?

I don’t think so. My father would never see me cry, only my mother would. I didn’t speak to my father about my anxiety as a child, so he didn’t know what I was dealing with. I was too afraid to ask him for permission to remove my facial hair because I assumed he would get angry and say no, so I never did. But when he saw me having a breakdown, he immediately had a change of heart and gave me permission. So, if he knew about it I’m sure he would’ve let me done whatever I wanted.

It seems to me you got poor parenting both from your mother, who was permissive but powerless, and your father, who was strict and lacking empathy. Would you say that this is true?

Yes! This is true. I understand my parents both love me, but they were misinformed or not informed at all on how to parent their children. My older siblings both grew up afraid, they still have some fear in them, but they weren’t that close with my parents. When I was born, my parents explicitly made a plan to raise me to be better. So I didn’t endure as much as my siblings did, but I had to deal with my own problems that were different from the problems my siblings faced, and I had to deal with them alone because I was not close to my siblings at the time.

Basically, I was raised differently than my siblings. My mother was powerless because my father wanted to raise his kids properly but was misinformed and had an unhealthy view of life. I wouldn’t say my dad lacks empathy, he is very emotional and loving but he was just blinded by his own mindset at the time. He has since warmed up.

You don’t need to get rid of your emotional, loving, gentle side, who gets immersed in the beauty of nature. What you need though is better emotional regulation, which will allow you not to be so insecure and sensitive to people’s reactions. And you need to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just didn’t get the proper upbringing and proper tools….  but you are making up for it now.

Thank you for this. It is very difficult to bring all the focus towards myself because I realize that I care about everyone’s opinion of me. Even a stranger’s opinion of me matters to me, and I’m not exactly sure why. I know that the only opinion and advice that I should take is from those I look up to. Someone who I look up to will never criticize me in a hard way because they are loving and gentle.

It’s hard to live life when you feel so inadequate compared to others, but whenever my family, friends, strangers, reassure me and remind me how special I am, I feel so much better. I realize that whenever I feel inadequate, I need to bring the attention back towards myself. I need reminders of who I am and what my strengths are. I don’t need others to validate me and agree with me. Also, there are amazing people out there that are filled with unconditional love and you can just tell who they are. I remember the impact some strangers have left on me, by doing nothing but being filled with love. They act so sweet to others and themselves, and I aspire to be like that. Having so much love and joy, filled in your heart that no amount of hatred can extinguish it.

Thank you for speaking with me, I appreciate everyone that has commented. I feel much better and at peace after speaking and being honest. 🙂