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Reply To: A depressed boyfriend

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#387025
Tee
Participant

Dear Anna,

good to hear from you again!

In addition, he feels unworthy of being loved, unworthy of my love because I am successful and he is being afraid that I would realize that he wasn’t “worth it”.

Yes, this makes sense. He doesn’t feel worthy because of his mother who made him feel unworthy and not good enough. And now he started questioning his sexuality, probably also because his mother had been questioning it (For a very longtime his mother thought he was gay and trans because he had a lot of feminine habits). She was criticizing him for his feminine traits and his sensitivity, which was another layer of rejection and condemnation. As I said earlier, this could be why he developed depression, as a way to escape his mother’s treatment.

I believe he’d need to work on his mother issues in therapy. Has he been doing that?

Also, it is becoming very hard for me to see him being under anti-depressant for so long and not seeing that many results on a mid/longterm basis.. I mean, 7 months seems to be a pretty long period, isn’t he supposed to see clear results by now?

You may need to accept that a lot of time may pass before (and if) he returns to his old self:

But I also know how he is during his ups. He is amazing in so many ways, we have the same values, he is very kind and generous. Honestly, I couldn’t wish for a better partner when he is at his ups. The way I want to be loved and seen, he is like this.

In fact, he was like that only during his good phases. But there were always bad phases, when he wanted to take a break from the relationship, even from the very beginning. It is you who have been pushing for the relationship to continue. And it’s because you “felt like a complete wreck” without him:

We once decided to take a break around December and it lasted one month, I felt like a complete wreck. I can’t imagine my life without him.

I believe you’d need to work on not feeling so bad about yourself without him. Right now, you are waiting for him to get better, and he isn’t, he is unfortunately getting further away from you, with this new issue of questioning his sexuality. You may need to let go of him, or at least see what letting go of him would mean to you.