Dear d85,

I am sorry you are consumed with regret regarding this girl. What sticks out to me is that you struggled with regret when your father passed away too:

And in the aftermath I emotionally shut down, struggling to deal with regrets, things left unsaid, not being by his bedside when he passed (despite rushing to the hospital and just being too late).

It appears you were blaming yourself for not having done enough, even though you took good care of your father before he ended up in hospital (I had to help him with day-to-day functions as he could barely move, before he ended up in hospital.)

With this girl, you felt you couldn’t make her happy and would only be a burden:

I thought I would just end up bringing this girl down, and that she could be spending the time she would be waiting for me getting to know someone else who could make her happy.

I wondered if it might be better for her to find someone else that could give her what she deserved.

I thought I couldn’t make her happy, and would end up being a burden and I should step aside so she could move on and find someone better than me. I thought she’d be better off without me.

This all shows you think very poorly of yourself, and this is what probably keeps you in this cycle of self-blame and regret.

You say you’ve been suffering from depression and mental illness for as long as you can remember. Do you know what triggered your depression? If you feel like sharing some more, please do.